Last weekend there was a party. A queer party. I haven't partyd in a while and this was my chance. My friend Kat ensured I looked fab for the day. I had on a micro-mini jeans skirt, a strapped top and high heels. I felt lovely. This wasn't the first time I had worn a mini. But just the feeling I get makes me shiver in glee!
I have nice legs. Thats what people tell me. And I agree. Remember I mentioned here a while ago that I couldn't wear short shorts in high school? Yea, the boys thought I had very sexy legs too. Do you know how it feels like when people tell you how “hot and sexy” you look? Some of you have an idea. Its an amazing feeling. I am left blushing from here to Timbuktu! Such an amazing feeling! Especially when you yourself take time to believe it!
Then there is the attention. I never anticipated that! Never! Everytime I was out, before transitioning that is, I would sit back and watch as my “fellow girls” get all the attention and be wooed by every guy possible. Including the one's I thought were hot. Now its happening to me. Its weird and exciting at the same time. My activist friend tells me “stop being such a woman! You're a transsexual”. I don't know how to respond to her. All I know is that I am hiding no more. All those things I used to only dream about are now coming to reality. Its amazing. Amazing is the word I have been using.
Amazing! All I can say is, I AM GRATEFUL!!!
p.s. Now, because it was out in the open, and at night, I am now nursing a very bad cold :(
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Its been a month! Yes! A month since I had my surgery and started on hormones (properly). I am elated. On May 20th, I celebrated a month of being testosterone-free and of using estrogen. What are the results? They are listed below.
- Breasts – Don't ask me why this is the first thing I mentioned but honestly, this was indeed one of the major changes I was waiting for! My boobs are popping out! Much like how the tits of young girls who have just entered puberty start growing. The nipples are extra-sensitive (forgive me if some things are graphic/disturbing) and a large stone-thing has developed making the area swell out. The whole place is sensitive making me feel itchy and uncomfortable all the time! Otherwise, I am elated! Very very much! I like them kabisa and can't wait for them to continue growing!
- Face & Skin – Interestingly, my face and skin have become waay smoother than ever. My face in particular is much much better than ever before. The “five-o'clock shadow” is less visible, nearly not there. Though I still grow facal hair, it now grows less faster than before. Actually half less (takes two days longer to be visible).
- Body shape – I may be exaggerating on this but I think my body shape is shifting. I tend to see more hips (Ive always had hips) and smaller waist. But this is rather speculative at the moment and I still have to be patient. The only thing noticeable is the fact that I am eating slightly more now than before!
- Calmness, Tranquility – Yes, this is true. Apparently, testosterone makes men very rough, easily agitated and all. So now indeed, I am calmer, more at peace and easier to deal with. I heard rumours that I will be moody and emotional but I am yet to feel that so lets wait and see. Either way, I am enjoying all the tranquility!
- Hot Flashes – I remember a colleague of mine telling me about her having a hot flash and I wondered how it would feel. Now I felt it! I did. Several times! They aren't the nicest thing to have but...having them somehow reassures my womanness now...something that I am happy about!
- Loss/Decreased Libido – Well, I am young so I can work up some sort of “in-the-mood” for myself but I have to say I have felt the decrease.
I can't remember other stuff for now, but generally, its going well. Something else exciting is how its now so much easier to tuck that thing down there! Hidden away nicely! I even got a chance to wear a micro mini the other night! Cool!
I am lost. I have no idea what to write about. Fine this blog is about my life but, due to security concerns, I am not sure exactly what to say and what not to say. So my question is, do you have anything you'd like me to talk about?
Ask me anything!
Monday, May 17, 2010
Kenya's marking of the event is being covered by KHRC and GALCK.
In other news, I just thought I should give y'all an update.
Things are okay. Though in recent past I have been under the weather. Nairobi has been raining a lot lately and with that comes a serious bout of cold! I have a bad cold that is persistent and refuses to go away :( However, I am trying all means necessary to fight it away!
The hormones are working! I have developed small lumps around my nipples and they are slightly painful when squished! Hehe! Ain't I excited about that. The area where the surgical cut was done has completely healed and the color is back to normal. One thing I am very very happy about is the fact that concealment is much much easier now that I don't have to be scared of squishing or smashing anything! LOL!
There has been much more media coverage on transgender/transsexual matters in Kenya lately. There was a story in The Star, today there is one in The Standard and just two days ago Citizen TV covered a story about Cuba reinstating the government sponsored gender reassignment surgery.
Good stuff, no?
Monday, May 10, 2010
I am amazed. I really am. The way things are going now in my life, I simply cannot not be amazed. Life is good. Really. There is no reason for me to complain. Sure, I am a trans and there are troubles that comes with it but, on a more general term, life is quite nice.
I went out on Friday night just after work. Its something I don't do. I went out to meet a friend. Pater Nostra. He was a a bar and had just also come from work. He's such a gentleman. Bought me a drink. I had a good time. I never thought I could do that. I was always the kind to quickly say “pass” when invited to go out just because I didn't like how confused I'd get around people and how sad I felt. Now, thats a different case. I am more confident of myself, more myself than ever before, I feel rejuvenated, like a butterfly out of a cocoon, spreading its wings for the first time... I'm sure some of y'all get me, no?
There is this feeling I craved before. A feeling of belonging. Its that connection you feel within and without. I had always wanted people to see what I saw. I had always felt like I wasn't there. Like I was invisible. Like I was not worth anything. Funny, women want to be noticed. They want to have some approval. I craved for that attention. That noticing. That approval. When it did come, it was not wrapped in the color I wanted. It did not feel the way I wanted it to feel. It wasn't it. It was something else. Something I didn't like. Something I felt seemed wrong. Like a stab in the back. I didn't like that feeling. I never did. Because it was nice words, but nice words that pained me. I took every chance I had to avoid such.
But now things are different. Now I go out and I get the attention. I don't look for it, but I get it. I don't over do anything. I am simple. Yet, I still get it. Some of it. The one I craved for. It nowadays comes. Makes me so happy, no?
Today, some guy in crutches actually stopped to say hi to me. He said, “Sasa Mresh.” i.e. “Hi Beautiful.” ('mresh' is sheng for 'beautiful'). The point here isn't that he's in crutches, (I don't discriminate) but that he noticed. He actually told the guy he was with that he'd say hi. I heard that because he was near the atm I went to withdraw cash from. I went on with my stuff feeling quite nice. Granted this is not the first time I've been told this considering this earlier post, but it still makes me smile. Gives me a nice feeling inside.
On Saturday I went out with my pals and we had fun. I usually don't go out, but its like I've started doing it more often. I like it. And the fact that guys would come up to me and tell me how hot I am makes me cringe sometimes. Not because I don't like them, but just because its amazing how its so much different now compared to before.
I am alive. I am happy. Thats what matters. Someday, somehow, things will get better. People will understand. People will know why. The reason why I don't write much about the going out and stuff, is because I don't want some people to get the wrong idea. Transsexuals don't transition to go out. They don't do it to 'be accepted'. They do it because. Period. Get it? They do it because its who they are. They wish to be themselves. Being accepted is part of it. But the root of it is to be themselves. The person theyve always known they were. Thats how I feel. And I hope, everyday, that our community understands us. Somehow.
Do have a great week y'all!
p.s. I don't know if I said this, but was recently featured in a newspaper article. The article also featured the first ever trans and intersex convening in Kenya.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Am back to work. I am very happy about it. Two weeks is no joke! I am so glad that everything worked out for good. I feel calmer and easier and happier...I mean, I have no words! Basically, its a calm happy serene mood I have been having of late. I simply wanted to make an update post before I seriously delved deep into workaholic-ism again!
So, my wound has healed, though there is still a little bit of swelling. The area is kinda itchy and thats annoying. The biggest physical relief definitely would be the lack of a bulge! Boy am I glad about that!! And now I have to make sure I eat well, drink lots of water and ensure I don't miss my estrogen pills. FYI, I am taking Estradiol Valerate 4mgs pd.
I am so glad that I did this and basically anyone who asks me why I did it I say its for two somewhat conjoined reasons. One, because of all the money I will be saving, and considering I don't see my SRS happening anytime soon, and Two, because of the immense relief I am and will forever (hopefully) continue enjoying due to lack of testosterone in my body. Here is a link about it through someone who went through it herself and one account which I think best describes the effects of Orchiectomy and here is another account by another lady.
Thank you all for the support you have showed me. Really, much of the strength I have I draw from y'all!