Saturday, January 12, 2013

I'm Jealous of Cissexual Women

This is deeply personal. I don't like talking about my body and sharing of it. But maybe it will help you understand a bit about being trans and being sexual.

Yea. I admit. I am jealous.

Sometimes I even wonde what the guys who sleep with me see in me. I don't have the V so I can't do certain things. Its hard.

Sex is complicated for me. Very.

I try manouver around it. Have mental images during coitus, but its always a tall order.

Its not the first time I'm talking about sex.

Maybe because I've been having a lot of it lately? Or not? Or overthinking it?

Sharing my body is one of the most hardest things I can do. I only do it with someone who I deeply care for, and I can tell they do so to me too. I've been hurt before. No one wants to be hurt.

But that isn't the point.

I hardly enjoy sex. I don't think I will ever 'fully' enjoy it untill I actually do the surgery. It sounds kinda pathetic. Some of my friends get me but they still look at me with those eyes that say "you need to get a hold of yourself, girl! you're pretty!"

Whenever I'm naked in bed with a guy, I'm thinking "I gotta hide it. Chics don't have 'that thing down there', they have a V. So in order for him to see me as a girl I gotta hide it. Ignore it. Pretend it doesn't exist. He shouldn't even touch it! Darn! Its in the way. I wish I'd just cut it off and be over with it."

Several times I get hit on. And I see those eyes screaming "I wanna do you so bad!" but in my head I'm like, "Yeah. You have no idea what you're dealing with"

Maybe I should relax. Take a break. Slow down. Focus on work. Yeah. I will focus more on work and less on sex and men and all that sh!t.

Have a jolly good time y'all!




Anonymous said...

You'll get to enjoy it not by having surgery but by letting yourself drown in the sex, accept your beautiful body as it is and stop thinking much of it, but thinking of the matter at hand, unicorns are real... Blame also might fall on the men, cause they seem to only want to please themselves.
Surgery or no surgery, I personally don't see you as lesser a woman.
All the best in your journey and maybe one day we'll get to break sweat together;)

Lindsay said...

Thanks xxsix.

Thanks for the kind words. Hopefully soon enough I will be more at ease with my body. I added more meat to the post btw.

Anonymous said...

Hey, sorry am rarely on-net. To me being at ease does not mean ignoring it but:
i) accommodating it(tell yourself its there to stay, however long)

ii) being comfortable with it(accepting it for what it is)

iii)being confident with it(its my life philosophy applies here)

iv) maintaining good body health and getting sufficient rest(nothing to do with this but is a major self-esteem booster)

P.S. TGs are considered gods in some cultures, am confident you'll get your foot right with this.

Brandi Rae said...

I'm so sorry for the extra difficulties, discrimination, and drama you must put up with just because you are trans*. But I wanted to tell you, that the people in your life who decide not to be close to you based on your body meeting their expectations...those are not the people you need to share closeness with. The people who will love you for the woman you are, regardless of the package you're wrapped in...those are the people you need to hold close and not let go. And they are out there, I promise!

I am a ciswoman myself, and I am naturally hetero, mostly interested in men, and I do love cismale anatomy... however, if I loved a man and found him sexy and wanted to be close to him, and then found out he happened to have a V instead of a P, it actually wouldn't be a big deal at all for me. ALL bodies are sacred, all intimacy is a gift and privilege to cherish, and EVERYONE should be able to feel sexy and desirable in the body they have.

So if you wish to have surgery, I hope you can do so, but I hope you're not convinced you need it, just to make a potential partner happy. I hope you would be doing it to make yourself happy.

Remember, that with many surgeries, you might not ever enjoy sex as much, or you may never experience orgasm again, due to nerves being cut or scar tissue, etc. So it's not something you should do just in case your future partner would like it better. YOU are the one who will live in your body forever, so make the decision for YOU. Besides, there are lots of people out there who have no trouble finding a body sexy, because they love who is inside it. I hope you do find them. I wish you so much happiness! Sending internet love and hugs! <3

Anonymous said...

being trans is always hard i cant said that i know it first hand but i am really thankfull to you for sharing your own experience.
i respect u for who u are and because u have the courage to go under all the process to look the way you want so well the most of boys are not worth enough for u to make u worry about them i know that u want to be with someone but dont get flustered over it, someone that respect who u are may appear in your way sooner or later.
i just wanna leave u words of support dont know if u get them that way hope yeah sorry for my disgussting grammar and ortograpjy but i am not from an english langguage birth country

Lindsay said...

Hi Brandi,

I think my fear mostly with surgery is about that - loss of sensation and sexual appetite and the like. I hope it doesn't go away since I do do want to have the surgery. And no, it is not for the pleasure of anyone but of my self! I abhor the way my genitals look, feel and behave. I want to be able to wear a bikini and walk around Mombasa beaches without a care in the world. Right now that is but a dream. I have won swimming costumes but it is a one piece with a skirt-like cover around the waist area - to hide any bulges that might protrude.

Thanks for the well wishes though! I know I will find love someday :-)

Lindsay said...

Thanks for your comment Anonymous. And don't worry about grammar. No one here to check that ;-)

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