Sunday, December 26, 2010
I just can't believe am blogging about the same issues all over again. Maybe written in a different way but still, its the same thing.
You know, the sad part is that I am in a relationship. A good one at that. And no, its not that the relationship is on the rocks or anything, quite contrary actually, its amazing. Its the sad fact that I, being oh so monogamous n all, can't and won't cheat on my M. I won't. I can't.
Yet the temptation is always there. Always. And it keeps increasing.
Sometimes I feel like am gonna do something about it... like become ugly or something.... just to avoid boys getting interested in me..... but then there is that fear that if I do that M will not be happy.... though he should be into me for me and not for how I look like.... then again, .. argh! Sucks!!
I know, I know... this is the usual stuff (most) girls go through. Sometimes I think I'm too nice. Or something close to that.
But I am left to wonder.... when I see my friends and peers... and hear all the stuff they go through.... and how they don't hold onto a relationship for long... because they're always cheating n stuff.... I always find it interesting... how someone can do that..... you know... sleep with several people within a span of a few months.. or even weeks. I can't do that. I honestly can't.
Yet that's the least of my worries. I said I've mentioned this before. I feel so bad. Because I'm meeting new people all the time and I'm always wondering when or whether at all to tell them about "my medical history" (as Bree on 'TransAmerica' puts it). And its more for the guys who (obviously) are into me. It gets hard. And let me just go on ranting because this will help me (and maybe someone else out there) figure it out..
Anyway... lets see.. I will know what to do..
Merry Christmas and Boxing Day to you all!!
Friday, December 17, 2010
Friday, December 3, 2010
Our family had a reunion of sorts recently and I was invited. Yes I was! Here's what happened.
10.00 am – Too scared...
I was extremely nervous. I didn't know what to do, whether to show up or not. I was freaking out so much! EVERYONE was going to be there! And guess where it would be taking place.... my relative's place. Yea, her. Later on you'll see that she's getting there. My grandparents were there too. Yes, one of them who wanted to tear up this article when it was shown to them.
2.00 pm – Sh!t am gonna be late!
I was supposed to be there by then! I'm still so so far, stuck in traffic and to make matters worse, our roads ministry decides to do repairs on our road! Bummer!!
4.00 pm – Sh!t am so so late!
Damn! I'm 2 hrs late. Even the food's finished and some people are already getting tipsy! Oh! I walk in and I see one of my smaller relatives. She's like 4 or 5 and this was the first time she sees me. “You look like Leo with make-up on” she remarks.. this would go on the whole time I'm there. I couldn't help not feeling sorry for her. I just wished it was easier breaking it down for her.
Soon am in and my mum sees me and her face lights up. She's overly excited to see me. I later learn that she was very anxious and worried that I wouldn't make it, that Id develop cold feet. She introduces me to everyone. Gosh! There's like 20 people here! Oh how am I gonna handle this? Such thoughts cross my mind. Some of them couldnt stop staring at me. Some of them embrace me, the ones who've met me before and are supportive. I am such a blessed girl. So so blessed. No one was offensive. Not even my grandparent! What more could I ask for?
I meet the boys. They're seated outside since the women and children are inside. Quite a very African type setting where women sit over some tea and biscuits inside and watch tv as they exchange life stories while the men sit outside over beer and spirit bottles talking about who scored and what game is next...such stuff.
So I go outside to the boys. They stare. The good thing is that a quarter of them don't know me and another quarter don't remember me. The rest are family. They know me. Just hadn't met me. I'm all tense. Ever since I stepped in I've been so tense! I greet them, exchange pleasantries and get to know the newbies. They're family too, I learn. I can see my family finding it hard to introduce me to them but luckily they don't slip on the name thing. They say it so well. I almost shed a tear or two; in my head I'm like “Why me? This is so surreal! Never expected this”.
Back inside we start chatting with the rest of the women. I can see my relative, yea her, she tells me she's happy to see me. I'm surprised. She continues to say that its gonna take her time, a long time to get round to it but she's happy I'm happy. I tell her she can take all the time she needs. She still has an issue with the name. Still difficult letting go and using the new one. I can see she's trying but she's struggling. I understand we're wired differently and people do things the way it feels best and right for them. I can't blame her. I can never do that.
Too Many Questions.....
I meet a long lost friend of a relative; practically family too. This would be the first time he meets me. Hes dumbfounded. The first time he vehemently denies that I am the same person he knew two years ago. (he was out of the country). We sit and talk and I explain to him everything from start to end. I promise to give him more literature to help him understand. I can see he's also quite mesmerised by everything and can't believe his eyes. Its not something easily understood in matter of minutes. But he's okay with it and even compliments me on my beauty. I am thankful, I tell him. Thankful that I am more than blessed. Later on, after some drinks, I talked to my male relative who was also finding it hard to grasp things. And we agreed that more sharing was to be done. Probably another family gathering!
It was a good day. Best of all is that they're supportive. I am overly amazed. More than amazed!! I cannot say just how much I am thankful to the Almighty!!!! I have absolutely no words to describe it.
Friday, November 26, 2010
But this also comes with a price. Let me break it down in two ways.
1. When I get hit on by a guy am not interested in – Nairobi girl thought process.
Here definitlely the first thought that pops into my head is “What the eff are you trying? You really think you got game? You ain't got nothing on me!” That's what I think. Because honestly, I ain't interested. And this happens mostly in matatu rides! A guy (usually the kange (slang for conductor)) looks at me and goes “Wawawawaaa si ur hot! So do you mind giving me your digits?” Okay, seriously? This guy, who is clearly way off my radar, off my 'is-hot' scale, things he's got a chance with me. And even then, that I will just smile and say “07....” and voila! Is he effing serious?? It doesn't make sense to me at all!!
2. When I get hit on by a guy I am interested in – Trans girl thought process.
Now this is the hard part. I meet a guy, maybe in the club or something. And he's smokin hot! And more so, he's approaching me!! Then he asks for my number or to buy me a drink or something. Do you know what the first thing that pops into my mind is?
“OMG! Now what am I gonna tell him? When will I tell him am trans? How will he take it? OMG he's totally gonna hate me and tell everyone He's totally gona squirm and never talk to me again! Uh!! HUH!!!”
Yea. Quite frustrating ainnit? Bah! I am yet to cross this hurdle.
But see, lemme confess, I have met guys who I thought were quite something and I was into them. Then definitely met with the same dilemma of when or whether to tell them about my past/situation. And I have told them and they were okay with it. I wonder why. I've always wanted to know what goes on in their mind when they meet someone like me. What do they think when they discover I'm not exactly what they (might have) pictured in their minds? What is it that tells them its okay? Fine, its a good thing that they are accepting, in fact, its amazing! I'm not questioning that, am merely trying to know how it feels like on their side. You know, being straight and especially being sorta off ish on gay men and then along comes me, with what I have 'down there'. Lets face it people, its a curious thing. Is it easier when what you see face value helps to ignore, in a way, what's lying underneath? Is that it? Please note, I'm not in anyway questioning why men are attracted to me, am merely poking questions. I'm trying to let your minds wander. Don't you wonder?
Curious isn't it?
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Not many mothers are like that. I am indeed, truly, blessed to have you mom.
Now, the harder part is getting to be 'okayed' by the rest of the family. I don't have siblings so the only other family I have is my extended family. My cousins, uncles, aunts and grandparents - all from my mother's side of the family. Its taking time to have them understand me and know me (this new me) better and see that I'm no different than the old me....if anything, I'm far far better.
I gotta admit, I miss my aunt. I miss my grandparents. I really, truly, wish they'd understand me & embrace me. I truly wish they'd see that I'm not brainwashed. That I'm a happier, better person now more than ever. Its been a while (like almost a year) since I last saw my grandmum and I feel I will be seeing her soon. I am kinda worried about how she will take me, how she will treat me, how she will relate with me. I'm just worried. But I am strong. I shall remain strong. And take it on as it comes. I shall await and see how it goes. I believe it won't be bad. I know it won't.
She'll be fine.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Her life has always been an inspiration to me. I remember watching the videos on YouTube of her being interviewed by Tyra Banks (who is also a huge inspiration to me) and getting teary at how much her life is similar to mine. Its amazing. She talks of how she feels of her **** and I can't agree more. I really can't. And that's just but one of the things that she talks of in her interview(s) with Tyra that just make me all teary and smile and hope.
When she was told that she's going to be sponsored by Tyra and Marci Bowers to have her surgery done, I only had one thing in mind: I wish the same would happen to me.
Go to YouTube and check out the videos. I swear, I would sound the same if it were me!
Monday, November 15, 2010
Friday, November 12, 2010
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Thursday, October 14, 2010
OK. Fine. Am not going anywhere. And yes am gonna write more. I've gotten enough support. But let me warn you though, it ain't easy. You know, updating n stuff. But am gonna try.
Hope I ain't sounding ish ish. Its just that, as Monica Roberts (a regular reader n commenter of this blog) said, its tough figuring out the balance. How much to reveal, how much to hide. Coz with all honesty I cant be yapping about my life here...as in eeevrything! No can do! Siwesimek! (slang for I can't make it – realised that I need to be translating such considering I have readers from all over the world!)
So, as Amy, Sinia and Monica said in commenting on my last post, one way to know how it is to live in Kenya is by reading my blog. Cool! I'm gonna try. (I said that already!)
So, last thing before I off, remember when I said I was off my meds, well I discovered that my teeny booblets had reduced!!! Imagine! I was so so shocked. So lesson learnt. Do not not take your meds. Its a matter of life and death! (for the boobs that is!). While we are on the topic, why am I talking boobs alone? Why am I even mentioning body aspects? First reason that pops into mind is because well, boobs are the true definition of womanhood. No, that does not mean that all women (even those identifying as) have to have boobs. It simply means that, for me, boobs = womanhood, atleast for the look. The reason am saying this is because sometimes there are women without boobs and men with boobs. So basically it boils down to how you identify yourself and what fits best for you.
Hopefully tomorrow or next week I shall tell something little about my oh so boring sex life!
*XOXO* (p.s. am not mimicking gossip-girl! she copied me!!!)
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Friday, October 8, 2010
Monday, October 4, 2010
Know what? I didn't have an answer. All I had were excuses. Oh this oh that.
But the main reason (the one I feel fits best) is that I no longer feel anonymous. I like the anonymity. Unless I convert the blog to be more public, more me, it just cant work. The only way it will (as I think) is
if Lindsay came out.
How is that gonna be? How am I gonna handle it? These are some of the questions I keep asking myself day in day out.
More importantly, how is my decision to come out (publicly)(internet-ly) gonna be? Because, then, people will know me, how I look, who I interact with and so on.
One thing I know is that somewhere in the future, be it in weeks, months or even days, I will be in the public limelight. There is a gap in activism that I feel I should join. And my colleagues also feel the same. But these are questions I'm battling with.
How will my family take it?
How will my 'friend' take it? Will he leave me just to avoid public scorn? And if he does leave, will I be able to find another? Or will I be able to remain single?
How will my friends (those who don't know about my condition) take it? Will they abandon me?
How will I take it? Will I be able to handle whatever publicity that will be thrown at me? Will I be able to lead the same lifestyle I have now? Will it still be the same? Will it be better?
How will the public take it? Will they do something to me? Will my landlord chase me away? Will I be encouraged? Will I be scorned?
So so many questions. One thing I don't like doing is saying out loud that something bad will happen to me. Because I feel that in some way, you attract it to yourself. But I refuse that. I refuse to believe that completely.
As for now, I wait. I hope. I believe.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Monday, August 30, 2010
but not to worry. maybe i will bounce back.
you never know.
for now, this short post will do.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Posted Tuesday, August 17 2010 at 08:49
Born male and named Leo*, Lindsay had lived all her life as a man.
Leo’s new feelings both scared and confused him, so he sought refuge in religion and became born-again. “I spent endless days and nights begging God to make me normal, but my feelings remained unchanged, and the stress sent me into a depression.”
When he mentioned this attraction to his mother, she dismissed it, saying that, as an only child of a single parent, he liked boys because he lacked a father figure. “But I knew this was not true because I was not gay,” Lindsay offers.
“It is thanks to this research that I learnt that there were many other people like me.
But he could not find a way to tell his mother. “Every time I thought of telling my mum, my heart skipped several beats.
But when Leo returned to Nairobi, her reaction surprised him: “You are my child. We will go through thistogether.
It was a great relief for Leo. “I was elated. Knowing that I had her support encouraged me and I could now move forward with confidence.
Finally, after completing a two-year course in July last year, Leo embarked on his journey to womanhood.
“Although hot flushes are not the best of feelings, having them reassures me of my femininity!” she says, adding that her libido has, however, declined.
“I couldn’t be happier,” says Lindsay 10 months after she began transitioning.
Despite such inconveniences, Lindsay is ecstatic. “It feels great to live as a woman.
“I love children, but since I cannot have any of my own, I would be very happy to adopt.”
“For 21 years my mother was called ‘Mama Leo’, but this now has to change to ‘Mama Lindsay’.
Reactions from her extended family have been mixed. “Some have accepted my decision, some are trying to deal with it, yet others have rejected me outright. I’ve realised that even those who seem to be understanding feel uneasy when I’m around them.
Lindsay says she avoids friends who knew her as Leo for fear that they migh not accept her.
I sure hope this makes some form of difference in the Kenyan Society.
Monday, August 16, 2010
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
What's Natural, Really? (Newspaper Cutting)
There have been many views about whether a person is born gay or is recruited into 'gayism' or just find themselves in circumstances that lead to it. My belief is that its all three. You can be born gay, be recruited into it, or reach a point where you start asking yourself; am I gay or what? But gay people say that you are either gay or not, there is no in-between.
Many people frown at gay people, claiming its unnatural. Please, like we are not surrounded by so much that is unnatural that, because we don't want to deal with it we dismiss as witchcraft and satanic. We refuse to believe that the same God responsible for making a 'perfect' being is also responsible for making things we cannot comprehend. There is this fourteen year old in Germany who grew up as Tim but ever since he was two, he told his parents over and over that he was a girl, trapped in a boy's body. As a child, Tim liked to play with Barbie dolls and enjoyed wearing dresses, the father says.
Now at fourteen, Tim is going through a sex change (by receiving hormone injections that will arrest his male development).
He is no longer a he, but a she with the name Kim. Psychiatrists who've seen Kim says her mental condition is normal, that she was just trapped in the wrong body. I say good for Kim's parents for listening to her and letting her be who she really is.
People may dismiss this as something that happens only in the west, well, I say lets open our eyes and ears and start seeing things as they really are.
In other news, Nairobi is just way too cold! This should be a record!
Friday, August 6, 2010
p.s. don't ask why i keep changing the look. nakuanga hivo :)