Introducing baby Lindsay...
I was born in January of 1988. I was assigned male and given a male name. I didn't have such a crazy childhood. I just remember it being not so bad.
I went to primary school in a boarding school. It was okay. I remember one of my first nicknames was "kasupuu" hehe... apparently I had a feminine face and demeanour. That's when I started questioning my gender.
It became real when I got saved in Class 6 and I started praying to God to choose a side for me. By this time the teasing had gotten to high levels and it was getting to me.
"Mbona unabehave ka dame?" [Why are you behaving like a girl?] I used to be asked that almost daily. It bothered me a lot. I remember crying during prayer sessions; wishing that I become the girl I felt I was inside.
Those days in primary school were tough. There was this boy who lent me his pair of shorts. I was very forgetful and careless back then. I lost his shorts. He was furious. But I didn't understand why because they were smaller than he was and he simply didn't need them. He used this opportunity to harass me. He'd beat me up asking "Ebu leta shorts zangu wewe!" [Can you return my shorts!]. I was traumatised. He also began beating me up. In the dormitory. Everyone saw but none came to my rescue. They feared him because he was much bigger than everyone else. Soon enough, after pleading with him, he began asking for sex in replacement of beating up. He would come to my bed, do his business and go. I would cry myself to sleep every time. This is when I began developing ulcers. I got very sick and had to go home for a few days. I remember very well my mum being asked by the doctor, "Does your child have any problems at home or school?". I knew what he was asking about but I could never come forth to my mother and tell her what hell I was going through. I soon told her someone was harassing me about a pair of shorts and she willingly bought me a large pair of shorts to give to this boy. That guy took them and gave them to his friend! He then insisted "These aren't the pair of shorts I gave you! I want the one I gave you!" That was followed with a few slaps and blows to the back. Every time he would come to my bed and I would refuse, the following day would be hell for me. I'd get seriously beaten up. I was depressed. I finally gained the courage to go to my music teacher and reported him. He was given a stern warning never to raise a hand on me otherwise he would be expelled. Since then he didn't touch me. I kept wishing I had done that earlier.
High School...Hello Internet!
It all became clear.
I remember yahoo messenger. And meeting people in chat rooms. I remember Hope FM's messenger chat rooms. I remember meeting nice people there. I did meet a guy, we became fast friends. I told him about my condition and that I was still pre-transition. He understood. We went to his place. Had lunch, and then tried having sex. I think it was the first time I actually enjoyed sex with a man. But it was awkward. He was used to 'normal' girls with 'normal' lady parts. He didn't know how to handle me. I too was so green in this and didn't know. But he still liked me. Unfortunately we parted ways as I panicked and said some stupid things. I cried the day he said we would never see each other again. I really liked him. All the while, I was staying at my mums house. She knew nothing.
In high school I had a few flings. I was saved (born again christian) and so I didn't want to make it too obvious. But hey, I was quite pretty it wasn't easy to lay low!
I remember this boy staring at me with sex written all over his face LOL. This was the first day of school and I had this nice curled up hair (treated with chemical relaxer - it was my thing :-)). He was pretty handsome and I soon learnt that he was in fourth form. I was scared. I didn't know what his intentions were.
Later on after settling into school I was paired up with this cute n pretty boy in class. That form four boy came and sat next to us and started talking to us. He said he liked us and wanted to be friends with us. I was too too shy and kept looking away. He ended up talking to the cute boy more than he talked to me.
About a month later there was news all over school that there were homosexuals in school. The form fours and the form threes banned together and went around picking up suspects and taking them to the dining hall for beating up. The form four boy and the cute deskmate were rounded up. They were beaten up and the following day asked to leave. Soon they were all expelled. I was later told by one of the form threes that I was a suspect too but they didn't have enough evidence. This was because they didn't see me with the form four boy who was into me. I was so relieved!
I remember I had this big crush on this form two boy. It was third term of my first year in high school. I gained the courage to approach him. I told him my name was actually Lindsay and that I was a girl trapped in a boys body. I also told him that I found him to be very handsome. He said he liked me too. That I was pretty and that he'd never seen a 'boy' who was so cute like a girl. He was so sweet to me. We 'dated' for a while after that.
I remember my first kiss so well. I was part of the drama & music club and we had gone for an outing. Late that night we came back to school. Me and my crush - lets call him Al - were in the same dorm. Al called me over to his bed and said how much he had missed me - missed my smile. I smiled and said that he was sweet. He then proceeded to hold my face and kiss me ever so passionately. Oh gosh. I loved his kisses! He had these small lips that tasted so glorious. We would meet up in hidden spaces like the nearby bathrooms and make out for like an hour or so. Most of the times it was during prep or right after prep when everyone was busy getting ready to sleep. I fell in love. It was the first time I found out how it felt like to be in love.
One day I followed Al to his usual base - a small room near our class rooms where he and his friends would study. By this time it was second term of year two. I was a form two and he was in form three. I over heard him tell his buddies about me. "Anajiitanga Lindsay. Ati yeye si chali ni dame. Hahaha!" [sHe calls herself Lindsay. That she isn't a boy but a girl. Hahaha!]. I was mortified. I was hurt. I went to the back of the classroom and cried like a baby. I was so hurt. I couldn't believe he would do that to me. I didn't talk to him for a week. He didn't know why I was ignoring him. But even then, he would still make me smile. Saying stuff like "You look sexy when you're mad". I was still in love. I forgave him. Still, he was a player. Every time girls would come to our school for innings he would ignore me. It hurt like hell seeing him flirt with other girls. I would feel so ugly and terrible. I would tell myself "Why on earth is he with me while he could be with any of those pretty girls?" I hated myself then. But he would always end up back with me. That didn't last much though. I grew tired and stopped being with him.
Soon I became close with this other guy - Kia. Kia was nice. Handsome. Gentle. We would talk for hours on end either at my bed or his. We never made out and only had one kiss. He would tell me our friendship would only last as much as I wanted it to. Soon people started suspecting us because we would spend a lot of time together. Whenever he was doing his laundry and airing them, I would be right there doing the same with mine. We would go to the dining hall together, Sunday church together, even entertainment (we'd call it Enta) together. Guys would ask him "Leo hujaenda lunch na dame yako?" [Haven't you gone for lunch with your girlfriend today?] and he wouldn't get offended, rather, he would just laugh it off and tell them "Acha za ovyo" [Stop your nonsense]. I could easily love this guy. However, I was young and stupid. I began freaking out about all the rumours going around. I didn't want people to start saying I was gay. I never saw myself as gay and I dreaded the thought. I told Kia that I couldn't be friends with him anymore. He reminded me of our pact - that if I broke things off with him he would never come back again. In about 4 hours I had regretted my decision to break things off. I ran to him and asked for forgiveness. But it was in vain. He told me I had made my choice and that there was no going back. I was devastated. I cried the whole night. I was lost without him. I couldn't stand seeing him at all. But I moved on.