Thursday, September 4, 2014

Monday, June 30, 2014

Still Sucks....

It still sucks
Still sucks to meet a guy you like
And not be able to be open with them
Because you don't know their reaction
When they find out you have a d**k

It still sucks
Still sucks when he is so wonderful to you
Makes you so happy and free
But still can't say anything
Can't tell him about your genitals

It still sucks
Still sucks when you're so into him
Want to know more of him
But you hold back
Because you have a d**k

It still sucks
Still sucks because you're scared
Scared he will hate you and detest you
Maybe even beat you up, or worse, kill you
Because they found out you're a girl with a d**k

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Just Checking In...

Hey guys,

Some of you have emailed me and asked why I don't blog anymore.

Well, its not that I have closed the blog or anything, its just that I don't feel like there is much to say anymore.

http://favim.com/orig/201104/25/Favim.com-23925.jpg

I am pretty much happy with life. Just that I want to do that surgery so bad.

That is all.

Love you guys.

XOXO

Friday, October 18, 2013

Should I Give Up On Straight Men?

I am giving up. I am giving up on men. Straight men to be precise.


I am so giving up and walking away altogether. Here's why.

Conversation with "Aleki"

Aleki likes me. He reads this blog. I know there are others too who like me. But here's why I wouldn't bother with them.

They like me because I am trans.

Not for anything else, but because I am trans. Should I be insulted? Should I just say "well at least he knows that I am trans so that part of the conversation is sorted..."?

Conversation with my friend D

D notices I'm mopey and wonders why. I tell him that I like this guy but he doesn't seem to like me as much as I like him, despite him saying he likes me. D goes to confront him. (This conversation has been downgraded to a more PC version)

"You were with my friend and now you're with her friend. That's messed up."
"I like Lind ..... but you know D, ... I like pussy"

D comes and tells me what transpired. I break down. "...I like her.... but I like pussy" rings in my head over and over again.

Conversation with my other friend N

I like transwomen. Is that so bad? Its really not about their being trans, but just their being who they are. Is it wrong for me to have a preference to transwomen?

Analysis

It is indeed clear that I don't want to date a guy who likes me only because I have a odd-looking ladybits.

But it is also clear that most straight men (since I am into men ... mostly) just like pussy.

I can't ignore that. Nor can I avoid it. It is how it is.

I hate my genitals.

Those who like me (and any other transwoman out there who's like me) need to get this clear: I don't like my odd-looking ladybits. I just don't. Yes, I know y'all have told me many times that I should love my bits just the way they are but I think y'all don't get it. I am a woman. Women don't have such bits. They have pussies.

I crave for the day I can just spread my legs wide without feeling uncomfortable.

It isn't sexual. It sounds sexual, but it isn't. I am not having genital surgery so that I can ride someone. No. I am having it for my own peace of mind. It is utterly necessary. Many of you won't get it because you've never felt discomfort with your own bodies. Some of you may. It's like having a tumor on your neck. Once you're able to get rid of it, you become a different person. You're less conscious. Less bothered. Your self esteem goes through the roof.


That's what I want. FREEDOM.

Let me remain single for now. Its a much easier space to be in. Lonely, but easier.

XOXO

Lind

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Yeah, I'm The Boring Type Of Transwoman

So on further conversation with Aleki (see previous post), apparently I am boring. Nowadays I bash people about their misogyny, about their lack of understanding and many other things.

Yes I am. Boring that is.

I am trying to educate you guys here. About me. About being a transwoman. About living as a woman who has an unusual genital composition and is terribly uncomfortable about it.

Get it? I doubt it.



A man who wants a transwoman just because she is trans will never understand why she detests, abhors, hates the genitals she has. NEVER.

Why?

Because for him, being with a transgirl is a fantasy.

Chick with dick.

I so fucking hate that!

I am not a chick with a dick. Don't you dare call me that. I will slap the bejesus out of you.

Why you ask?

Because I am a woman. I am dysphoric because I am a woman who was born with a penis. A woman who had to live over 20 years of her life as male. Confused, baffled, and troubled. 

FOR TWENTY FUCKING YEARS.

So yeah, call me boring for not enabling your little "chick with dick" fantasies. Tafuta mwenye atakubali lakini sio mimi. Hell no.

If you can't see me as a woman, whether I have a pussy or dick or large clit or nothing at all, but me as me, as Lindsay, as a human being with feelings, emotions, intelligence, and not a mere oddly-shaped body, then FUCK OFF.

I don't need you in my life.

Let me tell you something, If you come to this blog hoping that you will woo me into going on a date with you so that at some point I will allow you to "fuck me in the ass as you play with my dick", then boy you're in the wrong hood!

GET IT?

XOXO

Lind.

Thursday, September 26, 2013

Re: Sasa

lol

sorry aleki. im not looking to have sex with someone who just wants to experience a trans girl. that's insulting and demeaning.

i do understand your curiosity though... if i knew a trans sex worker, i would give you her contacts and you can negotiate a price. then you will get to have your "experience with a trans chic".

nice day.


From: Aleki XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
To: "kashwiti@yahoo.com" <kashwiti@yahoo.com>
Sent: Monday, September 9, 2013 6:09 AM
Subject: Sasa

Hi, just been reading ur blog. I am an open-minded
guy and wud really luv to experience a Trans chic...
I like the idea dat ur Big clit turns on! wanna play
with it. am not gay. am straight but curious. I promise
to satisfy you fully, discretely tho. pliz get in touch.
cheers


Maybe I Should Just Cut It Off

As I continue to live this life... this relatively new life... my desire for bottom surgery increases. I am increasingly getting restless over this. Over the lack of money, over having to tuck everyday, over having to explain things to new lovers... IT SUCKS!

My friend Veronica told me she didn't have sex with anyone until she did her surgery. I guess I can't be like her. That means I have to deal with 'coming out' issues all the time.

Men are simple. To them it is all about penetration. "If I am not inside you, then it isn't sex."
I don't do anal sex. I do thigh sex.
"Intercrural sex (from "inter-" and Latin "crura", legs), also known as femoral/interfemoral sex/intercourse, is a type of non-penetrative sex, in which a male places his penis between his partner's thighs (often with lubrication[1]), and thrusts to create friction."
Non-penetrative. That's what they say. But trust me, I always feel like I'm being penetrated. And, I have been told, they too feel like they're penetrating. So it is all about how you feel rather than what the books say, or what your mind tells you, or what you're used to.

Not!

Many men still believe that sex is not sex if it isn't penetrative. If it isn't inside a vagina or anus, it is NOT sex.

Funny.

But that's the reality. The reality I have to deal with every single time. I just want to give up. But I am human. I have urges. It isn't a secret. Let's not pretend I don't have sex. Let's not pretend transgirls don't have sex. We do. But I have to deal with this man who expects a vag but gets something different. Worse still, he gets a girl with 'some dangling meat down there'. Ugh!

That's why sometimes I think, maybe I should just cut it off. It's called Penectomy.

Well... the other option is to stop having sex.

Life goes on....

Monday, August 5, 2013

Why Are Gay Men So Trans-Misogynistic?

This is very weird. You'd think that since someone is a minority, that they understand what it means to be different, that they'd get you.

No.

I've found out that many gay men are super trans-misogynists!!

They simply refuse to understand/accept that we are FEMALE.

The mere fact that I am pre-op renders me MALE. Period. No questions asked. To them, your gender is determined by what you have between your legs. So penis=male, vagina=female.

Since I began referring to "that thing down there" as my big clit (thank you sir :-)) I've gotten a little - little - tolerant of its presence (nuisance) on my body. I've even gotten a little courageous and let my partner touch it - something I could never do before! But back to 'the gays'.

Even the thought of intersex is a no no no for them. You're either a 'penisman' or a 'vaginawoman'.

It disgusts me.

But then again, what can I do other than continue engaging them, talking to them, trying to make them see the world in a more 'queer' way ...

Gay men, be more queer!

XOXO

Lind

Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Coming Out?

Coming out telling someone you REALLY REALLY LIKE about your medical past/status is so HARD!!!


Anyway, life goes on I guess.

**Hopeful**

XOXO

Lind

Friday, July 12, 2013

Thoughts Today

I'm thinking. And I've been thinking. As usual. Mostly about my dysphoria - my discomfort with the look of my genitals and how that constantly shapes how I think, how I interact with people (esp in public), and so forth.
 



 
To be honest, a lot of it has to do with relationships and relating. Yes, I have met many guys (and girls) who have absolutely no issue with my large clit, but I just can't shake away the thought (and maybe you could say reality) that it is a penis. I can create words for it, and say that it is a clit, since it resides on my body - a female body, but it looks like a penis. Thus, it is one. I lived as male for 22 years. I can't run away from that. I don't look male at all - or so people tell me. But I still see shreds of masculinity in my body. Like the tiny bump on my neck, the remnants of "5 O'clock shadow", the large clit ... the lack of a pussy. All these. They somewhat define how I live life.
 
I like how this gorgeous transwoman puts it in this (not so well interviewed) interview. Amiyah Scott.
 
 
She so pretty!

Pretty Ogre ....

I'm also thinking about how quickly I become undesirable once I reveal the reality of 'what's down there' and my past life. So quickly. It's like a switch.

I meet this guy, we talk, we flirt, we like stuff about each other, he really finds me interesting and intriguing. Until he finds out I have a past life as male. All that is interesting about me suddenly becomes moot. Disappears. Gone. I suddenly am reduced to "that girl has no vagina?" person. Nothing more. Maybe even less/worse.

Now I just want to stop telling them altogether. I may as well remain on my own.

 
 
Maybe I feel that time is passing away and the gender affirming surgery seems so far away ... maybe I am craving a little more.
 
Patience. That's what I'm telling myself. Patience. And focus.
 
It shall come.
 
 
XOXO
Lind.
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