On The Other Side

There's a question that just came to mind. How does it feel to be on the other side?

I personally have no issue with myself; with who I am (duh!).. but what of others? How do they feel when they see me for the first time since for ever?

I can't imagine how it must feel like to meet me after 10 years, where the last you knew of me was that I was a boy. What's the underlying thought that crosses your mind when you look at me now, and compare that image with the last mental image you have of me?


I can imagine the shock, disbelief, confusion and everything. But I can't really tell how it feels.

All I can tell anyone that I've shocked and is as a result not yet able to even look me in the eye, let alone give me a hug to say hi or bye, is that I'm sorry and I hope you can someday come to terms.

What I know is that not everyone will embrace me. Not everyone will accept me. And I'm not just talking about my being trans, its more than that. Its about life and living. Every aspect of it.

Sadly, not everyone gets along. Its one of those things about humanity we may never understand.

Some Statistics

I was going through my Blogger Dashboard and came across the "Stats" tab. I didn't know it existed. In my curiosity, I saw this.

(you can click on it for a larger view, right click and click view image.. or something)

Quite interesting is that I wanted to reach Kenyan audiences but it seems the largest audience I have is the US and the UK. Fascinating.

Hoping that some more people read on... especially Kenyans.

Maybe I got boring....

This thing called SEX!

I've been thinking about this for quite some time now. Sex.  Yeah yeah, I ain't a perv so don't start! Well, the reason sex has been on my mind, and is not in anyway related to what I want to do, is simple. What comes to mind when someone like me, a trans, gets hit on?

I probably have mentioned this before but I guess it something I'm experiencing more and more and felt the need to share (again). It's not as simple as you think. Let me babble on.

See, nowadays I get hit on a lot. And I do mean a lot. Now, while I don't mind the attention, it can get annoying sometimes. It's one of those things I used to envy my fellow cousins and friends of but now that it's actually happening to me, eish! It can get a tad bit too much.

But there is one specific thing that crosses my mind every time something like this happens, I often ask myself,

"Hmm... I wonder if they can tell. Ok maybe they can't. Well actually they can't. I'm pretty, no? Ok. Lemme stop being vain! But seriously, so what if I was single? How would I go through it? Well, yeah, I've had experiences before where a guy has actually said its fine and they'll deal with it but, really, do they? Does it come that easy? How about a guy who tells you that they're not homophobic but whenever you mention anything about two gay men their facial expression tells you otherwise. Yeah yeah, I mentioned homophobic instead of transphobic. Why, because truth be told, there is some form of similarity there. But that's a thought conversation for another day, okay? So where were we? Yea, that guy who clearly is hiding some fears about gay sex. Now how will he react when he internalises the fact that A) I don't have big (enough) boobs and B) I am pre-op? AKA, still have "the bits"? How will he deal with that?"

Let's take up another angle. It's not just guys who hit on me. Even girls and trans men do. And it still got me thinking about the same damn thing. Sex! How would it be? That is the golden question. Think about it.

Even as I ponder on this hard question, I can't help but wonder why we emphasise so so much on SEX!! I have this one ardent follower here called "Alehandro". From day one this guy has relentlessly beckoned me to be his. And by that I mean he wants to **** me. And every time he asks me that, I throw back a question. Why? Why all the emphasis? Why does this thing have such a hold on us humanity? It's so interesting isn't it? That to tell apart love from lust or infatuation, emotions from plain desire... is so so hard!

But anyway, lemme let you think on that for now. I think it won't be the last time I hear of it.

 

*XOXO*

 

Still Happens...

A year has passed since I had my surgery and started taking Progynova. Its been great. I couldn't be happier.

Thing is, even nowadays whenever I look in the mirror, I still see a speck or two or even several, of my old self. Do you know I don't even look at those old photos of myself? My mum has them close somewhere. I understand her. Its hard losing a son and gaining a daughter all at the same time. That's the easiest way to explain it. Definitely the real explanation is different from that but.... I digress.

I still have those shivers that someone's gonna notice something odd about me. Even now when I have more confidence about my (small) bust, I am still conscious of what I do and how I do it.

But, I just have to deal with it. One way or another I need to stop caring about what people think and just mind my own business. I already know I'm pretty, I don't need anyone to validate that!


XOXO

Gimme A Name Change Already!!!

I am so so mad!!


This silly government of ours has decided to delay the process for me to get a name change. I have all my papers correct and oh, just because I am changing my name from a "male" one to a typically "female" one, they've raised questions.

I am tempted to blame the recent talk about gay issues in the country and sadly, trans issues are still being lumped together with gay issues and people still view trans persons as "extreme" gays. But I won't. I don't want to step on anyone's toes and be called homophobic. *sigh*

So the reality is that about five months ago, no, six months, I lodged a request to have my name changed. Its supposed to be a simple process that takes no more than two weeks for approval and a month to lapse after being gazetted.

They've refused. They're asking me to seek approval from some director and am asking myself, who is this person am supposed to 'seek approval' from? How do they know me? What is it to them if I am changing my name? I have no criminal record and duuh, ITS NON OF THEIR BUSINESS!!

Okay, maybe I am complaining a wee bit too much, but honestly, can't you see my frustrations? Lemme give you ten things I can't do now because "I don't exist".

1. I wanna travel outside country. I can't do that because I don't have a passport. If I go apply for one right now they'll tell me "you can't apply using your brother's documents, go bring yours"... oh wait, I have none!!
2. I wanna go back to school. I can't because, again, I can't use 'my brother's' documents!
3. I wanna open a bank account. I can't!!
4. I wanna travel locally using an airline. Can't!
5. I wanna invest my hard earned cash somewhere. Can't!!
6. I wanna start a business. Can't!!
7. I wanna go for driving lessons. Can't! You need an ID or Passport to get a DL!
8. I wanna buy a car... Can't!!
9. I wanna get into a certain society and save money for my old age. CAN'T!!
10. I wanna buy a mortgage for a house for my mom. CAN'T!!!!!

I. Am. So. Frustrated!!!!!

Want me to go on?? It is soooo freaking tiring having to lag behind and miss out on great great opportunities I swear!!!


Anyway..... next time you say trans people have it easy, think again! Okay, I take that back. Atleast I don't walk the streets of Nairobi during the day wondering if the person behind me will stab me to death because they suspect I am (fill in the blank).

I hope this stalemate ends soon and I can finally achieve the above ten. HUH!!


Nice day.

XOXO

Almost A Year!!

Just thought of something...

Guess what next week Wednesday means to me..

If not, go here!

*XOXO*

Curvaceous!

Just thought I'd mention something small that ran through my head as I was sitting in my house watching TV.

I am having a hot cuppatea (not cuppatea the blogger! ha!), and am seated on the couch. Am dressed in one of my fave party dresses that I don't wear much nowadays since I rarely go out anymore (blame work!) and whenever I look down and see my figure I sigh.

While I used to be sort of curvy before I started transitioning, I am a lot more curvier now. Definitely attributed to the hormones & a good dose of "fries" (haha!). I remember back then before, I used to wear a tee shirt and hold it back along my body to see my hips & figure and I would not like what I saw. I wasn't as curvy as I'd wish to be. My cousins had already blossomed into these beautiful curvy young women where before they were thin and slender like I was. I was so jealous of them. I would cherish the days I was able to wear my tight jeans, tee-shirt and huggy jumper. It used to make me feel better about myself.

Now seated on the couch and looking at how curvy I've got, I can't help but feel ecstatic. Its a wonderful feeling. I just run my hands over my hips and I feel *yes*!! I'm getting somewhere!

The same applies to my bust. I nowadays can "share it with the world" so to speak hehe. Its coming along well and am proud of myself.

Some people may think that this is what trans people are all about but let me explain something.

When I write here about how a few extra inches I've gained around my hips or how better looking I am (in my view) or how I am more busty, its not the physical that should be the focus, rather, its what it means. To me, this means that something I've always felt was robbed (in a way) from me. Its like puberty all over again. This time round, its happening the way I always wanted it to be.

I am very thankful I am myself now. Very very thankful.

And oh yes, I love my curves!! :D

*XOXO*

Yeah.. I'm Thankful

Oh well.. I am still fine.

If there is something I've noticed is that I am easy nowadays. No pressures.

Well, work is pressure enough! And I still do have my fears. Everytime I am in a public space it happens. When am around many people and I notice them looking at me I ask myself, "are they looking at me because they think I look weird or they think I look good?" its always the same. But then I console myself that well, maybe they're just looking at me in passing, their minds filled with worry.

And then there is the fact that my family has been okay with everything. Well, I've been so busy that I rarely get to see them nowadays. Including my lovely mother!! I feel so bad. But that's gonna change. I shall strive to keep touch with family. Sometimes, family is all you got! They can never desert you, they'll always be a part of your life.

I am thankful for how life has been since September 2009. Even if few people have asked if I have ever regreted the decision I made, I must say that for the most part, it was long overdue!