Friday, July 31, 2009


Hey there guys!
I’m back after a long break. But I don’t get too excited now, it wont be like the olden days. It somehow saddens me to know that my wonderfully cultured ritual will have to be cut short to mere weekends(if available, that is) because I am and will be tied up for most of my time.
Sad story, huh! You see, I enrolled back into college to complete my studies for ACCA. I have been doing it for the last one year and we had an agreement with my darling, super-mom that before I begin my hormone therapy, I must at least complete the major part of my accounting qualification. So I did the first three papers of part two and I'm waiting for the results for that and now I'm pursuing the last three. It’s the major part and it scares me alittle. Mother doesn’t know that (maybe now she will hehe…love you mommy!) it scares me because as I keep saying, I have so many things going on in my mind and now that D-Day is drawing nearer, the anxiety and anxiousness is getting wilder and more overwhelming! The thought of finally strutting out in town in stilettos and a gorgeous flowered dress, with neatly done makeup, well groomed hair bouncing at the pump of my gait, Gucci bag in hand (mtish ofcourse!)…………….. ooooh!!!!!!
Its amazing I tell you! I just really want it to happen so badly!

I have nothing more to say…not! I will try and update you more soon!

Ciao, mi amigos!!

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Lindsay, Who?

This is weird (for me at least!), Im finding it hard to believe that I haven’t posted anything for the last, what, ten days? Well I said earlier that it will get some getting used to.

I hide my true identity for one reason only. SECURITY! I wanna survive! I hate it that I have to hide it but hen again…I have too many dreams that I need to protect. I don’t want someone out there trying to make my life miserable!
It’s crazy and unacceptable what some Kenyans can do to you just because you appear different to them! I mean! It’s a sham, is just plain evil! I just wish the world was a better place, but again, who am I kidding? Are we really that doomed?

Is the world ever going to get better? Ever?

Thursday, July 16, 2009


Okay, yesterday I got kinda pissed at my boss for snooping around and dissin me for blogging after work! He was like, ‘get a laptop!’. Now what do I do if I cant afford one? And besides, a laptop is the last thing on my to-buy-list right now! I’d rather have HORMONES!!
Anyway, as the title goes, I am a flirt. I flirt a lot. I even flirt when I don’t know it! I started this way back in primary school. I would notice a guy and like him. I then would be-friend the guy. Once we have become somewhat friends, I start throwing vibes-you know, like smiling at him when he is seated next to me. I loved making soft pinches on the cheeks ( I still do that! It’s a thing of mine). And ofcourse, talking like you want him that moment! I don’t know, but its like I enjoyed it, and I still do. Well, I'm not a tramp, don’t get me wrong, I just enjoy making guys feel good about themselves and maybe, just maybe, let them see that I ain't no boy! For some, it was just totally weird for them, for others they enjoyed it and then there were those who flat out didn’t get it.
Apart from flirting, there was your average attraction that happened once every so often. I remember both in high school and primary it happened. It was as simple as you may picture it. I don’t know whether it’s the same with gay persons. I remember guys would approach me and tell me, all the while looking confused and shy, that they had developed feelings for me! At first I would act all shocked and somehow angry, saying that he was crazy, nuts even. Then I’d brush it off and continue like I didn’t care! For some it wasn’t easy doing that as I too had gotten a crush on them but couldn’t say it to them. Then again I would agree on some level with others and just accept to be wooed and told sweet nothings (tell me a girl who doesn't enjoy that!)! since we were young, in a boarding school and ‘boys’ it wasn’t easy having a relationship but they happened. I feel like I was somehow lucky, maybe blessed, (I hate tooting my own horn), but I honeslty couldn’t understand how guys, who by the way were very straight, would come upto me and tell me that they thot I was hot/cute and that they liked me! Ofcourse I can now inderstand it better, maybe it’s the ‘opposites attract thing’ maybe its something else. Like for example, up till now, I cannot get how two guys or two girls fall for one another! But it happens and I both accept and respect that. Infact I have seen some gay men and lesbians. They are cool. They are normal people (some say they are cursed, hence the word). They are so regular. Just like me. I mean! (ok I have to stop babbling!)
I came out to a friend the other day. He had wooed me for long (I use that word too much, right?). and I was just about to tell him off, then I thought to myself that if I keep keeping it to myself, then who is ever going to know the real me? Isn’t it time I start shedding the shell little by little? Don’t I deserve to have friends who know me for me, who understand me for who I am? I do deserve it. And besides, ain't I starting my hormones soon? Surely it wont be a walk in the park? I will need a support system, won’t I?
So I told him. He asked so many questions! I felt so good answering them all. It was such a relief. My heart was racing hard and I felt like I was in a job interview(never been to one!)!! but it felt great. He understand now. He claims he still loves me. I wonder whether that will still be so. But I must keep my hopes up. I mean, there is hope for Kenya, isn’t there? We all will someday understand and tolerate each other, regardless of our gender or sexual inclination. I like the way someone commented on a certain blog. He/she said that we need to stop labeling ourselves through our sexual nature or gender identities and start looking at ourselves as kawaa human beings in love. In love with whomever we are with, and okay with however we are. We need to focus on living a fulfilling life, achieving our dreams and goals. Being the best we could ever be!

Yes we can!!!

I have chosen to give a special THANK YOU to all who support me and my goal with this blog.
Pater, thanks for acknowledging me, and also your kind words. They mean a lot to me. Honestly.
Tamaku, you definitely shall be expecting a lot from me! I assure you. We surely shall interact more.
GNM, thank you too. I am grateful for everything.
Marsha dear, you are a sister to me. I love you dearly!!
Cuppatea, honestly, like the others, I hope to meet you someday.

I really have to be grateful. This is a medium that we can all share ourselves and I am especially grateful that I am part of this.

God bless you all.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009


I felt like going home early today. Yesterday I left at around 9pm (yes, I know!). But then I felt I should at least finish what I started. I wouldn’t want to sound all boring but have to tell you, this writing thing is new to me, albeit the fact that I write nearly everyday!
It never occurred to me that I was a Transgender. In fact, that word, I came to know about it like 4 or 5 years ago, when I was in high school. At least I knew it was a disorder. It wasn’t easy (I don’t know how many times that’s gonna appear in this blog) and everyone knows that by now. I would see girls my age flirting with guys and it would make me sick to my stomach. Some chic somewhere would hit on me and I would squirm as if a spider fell on me! But that was just the bag side of it. Somehow, there existed some nice, laughable and memorable musings in the time.
We were young. We were entering that age; that age where the older folk call ‘raging hormones’. Yes, that one. Funny enough, I somehow garnered some admirers! Weird? No. I came to later understand it all. I simply explained it as ‘opposites attract’. How else would you put it? Besides, (no offence) I ain't gay!
Guys approached me. Told me all sweet nothings. Felt nice, felt weird, felt confusing; all the while trying to figure my life out. To some, I said no. I didn’t feel the same. To some, ofcourse, I couldn’t resist. They wooed me. Just the same as they would woo others when we went for ‘school outings’.
I don’t know how some of you can describe it. For me, once I came to understand me, it would all be clear as crystal. I was a girl. Period. Of course discerning that wouldn’t be easy but it had to be done. I had to understand me if I wanted to live a ‘normal’ life. If I wanted to survive.
Sometimes I feel like I'm not supposed to write about me all the time, sometimes I tell myself, ‘why don’t you ask others what they go through and have it written here?’ but then again…naaah! Maybe someday I will.
Sometimes it feels nice to wander off sometimes and wallow in the masma of wordings! (I also didn’t get that!!)

My boss just dissed me. Aargh! Chat later.


Tuesday, July 14, 2009


When I sat down at my computer to write today’s post, I thought to myself, ‘its been long since I shared my past with these lovely people’. So here goes. Hope you like it.

It was in the mid 90’s and I was still in primary school. I had just recently joined a boarding school and it was tough work! I was really young and really small. But at least I wasn’t that shy. Days went by and people got to know each other. I gained a nickname ‘kasupuu’ due to my looking soo much like a girl. I couldn’t help it! (even now it ain't easy, even despite my having some hair on my face!). it wasn’t easy. But I braved through. I fought hard to keep my head up. And my being a hardliner, I also toyed with the situation and got the best out of it.
Time had passed and I had grown older. I had began this process better known as ‘adolescence’, so I started liking guys. It felt weird and nice all at once. I never understood what the h**l was going on! It was so freaking confusing! But I wavered on; pushing on, trying to make sure I keep to myself. It wasn’t easy. I found myself flirting with both gyus and girls! I played with the girls-hop step and jump, kati, bladder, jump rope, you name it! I also went to boy games like foot ball and cheered them on, all the while liking what I see! (oops!!). it was somewhat possible, yet difficult. People bashed me for apparently ‘behaving like a girl’ I tried to ‘remove’ these behaviours but nothing! People laughed at me. I felt stupid; trying to change something that was knitted in me; entrenched in my genes. It was just impossible(so it felt)!
In some words, it was a harrowing experience(I've always wanted to use that word!)! I am so glad and thankful(to God) that I was able to get out of that.

Ofcourse there is more. There is a lot more. I wish sometimes there was a way of encoding the gazillion million thoughts that race, nay zoom through my wild open mind!! But that’s a story for another day.

Do have a lovely time, wont you?!

It makes me sick, what people can do out of ignorance. Someone once said that “Ignorance makes the heart fear.” Lest try and understand each other, try being the operative word.

Monday, July 13, 2009


Well it’s a new week and I just realized that i said I will give more the next day. Well I got caught up in some work plus I woke up really late. (I was watching ‘The Girl Next Door’, a really nice movie).
On Saturday I went to visit my cousin who is in Fourth Form. She is so nice, but she has become so spoilt, I wonder how things will be when she gets out of high school!
Ok. So it was a lovely experience since we were cousins only visiting her plus her sister (who by the way is a good friend of mine and understands me) so it was kinda cool. However, she was already having a blast since she was visited by a group of guys who came in a sleek Mitsubishi (floss mode!) so she was already all over.
I kept thinking to myself about how I missed our on such experiences like high school in a girl school. It was somehow painful for me when I was in high school back in the day. I could see girls coming to our school from our so called sister school and it would break my heart. I remember being teased severally that I must have taken the wrong road and I was meant to go to ‘Ishai’ (that’s the nick name they gave the sister school). I remember how I wished that was true. It was so confusing being there.
Anyway, I still have more to share so I hope we will catch up on this tomorrow.


Friday, July 10, 2009


Today is Friday and thus the weekend begins. When it comes to weekends I get clueless because I have no idea what to do. (by the way, I just remembered that blogs are public! oops!!) so what do I do?
I hear people say they are going out and I smile and say, ‘good for you’. As for me, I don’t get to do that because I'm somehow antisocial. I don’t get it myself. I tend to be very introverted when I'm around people, especially if they don’t know me. Its because, the way I am right now, I cannot be myself completely without sparking some attention. Okay, I don’t mind being noticed as somewhat queer, but sometimes I sit back and tell myself how much I would have enjoyed if only I had been fully myself. It would have been so easy. Dress in stilettos, a really cute pink or yellow flowwy dress, clutch bag and gorgeous hair and makeup..a perfect evening for me. Oh how I have dreamt of that I have yearned for the day I get to do all those things!
Of late I have been chatting with one of my facebook friends who claims to be in love with me. He tells me all those sweet nothings and to be honest, I have shed a tear or two whenever I read those darling words. He has wooed me for so long, sometimes I feel sad for not accepting him. But I have kept my distance because I have a guy..sadly, this guy has a habit of only reaching me after every two to three months. I really don’t know where we are headed. And its sad because I feel that I am in love with him(something I have never admitted, ever!) and I don’t know where he stands. Someone may tell me, why don’t you call him and ask whats up? Its not that simple. He doesn't have a phone, or so I think. Sometimes I think he is trying to push me away. I have told him so several times, now my heart cant take it anymore. I feel that I should just let go and start afresh. Its hard, I don’t want to lose him. We've been together for the last almost 5 years!

Aw! Enough already! There will be more tomorrow!! :-)

Thursday, July 9, 2009


July 2, 2009

Sometimes I sit back to relax my eyes for a while from the glare of the computer screen and I ask myself, ‘do I overwork?’ I hate that question! I don’t like it at all! And its mostly because it could be true! I mean, who works this long on a regular ‘kawaida’ salary? I work like 12 hours straight! And sleep only 6! Funny isn’t it? Not!

We need to take care of ourselves. I need to do the same for myself. I just have to!!

Since this is supposed to be some kind of ersonal journal it carries most of my thoughts which as I had mentione earlier, they are a lot! And I do mean a lot! Sometimes I don’t know what to do about it. I just sit and find myself thinking. Thinking about my life, about my supposed career and where it is headed. Mostly I think of the impended future. I just don’t know how its gonna be. Its gonna be tough, I think.

July 9, 2009

Last night I remembered that I hadn’t updated my blog readers on the latest and that it had been a whole week since I last wrote anything.
It was also last night that I felt sad. That sadness I always feel when I ask myself that question, ‘when will it all end?’ it’s a question that never leaves my mind and always keeps me on toes. I'm an emotional person, so last night wasn’t the first that I shed a tear when I was overcome by this daring question. Yester night as I was reeling myself to sleep, it came to me. I had only six more months or so and it will all be over. All I had to do was to remain strong and trust in God. Its not easy. I tell you I have struggled and I'm still struggling. Seeing myself wake up every morning, put on a shirt and tie and refer to myself as ‘he’ makes me squirm all over all the time. I feel like I can scream someday at someone who tries to tell me to get a girlfriend!
I'm just hopeful that when that time comes, life will not be too harsh for me. I'm prepared for a tough journey, seeing that Kenya is not into this kind of stuff, but I will push through, I have to…its a must.
I have delayed this updating thing yet again. I don’t get it sometimes. I'm so good at this (or so I think!) yet I just sometimes don’t get enough time for it! This week has been so busy, leaving work so late at night! Today I'm all alone in the office. Everybody has left and I'm here…still working. As I had said earlier, maybe I do overwork myself. Maybe I just enjoy doing what I do so much that I don’t realize that I spend a lot of time doing it. All I think of is the office. When I'm free, I find myself craving to be there. Maybe it’s the free internet and I get to surf. Maybe it’s the ‘cheap’ and available meals I get at the restaurant. I don’t know yet. But I had realized this when I was on leave a while ago to do my exams and I was craving for my desk, literally! It was a funny thing but at one point it wasn’t all that funny. But do I say?
Wow! This is a long read! I sometimes wonder whether anyone actually reads my stuff or I just do it for my own satisfaction. You jnow sometimes its hard to tell whether people like you or even want to listen to you…that’s a story for another day. I'm gonna give this a rest now.

Rest is a golden opportunity taken for granted. Cherish it!
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