Sunday, December 26, 2010

Yeah... Boys Again!

I can't believe this.

I just can't believe am blogging about the same issues all over again. Maybe written in a different way but still, its the same thing.


You know, the sad part is that I am in a relationship. A good one at that. And no, its not that the relationship is on the rocks or anything, quite contrary actually, its amazing. Its the sad fact that I, being oh so monogamous n all, can't and won't cheat on my M. I won't. I can't.

Yet the temptation is always there. Always. And it keeps increasing.

Sometimes I feel like am gonna do something about it... like become ugly or something.... just to avoid boys getting interested in me..... but then there is that fear that if I do that M will not be happy.... though he should be into me for me and not for how I look like.... then again, .. argh! Sucks!!

I know, I know... this is the usual stuff (most) girls go through. Sometimes I think I'm too nice. Or something close to that.

But I am left to wonder.... when I see my friends and peers... and hear all the stuff they go through.... and how they don't hold onto a relationship for long... because they're always cheating n stuff.... I always find it interesting... how someone can do that..... you know... sleep with several people within a span of a few months.. or even weeks. I can't do that. I honestly can't.

Yet that's the least of my worries. I said I've mentioned this before. I feel so bad. Because I'm meeting new people all the time and I'm always wondering when or whether at all to tell them about "my medical history" (as Bree on 'TransAmerica' puts it). And its more for the guys who (obviously) are into me. It gets hard. And let me just go on ranting because this will help me (and maybe someone else out there) figure it out..

Anyway... lets see.. I will know what to do..


Merry Christmas and Boxing Day to you all!!

Friday, December 17, 2010


Hey there.

Just testing how I can keep y'al updated via phone. Lets see how it goes!


Sent from my Nokia phone

Friday, December 3, 2010

My Family Reunion

Our family had a reunion of sorts recently and I was invited. Yes I was! Here's what happened.

10.00 am – Too scared...

I was extremely nervous. I didn't know what to do, whether to show up or not. I was freaking out so much! EVERYONE was going to be there! And guess where it would be taking place.... my relative's place. Yea, her. Later on you'll see that she's getting there. My grandparents were there too. Yes, one of them who wanted to tear up this article when it was shown to them.

2.00 pm – Sh!t am gonna be late!

I was supposed to be there by then! I'm still so so far, stuck in traffic and to make matters worse, our roads ministry decides to do repairs on our road! Bummer!!

4.00 pm – Sh!t am so so late!

Damn! I'm 2 hrs late. Even the food's finished and some people are already getting tipsy! Oh! I walk in and I see one of my smaller relatives. She's like 4 or 5 and this was the first time she sees me. “You look like Leo with make-up on” she remarks.. this would go on the whole time I'm there. I couldn't help not feeling sorry for her. I just wished it was easier breaking it down for her.

Soon am in and my mum sees me and her face lights up. She's overly excited to see me. I later learn that she was very anxious and worried that I wouldn't make it, that Id develop cold feet. She introduces me to everyone. Gosh! There's like 20 people here! Oh how am I gonna handle this? Such thoughts cross my mind. Some of them couldnt stop staring at me. Some of them embrace me, the ones who've met me before and are supportive. I am such a blessed girl. So so blessed. No one was offensive. Not even my grandparent! What more could I ask for?

The boys...

I meet the boys. They're seated outside since the women and children are inside. Quite a very African type setting where women sit over some tea and biscuits inside and watch tv as they exchange life stories while the men sit outside over beer and spirit bottles talking about who scored and what game is next...such stuff.

So I go outside to the boys. They stare. The good thing is that a quarter of them don't know me and another quarter don't remember me. The rest are family. They know me. Just hadn't met me. I'm all tense. Ever since I stepped in I've been so tense! I greet them, exchange pleasantries and get to know the newbies. They're family too, I learn. I can see my family finding it hard to introduce me to them but luckily they don't slip on the name thing. They say it so well. I almost shed a tear or two; in my head I'm like “Why me? This is so surreal! Never expected this”.

Back inside we start chatting with the rest of the women. I can see my relative, yea her, she tells me she's happy to see me. I'm surprised. She continues to say that its gonna take her time, a long time to get round to it but she's happy I'm happy. I tell her she can take all the time she needs. She still has an issue with the name. Still difficult letting go and using the new one. I can see she's trying but she's struggling. I understand we're wired differently and people do things the way it feels best and right for them. I can't blame her. I can never do that.

Too Many Questions.....

I meet a long lost friend of a relative; practically family too. This would be the first time he meets me. Hes dumbfounded. The first time he vehemently denies that I am the same person he knew two years ago. (he was out of the country). We sit and talk and I explain to him everything from start to end. I promise to give him more literature to help him understand. I can see he's also quite mesmerised by everything and can't believe his eyes. Its not something easily understood in matter of minutes. But he's okay with it and even compliments me on my beauty. I am thankful, I tell him. Thankful that I am more than blessed. Later on, after some drinks, I talked to my male relative who was also finding it hard to grasp things. And we agreed that more sharing was to be done. Probably another family gathering!


It was a good day. Best of all is that they're supportive. I am overly amazed. More than amazed!! I cannot say just how much I am thankful to the Almighty!!!! I have absolutely no words to describe it.


Friday, November 26, 2010

Getting Hit On

One of the nice things about being me, being myself, is that I now get hit on more than before. Oh yes, if you've read my blog, you've seen that I acually was being hit on by guys before, and the occasional girl (eek!).

But this also comes with a price. Let me break it down in two ways.

1. When I get hit on by a guy am not interested in – Nairobi girl thought process.

Here definitlely the first thought that pops into my head is “What the eff are you trying? You really think you got game? You ain't got nothing on me!” That's what I think. Because honestly, I ain't interested. And this happens mostly in matatu rides! A guy (usually the kange (slang for conductor)) looks at me and goes “Wawawawaaa si ur hot! So do you mind giving me your digits?” Okay, seriously? This guy, who is clearly way off my radar, off my 'is-hot' scale, things he's got a chance with me. And even then, that I will just smile and say “07....” and voila! Is he effing serious?? It doesn't make sense to me at all!!

2. When I get hit on by a guy I am interested in – Trans girl thought process.

Now this is the hard part. I meet a guy, maybe in the club or something. And he's smokin hot! And more so, he's approaching me!! Then he asks for my number or to buy me a drink or something. Do you know what the first thing that pops into my mind is?

“OMG! Now what am I gonna tell him? When will I tell him am trans? How will he take it? OMG he's totally gonna hate me and tell everyone He's totally gona squirm and never talk to me again! Uh!! HUH!!!”

Yea. Quite frustrating ainnit? Bah! I am yet to cross this hurdle.

But see, lemme confess, I have met guys who I thought were quite something and I was into them. Then definitely met with the same dilemma of when or whether to tell them about my past/situation. And I have told them and they were okay with it. I wonder why. I've always wanted to know what goes on in their mind when they meet someone like me. What do they think when they discover I'm not exactly what they (might have) pictured in their minds? What is it that tells them its okay? Fine, its a good thing that they are accepting, in fact, its amazing! I'm not questioning that, am merely trying to know how it feels like on their side. You know, being straight and especially being sorta off ish on gay men and then along comes me, with what I have 'down there'. Lets face it people, its a curious thing. Is it easier when what you see face value helps to ignore, in a way, what's lying underneath? Is that it? Please note, I'm not in anyway questioning why men are attracted to me, am merely poking questions. I'm trying to let your minds wander. Don't you wonder?

Curious isn't it?


Thursday, November 25, 2010

Family Woes

I love my Mum. Y'all know that by now. We talk/chat/text etc every day and we're like sisters (very true!). I can't at all say how much she means to me. She's my rock. She means the world to me. And she knows that. Its just that I never know how exactly to express my love/gratitude/happiness/joy/peace/understanding etc to her. I simply have no words. Everytime someone tells me "You're very lucky, you know that?" and I respond "I know..." I feel like its a brag statement. Or an 'I-don't-care' statement. Or like indifferent in a way. No, when I say "I know" I truly mean that. As in, I know, but I'm still amazed.

Not many mothers are like that. I am indeed, truly, blessed to have you mom.

Now, the harder part is getting to be 'okayed' by the rest of the family. I don't have siblings so the only other family I have is my extended family. My cousins, uncles, aunts and grandparents - all from my mother's side of the family. Its taking time to have them understand me and know me (this new me) better and see that I'm no different than the old me....if anything, I'm far far better.

I gotta admit, I miss my aunt. I miss my grandparents. I really, truly, wish they'd understand me & embrace me. I truly wish they'd see that I'm not brainwashed. That I'm a happier, better person now more than ever. Its been a while (like almost a year) since I last saw my grandmum and I feel I will be seeing her soon. I am kinda worried about how she will take me, how she will treat me, how she will relate with me. I'm just worried. But I am strong. I shall remain strong. And take it on as it comes. I shall await and see how it goes. I believe it won't be bad. I know it won't.

She'll be fine.


Tuesday, November 16, 2010

ISIS KING: I See Myself In Her

In as much as there are tons of transgender persons to emulate in the world, there is one woman that has always stood out for me.
Isis King.

Her life has always been an inspiration to me. I remember watching the videos on YouTube of her being interviewed by Tyra Banks (who is also a huge inspiration to me) and getting teary at how much her life is similar to mine. Its amazing. She talks of how she feels of her **** and I can't agree more. I really can't. And that's just but one of the things that she talks of in her interview(s) with Tyra that just make me all teary and smile and hope.

When she was told that she's going to be sponsored by Tyra and Marci Bowers to have her surgery done, I only had one thing in mind: I wish the same would happen to me.

Go to YouTube and check out the videos. I swear, I would sound the same if it were me!


Monday, November 15, 2010

The Usual

On Saturday 20th November I shall have clocked 7 Months since I began taking hormones (properly) and since I had my surgery. If you've not been following, look at my first month's post, the second and the fifth month. Quite something! Its exciting news for me. (Funny, they look like those stuff people say at AA meetings haha!)

Apparently, and I have said this before, I am not as anonymous as I'd want to be. So all ye who know me, thanks for the support. Its always good to have you all around, and do keep the anonymity, its important for me to know its still there, real or not. Its no worries. I am hoping for the best. All the ones who have beef with me (and/or people like me) I am sorry you feel that way. My advice? Pray for me. I really want to walk on golden streets.

Again, I sincerely want to thank everyone who follows my life (following my blog is following my life! *creepy*). It makes me happy to know that y'all have a better understanding about a girl who is transgender and living in Kenya. It makes me happy to know that my few posts here and there have made a considerable mark in the Kenyan blogosphere and all other internet arenas.

And on that note, it isn't that weird right? You know, I am not weird? People always look at you like "OMG how is it?" and in my head am like "dude(tte) - its not all that! am just simple... a Kenyan girl who happens to have small boobs and a d***.

Something else on my mind is that I seriously want, no, need to go for electrolysis! Or was it laser hair removal? Anyway, you get my drift. While I have somehow gotten used to shaving my face every 2-3 days (dread!), everytime I do it I remind myself that I do need to go do it. Sadly, it costs money and am not yet prepared. I also am at a point where I am shifting focus in other angles and I shall need the money there.

Last thing, the "I am an alien" status has not changed yet. Its dragging on and on and quite frankly am reaching boiling point. But not to worry, I shall wait.

Patience pays. I learnt.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Soon And Very Soon

Thought I should tell you that as the days go by, this blog is becoming harder and harder to maintain. But not to worry, the time will come when it shall be relevant again.

Things are changing. I am shifting focus to other things. But they definitely will change.

Just a note.


Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Sex Life? Haha!

i know i said i will share my sex life at one point but err... am kinda shy!! don't blame me! its my background! okay maybe am just giving an excuse. but seriously, some things here in kenya are a clear taboo! and err... lemme not mention this.

i will say this though, i so so wish i could get that surgery soon. there are these days when am thinking to myself how it would feel to have a vajayjay (as tyra calls it!) how it would feel to put your finger in it (gai!) or even have that special someone put his nini in it! hehe... am just being honest here.... these are my thoughts. ive been curious all the way and am still curious. i still hate that thing hanging hanging there and sometimes i do wish i could pick that scissors and *snip*!

besides all that, am okay. sex is good. like any other couple, we have our highs and lows. .... and i know one of the reasons why am not so comfortable writing this is because i know my mom is reading this! i digress.. ... getting back to focus.. as i was saying, we have highs and lows. we are both busy people and very busy at that but somehow we still get to fulfil one another. 

something i know ive mentioned before, is that my libido went tumbulu! it went down. sometimes i think that this is a major contributor of why ... naah! its not. lemme not even mention it... that man is something else! i digress again....

so. i have opened even more up. if you know me, dare you mention this to my face! 


Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Global Voices Online Interviews Lindsay

I have just been told of this post by Haute Haiku of The Gay-Kafe Kenya.

Kenya: My Life as a Transgender Girl in Kenya

Lindsay is a transgendered woman living in Kenya who shares her life and her journey to womanhood on her blogLiving Lindsay- My life as a transgender girl in Kenya. She describes herself as “I'm a normal girl with not-so-normal traits. I am transgender, or transsexual if you like.”
This is going to be her sixth month since her surgery and she feels that she is more at ease with her life than before. Her main goal is to educate the public on transgender issues in Kenya by answering questions from the public about her journey on her blog.  She has blogged about her surgery orchidectomy, blogging and challenges she has to go through; violent encounters, how she had to move houses and her struggle with her identification documents. Her story has also been highlighted in one of the Kenyan daily newspaper and she hopes that she will make a difference in the Kenyan society.
I recently interviewed Lindsay about her transitional journey, blogging and other issues relating to transgender community in Kenya and Africa.
Question: What inspired you to start a blog?
Answer: At the time, I felt I needed to share out my views, rant, have a place to be free and talk about my thoughts feelings and stuff. It was the perfect place where I could be myself without hiding. I also thought I could reach out to others like me and learn from them.
Q: For how long have you been blogging?
A: The blog has been operational for the last two years. My first post is dated May 2008. That's when I started.
Q: What is the life of transgendered person in Kenya?
A: That's not an easy question. We are different. Some of us have it easy (like me) and some of us have it rough. I for one was blessed enough to have the support of most of my family including my Mother, to have a source of income which enables me to purchase hormones and undergo surgery (Bilateral Orchidectomy) and simply survive. Others do not have this. Some of us have had to become sex workers so as to have a livelihood. Most of us, because of family pressure, lack of finances and other factors, still live in their assigned sexes (for example a trans man still living as a woman) and therefore is still suffering within. Others because of fear of stigma, cannot do anything.
In general, if you are discovered to be transgender, the likelihood of you being stigmatized, harassed, discriminated against, beaten up, ridiculed, publicly undressed to see what you have between your legs and the worst of all, corrective raped is high. Sometimes even such violations are done by the very peopled entrusted with the power to protect us, i.e. the police. Even more disheartening, is that the government has little policies and laws that assist the transgendered person in Kenya and. What's there is that police use laws such as “impersonation” to harass and jail trans persons.
Q: What drove the desire for your  transition? When did you start journey?
A: I consider myself a woman. I wanted to look like one. The way I felt I was, who I felt I was. This was my desire. To be me. Both inside and out. I hated pretending to be something I wasn't.
I began transitioning about a year ago in September 2009. The process is not easy. At first, because of my physical appearance, it was extremely difficult to convince people that I was female. In fact, one of the incidences I had was in a hotel where I wanted to use the ladies and this guard forcefully stopped me asking me why I was going into the ladies room and saying “Are you a girl?” repeatedly. Luckily I was saved by one of the hotel employees. I came to understand later that the said employee had previously worked in South Africa and hence was exposed to such scenarios.
After months of struggling and intake of hormones, my appearance improved and it was hard to detect that I was previously male-looking. I was excited. Later on I managed to book for an appointment with a surgeon to undergo Bilateral Orchiectomy. This in lay terms is a castration – the removal of the testes. I did this because one, I needed to save up on cost of reducing testosterone levels in my body and the elimination of testes meant that I produced virtually no testosterone, and two, I felt that it would not be a problem to have them anyway, if anything, I'd be happier without them. To me they were a nuisance. I still haven't done the main GRS as it is costly and am not yet prepared for it. Also, to have it done in Kenya is a big problem and people who have attempted before have faced numerous challenges that have proved futile.
Q: When did you learn that you are a transgender other than gay or any other labels that would be stamped on you?
A: I discovered I was different when I was about 4 years old. I knew that something wasn't right. Something about my gender. Back then I didn't know what it was. Until later in life when I was in high school and was introduced to internet and discovered the word GID (gender identity disorder). Before then, I knew about gays, but I knew that that didn't describe what I felt/was.
Q: You have a post on your blog that says “I don't exist” clarify on that. What problems does a trans person  go through in Africa.
A: I wrote that post in lamentation for the bare fact that, while I do have an identity card, it is in a name that I do not use, that I cannot use and that I refuse to use. Again, it has a picture of someone who does not even remotely look like me. Therefore, even if I tell someone that that is my ID card, they'd hardly believe me.
Also, getting a new identity card with my new name is not allowed. The current laws might allow for change of name but they don't allow for change of sex. In addition, that change of name is rarely approved if it is clearly a change from a male name to a female name or vice versa. This is why I termed myself “an alien”.
Q: How do you feel now that now that you have gone through your surgery gender reassignment surgery? What do you friends and family think?
A: Let me clarify that I have not undergone GRS yet. What I had is a castration.
Considering the reasons why I did so, my supporting family & friends have no problem with it, although the question of whether I wanted to have offspring came up often. I told them I didn't mind not having kids from my own blood/sperm for the bare fact that the means (of having the baby) would not be acceptable to me.
Q: How has your  life changed now that you are a transgender woman?
A: I am a happier more fulfilled person now. I feel rejuvenated, I feel happy practically daily and living now for me has more meaning. I am much much better than I was a year ago.
Q: How would you describe LGBT blogosphere in Africa?
A: Africa has few LGBTI bloggers (yes, people tend to forget the “I” yet they are part of it!) but the ones I have seen actually help improve the image of lgbti persons in society. I have heard people tell me that their views have changed simply because they read something on my blog or on some other lgbti's blog. I actually hope to see more and more lgbti bloggers out there and even more specific, have a intersex person share their livelihood, challenges and joys with us so as to learn more and increase our tolerance levels.
Q: Has blogging helped in communicating LGBT issues in Kenya, what is the progress?
A: Yes. I think a lot has changed and by people reading blogs from lgbti persons, more awareenss is created. There are many many blogs out there being published daily and I feel that this has helped. One blogger friend called me the first Kenyan transgender blogger and I feel so honored. I am happy thay through my blogging, many have learnt a lot about trans persons and the pink community in general.
Q: What do you think about the future of blogging concerning LGBTs?
A: I think the future now needs to shift into more personal issues. Considering that awareenss is being increased every day, word about such blogs needs to be out there more. The only problem is that there are less ‘out' or visible bloggers and that anonymity poses a certain detriment.

Thursday, October 14, 2010


OK. Fine. Am not going anywhere. And yes am gonna write more. I've gotten enough support. But let me warn you though, it ain't easy. You know, updating n stuff. But am gonna try.

Hope I ain't sounding ish ish. Its just that, as Monica Roberts (a regular reader n commenter of this blog) said, its tough figuring out the balance. How much to reveal, how much to hide. Coz with all honesty I cant be yapping about my life in eeevrything! No can do! Siwesimek! (slang for I can't make it – realised that I need to be translating such considering I have readers from all over the world!)

So, as Amy, Sinia and Monica said in commenting on my last post, one way to know how it is to live in Kenya is by reading my blog. Cool! I'm gonna try. (I said that already!)

So, last thing before I off, remember when I said I was off my meds, well I discovered that my teeny booblets had reduced!!! Imagine! I was so so shocked. So lesson learnt. Do not not take your meds. Its a matter of life and death! (for the boobs that is!). While we are on the topic, why am I talking boobs alone? Why am I even mentioning body aspects? First reason that pops into mind is because well, boobs are the true definition of womanhood. No, that does not mean that all women (even those identifying as) have to have boobs. It simply means that, for me, boobs = womanhood, atleast for the look. The reason am saying this is because sometimes there are women without boobs and men with boobs. So basically it boils down to how you identify yourself and what fits best for you.

Hopefully tomorrow or next week I shall tell something little about my oh so boring sex life!

*XOXO* (p.s. am not mimicking gossip-girl! she copied me!!!)

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

I Know I Don't Post Much Nowadays...

... but please fogive me.

or better yet, why don't you comment and ask me what you'd like to know.

could be fun right?


asking me...



answering them...

you know...


okay... maybe am tryna fill up space so it doesn't really look so so short.

but am easy.. except for the fact that im still gettin 'em hot flashes here and there. and then again

my nipples are still sensitive (what am i writing????) but its true. so i find myself wanting to scratch.. then i don't do so because i donno who's looking (been there?) its soo frustrating.

do you know that in ten days it will be the 6th month since i had my surgery n took em hormones

but something i dont like.. is that the bubs are still so so far. i know, i know, the period has been put as a minimum of two years. am nice like that, informing u n stuff.

but seriously, si u ask me anything? or better yet, chambua this blog!


Friday, October 8, 2010

Darn Hot Flashes!

i was off my progynova pills for a while... about four days. 

HOT FLASHES came to me! i'd get them at odd times. all of a sudden i feel so so hot its like am right in a furnace! jeez! thats not a nice thing to feel. 

i bought my pills again though. they are quite expensive you know. spending about Ksh.1,200 ($15) per month is no joke. not like i can't afford it, its just that i had stuff to do with the cash and needed it. then the prices were fluctuating and i being the economic one wanted to save the buck!

my deed poll is not yet through. need cash to pay the lawyer. but am hoping things go well. hopefully by end of month or mid next month i shall have it and eventually apply for a passport. i don't have one yet.

life is good. am really enjoying it. don't worry. someday i shall be able to share even more about my not-so-amazing life!


Monday, October 4, 2010

Boy Oh Girl!

A friend asked me why I don't post anymore.

Know what? I didn't have an answer. All I had were excuses. Oh this oh that.

But the main reason (the one I feel fits best) is that I no longer feel anonymous. I like the anonymity. Unless I convert the blog to be more public, more me, it just cant work. The only way it will (as I think) is

if Lindsay came out.

How is that gonna be? How am I gonna handle it? These are some of the questions I keep asking myself day in day out.

More importantly, how is my decision to come out (publicly)(internet-ly) gonna be? Because, then, people will know me, how I look, who I interact with and so on.

One thing I know is that somewhere in the future, be it in weeks, months or even days, I will be in the public limelight. There is a gap in activism that I feel I should join. And my colleagues also feel the same. But these are questions I'm battling with.

How will my family take it?

How will my 'friend' take it? Will he leave me just to avoid public scorn? And if he does leave, will I be able to find another? Or will I be able to remain single?

How will my friends (those who don't know about my condition) take it? Will they abandon me?

How will I take it? Will I be able to handle whatever publicity that will be thrown at me? Will I be able to lead the same lifestyle I have now? Will it still be the same? Will it be better?

How will the public take it? Will they do something to me? Will my landlord chase me away? Will I be encouraged? Will I be scorned?

So so many questions. One thing I don't like doing is saying out loud that something bad will happen to me. Because I feel that in some way, you attract it to yourself. But I refuse that. I refuse to believe that completely.

As for now, I wait. I hope. I believe.

Ciao friends.


Wednesday, September 22, 2010

20th September: Five Months Later...

Its been err.. 5 months since I had my surgery and began taking hormones! Gosh! 5 months. What's changed??

Nothing much! Don't be disappointed.

Physically nothing much has changed. I don't need to spell it out.

Life is as is... going about well... since the story was published on the newspaper my visibility has increased..... I guess... I aint as anonymous as I thought I'd be... but... anywany...

That's practically it. Nothing much as I said.

And yes...

Its a good thing! I like this! Am happy... am thankful.... am grateful... things are good... and you know what? 

I feel like this!!!

THIS WAS THE IDEA!!! This is why... I doubt if I'd be this happy if I hadn't made that decision about a year and 18 days ago to take up that new job. I wouldn't.... its been a year since I began transitioning. A year from 7th September 2009. That's when Lindsay came out and said "enough is enough!"!!

And as I always say, "Live and Let Live!"


Monday, August 30, 2010

Getting Harder By The Day

nothing much happening. would wanna update y'all, but somehow things are not going as planned.

but not to worry. maybe i will bounce back.

you never know.

for now, this short post will do.

(update) lets just say am gone on sabbatical.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Free to live as a woman, at last [Daily Nation 18th August]

On today's paper, my story appears.

Free to live as a woman, at last

Illustration by JOHN NYAGA
Illustration by JOHN NYAGA | Story thanks to Daily Nation Living Magazine
Posted Tuesday, August 17 2010 at 08:49
Lindsay, a 22-year-old transsexual raised as a man, shares her hopes and fears about her decision to live as a woman

“Today, I’m living my life the way I was meant to,” Lindsay* begins.
Born male and named Leo*, Lindsay had lived all her life as a man.
Then, in September last year, she began her journey to womanhood.
Recalling her feelings of being “trapped” in the wrong body she says, “I remember playing with dolls and other girlie toys.
I hated boyish toys. I also remember secretly trying on some of my mother’s clothes, shoes and make up.
I especially loved walking in her high heels. Emotionally, I felt like a girl,” recalls the finance assistant with a local NGO.
Perturbed by Leo’s behaviour, his mother gave him a serious tongue-lashing. “I felt sad because I couldn’t understand why she was angry with me, yet I was only behaving naturally,” Lindsay explains.
Afraid that she might have had too much “feminine” influence on him, Leo’s mother took him to a mixed boarding school in Standard Four.
But that did not help.
“I associated with girls and enjoyed spending time with them. The boys teased me for being ‘one of the girls’ but I didn’t mind.
I enjoyed girlie talk and games, and felt like one of them,” offers the 22-year-old.
Come puberty, Leo was a late bloomer. “While my peers were breaking their voices, developing broad shoulders and growing beards, I remained baby-faced, smooth-skinned and had a high-pitched voice.
Worse still, I had a feminine gait. But when I was 13, I started getting attracted to boys,” she recalls.
Leo’s new feelings both scared and confused him, so he sought refuge in religion and became born-again. “I spent endless days and nights begging God to make me normal, but my feelings remained unchanged, and the stress sent me into a depression.”
After completing primary education, the Nairobi-bred Leo joined a boy’s boarding secondary school in Central Province where, thanks to his effeminacy, he was nicknamed ‘kasupuu’ (pretty girl) shortly after admission.
“I did not engage in aggressive sports and instead preferred interactive activities such as acting, dancing and singing.
I joined the school choir and drama club, where I was always given female roles, which came to me naturally so I did not need to act,” Lindsay recalls of her secondary school days.
Leo’s attraction to boys never ceased, and Lindsay confesses to having engaged in relationships with one or two boys while in high school.
When he mentioned this attraction to his mother, she dismissed it, saying that, as an only child of a single parent, he liked boys because he lacked a father figure. “But I knew this was not true because I was not gay,” Lindsay offers.
While in high school, Leo resolved to stop living as a man and began searching the Internet for information on his predicament.
“It is thanks to this research that I learnt that there were many other people like me.
Better still, I learnt that I could do something about it, that I could actually become a woman. That’s when I decided to transition,” she explains
But he could not find a way to tell his mother. “Every time I thought of telling my mum, my heart skipped several beats.
I did not want to shock her or break her heart because we were very close. She is a conservative person and although she knew there was something unusual about me, she had not heard of transitioning.”
After completing high school, Leo wrote a four-page letter to his mother, placed it on her bed and left for his grandparents home in the village, where he spent an agonising two weeks.
“Waiting for her reaction made me extremely anxious,” Lindsay recalls.
But when Leo returned to Nairobi, her reaction surprised him: “You are my child. We will go through thistogether.
But you have to complete college before you start transitioning.”
It was a great relief for Leo. “I was elated. Knowing that I had her support encouraged me and I could now move forward with confidence.
As a result, I intensified my research on transsexuality and transitioning,” recalls Lindsay.
Finally, after completing a two-year course in July last year, Leo embarked on his journey to womanhood.
He changed his name to Lindsay and began dressing up like a woman. “I shopped for dresses, shoes and make up.
My mother and other male-to- female transsexuals (MTF) helped me.”
At the same time, Lindsay started taking anti-androgen pills to reduce the levels of testosterone in her body in preparation for a bilateral orchiectomy (removal of the testicles). The operation reduced the production of the male hormone, testosterone.
Immediately thereafter, she began taking a daily does of estrogen pills, which she bought over the counter at Sh74 per dose, for four months, until December last year. The effects are already showing.
“My breasts are slowly growing and my nipples have become more sensitive. My skin is now smoother, and my facial hair has significantly decreased. I have also noticed that my waist is getting smaller while my hips are broader,” she says.
The change is not just physical. “I’m calmer and more at peace. I hear I will be moody and emotional but I have yet to feel that so I’ve developed a wait-and-see attitude.”
Lindsay has also experienced hot flushes and mood swings, the side-effects of the operation.
“Although hot flushes are not the best of feelings, having them reassures me of my femininity!” she says, adding that her libido has, however, declined.
Notably, Lindsay has just come out of a relationship with a man. And since the operation, it is now much easier to hide her remaining male genitalia. “I now worry less when wearing short skirts since I do not feel as uncomfortable as I used to,” she says.
Her greatest dilemma regarding relationships remains whether and when to tell her partner about her condition. “It worries me when I meet a man who wants to since I can’t hide my past from him. I’m scared of his possible reaction if he learns the truth.”
But she hopes a day will come when she will not have to agonise over breaking the news to a potential lover without him hitting the roof.
“I couldn’t be happier,” says Lindsay 10 months after she began transitioning.
But she needs a sex reassignment surgery (SRS) to complete her transition. SRS, also known as gender reassignment surgery (GRS) involves surgical alteration of the genitalia. Lindsay says she has not been able to undergo the operation because of the cost — between Sh600,000 and 800,000 — and local doctors’ reluctance to do it.
“A friend once tried to have it done locally but no doctor would do it, although it had been recommended by a psychiatrist, approved by her family and she could afford it.”
Lindsay, once an active church member who even sang in the choir, says she has not been there since she started living as a woman.
Although she misses their company and fellowship, she believes most will condemn her, hence her decision to stay away.
She hopes to join another church, where the members do not know about her past.
Despite such inconveniences, Lindsay is ecstatic. “It feels great to live as a woman.
It is not something people understand easily, but when I compare my life now with what it was like before I began transitioning, I must say I’m living a happy and fulfilling life,” she enthuses.
Any plans to have children?
“I love children, but since I cannot have any of my own, I would be very happy to adopt.”
LINDSAY SAYS HER mother, though still of coming to terms with her transition, remains her closest companion.
“For 21 years my mother was called ‘Mama Leo’, but this now has to change to ‘Mama Lindsay’.
It is not easy for her and I understand. I’m just grateful that she supports me, giving me some of her clothes and offering me fashion tips.
She attends educative seminars and related functions with me.
She is a great mum but I have to give her time and space to fully deal with the situation.”
Reactions from her extended family have been mixed. “Some have accepted my decision, some are trying to deal with it, yet others have rejected me outright. I’ve realised that even those who seem to be understanding feel uneasy when I’m around them.
Others are angry and disappointed, saying I made the wrong move, that I’m too young, that I rushed into it, that this could have been somehow avoided, that I spat in God’s face.
Some have suggested that I be taken to a certain evangelist because I’m possessed by demons and need to be exorcised”.
Lindsay says she avoids friends who knew her as Leo for fear that they migh not accept her.
“We live in a society that does not easily embrace new ideas, especially those that have to do with sexuality, and this is something I have to deal with. I fear that Leo’s friends will not accept me and my decision to transition.”

I sure hope this makes some form of difference in the Kenyan Society.


Monday, August 16, 2010

Dilemma, Dilemma, Dilemma!

i have a new dilemma.

i have shared out this blog to most of my close friends and relatives and now most of them follow it religiously, i guess to know more about my life and its ups and downs.

problem is, i am no longer anonymous!

there are certain things id like to shed off but i simply can. i dont want those "haiya" looks coming from them when i meet them *sigh*

wish it were easier aki. truly do.

nowadays all i write is short posts with paragraphs of about one or two sentences tops. is it fair? i dont think so.

here is a solution to this particular paragraph. i will mix it up. no breaking it down. let it flow. lets see how it goes. i dont write much so i guess the sentences will be short. someone said you can actually write about virtually anything. oh and one thing popped into my head. is there a similarity between my two blogs? can one who follows both be able to see that this is one and the same person even if i (try to) write about completely different things on both? can they? 

reminds me again. i met a new trans girl. shes sweet. tall slender and has hips! omg! that was crazy! coz she's all androgynous and one can't really tell if she's a he or she. kinda reminds me of my hey days (hehe "hey days"... i like that!). but she's sweet and young. i told her what to do. about transitioning and stuff. i told her that she needs to be completely ready before she does anything. she asked me to help her buy meds (hormones) which i did gladly but not after a serious pep talk (in a noisy bar over some novida!)! i made her understand that for one its damn expensive especially because she has to deal with the testosterone in her body - which by the way is very very feminine! - and then some. i also told her that she'd have to keep things under wraps as she is going to college and all. seeing that she will still be forced to identify as male, then she'd have to stick to being androgynous.

my other dilemma, something i must have mentioned before, is men. oh men oh men! i get hit on all the time nowadays. ALL THE TIME! fine, it feels good n all but it makes me sad. why? because its hard being me. am still scared they might see something in me! something "they can't quite put a finger on"! yep. still freaks me out. like dancing with dudes then its kinda sensual and hands travel to places and....omg what am i writing! ok lemme finish...hands travel...and then maybe ...a slip...and omg what the hell is that between...STOP! <-- I DONT WANT THAT! i am sccaaaarreeed of that! okay lets say that doesnt really happen. but what if this dude is totally into me and now "wants to know me more"...what do i do? what do i tell them? i try throwing the "gay card" (tell them am pro-gay n stuff) and see their reaction. if the dude is like "woow! i don't like gays!" then thats the cue for me to run! but they still come back! huh!! now what?!

ok back to my first dilemma..

see, stuff like what i just wrote now feel even harder to write about. feels like am an open book. (which by the way is true when they read my blog...) feels like am trading my life out. opening it to others. wondering if i shall ever have some form of privacy. fine i dont mention about other stuff like what sex position i use or even whether i have sex at all.....which reminds libido? KAPUT!....back...yea. stuff like that. do i write about them? or do i keep them to myself.

you tell me.


Thursday, August 12, 2010


i am getting tired. i dont know why. work is okay, life is ish ish. but every day i feel tired. i dont know why.

maybe that is why i can't even write anything. nothing!



Wednesday, August 11, 2010

What's Natural, Really? (Newspaper Cutting)

I saw an old news paper cutting in my house without the date or where it appeared. Just thought I'd share.

What's Natural, Really? (Newspaper Cutting)

There have been many views about whether a person is born gay or is recruited into 'gayism' or just find themselves in circumstances that lead to it. My belief is that its all three. You can be born gay, be recruited into it, or reach a point where you start asking yourself; am I gay or what? But gay people say that you are either gay or not, there is no in-between.

Many people frown at gay people, claiming its unnatural. Please, like we are not surrounded by so much that is unnatural that, because we don't want to deal with it we dismiss as witchcraft and satanic. We refuse to believe that the same God responsible for making a 'perfect' being is also responsible for making things we cannot comprehend. There is this fourteen year old in Germany who grew up as Tim but ever since he was two, he told his parents over and over that he was a girl, trapped in a boy's body. As a child, Tim liked to play with Barbie dolls and enjoyed wearing dresses, the father says.

Now at fourteen, Tim is going through a sex change (by receiving hormone injections that will arrest his male development).

He is no longer a he, but a she with the name Kim. Psychiatrists who've seen Kim says her mental condition is normal, that she was just trapped in the wrong body. I say good for Kim's parents for listening to her and letting her be who she really is.

People may dismiss this as something that happens only in the west, well, I say lets open our eyes and ears and start seeing things as they really are.

Quite interesting eh? Looks like it was written three or four years ago and on Living Magazine Daily Nation. Not sure about that though.

In other news, Nairobi is just way too cold! This should be a record!


Friday, August 6, 2010

I Wonder

dear diary,

time flies really fast. it does. my oh my!

okay. regaining composure. my contract ends tomorrow! yes. kesho. at least i heard good news. i have improved immensely and so am not worried. i just hope that what am expecting wont be too much to ask. can't wait tho!

i have been meeting really nice peeps and one of them has been touching my heart alot. makes you think about "if only..."

i have also been wondering what im gonna do about the blog. its like i wanna come out but then am fearful. its like i just wanna let it slide and flow on its own, i mean, kwani i have to go and spell it out on my forehead "im transgender!!". it aint none of their biz ama? seriously thinking about this tho.

the hormones. hmmm...where do i begin? its been slow. nothing much has progressed. maybe am expecting too much of it. the boobs kinda stopped growing. or maybe they're growing its just that am not noticing. i dont know. anyway, let it be. at least am taking the pills kama kawaida. its like how women take their contraceptives. its kila siku. morning and evening 2mgs of progynova (estradiol valerate). need them lots :D

still going on with that dilemma. you know, the one of wondering if someone suspects anything about me, the one of wondering if i should or should not tell someone of my trans identity, yea. still makes me uncomfy. one reason is because i dont know how theyre gonna respond if they knew. the reaction id get from them. wish id read minds... really do. but eeh! kwani? al continue being me. it wont matter. it doesnt matter. and if it does, then akwende. he can go his/her way ama?

and...still wondering about my voice. i really should stop wondering and worrying about it. i was told its sexy coz its deep. most girls are forcing i heard! as in they try lowering it. some even go to extreme of smoking severally just to make the voice go down some notes lower am blessed eh? hmmm...i should think of doing voice-overs or better yet, radio or even tv anchoring! just a thought! 

and there you have it diary. my thoughts for today.

p.s. don't ask why i keep changing the look. nakuanga hivo :)

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