On The Other Side

There's a question that just came to mind. How does it feel to be on the other side?

I personally have no issue with myself; with who I am (duh!).. but what of others? How do they feel when they see me for the first time since for ever?

I can't imagine how it must feel like to meet me after 10 years, where the last you knew of me was that I was a boy. What's the underlying thought that crosses your mind when you look at me now, and compare that image with the last mental image you have of me?


I can imagine the shock, disbelief, confusion and everything. But I can't really tell how it feels.

All I can tell anyone that I've shocked and is as a result not yet able to even look me in the eye, let alone give me a hug to say hi or bye, is that I'm sorry and I hope you can someday come to terms.

What I know is that not everyone will embrace me. Not everyone will accept me. And I'm not just talking about my being trans, its more than that. Its about life and living. Every aspect of it.

Sadly, not everyone gets along. Its one of those things about humanity we may never understand.

Some Statistics

I was going through my Blogger Dashboard and came across the "Stats" tab. I didn't know it existed. In my curiosity, I saw this.

(you can click on it for a larger view, right click and click view image.. or something)

Quite interesting is that I wanted to reach Kenyan audiences but it seems the largest audience I have is the US and the UK. Fascinating.

Hoping that some more people read on... especially Kenyans.

Maybe I got boring....

This thing called SEX!

I've been thinking about this for quite some time now. Sex.  Yeah yeah, I ain't a perv so don't start! Well, the reason sex has been on my mind, and is not in anyway related to what I want to do, is simple. What comes to mind when someone like me, a trans, gets hit on?

I probably have mentioned this before but I guess it something I'm experiencing more and more and felt the need to share (again). It's not as simple as you think. Let me babble on.

See, nowadays I get hit on a lot. And I do mean a lot. Now, while I don't mind the attention, it can get annoying sometimes. It's one of those things I used to envy my fellow cousins and friends of but now that it's actually happening to me, eish! It can get a tad bit too much.

But there is one specific thing that crosses my mind every time something like this happens, I often ask myself,

"Hmm... I wonder if they can tell. Ok maybe they can't. Well actually they can't. I'm pretty, no? Ok. Lemme stop being vain! But seriously, so what if I was single? How would I go through it? Well, yeah, I've had experiences before where a guy has actually said its fine and they'll deal with it but, really, do they? Does it come that easy? How about a guy who tells you that they're not homophobic but whenever you mention anything about two gay men their facial expression tells you otherwise. Yeah yeah, I mentioned homophobic instead of transphobic. Why, because truth be told, there is some form of similarity there. But that's a thought conversation for another day, okay? So where were we? Yea, that guy who clearly is hiding some fears about gay sex. Now how will he react when he internalises the fact that A) I don't have big (enough) boobs and B) I am pre-op? AKA, still have "the bits"? How will he deal with that?"

Let's take up another angle. It's not just guys who hit on me. Even girls and trans men do. And it still got me thinking about the same damn thing. Sex! How would it be? That is the golden question. Think about it.

Even as I ponder on this hard question, I can't help but wonder why we emphasise so so much on SEX!! I have this one ardent follower here called "Alehandro". From day one this guy has relentlessly beckoned me to be his. And by that I mean he wants to **** me. And every time he asks me that, I throw back a question. Why? Why all the emphasis? Why does this thing have such a hold on us humanity? It's so interesting isn't it? That to tell apart love from lust or infatuation, emotions from plain desire... is so so hard!

But anyway, lemme let you think on that for now. I think it won't be the last time I hear of it.

 

*XOXO*

 

Still Happens...

A year has passed since I had my surgery and started taking Progynova. Its been great. I couldn't be happier.

Thing is, even nowadays whenever I look in the mirror, I still see a speck or two or even several, of my old self. Do you know I don't even look at those old photos of myself? My mum has them close somewhere. I understand her. Its hard losing a son and gaining a daughter all at the same time. That's the easiest way to explain it. Definitely the real explanation is different from that but.... I digress.

I still have those shivers that someone's gonna notice something odd about me. Even now when I have more confidence about my (small) bust, I am still conscious of what I do and how I do it.

But, I just have to deal with it. One way or another I need to stop caring about what people think and just mind my own business. I already know I'm pretty, I don't need anyone to validate that!


XOXO