I'M BAAAAAACCCKKKK!!!!!

I AM BACK BIACHES!!!

HAHAHA!!!!!

Did y'all miss me?

I've had such a great, difficult, exhausting, confusing and wonderful few years since I last posted.

I am now happily married to a wonderful man and we are planning a future together. We actually didn't think it would be possible to get married but since we are 'unique', we got it done! Yay!

I've also added some considerable weight! *sigh* It is both good and bad. I've been struggling with the weight issue for a while now and while I love that my body is all curvy and sexy and I look like a mamaa, I still battle with weight stuff and self stigma. I feel like I am overweight and that I desperately need to shed a few.

BUTT...

I am hopeful that in the next year or so I will manage to cut down my weight to a manageable and agreeable number. Pale nimefika imekua sasa kidogo too much bana..

ALSO...

We are doing great things in terms of advancing the rights of people like me in Kenya and in the region. I am sure some of you already know me in person but the rest sio lazima mnijue. My life is my life and I like to keep it private. Mnaelewa, sindio?

Keeping my life private has always been of prime importance to me. I've never wanted to be in the public eye. My friends like Audrey have always challenged me to at least do an interview or something...

LAKINI...

I am concerned about my safety. My family, my relatives...friends... and to repeat, my SAFETY! It isn't that I don't want the public to know about our existence, challenges, struggles and lives, but that I need to feel secure.

I mean, I live in a rented apartment! What if I am kicked out of my house? What if the environment I occupy is suddenly hostile and I am targeted, undressed, beaten, humiliated, paraded etc? What if?

What if they go for my mother? What if they fire her for having a daughter like me?

These are the questions that run through my mind whenever I think about doing a TV interview.

But DAAAYYYUUUMMM!!

I'd look HOT in an interview dontchathink? ;-) hehe

That is all for today..

Toodles!

Lind.

Gimme A Name Change Already!!!

I am so so mad!!


This silly government of ours has decided to delay the process for me to get a name change. I have all my papers correct and oh, just because I am changing my name from a "male" one to a typically "female" one, they've raised questions.

I am tempted to blame the recent talk about gay issues in the country and sadly, trans issues are still being lumped together with gay issues and people still view trans persons as "extreme" gays. But I won't. I don't want to step on anyone's toes and be called homophobic. *sigh*

So the reality is that about five months ago, no, six months, I lodged a request to have my name changed. Its supposed to be a simple process that takes no more than two weeks for approval and a month to lapse after being gazetted.

They've refused. They're asking me to seek approval from some director and am asking myself, who is this person am supposed to 'seek approval' from? How do they know me? What is it to them if I am changing my name? I have no criminal record and duuh, ITS NON OF THEIR BUSINESS!!

Okay, maybe I am complaining a wee bit too much, but honestly, can't you see my frustrations? Lemme give you ten things I can't do now because "I don't exist".

1. I wanna travel outside country. I can't do that because I don't have a passport. If I go apply for one right now they'll tell me "you can't apply using your brother's documents, go bring yours"... oh wait, I have none!!
2. I wanna go back to school. I can't because, again, I can't use 'my brother's' documents!
3. I wanna open a bank account. I can't!!
4. I wanna travel locally using an airline. Can't!
5. I wanna invest my hard earned cash somewhere. Can't!!
6. I wanna start a business. Can't!!
7. I wanna go for driving lessons. Can't! You need an ID or Passport to get a DL!
8. I wanna buy a car... Can't!!
9. I wanna get into a certain society and save money for my old age. CAN'T!!
10. I wanna buy a mortgage for a house for my mom. CAN'T!!!!!

I. Am. So. Frustrated!!!!!

Want me to go on?? It is soooo freaking tiring having to lag behind and miss out on great great opportunities I swear!!!


Anyway..... next time you say trans people have it easy, think again! Okay, I take that back. Atleast I don't walk the streets of Nairobi during the day wondering if the person behind me will stab me to death because they suspect I am (fill in the blank).

I hope this stalemate ends soon and I can finally achieve the above ten. HUH!!


Nice day.

XOXO

A Trans In Uganda (BorrowedPost)

Friday, November 21, 2008

A Trans in Uganda [Gay Uganda]



Like it is worldwide, the travails of a Trans are that much more arduous than a gay man. Or a lesbian. From today's monitor.

Tororo’s man who loves to be a woman

Augustine Emojong

Tororo

A Tororo man who was in 2006 arrested for assault wont stop wanting to be a woman.

Popularly known as Fatuma Segiyirira, the impersonator fought over a man with another woman at Nagongera township in a bar where ‘she’ worked as a barmaid. Segiyirira was taken to Tororo Central Police Station where ‘she’ was kept in the female cells.

Segiyirira was then produced in court on charges of assault and sent to Morukatipe Prison where he was also kept in a female inmates’ wing. He was later discovered to be a man after he reportedly started threatening to infect fellow female inmates with HIV/Aids. The Police added another charge of impersonation and he was returned to Morukatipe Prison in the male wing.

After serving a one-year sentence, he was recently released. The detention appears not to have change him. Segiyirira had been on the loose again until last week when his luck ran out for the second time. He had been to Mudakori Trading Centre in Tororo where she had camped looking for a job of a barmaid.

This time round, he called herself Margaret.

Residents told Daily Monitor that after spending some days in the area, he had attracted the attention of many men. He allegedly conned many of men and declined to have sex with them, pretending that he was in his menstrual periods. His luck ran out last weekwhen a curious young man tried to touch his ‘breasts’ at a drinking joint, only to get amused when a sponge fell down.

The LC1 Chairperson, Mrs Angella Okello and other women, took him to a separate house to check and ascertain his gender but were shocked to discover that he was a mature man. Drama then ensued as he was stripped and beaten by angry residents who forced him to walk naked for over the 5km stretch to Tororo Central Police Station.

Hundreds of curious onlookers thronged the streets to see the great woman who had turned into a man.

While being stripped, Segiyirira was found to have tied his manhood with a string, passed it between his legs and tied the string at the back of his waist to convince everyone. Some of those she had gone with say he used to smear tomato sauce on his panties to always deceive the men that he was in his monthly periods after drinking their beers and being offered some cash.

The Tororo District police Commander, Mr Gaudencio Okumu, told Daily Monitor on Monday that it was very unfortunate that Fatuma had continued with the same character after being released from prison. “We are finalising the charge sheets and he will be taken to court again on charges of impersonation and other charges which we shall find appropriate,” said Mr Okumu.

---
An exercise in futility?


I had stopped myself from commenting about Segiyirira- but that has been short lived. What crime has this lady committed? Daring to dress like a woman. Deceiving her acquitances. Those seem to be the most heinous crimes, according to the article. And what has been the punishment, which the community meted out fast and furiously?
A not so public check to confirm the genital sex.
A public beating.
Paraded naked, for 5 good kilometres
Jailed. Was there any mention of bail or police bond?
To court soon, charge- impersonation. Of a woman. (Any woman!!!)


The police commander is not happy. Second time offender, so more charges, he adds grimly.
The price of ignorance. Why should a man dress as a woman? Why would one risk one’s very life to do that? As a gay man in Uganda, I realize that I am fine in a way. For a long time, and at great cost to myself, I have learnt to hide. It is simply a necessity of survival. I hide so well that I can get lost in my own deception.
A trans person in Uganda is more disadvantaged. Much more disadvantaged, and Segiyirira has paid the price. It could as easily have become a lynch mob.


Being what I am, I cant help thinking that all these things were crimes committed by society and the state against the individual... but then, I am biased.


gug



Posted by gayuganda at 12:07 PM

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Wow! Happy new year y'all! New year, new look! It took me about an hour and a half to choose this new look and here we are now! Yippee!

Its been a whole year and yeah its been great. Major ups and downs, and minor one too. So I wanna thank you all for the support you have given me all through the last year and I indeed look forward to a better time this 2010!

Like always, I have so many stuff going on in my head and several debates rage on about what to type and what not to! Ha ha! Still, I have to write, or at least, I want to write. Gives me joy and mostly peace. I do this, as it says on my “About Me”, to try and give my fellow Kenyans and the rest of the world a view of the life of a Kenyan Transgender. My life. I am glad that some of my relatives read my blog. Maybe the ones who don't understand what is going on with me or better put, what the hell I am doing, will someday understand and maybe, just maybe, accept or at the very least, tolerate more.

I have many hopes for the new year. I am, as you all know, continuing with my transition and it really takes a toll on you. So without a doubt, most of my focus will be on this. For one, I am looking forward to getting my prescription for estrogen since I have never began those. I am also looking forward to having my small surgery hopefully next week. I don't want to waste any time because the more I wait the more the testosterone in my body continues to work against me. It is unfortunate that this “work in progress” costs so much but then again, people have problems. Most of them cost money do solve don't they?

I apologize to all for what I am about to mention. I just felt its something people wonder and I wanna give my part of it. Since I am a girl, the thought of having 'something' sticking out of you instead of having a 'hole' is very disturbing; and thats just me using pretty words! I usually don't use the word “hate”, mainly because I am thankful for everything, but to be honest to everything and most importantly to myself, I just don't like that “thing”. I'm sure everyone whose read a thing or two about transsexualism and what it means to be a transsexual, know that virtually all of them wish to undergo sexual reassignment surgery. Like me and my FTM (Female to Male) friend, we don't like what we see when we look at ourselves and in simple terms, we wish desperately that we could swap and be happy. Echoing the words of my aunt, many wonder why someone who has very well developed 'organs' would want to 'destroy' them in any way. I always say that I also wish it wasn't like so, that I wasn't going through what I'm going through now, that somehow, it would have been solved in a different way. But the reality is that this is my life, this is whats happening and this is who I am. Just like no baby wishes to be born, no person asks for the tribulations they go through. Yes, some do, but I'm talking about issues such as what I have. I however, now more than ever, are a happier, joyous, peaceful person than I was before and I now do not have as much thoughts and worries as I had before. Life has much more meaning now, even though I know the many trials and tribulations that I will have to undergo because of my status. The many dreams that I have will be much easier achieved now but will be harder to begin. This is because of the environment that I live in here in Kenya. Until people know that we exist and that there is nothing wrong with being different, we will always have troubles and struggles to go through.

My Christmas was good. It wasn't much because I didn't spend it with family as I would have wanted to but still, it was lovely. There really isn't much to write about on that period.

My New Year however was really great. I got the chance to go out again (I say that because I really don't go out that much) and I absolutely enjoyed it. Some would say it wasn't much because I left the club at around 2pm but for me that was a milestone. I ushered in the new year in style and I wasn't alone. Some guy (who happened to be straight!) I met there made it worthwhile. I had my nice high heel shoes and my favorite skirt on and a bare-back top! Thats a look that you'll rarely see me in! Oh and by the way, girls in Nairobi will only wear a skirt if its tight and if it was way above the knee, especially when going out! Mine was neither nor! Ha ha!

In essence, I had a great time this holiday, considering the fact that I was at home, a break away from work, and most of my days were spent in the house relaxing. I also had time to spend with my guy here and there. Unfortunately, his line of work meant that he was busier than ever during the season and now that it has ended, our tables are turned. My work begins while his dies down. Either way, I am glad and thankful.

I could say more, but let me save that for future posts.

**Hugs!**

TRANSGENDER BASICS

I recently got a comment from a frequent reader who told me that he would want to know more about Transgender, Transsexuals, Transvestite, Gender Queer-all those terms that may be confusing. So here goes.

Transgender
This is an umbrella term for:

1. Transsexuals
2. Transvestites
3. Cross dressers
4. Gender Queers
5. Gender Benders, Gender Non-conforming

The main problem with most of humanity is that culture has taught us that there are only two traditional gender models; also known as binary roles.

1. Sex (body has) Male (penis) Female (vagina)
2. Gender Role (behaves stereotypically) Masculine Feminine
3. Gender Identity (identify as) Man Woman
4. Sexual Orientation (gets attracted to) Woman Man

Definitely, a huge number of people do not fit into these models. We must recognize gender complexities; that its vast, explosive and non-rigid.
Before talking about transgender, we need to begin by breaking down 'gender'. Its the critical piece in the word. I will use the above to break down.

1. Sex – Its the physical, biological or anatomical sexual markers. Strongly related to genitalia.
2. Gender Role – Its the social understanding of how we are in a gendered sense in the world. Its the public, social and perceived expectations of gendered acts or expressions. Something we do or something other people see in us.
3. Gender Identity – Simply the self conception/perception of one's gender.

So back to the terms.

1. Transgender – A person who doesn't conform or identify with the gender expectations associated with the sex they were assigned at birth.
2. Transsexual - A transgender person who has changed or is in the process of changing their physical sex/characteristics by undergoing medical/hormonal treatment such as hormone replacement therapy (HRT) and/or sex reassignment surgery (SRS).
3. Transvestite – A person who sometimes wears clothes traditionally worn by and associated with the opposite sex. Confused sometimes for Drag Queens/Kings.
4. Gender queer, gender non-conforming – A person who does not identify as a man or a woman. (Eg. There was this person on a documentary who was born female but felt that they identified more as a gay man)

Others:
Trans Man or transgender man – a person who was assigned female at birth but who lives and/or identifies as a man.
Trans Woman or transgender woman – a person who was assigned male at birth but who lives and/or identifies as a woman.

Stereotypically, most transgender people consider themselves as straight. That means, if its a trans man, then he is attracted to women and considers himself as a straight man. If its a trans woman, then she is attracted to men and considers herself as a straight woman.
Most of the time, transgender people are confused for being either gay men who dress as women full time or lesbians who dress as men full time. This is not so as gender identity ans sexual orientation are two very different things. In a nutshell, trans people can be gay, straight, bisexual, asexual, pansexual...you name it. It begins with them describing themselves as whatever gender they feel best then goes to identifying what sexual orientation they fit in.
Almost all transgendered people 'suffer' from gender identity disorder (GID) or gender dysphoria. This is a psychological 'disease' that describes what these people go through. Some people in the world are beginning to push for transgender people not to be categorized as 'psychologically challenged' persons. Others, especially in places where the Transgender movement is still very young, feel that that would make it far more difficult for them to gain rights and access to medical processes.

I could go on, but indeed this (in my view) covers much of the basics. In Kenya, the Trans Movement is very young. There are few trans people out there fighting for rights but it is growing. One of the founders of the only trans organization has made tremendous leaps in fighting for hers and her fellows rights through engaging with the media (Being interviewed my media houses about being transgendered and in Kenya), being actively involved with mainstream human rights organizations such as the KHRC, writing and publishing articles in mainstream news networks such as Pambazuka News, engaging with the medical fraternity like the societies dealing with psychology in Kenya, the Kenyan medical board, the big heads in the largest Kenyan hospital, enganement with legal professionals who could assist in providing frameworks for legal aid to trans and intersex persons regarding name change in legal identification documents and much much more.
She is a person that makes me want to do more for the Kenyan community in terms of advocacy and sensitization.

I really hope that this long long post has and will continue to be of great help to all that come across it and I also hope that people learn from it.

“Vivre et Laisser Vivre”

Gender Sensitivity-by Lo(Enigmaress)

I liked this post I saw somewhere and I thought I'd share.

Gender Sensitivity

Written by Lo Nyambok

Monday, 04 August 2008

MIRIAM RIVERA- MODEL Well, about a month ago someone had written a NOTE on facebook to explain how complicated it is to try pleasing everyone when it comes to GENDER ISSUES (especially in the US/UK etc). The thing is, everyone wants to be identified based on whatever gender they are- it might not necessarily be the gender they were when they were born. Trust me, it gets so complicated to attempt to get everyone happy and stay POLITICALLY CORRECT etc etc The main talk was about what should be incorporated in documents, as in: PLEASE CIRCLE ONE GENDER THAT PERTAINS TO YOU: 1. Male 2. Female. 3. Both. 4. Mixed. 5. None etc Anyway, as a person who is in the healthcare industry, I know how tricky it gets with people who may have had a sex change or prefer to be referred to as one gender (Say a WOMAN) when physically they are percieved as the opposite gender (Say a MAN) HERE IS MY RESPONSE TO THAT NOTE: Wednesday, June 25, 2008 at 2:48pm I took this multi-cultural class last semester and I thought I knew everything about everything. Until a student explained something on TRANS-SEXUAL (NOT TRANSGENDER, there is a big difference.) TRANS- GENDER being that its what the person perceives in their mind as to whether they are MALE or FEMALE regardless of what their physical body is perceived by the rest of us (feeling like a female- when physical body is male vice versa). They then like to be referred to as THE THIRD GENDER, BI- GENDER. (I am not an expert in that field but thats how I understood the explanation- I am hoping I have that accurate.) A TRANS- SEXUAL is then a person who is TRANS- GENDER and undergoes a series of surgical changes (I think-lol!!) Known as SEX RE- ASSIGNMENT THERAPY. They are usually asked to live life as the gender they FEEL/THINK they are (Male as a woman or woman as a man for 1 year) first, then if they can handle it, thats when the surgery is done. Lord have mercy on their troubled souls, I cant even begin to imagine what they go through. (As a WOMAN- I feel like a damn raging retarded alien sometimes KEYWORD: SOMETIMES), all the changing hormonal balances- makes me UN-HUMAN sometimes- but am sure its nothing close to what a TRANS- GENDER person goes through on a daily.) I respect everyone though, there is always a collective ignorant thinking where most people instantly perceives themselves to be the RIGHTEOUS people- who understand 'what GOD wants.' So people treat other human- beings like Trans- sexuals or Trans- gender as though they are Sub- human. People use the BIBLE and GOD to condemn other people talking about about its UNNATURAL to be a Trans- person. My opinion to such blatant IGNORANCE is that- if you think youre perfect, that youre the full definition of what humans should be, that you should be accepted the way you are because youre nothing but PERFECT... then what are you doing on EARTH with us mere Mortals? You should be in HEAVEN with GOD based on that PERFECT mindset. I always believe that if a person doesn't like what they see or hear, then they are not obligated to deal with or put up with a circumstance that does not suit them. People are so quick to judge each other based on trivial excuses justifying violence and insults using the LORD'S NAME and THE BIBLE. ASK MIRIAM RIVERA who was in that reality show; THERE IS SOMETHING ABOUT MIRIAM (MIRIAM is 100% MAN & THE ONLY SURGERY SHE HAS GONE THROUGH HAPPEN TO BE THE BREAST IMPLANTS, EVERYTHING ELSE IS INTACT- ESPECIALLY THE ONE BY HER FINGER TIPS.) I didnt watch the show, but saw something about it one time on VH1- The Men were in complete shock @ the end of the show... I always stick to one main principle in my life- GOD IS LOVE- period!!!! Meaning the same GOD who took his time to create YOU (As special as you are) is actually the same GOD who also took his time to create Trans- persons, and we are all different as different can be but we are also unified by one CREATOR. Its like someone telling me that its UNNATURAL to be AFRICAN or its UNNATURAL to be A WOMAN (Wouldnt that be the most ridiculous absolute stupidity that anyone could possible ever say??? lol!) I try and imagine my reaction to that and its quite hilarious. I know that I used a super simple analogy, but its really that simple. They are who they are and choose to live their lives based on whatever suits and makes them happy, so why should I care or lose sleep over people who have nothing to do with me. Actually that was not even my POINT- my point as you can read from my 1st sentence is that I thought I knew but I didnt. This student explained to us that TRANS- GENDER/TRANS- SEXUAL people are considered STRAIGHT. (Now at this point my entire jaw hit the floor- I was too confused.) Meaning if a person perceived themselves as a FEMALE and believe it in their mind their minds that are truly FEMALE even though they have a "WRONG" body of a man- then they actually get attracted to a MALE. So if I a person feels like a woman inside then they will be attracted to MEN right?? (Even though all you will see is a MAN'S body-) So in that case it makes a person STRAIGHT, the TRANS- GENDERED person who has a male body will be attracted to your male body- because they - FEEL FEMALE. If you call then GAY then they get extremely offended!!! THIS CLASS really opened my eyes to something that I never even thought could turn out to be so complicated in a way. So as a health care provider we have to take all of the whole GENDER SENSITIVITY into consideration. Meaning, if a person walks into the hospital and my eye sight percieves a MAN but this person tells that "HE" is a "SHE" WOMAN, then how can I decide what room to admit them in? We always have females and males paired in rooms by the same sex- to provide privacy and psychological comfort. As a woman, you don't wanna be bending @ the hospital to wash you face in the morning, and imagine a dude scanning and zooming in upon your very bare behind through the open ended hospital gowns- RIGHT?? So who will you pair a patient who physically is a MALE but believes themselves to be FEMALE?? You CANNOT force them to sleep in the same room as a dude, because they will be traumatized!!! They need a FEMALE companion & FEMALE-ISH room to place their powder, perfume, make- up brush, make- up set, Toner, Cleanser, Bras, panties, thongs, nail polish, Chocolate, face massage, lipstick, wig, eye-brow tweezer etc. I still cannot figure out how Id handle that particular situation. How confusing is that? CONCLUSION; People should understand that GENDER DIFFERENCE is NOT the same as SEXUAL ORIENTATION- My other super principle in life RESPECT! RESPECT! RESPECT! I might not necessarily agree with a person's point of view, opinion, thought process- but I never DISRESPECT people for what they stand for and believe in- thats what makes LIFE- LIFE! THERE IS SOMETHING ABOUT MIRIAM PT #2 On February 27 MIRIAM WAS HOSPITALIZED with multiple broken bones and internal bleeding after she was attacked and thrown from the 4th floor window of her New York apartment. STORY ON MIRIAM'S ATTACK SERIOUSLY????- How sad are we as HUMANS?- Attacking another person & gaining nothing from it? If someone does not like something about other people-people they do not know, people who are not causing anyone any harm or affecting other people's life (Your life)-Please, just let them be- SAD, SAD STUFF. By Lo (Enigmaress)

A LOVELY POEM...

My Feminine Spirit

There is a young woman inside of me
Lost in a labyrinth within my heart
A butterfly trying to break free from her cocoon
Trying to spread her wings and fly
Longing for acceptance and love
A soul alone trapped in the dark
Many have laughed and criticized her
Others have watched in silence
As this young woman holds her head up high
With courage she absorbs the cruel remarks
On the outside you may see a man
But on the inside she is a lady; a princess
Beautiful and sweet though she may be
Many tears have fallen from her eyes
But still she chooses to hold on
Knowing she will be real one day
As for her truelove
Her Knight in shining armor
He is out there; somewhere
Waiting for her to find her way
Like a bud blossoming into a rose
She blossomed from a man into a woman
This feminine spirit I have inside
A shadow of shame falls onto to her face
As she makes her way through the maze
She prays, prays to Him
In hopes that He will hear her
Forgive me father
All is forgiven
Becoming a Martyr for all to see
Fighting to survive and living to be
For no man or woman
Shall defeat the feminine spirit inside of me

BLAST FROM THE PAST

As I said in a previous blog, I will share with you some of the blasts that I unearthed from my archives.

Here is a letter I had written to God in desperation. I had many of these, I just happened to come across this one. If my prayers were documented, I'm sure they'd fill up a whole library!! Wish I'd remember the day I wrote it though!

Dear God,

Thank you for being there for me. I am in a deep rut and I am afraid I cannot get out. It seems the devil has gotten the better of me. Now I'm too afraid to even face you. I am begging you Lord to purge my spirit. Touch me once more. Touch my mind and remove all these crazy ideologies I may have developed. Please Lord, I'm languishing in torment and the torture is unbearable.

I don't know myself, only God knows me. Only He can do with me what he wants but I have to submit, I cannot be His if I don't change.
Its upto me to become the change I want to see.
Am I truly female? Is there anything such as transgender or gay? Personally I do not understand gayness but the situation I am in really puts me in a total fix!

This question I hate asking; WHY?
Why wasnt I born okay like the rest of the guys?
Why did I become such?
Why is it that my feeling go 'wayside'?
Why oh why?
Is it my fault? Am I to blame?
Did I bring this on myself??

The letter ends there. Its interesting but you tend to see where I was coming from.

I don't want to write much today. Nowadays I seem to read a lot and forget to write about what I'm reading and stuff like that. There are so many issues to deal with, to write about and sometimes, I think that one can never really read everything. So I just tell myself, one day at a time.

Hope to have more juicy stories to write about!

CHOICE OR REALITY?

I came to the office today and saw an email from a relative who isn't too accepting of what I am doing. In her words, “I don't agree with what you're about to do to yourself and I keep praying that something happens to stop you. I wish you could wait until you're older. I can understand that a person can feel more inclined to the opposite gender than their own and thats why we hear girls being called tomboys coz they behave like boys or boys being called sissies coz they behave like gals. what I cant understand is going to the extreme of actually changing your body by taking drugs through out your life and even doing surgery to change your organs - organs which have already been created and formed perfectly and are not deformed in any way.”

So I felt inclined to reply and pour my heart out. Eventually I thought it would be nice to share this with you. My thoughts:-

Its not gonna be smooth sailing.

Here was the reply.

Hey.

I have said this before and i will say it again since i totally understand how or why it is very hard for you to understand, let alone accept who i am. You have no idea how tormenting this issue has been on me all my life however short its been. No one ever wants to be unhappy or feel tormented or sad or confused or depressed or stressed or have ulcers as a result of such. I never chose this for myself. I have prayed feverently that i go one way. I have stressed myself when i was younger trying to fit into this masculinity that i supposedly belonged to. I even had my Christian friends pray for me, 'kuniwekelea mikono'(laying hands on me) and stuff like that. I have been suffering in silence and the only thing that kept me going was my faith in God. He is the only reason i kept on living. Believe it or not, I have considered suicide several times in my life. I still wish this wasnt happening and that i was just a normal young handsome man who would one day marry a beautiful girl and live a normal life. Its not the case. Its not my fault. I cannot blame God. I cannot say its Satan. Actually I don't know. Maybe it is. I don't know. All I know right now is that, even if currently i look like those tomboys coz I'm a girl, I'm happy. I now live as Linsay. A girl. One that has always existed since January 2nd 1988 usiku. She never knew what was going on. She never knew why it was happening. Why she loved dressing up in her moms clothes yet everyone told her 'stop doing that! you are a boy!'. She was so confused when it was so easy doing girl stuff like playing 'kalongo' and 'kati' and 'bladder' and 'hapo' and playing with dolls, yet when it came to interacting with 'fellow boys', it was difficult; an uphill task. She would get so worried and confused and have mixed feelings when she would get nick names such as 'kasuppuu' in primary and when boys her age would treat her differently from her 'fellow boy-mates'. She kept wondering why it was so easy relating with girls than it was relating with boys in that primary school. She got even more confused when puberty hit and all her feelings were feminine. Her gait, mannerisms and even thought process. She wondered why she couldn't be like her 'fellow boy-mates'. It was hard for her. To make matters more confusing, since puberty was also there for her friends, the ones in the same dorm as she would like to tease her, telling her how pretty she was and some even went to the extent of touching her in 'suggestive' ways. She stressed over why boys did that to her asking herself 'si we are all boys?'. Her stressed shot up even more when one boy blackmailed her into having 'relations' with her because she lost something of his. This was emotional rape. It was horrendous. Doing something unwillingly. She wondered, 'aren't there girls in this school that he could go for? why me?'. Thats a question that would repeat itself in her mind all through her young life "Why Me??". Her spiritual life fell apart. The confusion grew rapidly. Her stress levels skyrocketed. She was diagnosed with stress induced ulcers. She contemplated suicide. It wasnt easy. She couldn't do it. She still believed there was a reason why she was going through what she was. She sought for answers in the Internet. She saw 'gay' and thought, 'no this isn't me. I'm not a man, but then this body...'. She saw transsexual/transgender. Then had the 'aha!' moment....

I could go on, but i hope you get my drift. It was not a choice I made to be who I am, it was the choice to embrace my reality and be happy that i made. I seriously do wish it was different; 'in tandem with the norm'. Its not. Someone described this as "Having the brain of a girl and the body parts of a boy". Thats me. Crazy, yes. Delinquent? Maybe. Human? Yes. Very. I am happy. Happier than i have ever felt in my entire life. I now see my future happening. I now see myself fulfilling properly all the dreams i have and had. I now can be myself and not worry about whether I am 'convincing enough'.

In any case, I thank you for being there for me, when you were there and even now when you cant stand what I'm doing.

May God Bless you and help you understand, somehow.



Yours,

Lindsay.

A DAILY STRUGGLE

During the time I have been in this new job, I have had the opportunity to do lots and lots of reading and research on these trans issues and all the hullabaloo about transgender, transsexuals and transvestite persons. Indeed there is much more to read about and learn but most of the information (got mainly from the Internet) is the same and is true.

When I sat down and decided to write something to put into the blog, I couldn't help but think about all I had read about the struggles, pains, joys, sorrows, fights, love, hate, acceptance, rejection, and all that the transgender/ transsexual people have gone through in being who they really are. I draw a lot of my thoughts from the community here in Kenya and specifically from one activist who had dedicated practically her whole life including experiences to educating the general public (here in reference, the Kenyan public) about the transgender community in Kenya, about what they go through, their issues with the law in relation to registration, medical issues such as the lack of policies and so forth.

Im sure most of you who know me, maybe in person or just by guesswork know exactly who I am talking about and for those who don't, its easy to know since if you Google her name or just the words 'Kenya' and 'transgender' together, most of the articles are by her. She is eloquent, intelligent, can be difficult and downright annoying because she may come across as insensitive or arrogant but if you filter that out you are able to know where she is coming from. I like her articles, mostly because it gives the trans community in Kenya a voice and a chance for the willing-to-learn public to know and understand what it is we fight for daily.

In Kenya its very difficult to survive as a trans woman. Maybe its so even for other places in the world. I read somewhere that its easier for a FTM to transition than it is for a MTF. Why? Because basically the foetus in the womb when developing, is firstly female cum androgynous then if its a male, it graduates into its masculine state while if its female it just develops into the female from where it was initially. I have just put this in a very simple way and I am sure there are tons of mistakes and miss-outs. But I hope you get the point.

First of all, there are absolutely no laws that govern such incidences or persons. So we are neither supported by law, nor are we against it. It simply doesn't exist! As the activist I spoke about earlier says in one of her articles, it is important that we try and have some laws put in place to help out our tribulations. One such issue is the one of birth certificates and identity cards. Because most transgender persons grow in their birth gender upto adult age, they end up getting ID cards that indicate the name and gender that they are so against to but have no other choice but to accept. Secondly, even when such persons have discovered that they are indeed transgendered, there are no medical policies and/or guidelines that assist in the correct measures to be undertaken in such a case. For example, many medical practitioners in Kenya do not believe that trans people exist and hence, when encountered with such a case, shun it away saying there is no such thing, “these things only happen in the west”.

I have written a lot on what is going on and I totally forgot to mention what I am experiencing myself since this blog is supposed to be based on what is happening to me. But it would be very selfish of me to write all the time about myself when I am surrounded by bigger things than I can imagine.

As my friend told me once, “These things are bigger than you are. Its not always about you you you.”.
May have sounded harsh but its true. The picture is indeed big. My only hope is that the role I play, however small it may seem, will one day be seen as useful and eventually helpful.

We all have struggles. We just handle them in different ways.

KEEP YOUR HEAD UP!!!

Its approximately one month since I started Transitioning and my new job. I have lots of stuff to be thankful for. First of all, its been a month and I am coping well. I am learning to ignore the stares and to keep my head up. I am learning to be myself and not to worry too much. Somehow, the first few weeks were stressful. I kept shivering whenever I had to walk in town and probably interact with people. Somehow, slowly all this fear is shedding off slowly. I am learning to tell myself that we are all unique, weird and self conscious. We fear what we don't understand, most people do actually, and thus, let go of the fear as you embrace understanding.
My hair is growing slowly, I am planning to make it look better, somewhat weirder! But thats me. I want to see how I look and I pretty much don't care what people think about it.
I still am slightly worried about where I live since I haven't moved out of the place and so most people there knew me or have seen me before in say suits and ties! So I think its quite weird for them. (see, I don't want to be just about me me me, but also those around me.).
Work is going on well, we just finished a huge project that involved meeting people from the LGBTI community in East and South Africa together with their Donors. It was a real learning experience and I got to meet other transgender persons, most of them being FTM's. It was very informative and I wouldn't have missed it for the world.
I went out for a Bash, basically involving the Q-Community!! It was a blast! I strutted out in my best outfit (The only one I had! Lol!) and made sure I had the most fun ever. It was my first time out in the public in such 'body-hugging' clothes and I looked hot! (and that's not my comments!). It was also the first time out in public wearing high heels(very high indeed) and make-up! My feet still hurt! Lol! Ultimately, enjoyed myself. One incident that happened was that, since it was full of the queer group and most Kenyans don't know well that Trans girls exist, most people at the party thought I was a Lesbian! (forgive me for tutting my own horn!!). Plus there was this guy who claimed to be bisexual who followed me all over and I couldn't help but think of the way regular girls would get thoroughly hit on by guys in clubs! I was one of them! Finally! That night, I felt things I had never felt before! Things that only existed in my head, my dreams, fantasies. I saw things happen to me, as I do them, that I only saw happening to other girls when I used to go out. I felt on top of the world. The Christian in me kept reminding me to be careful so I was, but I ensured that I enjoyed myself to the max!!!

Somehow, I just narrated my two weeks of existence since the last blog post and well, a lot of other stuff happened but that was, and must have been the most exhilarating week I had ever had!!

I cant wait for another opportunity like that one; but then again, its no longer in the closet! Its all out there. I didn't have a wig, I was myself, completely! Fine, there is still a lot of work to be done on me, but surely I must be thankful! I must give credit where it is due. This luscious body was created by God. And honestly, I AM THANKFUL!!!!!!!

Be Yourselves Y'all!!

Ciao. Mwah!

ORIGINS...

I think of my mother and I suddenly feel a gush of mixed emotions. When I think of my mother, words fail me to describe what I feel at the opportune time. It is really hard for me and probably you reading this bit would immediately assume the worst. When I say that its hard, its because she is EXTREMELY WONDERFULL!!! Even these words cannot remotely express how I feel about her!! She is my mother, a pearl from heaven, a haven of understanding, a …... I'm at loss of the right words! Fine, I'm babbling and loosing my cool!

The biggest scare for me when I realized who I really was and what was going on with me was that my mom would reject me. I'm an only child and don't have a father. So basically my mom was my whole family and the thought of me losing her at the time I really needed her most was dauntingly terrifying! I mastered up the courage to open up to my mom and her sisters but I couldn't face her directly. So I wrote her a two page letter pouring my heart out to her , explaining exactly what was going on with me. I left the letter for her to read one evening when I went to my grandparents so that she could have ample time to read, reflect, internalize and accept (if possible).

That week she called me and told me that she had read the letter and her response was that SHE WILL TAKE ME AS I AM!!! I was extremely happy, excited, thankful, relieved...all at once! The mixed feelings I had were overwhelming and I thanked God for such an amazing mother.


THIS NEW ME...
(This just happened..)
My new job entails meeting people, going out and having discussions, that kind of stuff. Today in particular, I was aware that I was to meet up with some people we were dealing with at the office but at a hotel in town. Now, since we were going for a lunch meeting, it lasted longer than expected and so it reached a point where I had to use the bathroom/loo. I kind of had forgotten that my physical appearance still wasnt that feminine so when I asked a guard to direct me to the ladies he grew pale and gave me a confused look. I didnt get why he looked at me that way and maybe it was because so far most people that I had interacted with were very accepting and understanding so that idea somehow was instilled in me. This guard was an old looking fellow and thus, me, looking the way I did and asking for the ladies, blew him away. I just left him since someone else showed me where they were and went in the ladies. When I came out I found him waiting for me with a look that showed he meant bad business! I immediately got terrified and my heart raced four times as fast! He started questioning me in swahili asking me 'are you a lady? Why are you asking for the ladies and youre a guy? Why did you enter the ladies? Are you a lady?' I tried explaining myself telling him that I was a transgender but then it hit me, this guy, probably at his age and being a guard, may not even have the slightest clue as to what that was. This confrontation went on for like three minutes, me trying to insist that I'm a girl only differently looking and also trying to put across the fact that he wasnt in a position to question my gender but then, since probably his level of understanding didnt allow it, he just couldn't get why a dude would ennter the ladies! Thankfully, a staff member came by and helped me out telling the 'askari' that it wasnt in his place to question my gender.

That incident gave me shivers that are still running through my body even now as I post this! This was the exact kind of reactions that I really am trying to avoid. I keep telling myself that I can do it, I am beautiful and people can see that. My biggest set back is my beard and probably the apple. I am trying my best to get atleast some of it off and invisible but clearly, thats gonna be a mountain to climb. A hurdle that I have to pass, a trial that must be fulfilled. I really want to do this but my environment is semi-hostile. I'm hoping Nairobians are don't care and wont bother me, but I want to be realistic enough to accept the fact that this process isnt gonna be smooth sailing, and that I shall indeed come across such characters that will mess up my confidence and make me feel like nothingness. Its a reality that I have to embrace and I pray to God that, as He has protected me time and again, including today, He shall continue to guide and protect me from all harm and evil. Amen.

Thanks for all your support and prayers. May God truly bless you all!

A NEW BEGINNING!!

Hey guys. In case you haven't noticed, its been a while since I last made a post. Actually its almost a month isn't it? Anyway, I really have missed you peeps and really do hope that y'all have been okay. I just realised recently that I can actually type really fast and without looking at the keyboard. I guess its your average case of 'practice makes perfect. The only problem is that I still haven't learnt how to use all my fingers for typing so I tend to get tired easily and faster.

Okay. Let me not bore you with small stuff!! Its now official! Lindsay has finally come out as herself!! Hip hip, HORRAY!!! I sure hope y'all are happy for me! And its all thanks to the job I got as an assistant at an NGO that accepts my kind!!!! What happened is that I applied and they wanted someone from the LGBTI community and they called me, gave me an interview and finally called back to tell me that I was successful and voila! I'm at the new job! Now the tricky part is that I applied as myself, as in my female self and not as the 'fake' male that people knew. So I knew I had to act fast! That weekend was weird! First of all I had to do the handing over at my old place. They kept asking where the hell I was going but I definitely could not tell them exactly where I was going and especially not that I was now going there as the real me! None of them knew what went about me and I never wanted them to know. So after the handing over and the sorry goodbyes the weekend came and then I remembered, CLOTHES!! I DONT HAVE ANY CLOTHES!! As in I don't have many female clothes! All this time I kept telling myself that I'm ready to come out but I guess I forgot that the first day is very important! Anywho, that weekend I went out and bought a few clothes that I felt were not too feminine but would still show that I was a girl. It was exciting to finally buy girl clothes! I had dreamt of it and even though the first day wasn't as I had pictured it, I'm pretty sure my day will come! Since I didnt have enough cash, I only got a few stuff. I also approached my cousins for assistance but then again, female bodies are different and thus the clothing dilemma!

Monday came and I for the first time ever, I came out of my house as ME! It was the scariest feeling I had ever had! First of all, I was scared of my neighborhood. I knew I wasn't that known by people, but seeing that I had really stayed there for a while, people around must have known my face from here and there. Again, I was afraid of being seen by my building neighbors. They knew me better, probably not by name or anything, but just by knowing that it was I who lived in that house! Thirdly I was afraid of the worst; being discovered and worse still, being embarassed in any way in town. See, I still havent done much with regards to my appearance so basically I still have beard growth marks (I always shave), slightly broadened shoulders, an adams apple (I really hate that thing, but,....) among other things. And again, by that time, I still hadnt pierced my ears so from looking at me, one could tell that there was definitely something going on there! Remember I had mentioned earlier that I always get weird looks from people, wondering whether I was male or female? Now you can imagine how these looks grew more intense, especially when they see a protruding chest (I put on some 'boobs') together with a neck-poking apple and beard marks! I was extremely terrified at what people would do to me.

Somehow, Monday passed on well. In the evening I had my ears pierced, and thankfully I hadnt shaved off my hair so whatever bit I had, I made it up and it looks good enough. Because I'm starting off, I shan't beat myself down. All I'm praying is that I will continue on courageously and fight for my happiness, because to be truly honest, I have never ever felt this happy in my entire life!! The things I used to do in the house, where no one would see me, now I can do them in public, go to work where everyone embraces me for who I am, however weird-looking I might seem to them, going about my things as myself.....it was all but a dream that is now slowly taking shape into reality.

Honestly today I can go on and on and on about the mixed feelings I'm having but I don't want to pour out everything just yet. As it said in my 'about me', I am about to begin hormones. Now I'm editing that part and I'm putting 'I have just began my hormone therapy'! I am experiencing mixed feelings. At one point I'm extremely excited! Then again on the other side I am extremely scared. I am banking on my God given courage and strength that I shall be successful I this thing I'm pursuing. I am happy to know that I have a good number of supporters and it also gives me more greater pleasure to know that where I work they embrace my true self and let me be who I am. The job wont last forever but at least for the time it will be around, I shall utilize it to the fullest.

I will try and dedicate time towards updating this blog frequently because I really want to let people see a true transgender/transsexual's life how it unfolds; from before, during and after hormonal effects and other stuff that might crop up. I also ask my dear ardent readers to please put me in your daily prayers as I pursue this dream of mine and hope that all will be well in this Nairobi for me!

Ciao Amigos! Love ya all!!

DREAMS FROM MY HEART

Hi y’all. Hope you missed me!
I felt that I needed to offload some of the stuff that has been going on in my mind lately. I've got so much to share yet I don’t want it to be like I'm telling the whole world my ‘nakedness’. (I hope you get me).
It’s Friday and I’m at the peak of my scratching! Aargh! The facial hair! I shave every weekends and of course, by Friday, all that is grown and all itchy. Everytime I look at the mirror and see that hair, it breaks my heart. Everytime I look at my facebook profile photo of Isis, I get so emotional and wonder to myself about when all this is going to end. I wonder how I'm gonna begin this really excruciatingly harrowing and difficult journey that I'm beginning! Can anyone feel my pain? I know, I know, people sometimes don’t like listening to other people’s problems. But it is my assumption and hope that by sharing what I'm going through, people can somehow understand exactly what goes on inside a Transgender’s mind or life, before and after. I also hope that when I say ‘after’ it means that I shall be able to continue updating my blog even after I have started doing all that stuff I dream an long for so much.
I have been listening to Tyra’s interview of Isis King, a transgender model who contested in Tyra’s America’s Next Top Model. She is such an inspiration to me. Both of them are. She speaks about her life so easily and frankly and I see a lot of me in her. Because she has gone through much of what I have and I feel she is just like me. Americans have it easier that us Africans, or Kenyans for that matter. I sometimes just wish I would get a visa or green card to the US and I can finally pursue my dreams and aspirations with ease. It would make me the happiest girl in the world.
I dream of so many things. I take myself to be a very intelligent young girl. I have so many ideas in my mind. There are numerous things I want to achieve in life. I have told several of my friends that I made a pact with God that He would not take me before atleast achieving these aspirations and dreams. I know there are people who may thing I'm nuts or something, but believe me, I dreamt it and I desperately wanna achieve it. Again, its mostly to do with helping others and I believe this would come in handy to the rest of the world. In a nutshell, I believe the world needs me!
I dream of one day waking up, dressing for work and not hating it, going to do something I love doing, people appreciating and respecting me for who I am, being able to help the less fortunate in the society, and basically just being the me God intended me to be.

My dreams will come true. I will do everything necessary to achieve this. Amen.

Lindsay, Who?

This is weird (for me at least!), Im finding it hard to believe that I haven’t posted anything for the last, what, ten days? Well I said earlier that it will get some getting used to.

I hide my true identity for one reason only. SECURITY! I wanna survive! I hate it that I have to hide it but hen again…I have too many dreams that I need to protect. I don’t want someone out there trying to make my life miserable!
It’s crazy and unacceptable what some Kenyans can do to you just because you appear different to them! I mean! It’s a sham, is just plain evil! I just wish the world was a better place, but again, who am I kidding? Are we really that doomed?

Is the world ever going to get better? Ever?

MORE OF THE YESTER

I felt like going home early today. Yesterday I left at around 9pm (yes, I know!). But then I felt I should at least finish what I started. I wouldn’t want to sound all boring but have to tell you, this writing thing is new to me, albeit the fact that I write nearly everyday!
It never occurred to me that I was a Transgender. In fact, that word, I came to know about it like 4 or 5 years ago, when I was in high school. At least I knew it was a disorder. It wasn’t easy (I don’t know how many times that’s gonna appear in this blog) and everyone knows that by now. I would see girls my age flirting with guys and it would make me sick to my stomach. Some chic somewhere would hit on me and I would squirm as if a spider fell on me! But that was just the bag side of it. Somehow, there existed some nice, laughable and memorable musings in the time.
We were young. We were entering that age; that age where the older folk call ‘raging hormones’. Yes, that one. Funny enough, I somehow garnered some admirers! Weird? No. I came to later understand it all. I simply explained it as ‘opposites attract’. How else would you put it? Besides, (no offence) I ain't gay!
Guys approached me. Told me all sweet nothings. Felt nice, felt weird, felt confusing; all the while trying to figure my life out. To some, I said no. I didn’t feel the same. To some, ofcourse, I couldn’t resist. They wooed me. Just the same as they would woo others when we went for ‘school outings’.
I don’t know how some of you can describe it. For me, once I came to understand me, it would all be clear as crystal. I was a girl. Period. Of course discerning that wouldn’t be easy but it had to be done. I had to understand me if I wanted to live a ‘normal’ life. If I wanted to survive.
Sometimes I feel like I'm not supposed to write about me all the time, sometimes I tell myself, ‘why don’t you ask others what they go through and have it written here?’ but then again…naaah! Maybe someday I will.
Sometimes it feels nice to wander off sometimes and wallow in the masma of wordings! (I also didn’t get that!!)

My boss just dissed me. Aargh! Chat later.

Ciao!

IT’S A GIRL’S WORLD

Well it’s a new week and I just realized that i said I will give more the next day. Well I got caught up in some work plus I woke up really late. (I was watching ‘The Girl Next Door’, a really nice movie).
On Saturday I went to visit my cousin who is in Fourth Form. She is so nice, but she has become so spoilt, I wonder how things will be when she gets out of high school!
Ok. So it was a lovely experience since we were cousins only visiting her plus her sister (who by the way is a good friend of mine and understands me) so it was kinda cool. However, she was already having a blast since she was visited by a group of guys who came in a sleek Mitsubishi (floss mode!) so she was already all over.
I kept thinking to myself about how I missed our on such experiences like high school in a girl school. It was somehow painful for me when I was in high school back in the day. I could see girls coming to our school from our so called sister school and it would break my heart. I remember being teased severally that I must have taken the wrong road and I was meant to go to ‘Ishai’ (that’s the nick name they gave the sister school). I remember how I wished that was true. It was so confusing being there.
Anyway, I still have more to share so I hope we will catch up on this tomorrow.

Ciao!

WEEKEND BLUES!

Today is Friday and thus the weekend begins. When it comes to weekends I get clueless because I have no idea what to do. (by the way, I just remembered that blogs are public! oops!!) so what do I do?
I hear people say they are going out and I smile and say, ‘good for you’. As for me, I don’t get to do that because I'm somehow antisocial. I don’t get it myself. I tend to be very introverted when I'm around people, especially if they don’t know me. Its because, the way I am right now, I cannot be myself completely without sparking some attention. Okay, I don’t mind being noticed as somewhat queer, but sometimes I sit back and tell myself how much I would have enjoyed if only I had been fully myself. It would have been so easy. Dress in stilettos, a really cute pink or yellow flowwy dress, clutch bag and gorgeous hair and makeup..a perfect evening for me. Oh how I have dreamt of that day..how I have yearned for the day I get to do all those things!
Of late I have been chatting with one of my facebook friends who claims to be in love with me. He tells me all those sweet nothings and to be honest, I have shed a tear or two whenever I read those darling words. He has wooed me for so long, sometimes I feel sad for not accepting him. But I have kept my distance because I have a guy..sadly, this guy has a habit of only reaching me after every two to three months. I really don’t know where we are headed. And its sad because I feel that I am in love with him(something I have never admitted, ever!) and I don’t know where he stands. Someone may tell me, why don’t you call him and ask whats up? Its not that simple. He doesn't have a phone, or so I think. Sometimes I think he is trying to push me away. I have told him so several times, now my heart cant take it anymore. I feel that I should just let go and start afresh. Its hard, I don’t want to lose him. We've been together for the last almost 5 years!

Aw! Enough already! There will be more tomorrow!! :-)

COMING OUT TO MY MOTHER… AND OTHER STUFF!

The day I came out to my mom that I was a Transgender, I did it in the most simplest way I could thing of. As a matter of fact I was not able to go to her directly and speak to her. I didn’t have the guts at all! As a matter of fact, I was so scared to a point where I thought she would reject me!! So I only did the most rational thing I could think of. I wrote her a letter. It was a three page foolscap with so many words trying to describe what the hell was going on in my mind at that time but I am so grateful I did it. You know, by the way, for people like me, its never easy revealing some potentially dreadful facts to the people you love and especially to the one who bore you in her womb! You can imagine what was going on in my head. I remember I slept at around two am in the morning as I waited for her to go to sleep, the night before I went back to school. At that time, I still didn’t identify as a ‘transgender’, a term that was still new to me, but I knew I suffered from a condition known as gender identity disorder or GID as may be known by others. So I based my explanations on this.
I went on about how I've always felt like I was born in a different body, how I never fitted in in high school, about how I used to be called ‘kasupuu’ in primary school, so many little anecdotes filled that foolscap because I felt I had to tell it all. Further more, it was just around the time I was clearing my O-levels and I was kind of stressed about it all including the fact that it was my last year in high school. I had so much in my mind (I still do!!) and I just had to let it go somehow.
So I told her. To my surprise, she took it so well! In fact, after I finished, she was so supportive that I could not believe it myself!! I mean! For her to just take it so easily like that, I was flabbergasted.
Today, she always sends me anything she finds about the issue and also she alerts me whenever Tyra brings something about it on her show. Also,(and this is the best part!!) she promised to support me financially once I clear my studies this year!!
I am so waiting for next year with beated breath!! Its gonna be the year of change for me!! I am so excited, I cant wait! All these years I have waited for the day that I will walk in town and in public wearing a silky strapped dress and stilettos! You have no idea how much I have dreamt of that day. Sometimes I think to myself and say, I really don’t care who will judge me, as long as I am myself and im doing fine! This is about my life and I'm not taking any chances!! Would you?
The other day I was browsing through the internet and I stumbled onto this chic who is totally now my hero! Her name? ISIS!! She is the first Transgender Top Model on the ANTM show cycle 11. I mean! She must be the epitome of all of us who strive to have a life she has began living and more! She is now a model, besides the fact that she was born a boy! I'm so excited about her!
Enough words for today..see you all soon!
Thanks for hearing me out! Hope to hear from you soon!

God, Thank you so much!

Be hopeful this week!

“THOUGHTS THAT CROSS HER MIND” – A Third Person View

She wakes up every morning and puts on the usual; shirt and trouser. Surprised? Don’t be. That’s how its been all through her young life; living as someone else. Its frustrating, she says. Ever imagine if it was you? Ever imagine if you would be forced to put on other clothes other than those you are used to, or better yet, those you just know you are supposed to wear? I guess when you look at that question you go, “Hmm, I wonder how that might be?” Yeah! It really is mind boggling! She looks at the mirror as she prepares herself for work. Inside her head she tells herself, “better not look too much like a girl now, you don’t want trouble now, do you?”
Weekend comes by. Yippie, she gets excited. Its time for her to flaunt some of her goodness around. But wait! That’s gonna be hard don’t you think? Yeah! I mean, she is flat chested isn’t she? So? Oh! Right. We just have to work with this for now. After preparation, im amazed at how stunning she looks! What? No mascara, no makeup, no nothing! Its her, just the way she is, all natural beauty!
Passing through the busy streets of Nairobi, its easy to notice the weird and confused stares that come her way. Maybe some say to themselves, ‘why is that guy dressed like that’ or ‘haiya! Is that a guy or a girl?’ very much confusing right? Must be making her all uncomfortable now I guess. But she says its been like that ever since high school, and primary school; this isn’t the first time.
All she wants is for the stares to be something else. Yes, she doesn’t mind the stares. She wants them to say, ‘oh how beautiful’ or ‘wow! That’s one gorgeous girl’. Nothing much. She only wants to be a normal Nairobi girl!

We pray that Hope and Faith never dies away. Dreams will be fulfilled. Amen.