Friday, July 12, 2013

Thoughts Today

I'm thinking. And I've been thinking. As usual. Mostly about my dysphoria - my discomfort with the look of my genitals and how that constantly shapes how I think, how I interact with people (esp in public), and so forth.

To be honest, a lot of it has to do with relationships and relating. Yes, I have met many guys (and girls) who have absolutely no issue with my large clit, but I just can't shake away the thought (and maybe you could say reality) that it is a penis. I can create words for it, and say that it is a clit, since it resides on my body - a female body, but it looks like a penis. Thus, it is one. I lived as male for 22 years. I can't run away from that. I don't look male at all - or so people tell me. But I still see shreds of masculinity in my body. Like the tiny bump on my neck, the remnants of "5 O'clock shadow", the large clit ... the lack of a pussy. All these. They somewhat define how I live life.
I like how this gorgeous transwoman puts it in this (not so well interviewed) interview. Amiyah Scott.
She so pretty!

Pretty Ogre ....

I'm also thinking about how quickly I become undesirable once I reveal the reality of 'what's down there' and my past life. So quickly. It's like a switch.

I meet this guy, we talk, we flirt, we like stuff about each other, he really finds me interesting and intriguing. Until he finds out I have a past life as male. All that is interesting about me suddenly becomes moot. Disappears. Gone. I suddenly am reduced to "that girl has no vagina?" person. Nothing more. Maybe even less/worse.

Now I just want to stop telling them altogether. I may as well remain on my own.

Maybe I feel that time is passing away and the gender affirming surgery seems so far away ... maybe I am craving a little more.
Patience. That's what I'm telling myself. Patience. And focus.
It shall come.

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