BLAST FROM THE PAST

As I said in a previous blog, I will share with you some of the blasts that I unearthed from my archives.

Here is a letter I had written to God in desperation. I had many of these, I just happened to come across this one. If my prayers were documented, I'm sure they'd fill up a whole library!! Wish I'd remember the day I wrote it though!

Dear God,

Thank you for being there for me. I am in a deep rut and I am afraid I cannot get out. It seems the devil has gotten the better of me. Now I'm too afraid to even face you. I am begging you Lord to purge my spirit. Touch me once more. Touch my mind and remove all these crazy ideologies I may have developed. Please Lord, I'm languishing in torment and the torture is unbearable.

I don't know myself, only God knows me. Only He can do with me what he wants but I have to submit, I cannot be His if I don't change.
Its upto me to become the change I want to see.
Am I truly female? Is there anything such as transgender or gay? Personally I do not understand gayness but the situation I am in really puts me in a total fix!

This question I hate asking; WHY?
Why wasnt I born okay like the rest of the guys?
Why did I become such?
Why is it that my feeling go 'wayside'?
Why oh why?
Is it my fault? Am I to blame?
Did I bring this on myself??

The letter ends there. Its interesting but you tend to see where I was coming from.

I don't want to write much today. Nowadays I seem to read a lot and forget to write about what I'm reading and stuff like that. There are so many issues to deal with, to write about and sometimes, I think that one can never really read everything. So I just tell myself, one day at a time.

Hope to have more juicy stories to write about!

THEM DAYS...

I was rummaging through my old stuff and I came across a journal I wrote when I was having one of 'them days'. I had lots of those. And one way that helped me get through them was through writing down my thoughts, feelings and emotions. Kinda like what I'm doing here. So here it is.

This day was difficult. Something happened and suddenly my peace of mind went blah! I just don't know whats wrong with me. I'm so moody!!! Just now, I smsed my drama director that I will be quitting drama! Just imagine! He has just replied telling me to persevere for a while but I'm telling you the way I feel isn't normal! I don't know whats wrong. I just feel so bad. Everytime I try to be happy I am reminded of my reality; that for me to be true to myself and be happy I have to be myself, and thats not possible right now. Its so saddening. Its so sickening. Makes me feel like cursing the day I was born and altogether giving up on life! Aargh!! I'm saddened sometimes to think that maybe this is what I put on myself. I let this happen to me. Ive always felt pretty and beautiful and today its not like that. Today I'm sad. I'm down. I'm deeply confused, heartbroken, angry, all those mixed feelings! Nowadays I feel like I've lost my glow, the one I had back in high school when I was being hit on my guys knowing perfectly well that it was a boy school! I feel like the manly look is improving by the day. I'm no longer noticeable and even that photo I took of myself looks weird now! Huh! I keep telling myself everyday that I am beautiful both inside and out. I guess it will wade off. These feelings shall go and I will continue with life. But how will it be? I know too well what I am capable of. But I cannot achieve much because I keep holding back. I keep looking over the shoulder. Trying so hard to hide my true self. Trying so hard not to be affected by what people say about me when they see me doing something 'awkward'. I keep reminding myself of my acting skills. I can act like a boy. It will be okay. Even if I'm not one, I can act like one. Maybe it will sink in. The manliness. The masculinity that I so lack. Maybe I will find a way to live this way. Maybe, just maybe. Despite the saying about wishes, I only wish I was on one side. Male or female. Like I would wake up one day and it will be well. That my faith in God somehow makes it happen or someone somewhere gets a sort of vision and makes a prayer and voila! I'm free!! I wish... oh I wish!

It ended that way. Most of it is edited. Some things I couldn't put here. But its what I felt then. About four years ago, when I had just cleared from high school.

MYSTERIES OF THE PAST

When I sat down at my computer to write today’s post, I thought to myself, ‘its been long since I shared my past with these lovely people’. So here goes. Hope you like it.

It was in the mid 90’s and I was still in primary school. I had just recently joined a boarding school and it was tough work! I was really young and really small. But at least I wasn’t that shy. Days went by and people got to know each other. I gained a nickname ‘kasupuu’ due to my looking soo much like a girl. I couldn’t help it! (even now it ain't easy, even despite my having some hair on my face!). it wasn’t easy. But I braved through. I fought hard to keep my head up. And my being a hardliner, I also toyed with the situation and got the best out of it.
Time had passed and I had grown older. I had began this process better known as ‘adolescence’, so I started liking guys. It felt weird and nice all at once. I never understood what the h**l was going on! It was so freaking confusing! But I wavered on; pushing on, trying to make sure I keep to myself. It wasn’t easy. I found myself flirting with both gyus and girls! I played with the girls-hop step and jump, kati, bladder, jump rope, you name it! I also went to boy games like foot ball and cheered them on, all the while liking what I see! (oops!!). it was somewhat possible, yet difficult. People bashed me for apparently ‘behaving like a girl’ I tried to ‘remove’ these behaviours but nothing! People laughed at me. I felt stupid; trying to change something that was knitted in me; entrenched in my genes. It was just impossible(so it felt)!
In some words, it was a harrowing experience(I've always wanted to use that word!)! I am so glad and thankful(to God) that I was able to get out of that.

Ofcourse there is more. There is a lot more. I wish sometimes there was a way of encoding the gazillion million thoughts that race, nay zoom through my wild open mind!! But that’s a story for another day.

Do have a lovely time, wont you?!

It makes me sick, what people can do out of ignorance. Someone once said that “Ignorance makes the heart fear.” Lest try and understand each other, try being the operative word.