Isn't It Amazing?

Today when I woke up in the morning I was feeling rather perky about the day. Its Monday and lots have happened. But thats not why I decided to post this.

I am amazed. I really am. The way things are going now in my life, I simply cannot not be amazed. Life is good. Really. There is no reason for me to complain. Sure, I am a trans and there are troubles that comes with it but, on a more general term, life is quite nice.

I went out on Friday night just after work. Its something I don't do. I went out to meet a friend. Pater Nostra. He was a a bar and had just also come from work. He's such a gentleman. Bought me a drink. I had a good time. I never thought I could do that. I was always the kind to quickly say “pass” when invited to go out just because I didn't like how confused I'd get around people and how sad I felt. Now, thats a different case. I am more confident of myself, more myself than ever before, I feel rejuvenated, like a butterfly out of a cocoon, spreading its wings for the first time... I'm sure some of y'all get me, no?

There is this feeling I craved before. A feeling of belonging. Its that connection you feel within and without. I had always wanted people to see what I saw. I had always felt like I wasn't there. Like I was invisible. Like I was not worth anything. Funny, women want to be noticed. They want to have some approval. I craved for that attention. That noticing. That approval. When it did come, it was not wrapped in the color I wanted. It did not feel the way I wanted it to feel. It wasn't it. It was something else. Something I didn't like. Something I felt seemed wrong. Like a stab in the back. I didn't like that feeling. I never did. Because it was nice words, but nice words that pained me. I took every chance I had to avoid such.

But now things are different. Now I go out and I get the attention. I don't look for it, but I get it. I don't over do anything. I am simple. Yet, I still get it. Some of it. The one I craved for. It nowadays comes. Makes me so happy, no?

Today, some guy in crutches actually stopped to say hi to me. He said, “Sasa Mresh.” i.e. “Hi Beautiful.” ('mresh' is sheng for 'beautiful'). The point here isn't that he's in crutches, (I don't discriminate) but that he noticed. He actually told the guy he was with that he'd say hi. I heard that because he was near the atm I went to withdraw cash from. I went on with my stuff feeling quite nice. Granted this is not the first time I've been told this considering this earlier post, but it still makes me smile. Gives me a nice feeling inside.

On Saturday I went out with my pals and we had fun. I usually don't go out, but its like I've started doing it more often. I like it. And the fact that guys would come up to me and tell me how hot I am makes me cringe sometimes. Not because I don't like them, but just because its amazing how its so much different now compared to before.

I am alive. I am happy. Thats what matters. Someday, somehow, things will get better. People will understand. People will know why. The reason why I don't write much about the going out and stuff, is because I don't want some people to get the wrong idea. Transsexuals don't transition to go out. They don't do it to 'be accepted'. They do it because. Period. Get it? They do it because its who they are. They wish to be themselves. Being accepted is part of it. But the root of it is to be themselves. The person theyve always known they were. Thats how I feel. And I hope, everyday, that our community understands us. Somehow.

Do have a great week y'all!

p.s. I don't know if I said this, but was recently featured in a newspaper article. The article also featured the first ever trans and intersex convening in Kenya.

I’M A FLIRT!!

Okay, yesterday I got kinda pissed at my boss for snooping around and dissin me for blogging after work! He was like, ‘get a laptop!’. Now what do I do if I cant afford one? And besides, a laptop is the last thing on my to-buy-list right now! I’d rather have HORMONES!!
Anyway, as the title goes, I am a flirt. I flirt a lot. I even flirt when I don’t know it! I started this way back in primary school. I would notice a guy and like him. I then would be-friend the guy. Once we have become somewhat friends, I start throwing vibes-you know, like smiling at him when he is seated next to me. I loved making soft pinches on the cheeks ( I still do that! It’s a thing of mine). And ofcourse, talking like you want him that moment! I don’t know, but its like I enjoyed it, and I still do. Well, I'm not a tramp, don’t get me wrong, I just enjoy making guys feel good about themselves and maybe, just maybe, let them see that I ain't no boy! For some, it was just totally weird for them, for others they enjoyed it and then there were those who flat out didn’t get it.
Apart from flirting, there was your average attraction that happened once every so often. I remember both in high school and primary it happened. It was as simple as you may picture it. I don’t know whether it’s the same with gay persons. I remember guys would approach me and tell me, all the while looking confused and shy, that they had developed feelings for me! At first I would act all shocked and somehow angry, saying that he was crazy, nuts even. Then I’d brush it off and continue like I didn’t care! For some it wasn’t easy doing that as I too had gotten a crush on them but couldn’t say it to them. Then again I would agree on some level with others and just accept to be wooed and told sweet nothings (tell me a girl who doesn't enjoy that!)! since we were young, in a boarding school and ‘boys’ it wasn’t easy having a relationship but they happened. I feel like I was somehow lucky, maybe blessed, (I hate tooting my own horn), but I honeslty couldn’t understand how guys, who by the way were very straight, would come upto me and tell me that they thot I was hot/cute and that they liked me! Ofcourse I can now inderstand it better, maybe it’s the ‘opposites attract thing’ maybe its something else. Like for example, up till now, I cannot get how two guys or two girls fall for one another! But it happens and I both accept and respect that. Infact I have seen some gay men and lesbians. They are cool. They are normal people (some say they are cursed, hence the word). They are so regular. Just like me. I mean! (ok I have to stop babbling!)
I came out to a friend the other day. He had wooed me for long (I use that word too much, right?). and I was just about to tell him off, then I thought to myself that if I keep keeping it to myself, then who is ever going to know the real me? Isn’t it time I start shedding the shell little by little? Don’t I deserve to have friends who know me for me, who understand me for who I am? I do deserve it. And besides, ain't I starting my hormones soon? Surely it wont be a walk in the park? I will need a support system, won’t I?
So I told him. He asked so many questions! I felt so good answering them all. It was such a relief. My heart was racing hard and I felt like I was in a job interview(never been to one!)!! but it felt great. He understand now. He claims he still loves me. I wonder whether that will still be so. But I must keep my hopes up. I mean, there is hope for Kenya, isn’t there? We all will someday understand and tolerate each other, regardless of our gender or sexual inclination. I like the way someone commented on a certain blog. He/she said that we need to stop labeling ourselves through our sexual nature or gender identities and start looking at ourselves as kawaa human beings in love. In love with whomever we are with, and okay with however we are. We need to focus on living a fulfilling life, achieving our dreams and goals. Being the best we could ever be!

Yes we can!!!

ONLINE FAMILY
I have chosen to give a special THANK YOU to all who support me and my goal with this blog.
Pater, thanks for acknowledging me, and also your kind words. They mean a lot to me. Honestly.
Tamaku, you definitely shall be expecting a lot from me! I assure you. We surely shall interact more.
GNM, thank you too. I am grateful for everything.
Marsha dear, you are a sister to me. I love you dearly!!
Cuppatea, honestly, like the others, I hope to meet you someday.

I really have to be grateful. This is a medium that we can all share ourselves and I am especially grateful that I am part of this.

God bless you all.