Maybe I Should Just Cut It Off

As I continue to live this life... this relatively new life... my desire for bottom surgery increases. I am increasingly getting restless over this. Over the lack of money, over having to tuck everyday, over having to explain things to new lovers... IT SUCKS!

My friend Veronica told me she didn't have sex with anyone until she did her surgery. I guess I can't be like her. That means I have to deal with 'coming out' issues all the time.

Men are simple. To them it is all about penetration. "If I am not inside you, then it isn't sex."
I don't do anal sex. I do thigh sex.

"Intercrural sex (from "inter-" and Latin "crura", legs), also known as femoral/interfemoral sex/intercourse, is a type of non-penetrative sex, in which a male places his penis between his partner's thighs (often with lubrication^[1]), and thrusts to create friction."

Non-penetrative. That's what they say. But trust me, I always feel like I'm being penetrated. And, I have been told, they too feel like they're penetrating. So it is all about how you feel rather than what the books say, or what your mind tells you, or what you're used to.

Not!

Many men still believe that sex is not sex if it isn't penetrative. If it isn't inside a vagina or anus, it is NOT sex.

Funny.

But that's the reality. The reality I have to deal with every single time. I just want to give up. But I am human. I have urges. It isn't a secret. Let's not pretend I don't have sex. Let's not pretend transgirls don't have sex. We do. But I have to deal with this man who expects a vag but gets something different. Worse still, he gets a girl with 'some dangling meat down there'. Ugh!

That's why sometimes I think, maybe I should just cut it off. It's called Penectomy.

Well... the other option is to stop having sex.

Life goes on....

Thoughts Today

I'm thinking. And I've been thinking. As usual. Mostly about my dysphoria - my discomfort with the look of my genitals and how that constantly shapes how I think, how I interact with people (esp in public), and so forth.

 

 

To be honest, a lot of it has to do with relationships and relating. Yes, I have met many guys (and girls) who have absolutely no issue with my large clit, but I just can't shake away the thought (and maybe you could say reality) that it is a penis. I can create words for it, and say that it is a clit, since it resides on my body - a female body, but it looks like a penis. Thus, it is one. I lived as male for 22 years. I can't run away from that. I don't look male at all - or so people tell me. But I still see shreds of masculinity in my body. Like the tiny bump on my neck, the remnants of "5 O'clock shadow", the large clit ... the lack of a pussy. All these. They somewhat define how I live life.

 

I like how this gorgeous transwoman puts it in this (not so well interviewed) interview. Amiyah Scott.

 

 

She so pretty!

Pretty Ogre ....

I'm also thinking about how quickly I become undesirable once I reveal the reality of 'what's down there' and my past life. So quickly. It's like a switch.

I meet this guy, we talk, we flirt, we like stuff about each other, he really finds me interesting and intriguing. Until he finds out I have a past life as male. All that is interesting about me suddenly becomes moot. Disappears. Gone. I suddenly am reduced to "that girl has no vagina?" person. Nothing more. Maybe even less/worse.

Now I just want to stop telling them altogether. I may as well remain on my own.

 

 

Maybe I feel that time is passing away and the gender affirming surgery seems so far away ... maybe I am craving a little more.

 

Patience. That's what I'm telling myself. Patience. And focus.

 

It shall come.

 

 

XOXO

Lind.

Its My Life

Hey guys,

Hope you are all doing well.

I know it’s been a while, a long while, since I posted anything.

Well, it’s just that there's not been much happening to post about.

But this time around, I have a few things I want to get off my chest.

First of all, let me just update y’all on a few things.

I started applying for my new I.D. back in March but its not been forthcoming. They’ve been taking me round and round in circles and now I’m tired. I’m still following up on it.

The hormones are going on well, though I’m still kinda bummed that by boobs aren't growing bigger L

Anyway, the reason for my post today is BOYS.

Yeah, I've written about boys quite a number of times I know… but its always an issue.

First of all let me just say that for trans women, the ultimate goal is to look/feel/be a woman completely and especially to the public eye. Putting it simply, it is a goal of us to look so ourselves that no one can notice anything ‘off’. However, not all of us are lucky enough to get to that point.

I myself am lucky that I do. And with this comes some ‘shortfalls’. I'm talking about being hit on. Yes, not the first time I'm talking about this eh?

So what do I do when I get hit on? What happens when I've found a really nice guy who likes me, thinks I'm hot and everything and even takes me to his room and kisses me. What do I do when he wants to put his leg between mine? What do I tell him when I refuse? What does he think?

Well, that incident happened. And I just had to tell him. I sent him this note:

Hey,

I thought I should just tell you what's bothering me and why I was so uneasy with you.

I am a trans woman. I was born with male genitalia and raised as a boy. But I've always been a girl. I've been living as a girl since 2009. I've had surgery to remove the testes and I've been on female hormones for over 2 years.

Being trans is not like being a homosexual. I have gender dysphoria. It means when I was developing in my mothers womb, my brain developed female but my body developed (mostly) male. Its a genetic/mental condition. I am happy now that I live my life the way I have always wanted.

I had a rough childhood and early adulthood. I am glad I was able to 'fix' things.

I haven't yet had the sex affirming surgery - to give me a vagina. So I still have that thing down there. That's why I was so uncomfortable with spreading my legs.

I don't know how this is going to make you feel or how you are going to take me after this. If you feel offended that I didn't tell you upfront, I am really sorry. Very sorry. Its not easy telling people these things. You never know what may happen.

Hope you understand.

Take care.

 

That was my email to him. He took it well; though I'm not sure exactly how he feels about it.

See, men, your typical straight ones, like pretty ladies with vajayjays. Not with other stuff dangling there. It’s not attractive.

It’s such a downer for us trans girls. A friend of mine is going through the same thing. She had to reveal to this guy she was seeing that she was trans and now he is having a hard time taking it in.

Both of us felt that it would be lovely to just have the gender affirming surgery as soon as possible: just to avoid such scenarios. But the surgery is so expensive it is way out of reach for many of us. One needs like $10,000 to $20,000 for it! Where on earth would one get such amounts!? *sigh*

Oh well. This is our life. We are different. We deal with it.

 

XOXO lovelies!