YOUNG , LEARNING AND KEEPING STRONG

As the days go by, into my last three months of my job, I am now changing tact. Indeed the words of my superiors made me think a lot about where I am headed and what I should do with my life and with my many talents. It came out clearly that I am immensely resourceful and have lots of potential to do great things and go many places. This made me think about myself and what I am to do with me. I know all the things they said about me, but to be honest, this transition has made my confidence levels drop! I have to be honest with myself. Something else I was told was not to blame my laxity on my transition. This is also true. Somehow I have blamed even my lack of sociality on the fact that I am a transgender and in Kenya. Truth be told, life as a trans girl in Kenya ain't easy. I know Ive said this before. It sure ain't. But once you get over yourself and start living, it can get easier. (My boss' tha best!). She told me that I knew that life would become more complicated once I began my transition and its a decision I made knowing full well the consequences. In all honesty, I have asked myself these questions time and again: am I on the right path? Is it all worth it? Will I trip, fall and turn back? Which life is better? This one or the old one? Am I happier? Will I make it? These questions all get answered somehow in the next few minutes after asking myself. I ensure I end up with positive energy and that I feel fine. I am beautiful and I thank God for that. Definitely, walking around the streets of Nairobi make m nervous, I am less nervous now than before. I feel more confident because of my new hairstyle. It gives me the femme look that I always yearned for. I had small dreadlocks before but even those still made me a bit uncomfy. Either way, just being a tranny in Nairobi is hard work and very brave!

So the day I was alighting from a bus and just as I stood up to alight, I noticed something. My 'friend downstairs' was peeping out! Somehow it had slid out of where I had carefully tucked it away. To make matters worse, I was wearing a tight short skirt! OMG! I was so scared! It was a good thing that I was headed for work so I walked as fast as I could in my high heels trying as hard as I can to make sure its not visible! That experience was terrible. Its happened before but only when I'm wearing trousers or jeans (I wear these most of the times) and so its usually not much of a scare. But that day's incident really freaked me out!

I began wearing skirts immediately I got my new hairdo. It somehow gave me the confidence to strut out into Nairobi looking glamorous in a skirt; something I had never done and had been looking forward to for such a long time. This was my third time out in a skirt and it always gave me the jitters. Mostly it did because I'm usually uncomfortable with my slightly broad shoulders and smaller hips and wider waistline. I have to admit, I was blessed with a naturally curvy body so I've always wanted to flaunt that. But seeing how broad my shoulders were made me a little scared. So I always make sure I'm wearing a jacket or jumper on top. I am yet to get the courage to walk in Nairobi with a tight top and bottom on, showing all my curves without being scared.

Something else that I still am very conscious about is my neck. I have an AA. Of course I don't like it but its there. So when I'm out in public I'm usually wearing a scarf, no matter how hot it may be because I'm scared of people noticing my AA. Again, because of facial hair and years of constant and frequent shaving, my skin below the chin is very rough and shadowy. Its easy to tell that I have been shaving and I have those razor bumps and the dark shades below my neck. On the face I hide those with foundation but having an oily face only makes my face look plump and shiny; something I definitely don't want to see. I keep telling myself that I ain't the only girl in Nairobi let alone the whole of Kenya who has skin issues and I should just be okay with myself and try to be thankful for what I already have. I also keep reminding myself that there are plenty of girls out there that don't have a curvy body and still have wide-looking shoulders and that I should be thankful that I have one!

Either way, I am doing my best and I am thankful to God for giving me the strength to carry on. I know life will be difficult but I am able to make it through and make it big.

No matter the circumstances I will survive. I will make the best out of my life!

ORIGINS...

I think of my mother and I suddenly feel a gush of mixed emotions. When I think of my mother, words fail me to describe what I feel at the opportune time. It is really hard for me and probably you reading this bit would immediately assume the worst. When I say that its hard, its because she is EXTREMELY WONDERFULL!!! Even these words cannot remotely express how I feel about her!! She is my mother, a pearl from heaven, a haven of understanding, a …... I'm at loss of the right words! Fine, I'm babbling and loosing my cool!

The biggest scare for me when I realized who I really was and what was going on with me was that my mom would reject me. I'm an only child and don't have a father. So basically my mom was my whole family and the thought of me losing her at the time I really needed her most was dauntingly terrifying! I mastered up the courage to open up to my mom and her sisters but I couldn't face her directly. So I wrote her a two page letter pouring my heart out to her , explaining exactly what was going on with me. I left the letter for her to read one evening when I went to my grandparents so that she could have ample time to read, reflect, internalize and accept (if possible).

That week she called me and told me that she had read the letter and her response was that SHE WILL TAKE ME AS I AM!!! I was extremely happy, excited, thankful, relieved...all at once! The mixed feelings I had were overwhelming and I thanked God for such an amazing mother.


THIS NEW ME...
(This just happened..)
My new job entails meeting people, going out and having discussions, that kind of stuff. Today in particular, I was aware that I was to meet up with some people we were dealing with at the office but at a hotel in town. Now, since we were going for a lunch meeting, it lasted longer than expected and so it reached a point where I had to use the bathroom/loo. I kind of had forgotten that my physical appearance still wasnt that feminine so when I asked a guard to direct me to the ladies he grew pale and gave me a confused look. I didnt get why he looked at me that way and maybe it was because so far most people that I had interacted with were very accepting and understanding so that idea somehow was instilled in me. This guard was an old looking fellow and thus, me, looking the way I did and asking for the ladies, blew him away. I just left him since someone else showed me where they were and went in the ladies. When I came out I found him waiting for me with a look that showed he meant bad business! I immediately got terrified and my heart raced four times as fast! He started questioning me in swahili asking me 'are you a lady? Why are you asking for the ladies and youre a guy? Why did you enter the ladies? Are you a lady?' I tried explaining myself telling him that I was a transgender but then it hit me, this guy, probably at his age and being a guard, may not even have the slightest clue as to what that was. This confrontation went on for like three minutes, me trying to insist that I'm a girl only differently looking and also trying to put across the fact that he wasnt in a position to question my gender but then, since probably his level of understanding didnt allow it, he just couldn't get why a dude would ennter the ladies! Thankfully, a staff member came by and helped me out telling the 'askari' that it wasnt in his place to question my gender.

That incident gave me shivers that are still running through my body even now as I post this! This was the exact kind of reactions that I really am trying to avoid. I keep telling myself that I can do it, I am beautiful and people can see that. My biggest set back is my beard and probably the apple. I am trying my best to get atleast some of it off and invisible but clearly, thats gonna be a mountain to climb. A hurdle that I have to pass, a trial that must be fulfilled. I really want to do this but my environment is semi-hostile. I'm hoping Nairobians are don't care and wont bother me, but I want to be realistic enough to accept the fact that this process isnt gonna be smooth sailing, and that I shall indeed come across such characters that will mess up my confidence and make me feel like nothingness. Its a reality that I have to embrace and I pray to God that, as He has protected me time and again, including today, He shall continue to guide and protect me from all harm and evil. Amen.

Thanks for all your support and prayers. May God truly bless you all!