Family Woes

I love my Mum. Y'all know that by now. We talk/chat/text etc every day and we're like sisters (very true!). I can't at all say how much she means to me. She's my rock. She means the world to me. And she knows that. Its just that I never know how exactly to express my love/gratitude/happiness/joy/peace/understanding etc to her. I simply have no words. Everytime someone tells me "You're very lucky, you know that?" and I respond "I know..." I feel like its a brag statement. Or an 'I-don't-care' statement. Or like indifferent in a way. No, when I say "I know" I truly mean that. As in, I know, but I'm still amazed.

Not many mothers are like that. I am indeed, truly, blessed to have you mom.

Now, the harder part is getting to be 'okayed' by the rest of the family. I don't have siblings so the only other family I have is my extended family. My cousins, uncles, aunts and grandparents - all from my mother's side of the family. Its taking time to have them understand me and know me (this new me) better and see that I'm no different than the old me....if anything, I'm far far better.

I gotta admit, I miss my aunt. I miss my grandparents. I really, truly, wish they'd understand me & embrace me. I truly wish they'd see that I'm not brainwashed. That I'm a happier, better person now more than ever. Its been a while (like almost a year) since I last saw my grandmum and I feel I will be seeing her soon. I am kinda worried about how she will take me, how she will treat me, how she will relate with me. I'm just worried. But I am strong. I shall remain strong. And take it on as it comes. I shall await and see how it goes. I believe it won't be bad. I know it won't.

She'll be fine.


*XOXO*

I Love You MOM!

End of June. Begin July. Hmmm. What have I been up to this month? Well honestly, as I have mentioned before, I am getting more and more cofused about what I should write here and what I shouldn't. Its kind of frustrating if I may say since I do want to write is just that sometimes you don't get that inspiration. I guess its the writer's block thingy. We ain't all writers anyway.

This month I marked the second month since I began my hormones. I feel great. Relaxed. Easy. Even despite a few challenges here and there, the feeling is good. I am relatively happy. My relationship with A is smooth. Sometimes I think being with an older person is better. I tend to think that I am way older than my age! He's a good guy. He's easygoing, calm, reserved, talkative, funny, understanding, very understanding and most importantly, he's got my heart. I admit I do love him. And yes, don't scold me for not talking about him. I don't think its important. Unless someone tells me why I should. Do we have issues? Yes. Who doesn't! But we get along quite well. He makes me happy and that's it. The only fear I have is that this feeling will fade away. But every time I see him the feeling is strong. Its like a thermometer. Every time I see him or even just think about him the mecury rises. And I have no doubts. Anyhoo, I am thankful and grateful for having him near me and being mine. I am also thankful that we are good and have a strong relationship. By the way, August we will be marking our 1st anniversary!

Oh my Mom! Mommy is great as always, even better sometimes. I cannot express in words how much I love my mother. She means the world to me. She comes first in everything. Then A comes next. They are the two most important people in my life right now. I don't know where id be without them! Please note, I am not dismissing other close friends and family here, I am just saying those who are closest to my heart at the moment. I simply love my mom. I think even that word 'love' isn't enough. Its far from enough. If she's reading this,... Mom, you mean the world to me. I know that's cliché but enyewe there ain't no other way I could say it. Lemme dedicate this song to you.

A Song For Mama
You taught me everything
And everything you've given me
I always keep it inside
You're the driving force in my life, yeah


There isn't anything
Or anyone I can be
And it just wouldn't feel right
If I didn't have you by my side


You were there for me to love and care for me
When skies were grey
Whenever I was down
You were always there to comfort me
And no one else can be what you have been to me
You'll always be you always will be the girl
In my life for all times




[Chorus: ]
Mama, mama you know I love you
Oh you know I love you
Mama, mama you're the queen of my heart
Your love is like
Tears from the stars
Mama, I just want you to know
Lovin' you is like food to my soul


You're always down for me
Have always been around for me even when I was bad
You showed me right from my wrong
Yes you did


And you took up for me
When everyone was downin' me
You always did understand
You gave me strength to go on


There was so many times
Looking back when I was so afraid
And then you come to me
And say to me I can face anything
And no one else can do
What you have done for me
You'll always be
You will always be the girl in my life


[Chorus ]

Take care people. And remember, love makes every difference!

LIFE GOES ON(2)

Yes, nothing major has happened in my life. Its like I faded into normalcy of girlhood. Still getting the hang of it-being a girl in Nairobi. I love my life. Its easy, manageable and yes, no more pretence. I am so happy. Reminds me of the movie Transamerica where the trans lady, Bree tells the guy from the American Psychiatric (something) whether he finds it interesting that a surgery can cure someone of a mental condition! Well, okay, for me it ain't anything surgical but the fact that I live as me (finally!) is very exciting.

Life as a girl is interesting. Its different from what I had imagined but I cannot rule out the fact that it still is me living. Nothing much has changed. If anything, I am still the same, only dress and look differently. Something I have to keep reminding A about since he was very much concerned about this whole transition thing changing me into “those women” that he doesn't like.

There is some good news though, I finally got a house! Yes! I'm moving by the end of the week and I am ecstatic! Its larger than what I had before and better. But with most things, not everything is spic and span, there are small flaws here and there and some stuff I will have to change up. But all in all I am glad and happy. Things are going better. When me and my mom went to pay for the house, I remember her telling me that she ensured she had gotten all the pronouns and names correctly when talking to the owner so that she doesn't make any mistakes! I really love my mom! She makes things easier :). Can't thank her enough.

And with all this, I pen off. Until another day people. Thanks for being there for me; couldn't have done it without you.

*Hugs!*

SECURITY!!!

My neighborhood seems to have become unsafe. I now really need to move. Why? Well its like this.

I started my transition just over three months ago. I never moved from where I I lived. That means that my neighbors and people who live or work in my neighborhood have seen me before; when I lived as a guy. Fine, they don't know me, they don't know who I am, but surely they know that this person lives around here. I have lived there for over a year now. Granted, when I began my transition I knew that for me not to have any squabbles with neighbors I should have moved. But getting a house in Nairobi sure is a lot of work and I couldn't jeopardize my work in my new job. So I braved up and continued living. For the first month and a half I looked kinda like my old self. Very little had changed. I only had my ears pierced and thats it. I still had short relaxed hair, I still wore androgynously, but I had breast enhancers on. I was extremely scared every time I went out. I hadn't changed much but now I expected myself to be female and not male and try as much as possible to be convincing enough to everyone and anyone. Definitely this look led to my being confronted by that hotel guard I blogged about here.

The second month saw me change my hairstyle and put on dreadlocks. The ones made with black thread. Again, I was extremely bold in doing this and going out every single day in public and still trying to maintain my femininity amid increasingly confused stares coming my way. I could see the neighbors getting uneasy everytime I passed by. They also would mumble words to themselves whenever id pass by. This still gave me shivers but I braved on. Still not moving. I really love this house. Seeing that I was not confronted by anyone, I felt that it probably was 'kinda' safe to live here and I should continue with my life bravely and not care as to who's who. I got encouraged to continue by some of my friends and one of them told me that I should be ready to face my fears. Again, probably where I would move to could be far worse.

In the third month I again changed my hairstyle. This time I put on a very feminine hairstyle; braids! The braids I have on are very feminine. They are curly, long and black. They give me such a nice look and I really love them. So of course this was going to shake some more ground in my home surroundings. That same week, I put on a skirt for the very first time. I had been wearing jeans and trousers all along. The second week came and I put on a skirt again. Third week, the same. The following day after this third time my friend and neighbor alerted me of something he'd heard being discussed by some neighbors around. It was about this guy who lives around and has started wearing skirts and like a girl! That was me! This was the first time I had heard that I was being discussed. And he told me he had heard it before. Chills ran down my spine. I was petrified beyond comprehension. That night I didn't sleep well. Neither did my mother because immediately after my friend gave me the exposé, I told her about it.

So this means that I need to move. And I need to do this fast! Fine, I still haven't been confronted, but I do not want to continue provoking them in any kind of way because one of the things that my friend heard one guy say was that the guy would make advances to me so as to try and find out if I really am a girl or something. I am now looking for a house and will probably move by the end of the year or early next year. I hope to find a good house in a good neighborhood where people mind their own lives and there are no nosy neighbors!

Pray for me my dear friends. Pray that I get a good house that I can call home. Where I can live as myself without fear of being ostracized or anything!


**HUGZ**

THE LOW DAYS (Dated October 24th)

Well, as the title says, I am, or was, going through one of the lowest moments I've had since I began my journey. There are so many issues that have cropped up that have left me so confused if not stressed and now more than ever I clearly see why I was recently diagnosed with ulcers. The biggest cause of ulcers is stress!!! As of today, I was to meet a special friend of mine but he wasn't able to make it and funny enough it was at this very low moment and I needed him the most. Secondly, I went to town today to meet a friend of mine who I hadn't seen I a long while and the plan was for him to come see my place/house. Somehow I ended up staying in town with him at a pub and having a soda. A friend of his came over and said he was meeting someone else. In the process of waiting for that friend he asked for a phone so he could call him since his had a battery fault and kept going off. I offered him mine (inside my head I thought “well, he's a friend to my friend, and besides, he asked for my friend's phone and he had returned it so...”) and he went out with it since the pub was noisy. A few minutes later I realized that he wasn't coming back so I asked my friend to go look for him. I smelled a rat because my phone didn't have much airtime so there was no way he would have been talking on phone for that long. I got worried and dashed out, pulling my friend out and asking him what sort of nonsense he was trying to pull. He insisted that he never knew why his friend disappeared. I figured in my head that since this was a long time friend I could trust him to get my phone back. So I left. Later that evening I called up my friend using another phone and he said he had tried reaching that guy but wasn't going through. I felt cheated, embarrassed and angry all at the same time. I just couldn't fathom that my friend, someone I had known for over ten years would do such a thing to me!! And even more crazy was that the next day my friends phone wouldn't get through. I just cannot believe it!

Back to my special friend, its been a while since I've seen him and I'm feeling very lonely. I know people may be wondering why I don't call him a boyfriend or my guy. Its simply because I consider him just as that. A special friend. He is more than just a friend. Its just that I don't think I have reached that point where I can comfortably call him my boyfriend or my guy. Until I am okay with that, it will remain as is. And on the same note, until I see him, I will remain miserable.

Still on being low, I recently mentioned that my mom (brave as she is!) went to my grandparents and broke the news (of my situation and subsequent journey into transitioning) to them. It wasn't easy. I'm not sure whether I want to divulge more info on the matter but what I can tell y'all is that one of them wasn't too happy about it at all. They said that I was being deviant, that I was possessed by a demon spirit from the pits of Hell, that I was in dire need of prayers! They even went to the extent of calling up my supportive cousins and telling them not to support what I am doing, that its ungodly that they should instead take me to a renowned local pastor that is known for his (and God's, I presume) ability to perform 'exorcism' on demon possessed persons in the society. It is unbelievable yes, but its the reality. I am still recollecting myself from that massive blow and trying to keep my shoulders held high and my spirituality and faith in God, yes, the same God she believes in.

in as much as I write about being down, I still try to remind myself that its normal to have ups and downs, that we all go through those. And I hope for the best.

The best is yet to come.

TWO WEEKS LATER...

Of late I have not been able to update my blog on the ongoings in my life and its largely because I have been having a lot of work lately thus denying me the luxury of sitting down to come up with comprehensive words describing my near-boring life!

Apart from dissing myself there, life hasn't been met without the usual ups and downs. It sometimes worries me to be writing about me and my life seeing that I personally tend to be very private. It also sometimes saddens me that I don't get to follow my fellow bloggers' blogs properly (as I would like to) because of the lack of time. (I say this despite the fact that we all have 24hrs in a day!!).

Now to update you on what's been happening; what I've been up to, lemme start by telling you that I was diagnosed with Ulcers! Now now, lets not jump into conclusions by saying, “Oh no! Its a case of stress! Oh you poor thing!”. Well, quite frankly, it was! But not entirely though. I also haven't been eating well. You see, I used to work for a catering company (I must've mentioned this somewhere else) and thereby used to eat nice, well cooked, healthy, FREE meals!! Expectedly, I never cooked at home, unless I had visitors over or was on leave. But now, now cooking is something I have to 'reinvent', remind myself. My mom keeps telling me, “If you ever get married, you will be one disappointing wife!”. Funny as it may sound, its not, in reality. In our culture, a young woman should know her way around the kitchen EXTREMELY well. As someone said in a radio recently, a good woman/wife should be a chef in the kitchen, a friend in the living room, a partner in public and a slut in the bedroom!

So, yes. I did have an ulcer scare. It lasted about three weeks and during this time I didnt have any hormones. I felt bad for that but I couldn't help stopping knowing very well that one of the side effects of the drugs is nausea and stuff!

I am now back on meds and I am relatively happy. I say relatively because there are still so many other issues that have been cropping up and its weighing heavily on me. I hope that I will be able to create time so that I can share these issues with y'all. Otherwise for now, I will stop there.


But I will leave you with a question. For those in transition and or completed transitioning, how much did it cost, roughly? Could you break it down simply into total cost, cost of meds, cost of srs(if any) and also into yearly, monthly, weekly and daily costs especially for the hrt(meds).

Thanks y'all. Happy blogging!!

ORIGINS...

I think of my mother and I suddenly feel a gush of mixed emotions. When I think of my mother, words fail me to describe what I feel at the opportune time. It is really hard for me and probably you reading this bit would immediately assume the worst. When I say that its hard, its because she is EXTREMELY WONDERFULL!!! Even these words cannot remotely express how I feel about her!! She is my mother, a pearl from heaven, a haven of understanding, a …... I'm at loss of the right words! Fine, I'm babbling and loosing my cool!

The biggest scare for me when I realized who I really was and what was going on with me was that my mom would reject me. I'm an only child and don't have a father. So basically my mom was my whole family and the thought of me losing her at the time I really needed her most was dauntingly terrifying! I mastered up the courage to open up to my mom and her sisters but I couldn't face her directly. So I wrote her a two page letter pouring my heart out to her , explaining exactly what was going on with me. I left the letter for her to read one evening when I went to my grandparents so that she could have ample time to read, reflect, internalize and accept (if possible).

That week she called me and told me that she had read the letter and her response was that SHE WILL TAKE ME AS I AM!!! I was extremely happy, excited, thankful, relieved...all at once! The mixed feelings I had were overwhelming and I thanked God for such an amazing mother.


THIS NEW ME...
(This just happened..)
My new job entails meeting people, going out and having discussions, that kind of stuff. Today in particular, I was aware that I was to meet up with some people we were dealing with at the office but at a hotel in town. Now, since we were going for a lunch meeting, it lasted longer than expected and so it reached a point where I had to use the bathroom/loo. I kind of had forgotten that my physical appearance still wasnt that feminine so when I asked a guard to direct me to the ladies he grew pale and gave me a confused look. I didnt get why he looked at me that way and maybe it was because so far most people that I had interacted with were very accepting and understanding so that idea somehow was instilled in me. This guard was an old looking fellow and thus, me, looking the way I did and asking for the ladies, blew him away. I just left him since someone else showed me where they were and went in the ladies. When I came out I found him waiting for me with a look that showed he meant bad business! I immediately got terrified and my heart raced four times as fast! He started questioning me in swahili asking me 'are you a lady? Why are you asking for the ladies and youre a guy? Why did you enter the ladies? Are you a lady?' I tried explaining myself telling him that I was a transgender but then it hit me, this guy, probably at his age and being a guard, may not even have the slightest clue as to what that was. This confrontation went on for like three minutes, me trying to insist that I'm a girl only differently looking and also trying to put across the fact that he wasnt in a position to question my gender but then, since probably his level of understanding didnt allow it, he just couldn't get why a dude would ennter the ladies! Thankfully, a staff member came by and helped me out telling the 'askari' that it wasnt in his place to question my gender.

That incident gave me shivers that are still running through my body even now as I post this! This was the exact kind of reactions that I really am trying to avoid. I keep telling myself that I can do it, I am beautiful and people can see that. My biggest set back is my beard and probably the apple. I am trying my best to get atleast some of it off and invisible but clearly, thats gonna be a mountain to climb. A hurdle that I have to pass, a trial that must be fulfilled. I really want to do this but my environment is semi-hostile. I'm hoping Nairobians are don't care and wont bother me, but I want to be realistic enough to accept the fact that this process isnt gonna be smooth sailing, and that I shall indeed come across such characters that will mess up my confidence and make me feel like nothingness. Its a reality that I have to embrace and I pray to God that, as He has protected me time and again, including today, He shall continue to guide and protect me from all harm and evil. Amen.

Thanks for all your support and prayers. May God truly bless you all!

A NEW BEGINNING!!

Hey guys. In case you haven't noticed, its been a while since I last made a post. Actually its almost a month isn't it? Anyway, I really have missed you peeps and really do hope that y'all have been okay. I just realised recently that I can actually type really fast and without looking at the keyboard. I guess its your average case of 'practice makes perfect. The only problem is that I still haven't learnt how to use all my fingers for typing so I tend to get tired easily and faster.

Okay. Let me not bore you with small stuff!! Its now official! Lindsay has finally come out as herself!! Hip hip, HORRAY!!! I sure hope y'all are happy for me! And its all thanks to the job I got as an assistant at an NGO that accepts my kind!!!! What happened is that I applied and they wanted someone from the LGBTI community and they called me, gave me an interview and finally called back to tell me that I was successful and voila! I'm at the new job! Now the tricky part is that I applied as myself, as in my female self and not as the 'fake' male that people knew. So I knew I had to act fast! That weekend was weird! First of all I had to do the handing over at my old place. They kept asking where the hell I was going but I definitely could not tell them exactly where I was going and especially not that I was now going there as the real me! None of them knew what went about me and I never wanted them to know. So after the handing over and the sorry goodbyes the weekend came and then I remembered, CLOTHES!! I DONT HAVE ANY CLOTHES!! As in I don't have many female clothes! All this time I kept telling myself that I'm ready to come out but I guess I forgot that the first day is very important! Anywho, that weekend I went out and bought a few clothes that I felt were not too feminine but would still show that I was a girl. It was exciting to finally buy girl clothes! I had dreamt of it and even though the first day wasn't as I had pictured it, I'm pretty sure my day will come! Since I didnt have enough cash, I only got a few stuff. I also approached my cousins for assistance but then again, female bodies are different and thus the clothing dilemma!

Monday came and I for the first time ever, I came out of my house as ME! It was the scariest feeling I had ever had! First of all, I was scared of my neighborhood. I knew I wasn't that known by people, but seeing that I had really stayed there for a while, people around must have known my face from here and there. Again, I was afraid of being seen by my building neighbors. They knew me better, probably not by name or anything, but just by knowing that it was I who lived in that house! Thirdly I was afraid of the worst; being discovered and worse still, being embarassed in any way in town. See, I still havent done much with regards to my appearance so basically I still have beard growth marks (I always shave), slightly broadened shoulders, an adams apple (I really hate that thing, but,....) among other things. And again, by that time, I still hadnt pierced my ears so from looking at me, one could tell that there was definitely something going on there! Remember I had mentioned earlier that I always get weird looks from people, wondering whether I was male or female? Now you can imagine how these looks grew more intense, especially when they see a protruding chest (I put on some 'boobs') together with a neck-poking apple and beard marks! I was extremely terrified at what people would do to me.

Somehow, Monday passed on well. In the evening I had my ears pierced, and thankfully I hadnt shaved off my hair so whatever bit I had, I made it up and it looks good enough. Because I'm starting off, I shan't beat myself down. All I'm praying is that I will continue on courageously and fight for my happiness, because to be truly honest, I have never ever felt this happy in my entire life!! The things I used to do in the house, where no one would see me, now I can do them in public, go to work where everyone embraces me for who I am, however weird-looking I might seem to them, going about my things as myself.....it was all but a dream that is now slowly taking shape into reality.

Honestly today I can go on and on and on about the mixed feelings I'm having but I don't want to pour out everything just yet. As it said in my 'about me', I am about to begin hormones. Now I'm editing that part and I'm putting 'I have just began my hormone therapy'! I am experiencing mixed feelings. At one point I'm extremely excited! Then again on the other side I am extremely scared. I am banking on my God given courage and strength that I shall be successful I this thing I'm pursuing. I am happy to know that I have a good number of supporters and it also gives me more greater pleasure to know that where I work they embrace my true self and let me be who I am. The job wont last forever but at least for the time it will be around, I shall utilize it to the fullest.

I will try and dedicate time towards updating this blog frequently because I really want to let people see a true transgender/transsexual's life how it unfolds; from before, during and after hormonal effects and other stuff that might crop up. I also ask my dear ardent readers to please put me in your daily prayers as I pursue this dream of mine and hope that all will be well in this Nairobi for me!

Ciao Amigos! Love ya all!!