Wednesday, September 9, 2009

A NEW BEGINNING!!

Hey guys. In case you haven't noticed, its been a while since I last made a post. Actually its almost a month isn't it? Anyway, I really have missed you peeps and really do hope that y'all have been okay. I just realised recently that I can actually type really fast and without looking at the keyboard. I guess its your average case of 'practice makes perfect. The only problem is that I still haven't learnt how to use all my fingers for typing so I tend to get tired easily and faster.

Okay. Let me not bore you with small stuff!! Its now official! Lindsay has finally come out as herself!! Hip hip, HORRAY!!! I sure hope y'all are happy for me! And its all thanks to the job I got as an assistant at an NGO that accepts my kind!!!! What happened is that I applied and they wanted someone from the LGBTI community and they called me, gave me an interview and finally called back to tell me that I was successful and voila! I'm at the new job! Now the tricky part is that I applied as myself, as in my female self and not as the 'fake' male that people knew. So I knew I had to act fast! That weekend was weird! First of all I had to do the handing over at my old place. They kept asking where the hell I was going but I definitely could not tell them exactly where I was going and especially not that I was now going there as the real me! None of them knew what went about me and I never wanted them to know. So after the handing over and the sorry goodbyes the weekend came and then I remembered, CLOTHES!! I DONT HAVE ANY CLOTHES!! As in I don't have many female clothes! All this time I kept telling myself that I'm ready to come out but I guess I forgot that the first day is very important! Anywho, that weekend I went out and bought a few clothes that I felt were not too feminine but would still show that I was a girl. It was exciting to finally buy girl clothes! I had dreamt of it and even though the first day wasn't as I had pictured it, I'm pretty sure my day will come! Since I didnt have enough cash, I only got a few stuff. I also approached my cousins for assistance but then again, female bodies are different and thus the clothing dilemma!

Monday came and I for the first time ever, I came out of my house as ME! It was the scariest feeling I had ever had! First of all, I was scared of my neighborhood. I knew I wasn't that known by people, but seeing that I had really stayed there for a while, people around must have known my face from here and there. Again, I was afraid of being seen by my building neighbors. They knew me better, probably not by name or anything, but just by knowing that it was I who lived in that house! Thirdly I was afraid of the worst; being discovered and worse still, being embarassed in any way in town. See, I still havent done much with regards to my appearance so basically I still have beard growth marks (I always shave), slightly broadened shoulders, an adams apple (I really hate that thing, but,....) among other things. And again, by that time, I still hadnt pierced my ears so from looking at me, one could tell that there was definitely something going on there! Remember I had mentioned earlier that I always get weird looks from people, wondering whether I was male or female? Now you can imagine how these looks grew more intense, especially when they see a protruding chest (I put on some 'boobs') together with a neck-poking apple and beard marks! I was extremely terrified at what people would do to me.

Somehow, Monday passed on well. In the evening I had my ears pierced, and thankfully I hadnt shaved off my hair so whatever bit I had, I made it up and it looks good enough. Because I'm starting off, I shan't beat myself down. All I'm praying is that I will continue on courageously and fight for my happiness, because to be truly honest, I have never ever felt this happy in my entire life!! The things I used to do in the house, where no one would see me, now I can do them in public, go to work where everyone embraces me for who I am, however weird-looking I might seem to them, going about my things as myself.....it was all but a dream that is now slowly taking shape into reality.

Honestly today I can go on and on and on about the mixed feelings I'm having but I don't want to pour out everything just yet. As it said in my 'about me', I am about to begin hormones. Now I'm editing that part and I'm putting 'I have just began my hormone therapy'! I am experiencing mixed feelings. At one point I'm extremely excited! Then again on the other side I am extremely scared. I am banking on my God given courage and strength that I shall be successful I this thing I'm pursuing. I am happy to know that I have a good number of supporters and it also gives me more greater pleasure to know that where I work they embrace my true self and let me be who I am. The job wont last forever but at least for the time it will be around, I shall utilize it to the fullest.

I will try and dedicate time towards updating this blog frequently because I really want to let people see a true transgender/transsexual's life how it unfolds; from before, during and after hormonal effects and other stuff that might crop up. I also ask my dear ardent readers to please put me in your daily prayers as I pursue this dream of mine and hope that all will be well in this Nairobi for me!

Ciao Amigos! Love ya all!!

6 comments:

Sara Lövestam said...

Your blog is very inspirational! I love the things you write and the way you write them, and furthermore my heart beats for LGBT rights in Africa so that made me appreciate your story even more.

Bado mapambano!

/this swedish lesbian writer who just happened to stumble across your page

Monica Roberts said...

Lindsay,
Congratulations on the new job and taking the first step to a more authentic you.

Enchanted One said...

Thank you all.

Sara, its my dream that one day, we shall all live in harmony, regardless of whatever!

Monica, its our dream for all of us to be worth something in life. We should forever strive to achieve these.

Ciao.

Amy K. said...

Congrats on the new job and starting hormones. What an exciting time for you! I know you are nervous and all, but most of what you need to do now is take one day at a time and be patient, especially with the hormones aspect. Things like this take a bit of time, but it's worth every second!

Monica Roberts said...

Lindsay,
The one thing I most happy about is that I have one of my continental African sisters telling her story to the world.

Enchanted One said...

Thanks Amy. Infact thats what i remind myself every morning; one day at a time.

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