MONDAY MUSINGS

I lack words to say. I lack things to write about. Why? Most of them are very personal. Would I want to put them here? Oh yes, why definitely! Then why am I not putting it here? Well, because they are personal! Didn't you just say you would? Yes I did. And I cant put them here because they are personal. Yes, I said that twice. And yes, I know its conflicting. I want to say things to the world through this blog but I also want to keep part of me private. Most of my close friends and family know this is my blog and sometimes I may mention something that might be related to them in one way or another and they feel offended. I refused to name any names for security reasons but sometimes I wonder whether I am as anonymous as I wanted to be.

This post is a rant and rave of sorts. My mind just going wild. Its a Monday and I cant help think about all the stuff I have to do. This year is as busy as it can ever be. My job is closely coming to an end(it was for a period) and I need a strategy. That strategy is a work in progress.

Life on the other hand is not bad. Is it really great? Well I cant say that for now. Why? Because there are times it feels that way and there are times you wish it was better; easier even. Everyday I wonder whether I'm passing enough. Whether I will bump into someone I know from facebook, whether I will bump into someone I knew from work. Whether someone will notice that I'm not a genuine girl (or GG if you like). Sometimes I go through the streets of Nairobi and I haven't the slightest care in the world about who's looking at me or who's staring or something of the sort. Truthfully, most of the times I am slightly self conscious. Granted this has reduced significantly and especially when I got my new hairstyle but its still there. Its something I fight off everyday. I have to brace myself up every morning to be able to go through the day with ease. At work I am comfortable. More relaxed. People know me and they'd seen me from the beginning. Some colleagues still get the pronouns wrong but its easier nowadays.

I look at pictures of me when I began transitioning and I cant help but be astonished. The pictures I see are of a boy. I look in the mirror to find traces of him and, for me, I see them. Loud and clear. For most, especially those who had never met me before, cannot believe that its the same person. I almost shed a tear every time I see the pictures. Partly because I am sad about my past life. My lie of a life. My stage act. It was all acting for me. A play in the real world. One that was cruel on the inside but seemed hunky dory on the outside. I'm thinking some of my relatives who may stumble upon this post may wonder what I mean when I say it was a lie. Well for me it looked like one. Id put on a face every morning and remove it in the comfort of my home and where people knew the real me. Does that mean then that I've changed? no. not really. I have just improved. And a lot at that too.

The other reason I feel like shedding a tear is because I still see how much work is in progress. That its not a toss of a coin. A one day stint. Like a wave of a wand and Voila! Its all gone. Its a process. A journey. It will take me a while. But I have began. And I cant wait for the future. Its bright and its wonderful. Something I've always looked forward to.

Kenya needs lots of work. There are so many things we need to do, the transgender community in Kenya. We fight a slightly different battle from our LGB counterparts. While they seek recognition and acceptance, we seek for not only that but also medical and legal policies to enable us be and become who we are. There are no guidelines for the treatment of transsexuals, nor are there any for treating intersex individuals. People have no idea what it means to be transgendered. They often misunderstood us for gay men. Even when it comes to the fight against HIV/AIDS, we are most of the time referred to as MSM. They don't know at all. Thats why its up to us to educate them. My fellow trans activists are doing this and even thought the pace is slow, we are headed somewhere.

I sure hope that in the course of time, I shall be telling you all about how I finally got the prescription for estrogens and how excited I am about them. I cant wait!
May you all have a fruitful week ahead!

**Hugs**