Thursday, January 7, 2010

REPERCUSSIONS


When I began my transition about 5 months ago, (wow! Its already been five months!!) I knew what I was getting into. And just to be safe and prepared, I braced myself for the worst. I knew that with my mom being on my side, things would be easier but I still had to put it in my head that things won't be easy as pie. I had many fears about many aspects of my would-be new life. For instance, I knew I'd be forced to move from my house since it would look funny to neighbors seeing this androgynously looking person passing by. I love my house and I didn't wanna move. So I stayed on and braved it up; thinking I will move soon. Now, things are different. Ive never been confronted or anything but I still feel funny each time I leave my house or alight the bus to go to my house. I remember telling myself that I should move and that it wasn't wise, but each time I thought of house hunting I felt bad. House hunting in Nairobi can be a horrible nightmare. I didn't want to go through it. But definitely every time I am out and in the neighborhood I get that funny feeling. I hear people commenting behind my back but I ignore it. Like today, I was in heels and I was passing by one of the garages when after passing I heard one guy ask the other 'is that a woman or a man?'. I never look back. I often get a slight shiver when I hear such comments only seconds after ive passed by but I always just try to ignore them. As of this moment, I am still there. Five months down the line. I keep telling myself “surely they must have gotten used to me?”. I know that may sound foolish, but to be honest, I want to move, not because of the surroundings but to a better house.




It pains me a lot knowing that my aunt, who I considered a very good mentor and role model, was not as open minded as I thought. She is the one I blogged about here. I think she didn't like the fact that I even put her word here. But I said to myself, if people don't see what we go through, how else are they gonna know why we do what we do? Even when reading articles like this one, its so true that its hard for people to fully understand what we go through if they are not going through it themselves. Its even harder, very hard, for those who still have a challenge in accepting your newly revealed existing reality. I love my aunt. The other day I tried to call her and when she picked up the phone I said “its your new niece” and she answered (rather flatly)”i don't have a new niece”. It hurt me. It hurt me real bad. I don't know if she feels bad me writing about her in my blog, (she knows I blog) but I just have to share this so people get to see the real picture. Transition isn't a bed of roses. For my elder relatives, they insist that I have a demon and I need exorcism. They even asked one of my cousins to take me to a revered pastor known for casting out demons on tv. It pains me, but I understand them. It took me a real while to come to terms with this and it wasn't before years of prayer and fasting.
Yes. I did pray and fast about this and I did it for years. I don't know if even my mother knows about this but its true. During my late years in primary school, right after I got saved/born again, I prayed feverently for God to choose a clear path for me. I asked Him several times to tell me which side I belong to. Most of my prayers were instigated by the fact that I was constantly teased for being different. A girly-boy. A sissy as the Americans say. 'Kasupuu' was my nick name back then. It means 'sweet one' in sheng, a kind of slang in Kenya. Even then, I still had admirers. Boys who would take any chance they got to fondle me. Not my pps, but any other place. Even then I still flirted a lot with the ones I liked. And played games with girls mostly and not boys. Only when I was older and saved did I try to change. I tried playing football, didn't work. I tried sagging, failed miserably. I ensured I was around 'macho boys' to see if some of it could rub off on me, they called me even more names. Eventually, coupled with the fact that I was being raped by another boy in my dorm, I got ulcers and sunk into deep stress. Doctors could not fathom the idea of a 12 year old boy being stressed! And of course I couldn't possibly tell them of my 'split personality'.




As the years went by I tried to come to terms with it. Puberty hit and voices started to break. It was devastating. I remember telling my mom I had started growing hips and she didn't get it. I was hinting to her what I had known about me. She still didn't get it. Then I told her of my crush in high school(i schooled in an all boys school). She down played it saying that the crush was due to the fact that I never had a father around. I reminded her that I had been in boarding school almost all through my young life but she would hear non of it. I went ahead to find out what was wrong with me. Still I was praying, now even fasting. It still weighed heavily on me. I blamed my drop in grades to it (in primary I was very good-top 5). Then that last year of form four a story came out that I was having relationships with boys in school. They were true but they were blown out of proportion. It was a harrowing 9 months of schooling. But I made it through. I thank God for that and even for now. I thank Him for the protection He has been giving me and continues to freely give me up to now.
I miss my old life; about 20% of it. Now, life is so much easier. Granted its a bit harder, seeing that I have to 'pass' as a girl and not cause a stir when I'm out in public but yet still, its better than before. I look forward to better things to come. I am almost beginning my estrogens and my Orchiectomy is also in the offing. I am kinda scared but excited at the same time. One, because its a scary thing to do surgery. Two, because I shall finally be rid of all male hormones! Three, because I shall begin feminizing my body. These make me happy. As you all know, transsexuals don't feel okay with the way their bodies developed (I don't like saying they hate their bodies because for me, I love my body-it only needs a bit of work!) and therefore anything that alters their bodies for good is a mighty leap into happiness and contentment. If you are one of those people who still have their reservations about someone changing their bodies or stuff like that, think of it this way. This is a person who knows for sure, without a doubt, that they will not function properly as human beings the way they are. Since it is known for a fact that other methods have failed, and that the only successful one is transition(same link), then you try and put yourself in my shoes. Most people will tell you “if it were me, I would continue living and deal with it. I would let God handle it”. Fine, I agree, but I, being one to question, will ask the simple question. “What next?”. I never said I wouldn't do it, I'm just saying that I would continue being tormented inside. Again, I consider myself straight. The idea of being gay just wouldn't swallow properly. God has shown me that I can live a full life and still be His child. Granted, my views on Christianity is that most of it its full of fundamentalism that tends to forget God!
I never intended for this post to be long so I hope I am forgiven. Taking it easy will be something I will have to embrace.



Love U all!

3 comments:

Shauna said...

Lindsay,
As for your Aunt, since she doesn't wish to understand your wants give her my link to my video. After viewing my video people tend to understand more on how we think. As for everyone else, it is you that makes the decisions and don't let them tease you after all you are still human. If you need anything let me know, I have been doing this transition on and off for 48 years, all because of monies slowing me down. Or have her read this, it is two parts. http://shaunabaggett.blogspot.com/2008/05/part-one-beautiful-baby-is-born.html and http://shaunabaggett.blogspot.com/2008/05/part-two-journey-begins.html

You take care hon, we all watch our sisters and brothers in the community.

Denis Nzioka said...

Lindsay, I believe that you are a pace-setter and I am really proud to know that you can do it. Of course, challenges and repercussions are bound to follow but as long as you keep your head high and keep on going, then you have nothing to worry about.

After all, you are not alone. You have many people with you. If you look beside you, I am there. This I promise you. Mwah.

Lindsay said...

Shauna,
Thanks so much for your support. I dont know what to say. My family will someday understand and if not, atleast it tolerates. I cannot dictate what they will do but I shall continue with my life. Your experience is interesting. I think for you people (and especially here in Kenya) would understand you better than they would me since yours is more physical. For me and many like me, people think we are just gay people who want to go for the extreme.

Denis,
I have no words. Thank you so much.

With Love.

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