Tuesday, March 9, 2010

On Middle Ground

After days of "missing in action" I have unleashed yet another story out of me. I actually submitted this to one of our local magazines for print and I can't wait to see it come out! So here it is.

Primary school in Kenya is known for having kids. Young kids who, just as they approach standard 6, 7 or 8, start entering the puberty age, also known as adolescence. But I don't want to delve into the nitty gritty details of this since (I assume) you already know them and most likely have gone through them. So let me just get onto my purpose for this story.

Classes were a drag and I had just joined standard six. It was supposed to be a fresh feeling I had but rather it was kind of dull. Why? Time was dragging itself by, I wasn't feeling the 'odijos' and quite frankly I was moody. The days went by and the months sped through. I was happy about that.

Cheeks. I loved cheeks. Pinching them that is. And the ones I liked belonged to boys. Hmm… romance in primary? Not quite. But in my primary? Oh yes! It was all over. I was in class six and so duuh! My puberty started to kick in. Hey! Guys were noticing so why not entertain them. But wait! We were in the same dorm! How is that? Well, let me let that go for now. At least that means they are closer, right? They liked it. That's what they said. They loved it when I pinched their cheeks. It wasn't painful. It was soft and sweet. Very sweet. And they were a few. I didn't pinch just anyone. I selected them. The ones I liked. The ones that got my attention. They looked great. Very handsome. No girls. The girls were like me. I didn't want to pinch their cheeks.

I wanted to play with the girls. They were nice to me. We understood each other. Completed each others sentences. Made fun of one another. But some of them didn't like me. They said I belonged on the other side. I didn't understand. They pointed at me. Laughed at me. Teased me. Telling me I am not like them. I still didn't understand. I tried to ignore them. Somehow it worked. So I sticked with the ones who understood me. We had fun. Played 'kalongolongo' and 'kati' and 'bladders'. I was good at these game. Sometimes better than my friends. Then some boys would come and they would laugh at me. I frowned at them. They laughed harder. Teased me. It felt bad. I ignored them too. I liked playing with the girls.

I couldn't say the same for the boys. I did try playing with them. Football was their game. I joined them at one time. It felt good. I thought I could impress them. Try to belong. It didn't work. I was horrible. No, terrible! I even sagged my shorts. Tried talking with a base voice. Tried all manner of male swagger and it didn't work. I couldn't understand why it never worked. It just didn't. it was depressing. Stressing. But I did not want that to happen to me. I knew the consequences of being depressed.

With all the stress, I took my depressed self to the Lord. I prayed. I made those so called fervent prayers to God. I believed there must have been something terribly wrong with me but I couldn't understand what it was. Cliché? Maybe. But see, I was okay. I just needed to know which side. I was on middle ground. It was depressing. Even after years of continuous battering of heavenly doors, no clear answers came. Only comforts. I couldn't get it. Eventually I gave up.

Whoa! What a feeling that was. A relief! I stopped worrying. I stopped wondering. I embraced. I accepted. It was the best feeling ever. I started to search. Search for answers. For knowledge. For understanding. I needed to know me. I didn't know me. I didn't understand me. This was urgent. I needed to keep my new feeling ablaze. I needed to be at peace with me. Then I discovered it. The truth, or close to it. That which told my story from my head. It was like reading my mind!

I am gender dysphoric[*].

[*] Gender Dysphoria is a condition in which an individual identifies with a physical sex that is different from their biological one. Also known as a Transsexual.


purpledew said...

Lindsay im rooting for you!!!! I would have let you play kati with me! i was a star! lol

Lindsay said...

Thanks for rooting :)

Though I would have beaten you hand down!! I was a pro!

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