Monday, August 16, 2010

Dilemma, Dilemma, Dilemma!

i have a new dilemma.

i have shared out this blog to most of my close friends and relatives and now most of them follow it religiously, i guess to know more about my life and its ups and downs.

problem is, i am no longer anonymous!

there are certain things id like to shed off but i simply can. i dont want those "haiya" looks coming from them when i meet them *sigh*

wish it were easier aki. truly do.

nowadays all i write is short posts with paragraphs of about one or two sentences tops. is it fair? i dont think so.

here is a solution to this particular paragraph. i will mix it up. no breaking it down. let it flow. lets see how it goes. i dont write much so i guess the sentences will be short. someone said you can actually write about virtually anything. oh and one thing popped into my head. is there a similarity between my two blogs? can one who follows both be able to see that this is one and the same person even if i (try to) write about completely different things on both? can they? 

reminds me again. i met a new trans girl. shes sweet. tall slender and has hips! omg! that was crazy! coz she's all androgynous and one can't really tell if she's a he or she. kinda reminds me of my hey days (hehe "hey days"... i like that!). but she's sweet and young. i told her what to do. about transitioning and stuff. i told her that she needs to be completely ready before she does anything. she asked me to help her buy meds (hormones) which i did gladly but not after a serious pep talk (in a noisy bar over some novida!)! i made her understand that for one its damn expensive especially because she has to deal with the testosterone in her body - which by the way is very very feminine! - and then some. i also told her that she'd have to keep things under wraps as she is going to college and all. seeing that she will still be forced to identify as male, then she'd have to stick to being androgynous.

my other dilemma, something i must have mentioned before, is men. oh men oh men! i get hit on all the time nowadays. ALL THE TIME! fine, it feels good n all but it makes me sad. why? because its hard being me. am still scared they might see something in me! something "they can't quite put a finger on"! yep. still freaks me out. like dancing with dudes then its kinda sensual and hands travel to places and....omg what am i writing! ok lemme finish...hands travel...and then maybe ...a slip...and omg what the hell is that between...STOP! <-- I DONT WANT THAT! i am sccaaaarreeed of that! okay lets say that doesnt really happen. but what if this dude is totally into me and now "wants to know me more"...what do i do? what do i tell them? i try throwing the "gay card" (tell them am pro-gay n stuff) and see their reaction. if the dude is like "woow! i don't like gays!" then thats the cue for me to run! but they still come back! huh!! now what?!

ok back to my first dilemma..

see, stuff like what i just wrote now feel even harder to write about. feels like am an open book. (which by the way is true when they read my blog...) feels like am trading my life out. opening it to others. wondering if i shall ever have some form of privacy. fine i dont mention about other stuff like what sex position i use or even whether i have sex at all.....which reminds libido? KAPUT!....back...yea. stuff like that. do i write about them? or do i keep them to myself.

you tell me.


1 comment:

benj said...

i hope this helps lindsay...u know how the johari window works
the wider the free area, the lighter healthier and happier you are...inside that is...
the only way to widen the free area is by shrinking the blind area (stuff only other people know abt u)...the hidden area (stuff u only you know abt urself)....and the unknown area (stuff you and others are yet to discover abt u)......this is only possible by u need to keep sharing...but my advice....not with every other acquaintance lindsay...believe you me in this town people can be twisted than you can imagine....keep sharing whats inside with few people who care abt u and who you care abt....period

and dont worry abt wether we readers are dissapointed...yor writing is beautiful....because even the raves and rants do really seem to come straight from the heart...

and you know what bryan adams said about that..."give it to me straaaaaaight frooom the heart....You know i'd never go,
but as long as I know its commin straight from the heart"....

gai...i have to now blogging on your blog.... xoxo

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