I am amazed. I really am. The way things are going now in my life, I simply cannot not be amazed. Life is good. Really. There is no reason for me to complain. Sure, I am a trans and there are troubles that comes with it but, on a more general term, life is quite nice.
I went out on Friday night just after work. Its something I don't do. I went out to meet a friend. Pater Nostra. He was a a bar and had just also come from work. He's such a gentleman. Bought me a drink. I had a good time. I never thought I could do that. I was always the kind to quickly say “pass” when invited to go out just because I didn't like how confused I'd get around people and how sad I felt. Now, thats a different case. I am more confident of myself, more myself than ever before, I feel rejuvenated, like a butterfly out of a cocoon, spreading its wings for the first time... I'm sure some of y'all get me, no?
There is this feeling I craved before. A feeling of belonging. Its that connection you feel within and without. I had always wanted people to see what I saw. I had always felt like I wasn't there. Like I was invisible. Like I was not worth anything. Funny, women want to be noticed. They want to have some approval. I craved for that attention. That noticing. That approval. When it did come, it was not wrapped in the color I wanted. It did not feel the way I wanted it to feel. It wasn't it. It was something else. Something I didn't like. Something I felt seemed wrong. Like a stab in the back. I didn't like that feeling. I never did. Because it was nice words, but nice words that pained me. I took every chance I had to avoid such.
But now things are different. Now I go out and I get the attention. I don't look for it, but I get it. I don't over do anything. I am simple. Yet, I still get it. Some of it. The one I craved for. It nowadays comes. Makes me so happy, no?
Today, some guy in crutches actually stopped to say hi to me. He said, “Sasa Mresh.” i.e. “Hi Beautiful.” ('mresh' is sheng for 'beautiful'). The point here isn't that he's in crutches, (I don't discriminate) but that he noticed. He actually told the guy he was with that he'd say hi. I heard that because he was near the atm I went to withdraw cash from. I went on with my stuff feeling quite nice. Granted this is not the first time I've been told this considering this earlier post, but it still makes me smile. Gives me a nice feeling inside.
On Saturday I went out with my pals and we had fun. I usually don't go out, but its like I've started doing it more often. I like it. And the fact that guys would come up to me and tell me how hot I am makes me cringe sometimes. Not because I don't like them, but just because its amazing how its so much different now compared to before.
I am alive. I am happy. Thats what matters. Someday, somehow, things will get better. People will understand. People will know why. The reason why I don't write much about the going out and stuff, is because I don't want some people to get the wrong idea. Transsexuals don't transition to go out. They don't do it to 'be accepted'. They do it because. Period. Get it? They do it because its who they are. They wish to be themselves. Being accepted is part of it. But the root of it is to be themselves. The person theyve always known they were. Thats how I feel. And I hope, everyday, that our community understands us. Somehow.
Do have a great week y'all!
p.s. I don't know if I said this, but was recently featured in a newspaper article. The article also featured the first ever trans and intersex convening in Kenya.
