YIPPIE! I MADE IT!

I finally did it! I finally crossed the hurdle! I made it through! Yippie! I cant hide my happiness. My joys. Oh the feeling! Its so great!

I finally had my operation done. The Orchidectomy. My two balls are gone! I could never be happier. Yea? That sounds surreal right? Someone talking about losing their balls (no pun intended) and they say they're happy. Well if youve been reading this blog then you do know that I have been saying I will or intend to do it for quite a while now. It was like an obsession. I took time because it had to sink in. I had to know the ins and outs about what the hell I was doing. I had to be sure about exactly what I was getting myself into.

How did it go? Well, I got to the hospital and changed. I filled out the necessary forms and all and then headed to the operating room. OMG! That room was huge! And I wasn't alone. It felt weird being naked even though I had the overalls on. It felt weird being without my breast enhancers and infront of strangers. I didn't know how they'd react. Good thing was that they were really nice about everything and even the assistant made a joke about it saying “now I see why you didn't want to remove your bra...” and he was smiling when saying this.

I was immediately dosed with general anasthesia and fell asleep right there and then. Everything went well and after about an hour and a half I woke up still feeling groggy and having some pains around my groin area. Its still there even now (5 days later) but its far less painful. The doctor made a small vertical inscision down my scrotal tissue and pulled out the balls and cut them off. The cause of the groin pain is because of the pulled ends of the 'lines' that held the balls. They receded into my body and formed a 'ball-like' thing around there and thats what is causing the pain.

So thats how it went. Why did I do it? I did it primarily because I wanted to save myself some cash! See, with my testes still in place, my body is laden with lots of testosterone and we all know that the primary source of that is the testes. So get rid of the testes and you get rid of the testosterone! Had I not done the op, I would be still taking anti-androgens and a lot higher doses of estrogen pills. Now that I have done it, and oh by the way, remember I kept complaining how I still haven't found those estrogen pills? I finally found them! So now that I have the Progynova (estradiol valerate) and I have done the op, I only need a small dose of the estrogen! About half or even less than what I would have required to take before! In essence, looking at an average span of two years, the no-Orchie method whould have cost me about Ksh.200,000 ($2,600) while now, just paying for the orchie (which cost me about Ksh.90,000 or $1,200) and the significantly reduced estrogen pills, the whole thing in two years will be roughly Ksh.103,000 or $1,375 !!! Imagine that! I shall be saving about Ksh.100,000 in the process! Of course thats not the sole reason, but it is one of the primary ones.

There are a whole spectrum of pros and cons about this op I did bur I will not go ahead and tell you in detail, I shall only list a few.

Bilateral Orchiectomy (also know as “an Orchi”)
- this is an out-patient surgical procedure for the removal of the testicals.

Benefits for Trans Women:

• Removes the main production center of Testosterone in the body
• Anti-Androgens can be significantly reduced or stopped entirely after the procedure. This reduces stress on the liver, and eliminates the side effects of long term Anti-Androgen use.
• Because of the lack of testosterone, a break in hormones will not cause back tracking, or de-transitioning.
• Can halt and/or reverse recent hair loss.
• Possible lessening of dysphoria, and increased body image.
• Increased ease in tucking and hiding genitalia under tight clothing.
• Possible reduction of testosterone dependant body hair
• Possible increase of feminizing effects from HRT
• Cost of surgery is between $1,300 –$ 2,000 USD in most states. (updated 2008) this is a significantly easier amount to save than the $10,000 – $30,000 for SRS.

Negatives for Trans Women

• Permanent Sterility
• Possible loss of libido
• Possible hot flashes or other hormonal side effects.
• If SRS is not completed shortly after, the scrotal tissue may shrink and atrophy, resulting in a possible need for a skin graft during SRS.
• Scar tissue may complicate SRS if the incision is done improperly.
• After having an Orchi one will require hormone treatments to maintain levels.
• Surgery always has its risks, including blood clots, infections, or other unforeseen complications.
• The $1,300 could have been used instead to save for SRS.

Its now about 6 days after the surgery and I am still kinda sore. Am healing well (hopefully) and I must say, I do feel so much happier! So much better and I just cannot wait foe the new results to show! I simply cannot wait. I am still shaving my face after every two days and thats one of the things I sincerely hope reduces or better still, vanishes completely!

Wish me the best my friends! Thanks for being there for me and for all the support. I couldn't be this good without you!


XOXO!

The Forseeable.....or not!

Everyone thinks about the future. Even if its tomorrow, or just today in the afternoon. We always wonder, “what next?” or “what will I do later?”. So I often ask myself this question. How will my life be like in the near future? Will I still be with A? Will my aunt and grandparents finally acknowledge me? Will I be able to visit my grandparents in our rural home? Will I be able to sustain myself financially? Will I ever get a job in ordinary companies rather than NGOs? Will I ever have my SRS done? Will it be here in Kenya? So many many questions and its always not an easy thing to do to think about them. A always accuses me of thinking too much. I know its sort of a weakness but I always justify it by saying its the only way I will feel sane; by thinking and re-thinking all my steps. So if I look at some of the questions in my head what shall I be thinking about? Isn't that just another question?

I remember when I started thinking critically about my life and who I was way back in primary school when I was just about 12 yrs old, I remember praying to God telling him to choose a path for me; either boy or girl. Because I felt like I was trapped somewhere in the middle. It wasn't a good feeling at all. I am so glad I am past that. As I read in a friend's blog, making this decision ain't easy. One has to think and re-think it all through, consider all the consequences, both the foreseeable and the not so foreseeable. Honestly, I still have moments where I question the legitimacy of my decicion and its relevance or practicability in my life now and in the time to come. I find I ask myself whether I will be able to handle it all. Then I go back and say that id rather this struggle than the previous misery. Life isn't smooth anyways.

The other day A told me that it would be nice if we would stay together for long. In his words, it would be nice to “grow old together”. Is it just me or do we (when in relationships) sometimes get to that point where we feel like this is it, this is the life I want and nothing else? Yes we do, or so I think. But I (being open-minded and often thinking stuff out on both sides of the coin) also tend to have this thought cross my mind. Don't we also wonder whether this is what we really want and sometimes look over the shoulder while our hands are safely in the other's hands and ask ourselves, “hmm...i wonder whether the grass is greener over there...”. Don't we do that? I do! But (I think) I tend to be different. I tend to stick to the person I am with. I tend to be very faithful and its often just the way I am. I have tried to cheat before and its never something that works. For example, I tried cheating recently but I ended up hating it and not even doing anything at all. All the time my mind was focused on A and how he would hate me if he found out and also how I wish it were him with me and not this other person. Yeah. Life's a bitch like that!

I don't like talking about sex, but when I want to address the SRS topic, it just must be mentioned. I wish I knew how a vajayjay looks like, feels like, smells like, (even tastes like!). Now, don't get me wrong! My inclination didn't change overnight,no. I just am curious. Period. I get tempted to ask one of my gg friends if they can allow me to examnine it properly and see whether this is really what I want. Why? Because sometimes I look down there and wish to myself that it just never was ther. That the only thing that was there was a tiny hole for the urethra. Period. Nothing but. I am not alone. I have a friend (trans) who also feels the same. Probably even trans men feel the same. Other times (most of the times) I wish id have the SRS NOW! Just so id have a reality over my fantasies about it all. Then it still goes back to the question: is intimacy all about penetration? I'm sure I get a slightly sound 'no'. And I know people might beg to differ. Something else I don't say out lound (simply because I feel it ain't none of anyone's biz) is the fact that I don't engage in anal sex. I just find it uncomfortable. There I said it. Maybe someone can nicely describe a vajayjay to me and maybe I will have a clue (if any!).

Hope I can get to write more on stuff that is bugging me about the foreseeable (not) future!

*Looove!*