And Life Goes On

in my urge to update my readers, i posted something i shouldn't have. so those who are subscribed probably found a link and then it went broken. i apologize for that.

basically things are going on okay. work is excessive. as in there is so much to do. A and i are going on easy. i cannot express how he makes me feel :) my social life is ish ish. not so much. the only thing, as i mentioned in my last post, that bores me is that i always am very cautious and wonder when and if its the right time to tell about my status. or even whether or not its important.

anyhoo...

sometimes i wonder if in 5 years i will look back and smile..

i bet i will!

take care dears, sorry for the reeealy short post!

Dilemma

I am in a dilemma. I'm torn between being me and revealing the truth about me. I have friends who know my trans status, I have those who don't and still I have those who suspect it. I am in a dilemma. My dilemma is them – the ones who don't know or I haven't told – finding out that I am trans. I have no clue how they will take the news. I have no idea if they will be fine with it or not. Its just so confusing.
Life has been smooth and okay of late. My job is going well and my relationship with A is simply great. As in...in a nutshell, step by step, the things I've always dreamed of are taking place. Just a few things I need to sort out.

My identity. As I said earlier, I am an alien. I don't have an ID. The ID that I have looks nothing like me, at all! I have applied for something called a Deed Poll that is to notify the government and the general public that from day so and so I relinquish the use of the name so and so (male name) and begin using name so and so (preferred name. Preferably gender ambiguous). Because we don't know how the authorities will react if I gave them a female name, I've chosen a gender neutral one. My two kikuyu names. That way, its easier to pass. However the process is taking long and am getting impatient. I still don't have a passport and I really need one. I like what Audrey Mbugua and her organisation are doing for us. She is making it known in the public that we, the transgender community in Kenya are being neglected and the current laws don't allow us to change our genders. At least we can change names. If only it were easier. Anyway, I shall have to wait.

On the dilemma issue, I will see how to sort it out. There is always a way out right?

p.s. Sometimes I just wish I could know what my high school colleagues thought about me back then. I wonder...

I Love You MOM!

End of June. Begin July. Hmmm. What have I been up to this month? Well honestly, as I have mentioned before, I am getting more and more cofused about what I should write here and what I shouldn't. Its kind of frustrating if I may say since I do want to write is just that sometimes you don't get that inspiration. I guess its the writer's block thingy. We ain't all writers anyway.

This month I marked the second month since I began my hormones. I feel great. Relaxed. Easy. Even despite a few challenges here and there, the feeling is good. I am relatively happy. My relationship with A is smooth. Sometimes I think being with an older person is better. I tend to think that I am way older than my age! He's a good guy. He's easygoing, calm, reserved, talkative, funny, understanding, very understanding and most importantly, he's got my heart. I admit I do love him. And yes, don't scold me for not talking about him. I don't think its important. Unless someone tells me why I should. Do we have issues? Yes. Who doesn't! But we get along quite well. He makes me happy and that's it. The only fear I have is that this feeling will fade away. But every time I see him the feeling is strong. Its like a thermometer. Every time I see him or even just think about him the mecury rises. And I have no doubts. Anyhoo, I am thankful and grateful for having him near me and being mine. I am also thankful that we are good and have a strong relationship. By the way, August we will be marking our 1st anniversary!

Oh my Mom! Mommy is great as always, even better sometimes. I cannot express in words how much I love my mother. She means the world to me. She comes first in everything. Then A comes next. They are the two most important people in my life right now. I don't know where id be without them! Please note, I am not dismissing other close friends and family here, I am just saying those who are closest to my heart at the moment. I simply love my mom. I think even that word 'love' isn't enough. Its far from enough. If she's reading this,... Mom, you mean the world to me. I know that's cliché but enyewe there ain't no other way I could say it. Lemme dedicate this song to you.

A Song For Mama
You taught me everything
And everything you've given me
I always keep it inside
You're the driving force in my life, yeah


There isn't anything
Or anyone I can be
And it just wouldn't feel right
If I didn't have you by my side


You were there for me to love and care for me
When skies were grey
Whenever I was down
You were always there to comfort me
And no one else can be what you have been to me
You'll always be you always will be the girl
In my life for all times




[Chorus: ]
Mama, mama you know I love you
Oh you know I love you
Mama, mama you're the queen of my heart
Your love is like
Tears from the stars
Mama, I just want you to know
Lovin' you is like food to my soul


You're always down for me
Have always been around for me even when I was bad
You showed me right from my wrong
Yes you did


And you took up for me
When everyone was downin' me
You always did understand
You gave me strength to go on


There was so many times
Looking back when I was so afraid
And then you come to me
And say to me I can face anything
And no one else can do
What you have done for me
You'll always be
You will always be the girl in my life


[Chorus ]

Take care people. And remember, love makes every difference!

The Forseeable.....or not!

Everyone thinks about the future. Even if its tomorrow, or just today in the afternoon. We always wonder, “what next?” or “what will I do later?”. So I often ask myself this question. How will my life be like in the near future? Will I still be with A? Will my aunt and grandparents finally acknowledge me? Will I be able to visit my grandparents in our rural home? Will I be able to sustain myself financially? Will I ever get a job in ordinary companies rather than NGOs? Will I ever have my SRS done? Will it be here in Kenya? So many many questions and its always not an easy thing to do to think about them. A always accuses me of thinking too much. I know its sort of a weakness but I always justify it by saying its the only way I will feel sane; by thinking and re-thinking all my steps. So if I look at some of the questions in my head what shall I be thinking about? Isn't that just another question?

I remember when I started thinking critically about my life and who I was way back in primary school when I was just about 12 yrs old, I remember praying to God telling him to choose a path for me; either boy or girl. Because I felt like I was trapped somewhere in the middle. It wasn't a good feeling at all. I am so glad I am past that. As I read in a friend's blog, making this decision ain't easy. One has to think and re-think it all through, consider all the consequences, both the foreseeable and the not so foreseeable. Honestly, I still have moments where I question the legitimacy of my decicion and its relevance or practicability in my life now and in the time to come. I find I ask myself whether I will be able to handle it all. Then I go back and say that id rather this struggle than the previous misery. Life isn't smooth anyways.

The other day A told me that it would be nice if we would stay together for long. In his words, it would be nice to “grow old together”. Is it just me or do we (when in relationships) sometimes get to that point where we feel like this is it, this is the life I want and nothing else? Yes we do, or so I think. But I (being open-minded and often thinking stuff out on both sides of the coin) also tend to have this thought cross my mind. Don't we also wonder whether this is what we really want and sometimes look over the shoulder while our hands are safely in the other's hands and ask ourselves, “hmm...i wonder whether the grass is greener over there...”. Don't we do that? I do! But (I think) I tend to be different. I tend to stick to the person I am with. I tend to be very faithful and its often just the way I am. I have tried to cheat before and its never something that works. For example, I tried cheating recently but I ended up hating it and not even doing anything at all. All the time my mind was focused on A and how he would hate me if he found out and also how I wish it were him with me and not this other person. Yeah. Life's a bitch like that!

I don't like talking about sex, but when I want to address the SRS topic, it just must be mentioned. I wish I knew how a vajayjay looks like, feels like, smells like, (even tastes like!). Now, don't get me wrong! My inclination didn't change overnight,no. I just am curious. Period. I get tempted to ask one of my gg friends if they can allow me to examnine it properly and see whether this is really what I want. Why? Because sometimes I look down there and wish to myself that it just never was ther. That the only thing that was there was a tiny hole for the urethra. Period. Nothing but. I am not alone. I have a friend (trans) who also feels the same. Probably even trans men feel the same. Other times (most of the times) I wish id have the SRS NOW! Just so id have a reality over my fantasies about it all. Then it still goes back to the question: is intimacy all about penetration? I'm sure I get a slightly sound 'no'. And I know people might beg to differ. Something else I don't say out lound (simply because I feel it ain't none of anyone's biz) is the fact that I don't engage in anal sex. I just find it uncomfortable. There I said it. Maybe someone can nicely describe a vajayjay to me and maybe I will have a clue (if any!).

Hope I can get to write more on stuff that is bugging me about the foreseeable (not) future!

*Looove!*

LIFE GOES ON(2)

Yes, nothing major has happened in my life. Its like I faded into normalcy of girlhood. Still getting the hang of it-being a girl in Nairobi. I love my life. Its easy, manageable and yes, no more pretence. I am so happy. Reminds me of the movie Transamerica where the trans lady, Bree tells the guy from the American Psychiatric (something) whether he finds it interesting that a surgery can cure someone of a mental condition! Well, okay, for me it ain't anything surgical but the fact that I live as me (finally!) is very exciting.

Life as a girl is interesting. Its different from what I had imagined but I cannot rule out the fact that it still is me living. Nothing much has changed. If anything, I am still the same, only dress and look differently. Something I have to keep reminding A about since he was very much concerned about this whole transition thing changing me into “those women” that he doesn't like.

There is some good news though, I finally got a house! Yes! I'm moving by the end of the week and I am ecstatic! Its larger than what I had before and better. But with most things, not everything is spic and span, there are small flaws here and there and some stuff I will have to change up. But all in all I am glad and happy. Things are going better. When me and my mom went to pay for the house, I remember her telling me that she ensured she had gotten all the pronouns and names correctly when talking to the owner so that she doesn't make any mistakes! I really love my mom! She makes things easier :). Can't thank her enough.

And with all this, I pen off. Until another day people. Thanks for being there for me; couldn't have done it without you.

*Hugs!*

LIFE GOES ON...

When I sat down to write this post, I couldn't help but ask myself how come I haven't posted anything since last Monday. Its been a week. One thing that I remember telling myself during the week was that I really didn't have anything much to say. Last week was smooth and simple. Nothing much happened. But I will say one or two things that happened here and there.

My doctor had asked me to have an ultrasound to see if I have internal ovaries and I went and did it. Turns out I don't have any. Everything is intact, “just as a man's anatomy should be”, said the examiner. (I have paraphrased). Of course this wasn't something id want to hear. A had made a joke that if I was indeed with internal ovaries, he'd make me pregnant and marry me ASAP! That was funny. He's rationale was that it would be easy to convince people that I was indeed female with them than the way it is now. So too bad. At least I never put it into my head that the chance was high; I knew it wasn't possible. But I couldn't help but wonder how it would have been to have such. Could I have had babies at last? My! Its something I always dream about-having babies. Something I wonder whether I will be able to handle-motherhood. I tell my friends id want/wish to be able to get pregnant and experience the joys(and pains) of child-bearing; motherhood. But I am still young. Lets see what happens.

I had stopped taking anti-androgens since I was planning to have my Orchidectomy but I am now back on them. This is because I decided to post pone the surgery to a date that I would be comfortable with. January was too demanding both physically and financially. So in a few days I will also be starting my estrogen. I have booked an appointment with the doctor and I just simply cant wait for them :).

In general, life has been easy. At home there has been no qualms, I still haven't moved houses though I still think I should move (I think I'm just lazy!). Work is going on well. My relationship with A is fine; maybe even better than before since its growing more and more each day. My family is okay, I still wish I could join them for special occasions. Which reminds me, this past weekend I was invited to my two young cousins' birthday party and I simply couldn't attend. My older cousins invited me and kept asking me why I wasn't showing up but I reminded them that they are older and they know who I am now while the younger ones still have no clue. This also happened again last year when one of my relatives invited me for Christmas lunch and I couldn't go since her husband didn't know that I began a new leaf plus the same young kids also don't know. Which makes me wonder, how do I come out to these young ones? How do I explain to them what happened to me. How do I tell them that I really was a girl but I was dressing as a boy or some story like that. This is such a dilemma for me because it leaves me very little to chose from. Of course when I started my transition I knew that one of the repercussions of doing this was that id lose some of my family and relatives. Simply because they'd find it hard to accept the new me or just to lose the 'boy' they had once known.

This post, like the last one, may sound boring but on a lighter note, I did do something nice last Sunday. I went out!and one thing happened that I never expected. I was hit on by a chic... and i liked it! Kinda reminded me of that song by Katey Perry-I kissed a girl and I liked It. It was a gay party on a Sunday and turn out was really low. My spontaneity got the best of me and so I put on my stilettos and went there to celebrate with my queer friends. She was a butch lesbian and she liked me. She saw me in the ladies room area and told me how hot I was. Then later at the bar counter she came to me with her butch lesbian friend and told me “you're really hot. are you gay?” i reply, “well, i date men, but you never know about women!” Haha! I was laughing inside. It was really nice! Mama mia! gosh the stilettos hurt my feet! I told myself I'm wasn't going to wear any high shoes again that week!

**Great week Y'all!!!**