RE-MIXYBLOG IT!

The other day I was going through my old posts and just by looking at them, I tell my self, “Dayum! Girl! Youve come a loong way!”

So just so you have a peek, lemme share my 2008 posts with you. Makes me love myself all over again! :D. from the first one to the las one.

My first post ever! Thursday, May 8, 2008

HERE I AM – BLACK AND WHITE

I’m bare. I’m bold. I’m here and I’m all that! See the thing is I want to share all I am and all I have to offer to the whole world. I don’t know if its gonna go that far, but atleast I shall be myself here and pour out all my joys and my frustrations. So don’t be alarmed if you see some crazy chic going on about some guy and what he did or did not do to her! Soon enough you'll find out that I’m very open about stuff and will be willing to share it all – BLACK AND WHITE!!

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

LETA STORO! (Bring the story!)

So here’s the deal. Today I'm gonna start by saying that I will be putting stuff about my life here since I'm looking for a place I can share my life with other people and especially those who wont judge me because of who I REALLY AM!!

Im like twenty sumthin, light skinned, black hair, 5’5, and all the otha stuff will come along as we go, ama? So for tudei, lemme leave it at that then tutaongea(we will talk) very soon coz I cant ait to share with you hot juici stuff about my life…be prepared!

p.s. I just have to tell you. I hope I don spill so much beans mpaka at one point I become too hilarious or boring at the same time so plis…go ahead…blast me silly!!

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

BACK ON TRACK

Yet another day and this time I start with a lighter note. Lots of stuff has happened since may 15th, but now am starting to get back on track. I have neglected God’s power in my life and decided to follow my own. I have a small text id like to put in for you, so that atleast I can also be happy sharing this with all of you.

We shall definitely catch up later, friends.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

TIS BRRRRH!! IN NAI!

Hey. It’s a new week and damn its cold!! I mean temperatures in nairobi have gone to like 8 degrees or sumthin!! Gaawsh!! Anyways, lemme giv u tha down low on wats happenin here.

So today im gonna start by revealing that im a somewhat different kind of a person. Im the kind of person you would love to hate!! Ooh how lovely!! Okay. What I mean is, im a nice young girl in Nairobi trying to make sure I live life to the fullest. The only issue with me is that my feminity is only inwards for now. Im saying this because I actually live my life here in tao as a dude!! Yup! You heard right. But you see its not the way you think. All my life ive felt different and blah blah blah! Im sure you surfers have come across some sobby ol storo like mine.

Lemme stop there for tudei. Im surely gonna fill you in with more wen I return.

Ciao!!

Friday, June 20, 2008

REVELATIONS

Okay the word sounds like I’m gonna give some sermon on the future and mysteries of the Armageddon!! But it ain't that. All I wanna do today is give you a little revelation on what I said earlier; that I wanna tell ya all there is to know about me. But before that lemme just put this across clearly. This ain’t fo-sho. This is for all who are out there and are experiencing what I’m going through.

So as I said earlier, I’m a very unique person. Unique in this sense; I’m not what people think I am. I’m more of a two sided person. What I’m getting at is when I started realizing who I am and when a child reaches that stage where he/she can rationalize stuff about themselves, I got to discover something. I am not a guy. Yes, I was indeed born as a bouncing baby boy, but after some years, this boy never was! I’m sure those reading this have come across something like this somewhere. The thing is, I noticed some behaviours in me that were not actually inclined towards boyhood and it wasn’t tied to the fact that I intermingled a lot with those of the opposite sex, it just happened.

Lemme fill you in with more next time. Have a lovely day, will you!

Saturday, June 21, 2008

REVELATIONS PART TWO

Ooh!! Scary!! Well it ain’t part of a scary movie, nor is it a story. I jst want to continue from where I left.

As I was saying, I'm this kind of a person who wasn’t really sure of what he/she was. See, there I am using both words since I was confused. Here I was, young and everyone refers to me as a boy, but deep inside I felt things were very different. I was confused! I couldn’t share this with my mom, she was a very strict mother so I was scared of what she would think.

Time went by and my feelings grew stronger and stronger. I still could feel something was amiss and I just couldn’t understand what was going on in my life.

Saturday, July 19, 2008

MORE!!

So I decided to see what I could do about what I was feeling. Clearly there was something I just couldn’t put my finger on. After realizing that I was different, I tried as much as I could to ‘fix’ what I had thought was my own mistake. I started trying to adjust my behaviours to suit what i thought was the correct behaviours. i just was so confused!

Monday, July 28, 2008

BITS AND PIECES

Today I just wanted to let you know a little more about what I did in order to be satisfied. And when I say satisfied I mean just to be okay with what was going on in my life. After realizing that I was different and that I might not be able to change anything about it I decided to embrace it and become everything there was about it. I just made up my mind not to fuss around about what I couldn’t change and just embrace it and take life as it comes. Of course this was something that never went away and it kept looming over my head since it was a part of me. So I made up my mind to find out exactly what I was going through and that’s when I turned to the internet for information. Being one who was so passionate about movies I had watched a lot of TV programs that dwelt on the topic of gayness and trans-ism. I had an idea but it was my research on the topic through the internet that opened my mind and gave me explanations as to what was going on. I couldn’t believe it myself.

Hope it wasn't too long and/or too boring.

Love Y'all!! *Mwah!*

The Forseeable.....or not!

Everyone thinks about the future. Even if its tomorrow, or just today in the afternoon. We always wonder, “what next?” or “what will I do later?”. So I often ask myself this question. How will my life be like in the near future? Will I still be with A? Will my aunt and grandparents finally acknowledge me? Will I be able to visit my grandparents in our rural home? Will I be able to sustain myself financially? Will I ever get a job in ordinary companies rather than NGOs? Will I ever have my SRS done? Will it be here in Kenya? So many many questions and its always not an easy thing to do to think about them. A always accuses me of thinking too much. I know its sort of a weakness but I always justify it by saying its the only way I will feel sane; by thinking and re-thinking all my steps. So if I look at some of the questions in my head what shall I be thinking about? Isn't that just another question?

I remember when I started thinking critically about my life and who I was way back in primary school when I was just about 12 yrs old, I remember praying to God telling him to choose a path for me; either boy or girl. Because I felt like I was trapped somewhere in the middle. It wasn't a good feeling at all. I am so glad I am past that. As I read in a friend's blog, making this decision ain't easy. One has to think and re-think it all through, consider all the consequences, both the foreseeable and the not so foreseeable. Honestly, I still have moments where I question the legitimacy of my decicion and its relevance or practicability in my life now and in the time to come. I find I ask myself whether I will be able to handle it all. Then I go back and say that id rather this struggle than the previous misery. Life isn't smooth anyways.

The other day A told me that it would be nice if we would stay together for long. In his words, it would be nice to “grow old together”. Is it just me or do we (when in relationships) sometimes get to that point where we feel like this is it, this is the life I want and nothing else? Yes we do, or so I think. But I (being open-minded and often thinking stuff out on both sides of the coin) also tend to have this thought cross my mind. Don't we also wonder whether this is what we really want and sometimes look over the shoulder while our hands are safely in the other's hands and ask ourselves, “hmm...i wonder whether the grass is greener over there...”. Don't we do that? I do! But (I think) I tend to be different. I tend to stick to the person I am with. I tend to be very faithful and its often just the way I am. I have tried to cheat before and its never something that works. For example, I tried cheating recently but I ended up hating it and not even doing anything at all. All the time my mind was focused on A and how he would hate me if he found out and also how I wish it were him with me and not this other person. Yeah. Life's a bitch like that!

I don't like talking about sex, but when I want to address the SRS topic, it just must be mentioned. I wish I knew how a vajayjay looks like, feels like, smells like, (even tastes like!). Now, don't get me wrong! My inclination didn't change overnight,no. I just am curious. Period. I get tempted to ask one of my gg friends if they can allow me to examnine it properly and see whether this is really what I want. Why? Because sometimes I look down there and wish to myself that it just never was ther. That the only thing that was there was a tiny hole for the urethra. Period. Nothing but. I am not alone. I have a friend (trans) who also feels the same. Probably even trans men feel the same. Other times (most of the times) I wish id have the SRS NOW! Just so id have a reality over my fantasies about it all. Then it still goes back to the question: is intimacy all about penetration? I'm sure I get a slightly sound 'no'. And I know people might beg to differ. Something else I don't say out lound (simply because I feel it ain't none of anyone's biz) is the fact that I don't engage in anal sex. I just find it uncomfortable. There I said it. Maybe someone can nicely describe a vajayjay to me and maybe I will have a clue (if any!).

Hope I can get to write more on stuff that is bugging me about the foreseeable (not) future!

*Looove!*

THEM DAYS...

I was rummaging through my old stuff and I came across a journal I wrote when I was having one of 'them days'. I had lots of those. And one way that helped me get through them was through writing down my thoughts, feelings and emotions. Kinda like what I'm doing here. So here it is.

This day was difficult. Something happened and suddenly my peace of mind went blah! I just don't know whats wrong with me. I'm so moody!!! Just now, I smsed my drama director that I will be quitting drama! Just imagine! He has just replied telling me to persevere for a while but I'm telling you the way I feel isn't normal! I don't know whats wrong. I just feel so bad. Everytime I try to be happy I am reminded of my reality; that for me to be true to myself and be happy I have to be myself, and thats not possible right now. Its so saddening. Its so sickening. Makes me feel like cursing the day I was born and altogether giving up on life! Aargh!! I'm saddened sometimes to think that maybe this is what I put on myself. I let this happen to me. Ive always felt pretty and beautiful and today its not like that. Today I'm sad. I'm down. I'm deeply confused, heartbroken, angry, all those mixed feelings! Nowadays I feel like I've lost my glow, the one I had back in high school when I was being hit on my guys knowing perfectly well that it was a boy school! I feel like the manly look is improving by the day. I'm no longer noticeable and even that photo I took of myself looks weird now! Huh! I keep telling myself everyday that I am beautiful both inside and out. I guess it will wade off. These feelings shall go and I will continue with life. But how will it be? I know too well what I am capable of. But I cannot achieve much because I keep holding back. I keep looking over the shoulder. Trying so hard to hide my true self. Trying so hard not to be affected by what people say about me when they see me doing something 'awkward'. I keep reminding myself of my acting skills. I can act like a boy. It will be okay. Even if I'm not one, I can act like one. Maybe it will sink in. The manliness. The masculinity that I so lack. Maybe I will find a way to live this way. Maybe, just maybe. Despite the saying about wishes, I only wish I was on one side. Male or female. Like I would wake up one day and it will be well. That my faith in God somehow makes it happen or someone somewhere gets a sort of vision and makes a prayer and voila! I'm free!! I wish... oh I wish!

It ended that way. Most of it is edited. Some things I couldn't put here. But its what I felt then. About four years ago, when I had just cleared from high school.

A NEW BEGINNING!!

Hey guys. In case you haven't noticed, its been a while since I last made a post. Actually its almost a month isn't it? Anyway, I really have missed you peeps and really do hope that y'all have been okay. I just realised recently that I can actually type really fast and without looking at the keyboard. I guess its your average case of 'practice makes perfect. The only problem is that I still haven't learnt how to use all my fingers for typing so I tend to get tired easily and faster.

Okay. Let me not bore you with small stuff!! Its now official! Lindsay has finally come out as herself!! Hip hip, HORRAY!!! I sure hope y'all are happy for me! And its all thanks to the job I got as an assistant at an NGO that accepts my kind!!!! What happened is that I applied and they wanted someone from the LGBTI community and they called me, gave me an interview and finally called back to tell me that I was successful and voila! I'm at the new job! Now the tricky part is that I applied as myself, as in my female self and not as the 'fake' male that people knew. So I knew I had to act fast! That weekend was weird! First of all I had to do the handing over at my old place. They kept asking where the hell I was going but I definitely could not tell them exactly where I was going and especially not that I was now going there as the real me! None of them knew what went about me and I never wanted them to know. So after the handing over and the sorry goodbyes the weekend came and then I remembered, CLOTHES!! I DONT HAVE ANY CLOTHES!! As in I don't have many female clothes! All this time I kept telling myself that I'm ready to come out but I guess I forgot that the first day is very important! Anywho, that weekend I went out and bought a few clothes that I felt were not too feminine but would still show that I was a girl. It was exciting to finally buy girl clothes! I had dreamt of it and even though the first day wasn't as I had pictured it, I'm pretty sure my day will come! Since I didnt have enough cash, I only got a few stuff. I also approached my cousins for assistance but then again, female bodies are different and thus the clothing dilemma!

Monday came and I for the first time ever, I came out of my house as ME! It was the scariest feeling I had ever had! First of all, I was scared of my neighborhood. I knew I wasn't that known by people, but seeing that I had really stayed there for a while, people around must have known my face from here and there. Again, I was afraid of being seen by my building neighbors. They knew me better, probably not by name or anything, but just by knowing that it was I who lived in that house! Thirdly I was afraid of the worst; being discovered and worse still, being embarassed in any way in town. See, I still havent done much with regards to my appearance so basically I still have beard growth marks (I always shave), slightly broadened shoulders, an adams apple (I really hate that thing, but,....) among other things. And again, by that time, I still hadnt pierced my ears so from looking at me, one could tell that there was definitely something going on there! Remember I had mentioned earlier that I always get weird looks from people, wondering whether I was male or female? Now you can imagine how these looks grew more intense, especially when they see a protruding chest (I put on some 'boobs') together with a neck-poking apple and beard marks! I was extremely terrified at what people would do to me.

Somehow, Monday passed on well. In the evening I had my ears pierced, and thankfully I hadnt shaved off my hair so whatever bit I had, I made it up and it looks good enough. Because I'm starting off, I shan't beat myself down. All I'm praying is that I will continue on courageously and fight for my happiness, because to be truly honest, I have never ever felt this happy in my entire life!! The things I used to do in the house, where no one would see me, now I can do them in public, go to work where everyone embraces me for who I am, however weird-looking I might seem to them, going about my things as myself.....it was all but a dream that is now slowly taking shape into reality.

Honestly today I can go on and on and on about the mixed feelings I'm having but I don't want to pour out everything just yet. As it said in my 'about me', I am about to begin hormones. Now I'm editing that part and I'm putting 'I have just began my hormone therapy'! I am experiencing mixed feelings. At one point I'm extremely excited! Then again on the other side I am extremely scared. I am banking on my God given courage and strength that I shall be successful I this thing I'm pursuing. I am happy to know that I have a good number of supporters and it also gives me more greater pleasure to know that where I work they embrace my true self and let me be who I am. The job wont last forever but at least for the time it will be around, I shall utilize it to the fullest.

I will try and dedicate time towards updating this blog frequently because I really want to let people see a true transgender/transsexual's life how it unfolds; from before, during and after hormonal effects and other stuff that might crop up. I also ask my dear ardent readers to please put me in your daily prayers as I pursue this dream of mine and hope that all will be well in this Nairobi for me!

Ciao Amigos! Love ya all!!