Re: Sasa

lol

sorry aleki. im not looking to have sex with someone who just wants to experience a trans girl. that's insulting and demeaning.

i do understand your curiosity though... if i knew a trans sex worker, i would give you her contacts and you can negotiate a price. then you will get to have your "experience with a trans chic".

nice day.

---

From: Aleki XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
To: "kashwiti@yahoo.com" <kashwiti@yahoo.com>
Sent: Monday, September 9, 2013 6:09 AM
Subject: Sasa

Hi, just been reading ur blog. I am an open-minded

guy and wud really luv to experience a Trans chic...
I like the idea dat ur Big clit turns on! wanna play
with it. am not gay. am straight but curious. I promise
to satisfy you fully, discretely tho. pliz get in touch.

cheers

Maybe I Should Just Cut It Off

As I continue to live this life... this relatively new life... my desire for bottom surgery increases. I am increasingly getting restless over this. Over the lack of money, over having to tuck everyday, over having to explain things to new lovers... IT SUCKS!

My friend Veronica told me she didn't have sex with anyone until she did her surgery. I guess I can't be like her. That means I have to deal with 'coming out' issues all the time.

Men are simple. To them it is all about penetration. "If I am not inside you, then it isn't sex."
I don't do anal sex. I do thigh sex.

"Intercrural sex (from "inter-" and Latin "crura", legs), also known as femoral/interfemoral sex/intercourse, is a type of non-penetrative sex, in which a male places his penis between his partner's thighs (often with lubrication^[1]), and thrusts to create friction."

Non-penetrative. That's what they say. But trust me, I always feel like I'm being penetrated. And, I have been told, they too feel like they're penetrating. So it is all about how you feel rather than what the books say, or what your mind tells you, or what you're used to.

Not!

Many men still believe that sex is not sex if it isn't penetrative. If it isn't inside a vagina or anus, it is NOT sex.

Funny.

But that's the reality. The reality I have to deal with every single time. I just want to give up. But I am human. I have urges. It isn't a secret. Let's not pretend I don't have sex. Let's not pretend transgirls don't have sex. We do. But I have to deal with this man who expects a vag but gets something different. Worse still, he gets a girl with 'some dangling meat down there'. Ugh!

That's why sometimes I think, maybe I should just cut it off. It's called Penectomy.

Well... the other option is to stop having sex.

Life goes on....

Why Are Gay Men So Trans-Misogynistic?

This is very weird. You'd think that since someone is a minority, that they understand what it means to be different, that they'd get you.

No.

I've found out that many gay men are super trans-misogynists!!

They simply refuse to understand/accept that we are FEMALE.

The mere fact that I am pre-op renders me MALE. Period. No questions asked. To them, your gender is determined by what you have between your legs. So penis=male, vagina=female.

Since I began referring to "that thing down there" as my big clit (thank you sir :-)) I've gotten a little - little - tolerant of its presence (nuisance) on my body. I've even gotten a little courageous and let my partner touch it - something I could never do before! But back to 'the gays'.

Even the thought of intersex is a no no no for them. You're either a 'penisman' or a 'vaginawoman'.

It disgusts me.

But then again, what can I do other than continue engaging them, talking to them, trying to make them see the world in a more 'queer' way ...

Gay men, be more queer!

XOXO

Lind

Coming Out?

Coming out telling someone you REALLY REALLY LIKE about your medical past/status is so HARD!!!

Anyway, life goes on I guess.

**Hopeful**

XOXO

Lind

Thoughts Today

I'm thinking. And I've been thinking. As usual. Mostly about my dysphoria - my discomfort with the look of my genitals and how that constantly shapes how I think, how I interact with people (esp in public), and so forth.

 

 

To be honest, a lot of it has to do with relationships and relating. Yes, I have met many guys (and girls) who have absolutely no issue with my large clit, but I just can't shake away the thought (and maybe you could say reality) that it is a penis. I can create words for it, and say that it is a clit, since it resides on my body - a female body, but it looks like a penis. Thus, it is one. I lived as male for 22 years. I can't run away from that. I don't look male at all - or so people tell me. But I still see shreds of masculinity in my body. Like the tiny bump on my neck, the remnants of "5 O'clock shadow", the large clit ... the lack of a pussy. All these. They somewhat define how I live life.

 

I like how this gorgeous transwoman puts it in this (not so well interviewed) interview. Amiyah Scott.

 

 

She so pretty!

Pretty Ogre ....

I'm also thinking about how quickly I become undesirable once I reveal the reality of 'what's down there' and my past life. So quickly. It's like a switch.

I meet this guy, we talk, we flirt, we like stuff about each other, he really finds me interesting and intriguing. Until he finds out I have a past life as male. All that is interesting about me suddenly becomes moot. Disappears. Gone. I suddenly am reduced to "that girl has no vagina?" person. Nothing more. Maybe even less/worse.

Now I just want to stop telling them altogether. I may as well remain on my own.

 

 

Maybe I feel that time is passing away and the gender affirming surgery seems so far away ... maybe I am craving a little more.

 

Patience. That's what I'm telling myself. Patience. And focus.

 

It shall come.

 

 

XOXO

Lind.

I Wanna Wear A Bikini!!

I was responding to a comment made by one of my readers Brandi Rae on a previous post"I'm Jealous of Cissexual Women" Here's her comment:

Hi,
I'm so sorry for the extra difficulties, discrimination, and drama you must put up with just because you are trans*. But I wanted to tell you, that the people in your life who decide not to be close to you based on your body meeting their expectations...those are not the people you need to share closeness with. The people who will love you for the woman you are, regardless of the package you're wrapped in...those are the people you need to hold close and not let go. And they are out there, I promise!

I am a ciswoman myself, and I am naturally hetero, mostly interested in men, and I do love cismale anatomy... however, if I loved a man and found him sexy and wanted to be close to him, and then found out he happened to have a V instead of a P, it actually wouldn't be a big deal at all for me. ALL bodies are sacred, all intimacy is a gift and privilege to cherish, and EVERYONE should be able to feel sexy and desirable in the body they have.

So if you wish to have surgery, I hope you can do so, but I hope you're not convinced you need it, just to make a potential partner happy. I hope you would be doing it to make yourself happy.

Remember, that with many surgeries, you might not ever enjoy sex as much, or you may never experience orgasm again, due to nerves being cut or scar tissue, etc. So it's not something you should do just in case your future partner would like it better. YOU are the one who will live in your body forever, so make the decision for YOU. Besides, there are lots of people out there who have no trouble finding a body sexy, because they love who is inside it. I hope you do find them. I wish you so much happiness! Sending internet love and hugs! <3 em="">

My reply to her was:

Hi Brandi,

I think my fear mostly with surgery is about that - loss of sensation and sexual appetite and the like. I hope it doesn't go away since I do do want to have the surgery. And no, it is not for the pleasure of anyone but of my self! I abhor the way my genitals look, feel and behave. I want to be able to wear a bikini and walk around Mombasa beaches without a care in the world. Right now that is but a dream. I have won swimming costumes but it is a one piece with a skirt-like cover around the waist area - to hide any bulges that might protrude.

Thanks for the well wishes though! I know I will find love someday :-)

 While I was making the comment, it reminded me of how Isis King had a hard time when doing photo shoots that required her to be in a bikini. She spoke of how she'd 'keep everything intact' using tape and I'd think to myself "Gosh, I can't do that! Maybe use sanitary pads!" Just look at her before she had surgery:

I didn't want to show the pictures where she's spreading her legs (boy do I hate that! Reminds me of a time I was with this guy and he kept wanting me to spread my legs around him and I couldn't and he didn't know why - eventually I had to tell him. Huh! He wasn't interested! :-( )

After the end of ANTM, she had her surgery thanks to help from Tyra Banks and bam! She could do sexy poses such as these:

 We all know where we're looking at right? Yup, the crotch! I WANT THAT! I want to be able to spread my legs comfortably and not worry about a bulge or 'things falling apart'. And I want it so bad! Not for anyone, not for a relationship, but for myself. For me to feel COMPLETE.

I know it will happen one day, I guess I just can't wait anymore!

XOXO

Lind.

I'm NOT a Man, Never "Used to be" a Man

The other day Audrey Mbugua came into the limelight in Kenyan news when she filed a suit against the Kenya National Examinations Council (KNEC) on their refusal to change her documents as per her name change. She wants them to change the documents to reflect her changed name but they kept taking her round and round.

If you want to read more about Audrey Mbugua and her work, see her articles on www.transgenderkenya.com.

I met this guy in a club. I could tell clearly that he wasn't exposed to a lot in life as he claimed to be, considering the club had a lot of queer people in it. As we were dancing, he happened to touch my genital area. Twice. I was freaking out a little. Later while we were talking he asked me

"Are you a man who wants to be a woman?"

I almost threw up on him! I told him I am not a man, heard that? NOT A MAN, NEVER HAVE BEEN, NEVER USED TO BE!

I find that a lot of people while referring to transfolk will say "Oh that guy used to be a girl" or "You know she used to me a man" and stuff like that.

STOP IT! IT IS DEGRADING!

Once I came to the full realization of my self and my person, it was clear that I never used to be a man. I may have lived as a man yes, but I never was one.

So to all who interact with transpeople. The gender they are is the gender they are. It isn't their "new gender". Get it?

Lind
XOXO

I'm Jealous of Cissexual Women

This is deeply personal. I don't like talking about my body and sharing of it. But maybe it will help you understand a bit about being trans and being sexual.

Yea. I admit. I am jealous.

Sometimes I even wonde what the guys who sleep with me see in me. I don't have the V so I can't do certain things. Its hard.

Sex is complicated for me. Very.

I try manouver around it. Have mental images during coitus, but its always a tall order.

Its not the first time I'm talking about sex.

Maybe because I've been having a lot of it lately? Or not? Or overthinking it?

Sharing my body is one of the most hardest things I can do. I only do it with someone who I deeply care for, and I can tell they do so to me too. I've been hurt before. No one wants to be hurt.

But that isn't the point.

I hardly enjoy sex. I don't think I will ever 'fully' enjoy it untill I actually do the surgery. It sounds kinda pathetic. Some of my friends get me but they still look at me with those eyes that say "you need to get a hold of yourself, girl! you're pretty!"

Whenever I'm naked in bed with a guy, I'm thinking "I gotta hide it. Chics don't have 'that thing down there', they have a V. So in order for him to see me as a girl I gotta hide it. Ignore it. Pretend it doesn't exist. He shouldn't even touch it! Darn! Its in the way. I wish I'd just cut it off and be over with it."

Several times I get hit on. And I see those eyes screaming "I wanna do you so bad!" but in my head I'm like, "Yeah. You have no idea what you're dealing with"

Maybe I should relax. Take a break. Slow down. Focus on work. Yeah. I will focus more on work and less on sex and men and all that sh!t.

Have a jolly good time y'all!

XOXO

Lind

Pretty Ogre

 

Its late. I am with this nice guy and we are having fun.
Lots of dancing, kissing, petting...its so nice.
We are enjoying each others company. Even making others around us jealous.
We go home. To his place. Its easier, I figure.
I tell him a little about why I rarely have sex. He is not convinced.
We pet some more. He gets his conviction. His 'friend' dies down.
This is way too complicated for him, he says. He isn't ready any more.
Yet wanted me so bad. He just can't do this.
I pull up my panties. Turn to the other side. Tears in my eyes.
Wishing I was the jealous girl dancing alone.
She would've just done it, easy peezy.
But no, not me.
I gotta keep explaining. Explain why its complicated.
Why I'm messed up...messed up down there.
Why I just cant 'do it that way'.
I know I'm pretty.
But I turn into an ogre when I drop my panties.


It happened again. I met another.
He saw me from across the bar counter. His eyes gleaming.
I could see them drooling over me. Looking at me like I was prey.
I thought he was cute; a little older though.
He came to me. Asked me if I could dance with him.
I agreed. How could I say no to those eyes?
We danced. I liked it. He liked it. Our eyes locking into deep sensation.
Dancing to the tunes of Rihanna. "Man down..."
We left the club. Got into his car. Started making out.
Mmmh.. I moaned. Good kisser. "Less teeth..." I advised him.
Kissed some more. Groped. I went down. I liked it. Tasted good.
He reached for my crotch. I panicked. I jumped. "No, don't go there.."
"Why, what's wrong baby?" He asked. I didn't answer. Turned away.
"Let me love you..." He reached for it again. "Stop. I need to leave"
I wanted him. He wanted me. So bad.
I wouldn't do it. It ain't easy peezy.
I gotta keep explaining. Explain why its complicated.
Why I'm messed up...messed up down there.
I know I'm pretty.
But I turn into an orge when I drop my panties.

Of Tucking and Peeing

Tucking

You all know by now that girls like us who are yet to 'fix' things 'down there' have to deal with awkward situations regarding tucking. Its one of our really disturbing issues we have to deal with on a daily basis.

I've complained before about having an awkward walk from the bus stage to my place of work, in a skirt, and with 'that thing down there' trying to make life difficult for me. Yet again, I deal with it today. *sigh* Just reminds me how badly I really need to do my surgery!

Peeing

I actually prefer peeing standing up! Yeah, I know... not so lady-like! But... I guess I am 'enjoying' this 'priviledge' while I can... surgery's coming up soon!!

XOXO

Lind