I Am Only Human...

I am a mess. I cannot focus. I am on the verge of being fired. Its not good. Imagine this, I was recently appraised for my performance at work and it did not go well. Why? Because I did not perform well during my six month contract period. It was bad. They said I was not good enough I was laxed and that I chose the work I wanted to do. You cannot choose work you cannot decide this is what you want to do now and oh, the others I will do later. Its bad. Well, its reality thats the way life goes.

My take on that? Its all true. I have not been as serious as I should be and well, its bad. Its unfortunate. Imagine I am just throwing away an opportunity to extend my contract and what am I doing? Playing around, not being serious, picking the work id want to do and so on and so forth. Imagine that! Please don't step into my shoes. Am human I have flaws. Imagine this is what I have been doing. Why, I am addicted to Internet! There. I have admitted it. And what am I doing to stop? Very little. Thats what. I really do have potential they say. And thats why they're torn on what to do with me. They wanna keep me but then again some of the things I do just plainly disappoints them to a point that they start re-thinking their first decision. Okay, really, is she worth it if this is what she does? Can she really cut it? Well, we know she can, but will she really prove it in the end? Until when will we wait for her to gain focus.

I hate it. I hate myself for doing this to me. I keep envisioning myself as a bigshot in Kenya in the future but hey, if this is my performance, if this is my attitude then whoa...is this really seriously gonna happen? I never inteded to post anything today but I just had to vent this out somewhere.

And despite the fact that I have another blog, I think I need to re-think why in the first place I started it. Do I really want to hide the fact that I am a transsexual? Do I want a part of my (online) world to believe that I'm just an ordinary Nairobi girl? Well, I'm not. And thats not gonna go away. But wait, Kenya doesn't really know we exist, do they? And even if they do, how am I to live in this world and interact if all the time someone sees me and immediately labels me “tranny” or something like that. Yes, part of the reason why I started the other blog was a way for me to find a place in the “normal” world because somehow, thats what I want. To be part of them. To fit in. Even if its not gonna be easy, that was the sole reason. Even if I really will not completely fit in, that was my goal. Then again the other reason was to portray another part of me that isn't necessarily linked to my being a transgender, transsexual or whatever. A part of me not linked to my genitalia! That was the main reason. The sole goal. I wanted to blog without going into the fact that living in Nairobi as a transsexual is tough.

I can rant on and on today but well, because of the aparent analysis of me and my work ethic, I shall leave it at that. You will probably hear from me later on. Like next week or something. I have so much I want to write about. Most of them I wanna post here but I need to impress my superiors. I need to try as much as possible to redeem myself and prove that I am worth what they see in me.

Ciao guys. Pray for me please. Its not about the job; its about me. I need to change. I need to improve. If I am ever gonna go anywhere, I need to make some drastic changes in my attitude to work. If I'm ever gonna reach my goals, its gonna have to start here. I have to. There is no short-cut.

*Hung head*