The Forseeable.....or not!

Everyone thinks about the future. Even if its tomorrow, or just today in the afternoon. We always wonder, “what next?” or “what will I do later?”. So I often ask myself this question. How will my life be like in the near future? Will I still be with A? Will my aunt and grandparents finally acknowledge me? Will I be able to visit my grandparents in our rural home? Will I be able to sustain myself financially? Will I ever get a job in ordinary companies rather than NGOs? Will I ever have my SRS done? Will it be here in Kenya? So many many questions and its always not an easy thing to do to think about them. A always accuses me of thinking too much. I know its sort of a weakness but I always justify it by saying its the only way I will feel sane; by thinking and re-thinking all my steps. So if I look at some of the questions in my head what shall I be thinking about? Isn't that just another question?

I remember when I started thinking critically about my life and who I was way back in primary school when I was just about 12 yrs old, I remember praying to God telling him to choose a path for me; either boy or girl. Because I felt like I was trapped somewhere in the middle. It wasn't a good feeling at all. I am so glad I am past that. As I read in a friend's blog, making this decision ain't easy. One has to think and re-think it all through, consider all the consequences, both the foreseeable and the not so foreseeable. Honestly, I still have moments where I question the legitimacy of my decicion and its relevance or practicability in my life now and in the time to come. I find I ask myself whether I will be able to handle it all. Then I go back and say that id rather this struggle than the previous misery. Life isn't smooth anyways.

The other day A told me that it would be nice if we would stay together for long. In his words, it would be nice to “grow old together”. Is it just me or do we (when in relationships) sometimes get to that point where we feel like this is it, this is the life I want and nothing else? Yes we do, or so I think. But I (being open-minded and often thinking stuff out on both sides of the coin) also tend to have this thought cross my mind. Don't we also wonder whether this is what we really want and sometimes look over the shoulder while our hands are safely in the other's hands and ask ourselves, “hmm...i wonder whether the grass is greener over there...”. Don't we do that? I do! But (I think) I tend to be different. I tend to stick to the person I am with. I tend to be very faithful and its often just the way I am. I have tried to cheat before and its never something that works. For example, I tried cheating recently but I ended up hating it and not even doing anything at all. All the time my mind was focused on A and how he would hate me if he found out and also how I wish it were him with me and not this other person. Yeah. Life's a bitch like that!

I don't like talking about sex, but when I want to address the SRS topic, it just must be mentioned. I wish I knew how a vajayjay looks like, feels like, smells like, (even tastes like!). Now, don't get me wrong! My inclination didn't change overnight,no. I just am curious. Period. I get tempted to ask one of my gg friends if they can allow me to examnine it properly and see whether this is really what I want. Why? Because sometimes I look down there and wish to myself that it just never was ther. That the only thing that was there was a tiny hole for the urethra. Period. Nothing but. I am not alone. I have a friend (trans) who also feels the same. Probably even trans men feel the same. Other times (most of the times) I wish id have the SRS NOW! Just so id have a reality over my fantasies about it all. Then it still goes back to the question: is intimacy all about penetration? I'm sure I get a slightly sound 'no'. And I know people might beg to differ. Something else I don't say out lound (simply because I feel it ain't none of anyone's biz) is the fact that I don't engage in anal sex. I just find it uncomfortable. There I said it. Maybe someone can nicely describe a vajayjay to me and maybe I will have a clue (if any!).

Hope I can get to write more on stuff that is bugging me about the foreseeable (not) future!

*Looove!*