THEM DAYS...

I was rummaging through my old stuff and I came across a journal I wrote when I was having one of 'them days'. I had lots of those. And one way that helped me get through them was through writing down my thoughts, feelings and emotions. Kinda like what I'm doing here. So here it is.

This day was difficult. Something happened and suddenly my peace of mind went blah! I just don't know whats wrong with me. I'm so moody!!! Just now, I smsed my drama director that I will be quitting drama! Just imagine! He has just replied telling me to persevere for a while but I'm telling you the way I feel isn't normal! I don't know whats wrong. I just feel so bad. Everytime I try to be happy I am reminded of my reality; that for me to be true to myself and be happy I have to be myself, and thats not possible right now. Its so saddening. Its so sickening. Makes me feel like cursing the day I was born and altogether giving up on life! Aargh!! I'm saddened sometimes to think that maybe this is what I put on myself. I let this happen to me. Ive always felt pretty and beautiful and today its not like that. Today I'm sad. I'm down. I'm deeply confused, heartbroken, angry, all those mixed feelings! Nowadays I feel like I've lost my glow, the one I had back in high school when I was being hit on my guys knowing perfectly well that it was a boy school! I feel like the manly look is improving by the day. I'm no longer noticeable and even that photo I took of myself looks weird now! Huh! I keep telling myself everyday that I am beautiful both inside and out. I guess it will wade off. These feelings shall go and I will continue with life. But how will it be? I know too well what I am capable of. But I cannot achieve much because I keep holding back. I keep looking over the shoulder. Trying so hard to hide my true self. Trying so hard not to be affected by what people say about me when they see me doing something 'awkward'. I keep reminding myself of my acting skills. I can act like a boy. It will be okay. Even if I'm not one, I can act like one. Maybe it will sink in. The manliness. The masculinity that I so lack. Maybe I will find a way to live this way. Maybe, just maybe. Despite the saying about wishes, I only wish I was on one side. Male or female. Like I would wake up one day and it will be well. That my faith in God somehow makes it happen or someone somewhere gets a sort of vision and makes a prayer and voila! I'm free!! I wish... oh I wish!

It ended that way. Most of it is edited. Some things I couldn't put here. But its what I felt then. About four years ago, when I had just cleared from high school.

DREAMS FROM MY HEART

Hi y’all. Hope you missed me!
I felt that I needed to offload some of the stuff that has been going on in my mind lately. I've got so much to share yet I don’t want it to be like I'm telling the whole world my ‘nakedness’. (I hope you get me).
It’s Friday and I’m at the peak of my scratching! Aargh! The facial hair! I shave every weekends and of course, by Friday, all that is grown and all itchy. Everytime I look at the mirror and see that hair, it breaks my heart. Everytime I look at my facebook profile photo of Isis, I get so emotional and wonder to myself about when all this is going to end. I wonder how I'm gonna begin this really excruciatingly harrowing and difficult journey that I'm beginning! Can anyone feel my pain? I know, I know, people sometimes don’t like listening to other people’s problems. But it is my assumption and hope that by sharing what I'm going through, people can somehow understand exactly what goes on inside a Transgender’s mind or life, before and after. I also hope that when I say ‘after’ it means that I shall be able to continue updating my blog even after I have started doing all that stuff I dream an long for so much.
I have been listening to Tyra’s interview of Isis King, a transgender model who contested in Tyra’s America’s Next Top Model. She is such an inspiration to me. Both of them are. She speaks about her life so easily and frankly and I see a lot of me in her. Because she has gone through much of what I have and I feel she is just like me. Americans have it easier that us Africans, or Kenyans for that matter. I sometimes just wish I would get a visa or green card to the US and I can finally pursue my dreams and aspirations with ease. It would make me the happiest girl in the world.
I dream of so many things. I take myself to be a very intelligent young girl. I have so many ideas in my mind. There are numerous things I want to achieve in life. I have told several of my friends that I made a pact with God that He would not take me before atleast achieving these aspirations and dreams. I know there are people who may thing I'm nuts or something, but believe me, I dreamt it and I desperately wanna achieve it. Again, its mostly to do with helping others and I believe this would come in handy to the rest of the world. In a nutshell, I believe the world needs me!
I dream of one day waking up, dressing for work and not hating it, going to do something I love doing, people appreciating and respecting me for who I am, being able to help the less fortunate in the society, and basically just being the me God intended me to be.

My dreams will come true. I will do everything necessary to achieve this. Amen.

“THOUGHTS THAT CROSS HER MIND” – A Third Person View

She wakes up every morning and puts on the usual; shirt and trouser. Surprised? Don’t be. That’s how its been all through her young life; living as someone else. Its frustrating, she says. Ever imagine if it was you? Ever imagine if you would be forced to put on other clothes other than those you are used to, or better yet, those you just know you are supposed to wear? I guess when you look at that question you go, “Hmm, I wonder how that might be?” Yeah! It really is mind boggling! She looks at the mirror as she prepares herself for work. Inside her head she tells herself, “better not look too much like a girl now, you don’t want trouble now, do you?”
Weekend comes by. Yippie, she gets excited. Its time for her to flaunt some of her goodness around. But wait! That’s gonna be hard don’t you think? Yeah! I mean, she is flat chested isn’t she? So? Oh! Right. We just have to work with this for now. After preparation, im amazed at how stunning she looks! What? No mascara, no makeup, no nothing! Its her, just the way she is, all natural beauty!
Passing through the busy streets of Nairobi, its easy to notice the weird and confused stares that come her way. Maybe some say to themselves, ‘why is that guy dressed like that’ or ‘haiya! Is that a guy or a girl?’ very much confusing right? Must be making her all uncomfortable now I guess. But she says its been like that ever since high school, and primary school; this isn’t the first time.
All she wants is for the stares to be something else. Yes, she doesn’t mind the stares. She wants them to say, ‘oh how beautiful’ or ‘wow! That’s one gorgeous girl’. Nothing much. She only wants to be a normal Nairobi girl!

We pray that Hope and Faith never dies away. Dreams will be fulfilled. Amen.