THINGS TO THINK ABOUT...

I just realized that I posted a blog on September 11th and I never gave my condolence and prayer to those who suffered during the US Twin Tower's bombing incident (I don't know how many years ago).

It is with deepest sorrow and remorse that I share my condolence to all who lost loved ones in the US Twin Towers bombing and do hope that they feel better. I sincerely pray for you all and also for those who got hurt in anyway that you recover sooner rather than later. My words may not be enough but what I feel for you only God can testify. May The Living God surely Be your guide and Protector now and forever more, AMEN!!

Now that that part is done, the question 'why' registers in my head. I don't know why (see what I mean!) it is but its there. I am coping well with the transition and I just wanted to let you all know what transpired this weekend. (someone told me I'm making my life public but then again, how would people know about the Transgender Issues if I don't share my experiences, and again, I'm in Kenya, I probably am the 1st – and feel free to prove me wrong- girl to share my experience.)

On Saturday I met this lady from UK who was a trangender and it was really amazing. She is like 60-something plus she used to be a guy! Now she is a lady, old lady to be precise and loving her life. She isn't like me, she started her transition about 5 years ago when she had already married and had kinds and even grandkids! So she definitely wasn't as lucky/blessed as I am. She shared her experiences with us, me and other transgender girls in Nairobi and how its been for her those 5 years transitioning. It was such an amazing experience for me and I am so thankful I went there and saw her. She also gave us some well deserved advice. The one that I really took in was 'don't rush it, take it one day at a time'. She attributed this to an anecdote of how some ladies (trans) from the UK, who were older (not my age), when beginning their transition went all out, dressing and stuff and eventually were either molested, beaten up,criticized, ridiculed, etc. it was a bad idea to jump into it rather than taking it slow and being who you are while allowing others time to internalize, understand and probably accept the reality which is your transition. There were other stuff that she mentioned, I may not remember everything to the last detail but something else that came into my mind is that, for me and for all that wish to do what I'm doing or just are happy to see people being happy, just as the hormone replacement therapy takes time, so is your transition, especially in the public world and more so, to your loved ones. It is imperative that while you transition you don't forget that your loved ones are also transitioning; from knowing that boy to trying to know this new girl they never knew existed! Am I right?

Things to think about.

Ciao!

ORIGINS...

I think of my mother and I suddenly feel a gush of mixed emotions. When I think of my mother, words fail me to describe what I feel at the opportune time. It is really hard for me and probably you reading this bit would immediately assume the worst. When I say that its hard, its because she is EXTREMELY WONDERFULL!!! Even these words cannot remotely express how I feel about her!! She is my mother, a pearl from heaven, a haven of understanding, a …... I'm at loss of the right words! Fine, I'm babbling and loosing my cool!

The biggest scare for me when I realized who I really was and what was going on with me was that my mom would reject me. I'm an only child and don't have a father. So basically my mom was my whole family and the thought of me losing her at the time I really needed her most was dauntingly terrifying! I mastered up the courage to open up to my mom and her sisters but I couldn't face her directly. So I wrote her a two page letter pouring my heart out to her , explaining exactly what was going on with me. I left the letter for her to read one evening when I went to my grandparents so that she could have ample time to read, reflect, internalize and accept (if possible).

That week she called me and told me that she had read the letter and her response was that SHE WILL TAKE ME AS I AM!!! I was extremely happy, excited, thankful, relieved...all at once! The mixed feelings I had were overwhelming and I thanked God for such an amazing mother.


THIS NEW ME...
(This just happened..)
My new job entails meeting people, going out and having discussions, that kind of stuff. Today in particular, I was aware that I was to meet up with some people we were dealing with at the office but at a hotel in town. Now, since we were going for a lunch meeting, it lasted longer than expected and so it reached a point where I had to use the bathroom/loo. I kind of had forgotten that my physical appearance still wasnt that feminine so when I asked a guard to direct me to the ladies he grew pale and gave me a confused look. I didnt get why he looked at me that way and maybe it was because so far most people that I had interacted with were very accepting and understanding so that idea somehow was instilled in me. This guard was an old looking fellow and thus, me, looking the way I did and asking for the ladies, blew him away. I just left him since someone else showed me where they were and went in the ladies. When I came out I found him waiting for me with a look that showed he meant bad business! I immediately got terrified and my heart raced four times as fast! He started questioning me in swahili asking me 'are you a lady? Why are you asking for the ladies and youre a guy? Why did you enter the ladies? Are you a lady?' I tried explaining myself telling him that I was a transgender but then it hit me, this guy, probably at his age and being a guard, may not even have the slightest clue as to what that was. This confrontation went on for like three minutes, me trying to insist that I'm a girl only differently looking and also trying to put across the fact that he wasnt in a position to question my gender but then, since probably his level of understanding didnt allow it, he just couldn't get why a dude would ennter the ladies! Thankfully, a staff member came by and helped me out telling the 'askari' that it wasnt in his place to question my gender.

That incident gave me shivers that are still running through my body even now as I post this! This was the exact kind of reactions that I really am trying to avoid. I keep telling myself that I can do it, I am beautiful and people can see that. My biggest set back is my beard and probably the apple. I am trying my best to get atleast some of it off and invisible but clearly, thats gonna be a mountain to climb. A hurdle that I have to pass, a trial that must be fulfilled. I really want to do this but my environment is semi-hostile. I'm hoping Nairobians are don't care and wont bother me, but I want to be realistic enough to accept the fact that this process isnt gonna be smooth sailing, and that I shall indeed come across such characters that will mess up my confidence and make me feel like nothingness. Its a reality that I have to embrace and I pray to God that, as He has protected me time and again, including today, He shall continue to guide and protect me from all harm and evil. Amen.

Thanks for all your support and prayers. May God truly bless you all!

A NEW BEGINNING!!

Hey guys. In case you haven't noticed, its been a while since I last made a post. Actually its almost a month isn't it? Anyway, I really have missed you peeps and really do hope that y'all have been okay. I just realised recently that I can actually type really fast and without looking at the keyboard. I guess its your average case of 'practice makes perfect. The only problem is that I still haven't learnt how to use all my fingers for typing so I tend to get tired easily and faster.

Okay. Let me not bore you with small stuff!! Its now official! Lindsay has finally come out as herself!! Hip hip, HORRAY!!! I sure hope y'all are happy for me! And its all thanks to the job I got as an assistant at an NGO that accepts my kind!!!! What happened is that I applied and they wanted someone from the LGBTI community and they called me, gave me an interview and finally called back to tell me that I was successful and voila! I'm at the new job! Now the tricky part is that I applied as myself, as in my female self and not as the 'fake' male that people knew. So I knew I had to act fast! That weekend was weird! First of all I had to do the handing over at my old place. They kept asking where the hell I was going but I definitely could not tell them exactly where I was going and especially not that I was now going there as the real me! None of them knew what went about me and I never wanted them to know. So after the handing over and the sorry goodbyes the weekend came and then I remembered, CLOTHES!! I DONT HAVE ANY CLOTHES!! As in I don't have many female clothes! All this time I kept telling myself that I'm ready to come out but I guess I forgot that the first day is very important! Anywho, that weekend I went out and bought a few clothes that I felt were not too feminine but would still show that I was a girl. It was exciting to finally buy girl clothes! I had dreamt of it and even though the first day wasn't as I had pictured it, I'm pretty sure my day will come! Since I didnt have enough cash, I only got a few stuff. I also approached my cousins for assistance but then again, female bodies are different and thus the clothing dilemma!

Monday came and I for the first time ever, I came out of my house as ME! It was the scariest feeling I had ever had! First of all, I was scared of my neighborhood. I knew I wasn't that known by people, but seeing that I had really stayed there for a while, people around must have known my face from here and there. Again, I was afraid of being seen by my building neighbors. They knew me better, probably not by name or anything, but just by knowing that it was I who lived in that house! Thirdly I was afraid of the worst; being discovered and worse still, being embarassed in any way in town. See, I still havent done much with regards to my appearance so basically I still have beard growth marks (I always shave), slightly broadened shoulders, an adams apple (I really hate that thing, but,....) among other things. And again, by that time, I still hadnt pierced my ears so from looking at me, one could tell that there was definitely something going on there! Remember I had mentioned earlier that I always get weird looks from people, wondering whether I was male or female? Now you can imagine how these looks grew more intense, especially when they see a protruding chest (I put on some 'boobs') together with a neck-poking apple and beard marks! I was extremely terrified at what people would do to me.

Somehow, Monday passed on well. In the evening I had my ears pierced, and thankfully I hadnt shaved off my hair so whatever bit I had, I made it up and it looks good enough. Because I'm starting off, I shan't beat myself down. All I'm praying is that I will continue on courageously and fight for my happiness, because to be truly honest, I have never ever felt this happy in my entire life!! The things I used to do in the house, where no one would see me, now I can do them in public, go to work where everyone embraces me for who I am, however weird-looking I might seem to them, going about my things as myself.....it was all but a dream that is now slowly taking shape into reality.

Honestly today I can go on and on and on about the mixed feelings I'm having but I don't want to pour out everything just yet. As it said in my 'about me', I am about to begin hormones. Now I'm editing that part and I'm putting 'I have just began my hormone therapy'! I am experiencing mixed feelings. At one point I'm extremely excited! Then again on the other side I am extremely scared. I am banking on my God given courage and strength that I shall be successful I this thing I'm pursuing. I am happy to know that I have a good number of supporters and it also gives me more greater pleasure to know that where I work they embrace my true self and let me be who I am. The job wont last forever but at least for the time it will be around, I shall utilize it to the fullest.

I will try and dedicate time towards updating this blog frequently because I really want to let people see a true transgender/transsexual's life how it unfolds; from before, during and after hormonal effects and other stuff that might crop up. I also ask my dear ardent readers to please put me in your daily prayers as I pursue this dream of mine and hope that all will be well in this Nairobi for me!

Ciao Amigos! Love ya all!!