LIFE GOES ON(2)

Yes, nothing major has happened in my life. Its like I faded into normalcy of girlhood. Still getting the hang of it-being a girl in Nairobi. I love my life. Its easy, manageable and yes, no more pretence. I am so happy. Reminds me of the movie Transamerica where the trans lady, Bree tells the guy from the American Psychiatric (something) whether he finds it interesting that a surgery can cure someone of a mental condition! Well, okay, for me it ain't anything surgical but the fact that I live as me (finally!) is very exciting.

Life as a girl is interesting. Its different from what I had imagined but I cannot rule out the fact that it still is me living. Nothing much has changed. If anything, I am still the same, only dress and look differently. Something I have to keep reminding A about since he was very much concerned about this whole transition thing changing me into “those women” that he doesn't like.

There is some good news though, I finally got a house! Yes! I'm moving by the end of the week and I am ecstatic! Its larger than what I had before and better. But with most things, not everything is spic and span, there are small flaws here and there and some stuff I will have to change up. But all in all I am glad and happy. Things are going better. When me and my mom went to pay for the house, I remember her telling me that she ensured she had gotten all the pronouns and names correctly when talking to the owner so that she doesn't make any mistakes! I really love my mom! She makes things easier :). Can't thank her enough.

And with all this, I pen off. Until another day people. Thanks for being there for me; couldn't have done it without you.

*Hugs!*

A LOW STREAK? - November 18

It seems lately I have been writing a lot about being low, lots of sad notes. I am not one to remain sad and low all the time but the situation begs to differ. Yes. Times have been sad for me. Indeed I have been low and down, stressed and almost depressed. Just having the blues I guess. :-((.

Somehow, I blame this sadness of sorts on one person, or maybe its the hormones taking a toll on me! :D This one person that I have been referring to as 'my special friend', from today I will call him A.

If there is one thing I dislike is ranting and raving about someone I cherish. Maybe its because I expect nothing but the best from them or something but I just hate being sad especially when its them making me sad.

I haven't seen A for almost two weeks now. We have been talking on phone, yes, almost everyday even, but I just want to see him! I wanna hold him! I want him to hold me! (This must be the very first time I speak candidly about my private life! Hehe!). I want to hear sweet nothings in my ear, someone to listen to my yabber jabber! There is so much on my chest just begging to be off!! The steam is easily let out with my head resting on his chest. Its like a breath of fresh air! I miss him so terribly I'm almost exploding! He has been really busy of late and I'm turning into a worried wife! I don't like this at all! In fact, I must confess, I have been tempted to 'enjoy' myself with one of my admirers but I respect him too much to do that and plus, I really cannot possibly have that in my conscience and keep a straight face. I just cannot be with two men at one time. It just cannot register in my head!

I know this blog is meant to educate people on transgenderism and transsexualism and mostly on a personal view of my life, and I know that today's blog may not necessarily touch on that topic but with all due respect, if I'm gonna tell people about my life in transition ans a Kenyan Transgender girl, then surely the love life of this girl must feature somewhere at one point or the other!

I love what I do, who I am and I'm proud of me. One of the ways I let off steam is through writing. I write on my journal at home and most importantly this blog also is a steam releaser for me. Another way is speaking incoherently, babbling away to myself when I am alone in the office. Self talk. Trust me, it works!! After a 20 minute incoherent babble, I feel much better. Its a sort of therapy for me. One of the ways that I was able to deal with all my issues with me being a transgender.
So now that thats take care of, lets get back to more important issues. My main agenda. I hope I will be posting something else soon because I just gotta share my thoughts soon or I will explode!!!!


Great sharing a bit of my love life with y'all!!!

CHOICE OR REALITY?

I came to the office today and saw an email from a relative who isn't too accepting of what I am doing. In her words, “I don't agree with what you're about to do to yourself and I keep praying that something happens to stop you. I wish you could wait until you're older. I can understand that a person can feel more inclined to the opposite gender than their own and thats why we hear girls being called tomboys coz they behave like boys or boys being called sissies coz they behave like gals. what I cant understand is going to the extreme of actually changing your body by taking drugs through out your life and even doing surgery to change your organs - organs which have already been created and formed perfectly and are not deformed in any way.”

So I felt inclined to reply and pour my heart out. Eventually I thought it would be nice to share this with you. My thoughts:-

Its not gonna be smooth sailing.

Here was the reply.

Hey.

I have said this before and i will say it again since i totally understand how or why it is very hard for you to understand, let alone accept who i am. You have no idea how tormenting this issue has been on me all my life however short its been. No one ever wants to be unhappy or feel tormented or sad or confused or depressed or stressed or have ulcers as a result of such. I never chose this for myself. I have prayed feverently that i go one way. I have stressed myself when i was younger trying to fit into this masculinity that i supposedly belonged to. I even had my Christian friends pray for me, 'kuniwekelea mikono'(laying hands on me) and stuff like that. I have been suffering in silence and the only thing that kept me going was my faith in God. He is the only reason i kept on living. Believe it or not, I have considered suicide several times in my life. I still wish this wasnt happening and that i was just a normal young handsome man who would one day marry a beautiful girl and live a normal life. Its not the case. Its not my fault. I cannot blame God. I cannot say its Satan. Actually I don't know. Maybe it is. I don't know. All I know right now is that, even if currently i look like those tomboys coz I'm a girl, I'm happy. I now live as Linsay. A girl. One that has always existed since January 2nd 1988 usiku. She never knew what was going on. She never knew why it was happening. Why she loved dressing up in her moms clothes yet everyone told her 'stop doing that! you are a boy!'. She was so confused when it was so easy doing girl stuff like playing 'kalongo' and 'kati' and 'bladder' and 'hapo' and playing with dolls, yet when it came to interacting with 'fellow boys', it was difficult; an uphill task. She would get so worried and confused and have mixed feelings when she would get nick names such as 'kasuppuu' in primary and when boys her age would treat her differently from her 'fellow boy-mates'. She kept wondering why it was so easy relating with girls than it was relating with boys in that primary school. She got even more confused when puberty hit and all her feelings were feminine. Her gait, mannerisms and even thought process. She wondered why she couldn't be like her 'fellow boy-mates'. It was hard for her. To make matters more confusing, since puberty was also there for her friends, the ones in the same dorm as she would like to tease her, telling her how pretty she was and some even went to the extent of touching her in 'suggestive' ways. She stressed over why boys did that to her asking herself 'si we are all boys?'. Her stressed shot up even more when one boy blackmailed her into having 'relations' with her because she lost something of his. This was emotional rape. It was horrendous. Doing something unwillingly. She wondered, 'aren't there girls in this school that he could go for? why me?'. Thats a question that would repeat itself in her mind all through her young life "Why Me??". Her spiritual life fell apart. The confusion grew rapidly. Her stress levels skyrocketed. She was diagnosed with stress induced ulcers. She contemplated suicide. It wasnt easy. She couldn't do it. She still believed there was a reason why she was going through what she was. She sought for answers in the Internet. She saw 'gay' and thought, 'no this isn't me. I'm not a man, but then this body...'. She saw transsexual/transgender. Then had the 'aha!' moment....

I could go on, but i hope you get my drift. It was not a choice I made to be who I am, it was the choice to embrace my reality and be happy that i made. I seriously do wish it was different; 'in tandem with the norm'. Its not. Someone described this as "Having the brain of a girl and the body parts of a boy". Thats me. Crazy, yes. Delinquent? Maybe. Human? Yes. Very. I am happy. Happier than i have ever felt in my entire life. I now see my future happening. I now see myself fulfilling properly all the dreams i have and had. I now can be myself and not worry about whether I am 'convincing enough'.

In any case, I thank you for being there for me, when you were there and even now when you cant stand what I'm doing.

May God Bless you and help you understand, somehow.



Yours,

Lindsay.

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT...

I just realized that I posted a blog on September 11th and I never gave my condolence and prayer to those who suffered during the US Twin Tower's bombing incident (I don't know how many years ago).

It is with deepest sorrow and remorse that I share my condolence to all who lost loved ones in the US Twin Towers bombing and do hope that they feel better. I sincerely pray for you all and also for those who got hurt in anyway that you recover sooner rather than later. My words may not be enough but what I feel for you only God can testify. May The Living God surely Be your guide and Protector now and forever more, AMEN!!

Now that that part is done, the question 'why' registers in my head. I don't know why (see what I mean!) it is but its there. I am coping well with the transition and I just wanted to let you all know what transpired this weekend. (someone told me I'm making my life public but then again, how would people know about the Transgender Issues if I don't share my experiences, and again, I'm in Kenya, I probably am the 1st – and feel free to prove me wrong- girl to share my experience.)

On Saturday I met this lady from UK who was a trangender and it was really amazing. She is like 60-something plus she used to be a guy! Now she is a lady, old lady to be precise and loving her life. She isn't like me, she started her transition about 5 years ago when she had already married and had kinds and even grandkids! So she definitely wasn't as lucky/blessed as I am. She shared her experiences with us, me and other transgender girls in Nairobi and how its been for her those 5 years transitioning. It was such an amazing experience for me and I am so thankful I went there and saw her. She also gave us some well deserved advice. The one that I really took in was 'don't rush it, take it one day at a time'. She attributed this to an anecdote of how some ladies (trans) from the UK, who were older (not my age), when beginning their transition went all out, dressing and stuff and eventually were either molested, beaten up,criticized, ridiculed, etc. it was a bad idea to jump into it rather than taking it slow and being who you are while allowing others time to internalize, understand and probably accept the reality which is your transition. There were other stuff that she mentioned, I may not remember everything to the last detail but something else that came into my mind is that, for me and for all that wish to do what I'm doing or just are happy to see people being happy, just as the hormone replacement therapy takes time, so is your transition, especially in the public world and more so, to your loved ones. It is imperative that while you transition you don't forget that your loved ones are also transitioning; from knowing that boy to trying to know this new girl they never knew existed! Am I right?

Things to think about.

Ciao!

DREAMS FROM MY HEART

Hi y’all. Hope you missed me!
I felt that I needed to offload some of the stuff that has been going on in my mind lately. I've got so much to share yet I don’t want it to be like I'm telling the whole world my ‘nakedness’. (I hope you get me).
It’s Friday and I’m at the peak of my scratching! Aargh! The facial hair! I shave every weekends and of course, by Friday, all that is grown and all itchy. Everytime I look at the mirror and see that hair, it breaks my heart. Everytime I look at my facebook profile photo of Isis, I get so emotional and wonder to myself about when all this is going to end. I wonder how I'm gonna begin this really excruciatingly harrowing and difficult journey that I'm beginning! Can anyone feel my pain? I know, I know, people sometimes don’t like listening to other people’s problems. But it is my assumption and hope that by sharing what I'm going through, people can somehow understand exactly what goes on inside a Transgender’s mind or life, before and after. I also hope that when I say ‘after’ it means that I shall be able to continue updating my blog even after I have started doing all that stuff I dream an long for so much.
I have been listening to Tyra’s interview of Isis King, a transgender model who contested in Tyra’s America’s Next Top Model. She is such an inspiration to me. Both of them are. She speaks about her life so easily and frankly and I see a lot of me in her. Because she has gone through much of what I have and I feel she is just like me. Americans have it easier that us Africans, or Kenyans for that matter. I sometimes just wish I would get a visa or green card to the US and I can finally pursue my dreams and aspirations with ease. It would make me the happiest girl in the world.
I dream of so many things. I take myself to be a very intelligent young girl. I have so many ideas in my mind. There are numerous things I want to achieve in life. I have told several of my friends that I made a pact with God that He would not take me before atleast achieving these aspirations and dreams. I know there are people who may thing I'm nuts or something, but believe me, I dreamt it and I desperately wanna achieve it. Again, its mostly to do with helping others and I believe this would come in handy to the rest of the world. In a nutshell, I believe the world needs me!
I dream of one day waking up, dressing for work and not hating it, going to do something I love doing, people appreciating and respecting me for who I am, being able to help the less fortunate in the society, and basically just being the me God intended me to be.

My dreams will come true. I will do everything necessary to achieve this. Amen.

I’M A FLIRT!!

Okay, yesterday I got kinda pissed at my boss for snooping around and dissin me for blogging after work! He was like, ‘get a laptop!’. Now what do I do if I cant afford one? And besides, a laptop is the last thing on my to-buy-list right now! I’d rather have HORMONES!!
Anyway, as the title goes, I am a flirt. I flirt a lot. I even flirt when I don’t know it! I started this way back in primary school. I would notice a guy and like him. I then would be-friend the guy. Once we have become somewhat friends, I start throwing vibes-you know, like smiling at him when he is seated next to me. I loved making soft pinches on the cheeks ( I still do that! It’s a thing of mine). And ofcourse, talking like you want him that moment! I don’t know, but its like I enjoyed it, and I still do. Well, I'm not a tramp, don’t get me wrong, I just enjoy making guys feel good about themselves and maybe, just maybe, let them see that I ain't no boy! For some, it was just totally weird for them, for others they enjoyed it and then there were those who flat out didn’t get it.
Apart from flirting, there was your average attraction that happened once every so often. I remember both in high school and primary it happened. It was as simple as you may picture it. I don’t know whether it’s the same with gay persons. I remember guys would approach me and tell me, all the while looking confused and shy, that they had developed feelings for me! At first I would act all shocked and somehow angry, saying that he was crazy, nuts even. Then I’d brush it off and continue like I didn’t care! For some it wasn’t easy doing that as I too had gotten a crush on them but couldn’t say it to them. Then again I would agree on some level with others and just accept to be wooed and told sweet nothings (tell me a girl who doesn't enjoy that!)! since we were young, in a boarding school and ‘boys’ it wasn’t easy having a relationship but they happened. I feel like I was somehow lucky, maybe blessed, (I hate tooting my own horn), but I honeslty couldn’t understand how guys, who by the way were very straight, would come upto me and tell me that they thot I was hot/cute and that they liked me! Ofcourse I can now inderstand it better, maybe it’s the ‘opposites attract thing’ maybe its something else. Like for example, up till now, I cannot get how two guys or two girls fall for one another! But it happens and I both accept and respect that. Infact I have seen some gay men and lesbians. They are cool. They are normal people (some say they are cursed, hence the word). They are so regular. Just like me. I mean! (ok I have to stop babbling!)
I came out to a friend the other day. He had wooed me for long (I use that word too much, right?). and I was just about to tell him off, then I thought to myself that if I keep keeping it to myself, then who is ever going to know the real me? Isn’t it time I start shedding the shell little by little? Don’t I deserve to have friends who know me for me, who understand me for who I am? I do deserve it. And besides, ain't I starting my hormones soon? Surely it wont be a walk in the park? I will need a support system, won’t I?
So I told him. He asked so many questions! I felt so good answering them all. It was such a relief. My heart was racing hard and I felt like I was in a job interview(never been to one!)!! but it felt great. He understand now. He claims he still loves me. I wonder whether that will still be so. But I must keep my hopes up. I mean, there is hope for Kenya, isn’t there? We all will someday understand and tolerate each other, regardless of our gender or sexual inclination. I like the way someone commented on a certain blog. He/she said that we need to stop labeling ourselves through our sexual nature or gender identities and start looking at ourselves as kawaa human beings in love. In love with whomever we are with, and okay with however we are. We need to focus on living a fulfilling life, achieving our dreams and goals. Being the best we could ever be!

Yes we can!!!

ONLINE FAMILY
I have chosen to give a special THANK YOU to all who support me and my goal with this blog.
Pater, thanks for acknowledging me, and also your kind words. They mean a lot to me. Honestly.
Tamaku, you definitely shall be expecting a lot from me! I assure you. We surely shall interact more.
GNM, thank you too. I am grateful for everything.
Marsha dear, you are a sister to me. I love you dearly!!
Cuppatea, honestly, like the others, I hope to meet you someday.

I really have to be grateful. This is a medium that we can all share ourselves and I am especially grateful that I am part of this.

God bless you all.

IT’S A GIRL’S WORLD

Well it’s a new week and I just realized that i said I will give more the next day. Well I got caught up in some work plus I woke up really late. (I was watching ‘The Girl Next Door’, a really nice movie).
On Saturday I went to visit my cousin who is in Fourth Form. She is so nice, but she has become so spoilt, I wonder how things will be when she gets out of high school!
Ok. So it was a lovely experience since we were cousins only visiting her plus her sister (who by the way is a good friend of mine and understands me) so it was kinda cool. However, she was already having a blast since she was visited by a group of guys who came in a sleek Mitsubishi (floss mode!) so she was already all over.
I kept thinking to myself about how I missed our on such experiences like high school in a girl school. It was somehow painful for me when I was in high school back in the day. I could see girls coming to our school from our so called sister school and it would break my heart. I remember being teased severally that I must have taken the wrong road and I was meant to go to ‘Ishai’ (that’s the nick name they gave the sister school). I remember how I wished that was true. It was so confusing being there.
Anyway, I still have more to share so I hope we will catch up on this tomorrow.

Ciao!

WEEKEND BLUES!

Today is Friday and thus the weekend begins. When it comes to weekends I get clueless because I have no idea what to do. (by the way, I just remembered that blogs are public! oops!!) so what do I do?
I hear people say they are going out and I smile and say, ‘good for you’. As for me, I don’t get to do that because I'm somehow antisocial. I don’t get it myself. I tend to be very introverted when I'm around people, especially if they don’t know me. Its because, the way I am right now, I cannot be myself completely without sparking some attention. Okay, I don’t mind being noticed as somewhat queer, but sometimes I sit back and tell myself how much I would have enjoyed if only I had been fully myself. It would have been so easy. Dress in stilettos, a really cute pink or yellow flowwy dress, clutch bag and gorgeous hair and makeup..a perfect evening for me. Oh how I have dreamt of that day..how I have yearned for the day I get to do all those things!
Of late I have been chatting with one of my facebook friends who claims to be in love with me. He tells me all those sweet nothings and to be honest, I have shed a tear or two whenever I read those darling words. He has wooed me for so long, sometimes I feel sad for not accepting him. But I have kept my distance because I have a guy..sadly, this guy has a habit of only reaching me after every two to three months. I really don’t know where we are headed. And its sad because I feel that I am in love with him(something I have never admitted, ever!) and I don’t know where he stands. Someone may tell me, why don’t you call him and ask whats up? Its not that simple. He doesn't have a phone, or so I think. Sometimes I think he is trying to push me away. I have told him so several times, now my heart cant take it anymore. I feel that I should just let go and start afresh. Its hard, I don’t want to lose him. We've been together for the last almost 5 years!

Aw! Enough already! There will be more tomorrow!! :-)

“THOUGHTS THAT CROSS HER MIND” – A Third Person View

She wakes up every morning and puts on the usual; shirt and trouser. Surprised? Don’t be. That’s how its been all through her young life; living as someone else. Its frustrating, she says. Ever imagine if it was you? Ever imagine if you would be forced to put on other clothes other than those you are used to, or better yet, those you just know you are supposed to wear? I guess when you look at that question you go, “Hmm, I wonder how that might be?” Yeah! It really is mind boggling! She looks at the mirror as she prepares herself for work. Inside her head she tells herself, “better not look too much like a girl now, you don’t want trouble now, do you?”
Weekend comes by. Yippie, she gets excited. Its time for her to flaunt some of her goodness around. But wait! That’s gonna be hard don’t you think? Yeah! I mean, she is flat chested isn’t she? So? Oh! Right. We just have to work with this for now. After preparation, im amazed at how stunning she looks! What? No mascara, no makeup, no nothing! Its her, just the way she is, all natural beauty!
Passing through the busy streets of Nairobi, its easy to notice the weird and confused stares that come her way. Maybe some say to themselves, ‘why is that guy dressed like that’ or ‘haiya! Is that a guy or a girl?’ very much confusing right? Must be making her all uncomfortable now I guess. But she says its been like that ever since high school, and primary school; this isn’t the first time.
All she wants is for the stares to be something else. Yes, she doesn’t mind the stares. She wants them to say, ‘oh how beautiful’ or ‘wow! That’s one gorgeous girl’. Nothing much. She only wants to be a normal Nairobi girl!

We pray that Hope and Faith never dies away. Dreams will be fulfilled. Amen.