Free to live as a woman, at last [Daily Nation 18th August]

On today's paper, my story appears.

Free to live as a woman, at last

Illustration by JOHN NYAGA | Story thanks to Daily Nation Living Magazine

By MARYANNE W. WAWERU
Posted Tuesday, August 17 2010 at 08:49

IN SUMMARY

Lindsay, a 22-year-old transsexual raised as a man, shares her hopes and fears about her decision to live as a woman

“Today, I’m living my life the way I was meant to,” Lindsay* begins.
Born male and named Leo*, Lindsay had lived all her life as a man.

Then, in September last year, she began her journey to womanhood.

Recalling her feelings of being “trapped” in the wrong body she says, “I remember playing with dolls and other girlie toys.

I hated boyish toys. I also remember secretly trying on some of my mother’s clothes, shoes and make up.

I especially loved walking in her high heels. Emotionally, I felt like a girl,” recalls the finance assistant with a local NGO.

Perturbed by Leo’s behaviour, his mother gave him a serious tongue-lashing. “I felt sad because I couldn’t understand why she was angry with me, yet I was only behaving naturally,” Lindsay explains.

Afraid that she might have had too much “feminine” influence on him, Leo’s mother took him to a mixed boarding school in Standard Four.

But that did not help.

“I associated with girls and enjoyed spending time with them. The boys teased me for being ‘one of the girls’ but I didn’t mind.

I enjoyed girlie talk and games, and felt like one of them,” offers the 22-year-old.

Come puberty, Leo was a late bloomer. “While my peers were breaking their voices, developing broad shoulders and growing beards, I remained baby-faced, smooth-skinned and had a high-pitched voice.

Worse still, I had a feminine gait. But when I was 13, I started getting attracted to boys,” she recalls.
Leo’s new feelings both scared and confused him, so he sought refuge in religion and became born-again. “I spent endless days and nights begging God to make me normal, but my feelings remained unchanged, and the stress sent me into a depression.”

After completing primary education, the Nairobi-bred Leo joined a boy’s boarding secondary school in Central Province where, thanks to his effeminacy, he was nicknamed ‘kasupuu’ (pretty girl) shortly after admission.

“I did not engage in aggressive sports and instead preferred interactive activities such as acting, dancing and singing.

I joined the school choir and drama club, where I was always given female roles, which came to me naturally so I did not need to act,” Lindsay recalls of her secondary school days.

Leo’s attraction to boys never ceased, and Lindsay confesses to having engaged in relationships with one or two boys while in high school.
When he mentioned this attraction to his mother, she dismissed it, saying that, as an only child of a single parent, he liked boys because he lacked a father figure. “But I knew this was not true because I was not gay,” Lindsay offers.

While in high school, Leo resolved to stop living as a man and began searching the Internet for information on his predicament.
“It is thanks to this research that I learnt that there were many other people like me.

Better still, I learnt that I could do something about it, that I could actually become a woman. That’s when I decided to transition,” she explains
But he could not find a way to tell his mother. “Every time I thought of telling my mum, my heart skipped several beats.

I did not want to shock her or break her heart because we were very close. She is a conservative person and although she knew there was something unusual about me, she had not heard of transitioning.”

After completing high school, Leo wrote a four-page letter to his mother, placed it on her bed and left for his grandparents home in the village, where he spent an agonising two weeks.

“Waiting for her reaction made me extremely anxious,” Lindsay recalls.
But when Leo returned to Nairobi, her reaction surprised him: “You are my child. We will go through thistogether.

But you have to complete college before you start transitioning.”
It was a great relief for Leo. “I was elated. Knowing that I had her support encouraged me and I could now move forward with confidence.

As a result, I intensified my research on transsexuality and transitioning,” recalls Lindsay.
Finally, after completing a two-year course in July last year, Leo embarked on his journey to womanhood.

He changed his name to Lindsay and began dressing up like a woman. “I shopped for dresses, shoes and make up.

My mother and other male-to- female transsexuals (MTF) helped me.”

At the same time, Lindsay started taking anti-androgen pills to reduce the levels of testosterone in her body in preparation for a bilateral orchiectomy (removal of the testicles). The operation reduced the production of the male hormone, testosterone.

Immediately thereafter, she began taking a daily does of estrogen pills, which she bought over the counter at Sh74 per dose, for four months, until December last year. The effects are already showing.

“My breasts are slowly growing and my nipples have become more sensitive. My skin is now smoother, and my facial hair has significantly decreased. I have also noticed that my waist is getting smaller while my hips are broader,” she says.

The change is not just physical. “I’m calmer and more at peace. I hear I will be moody and emotional but I have yet to feel that so I’ve developed a wait-and-see attitude.”

Lindsay has also experienced hot flushes and mood swings, the side-effects of the operation.
“Although hot flushes are not the best of feelings, having them reassures me of my femininity!” she says, adding that her libido has, however, declined.

Notably, Lindsay has just come out of a relationship with a man. And since the operation, it is now much easier to hide her remaining male genitalia. “I now worry less when wearing short skirts since I do not feel as uncomfortable as I used to,” she says.

Her greatest dilemma regarding relationships remains whether and when to tell her partner about her condition. “It worries me when I meet a man who wants to since I can’t hide my past from him. I’m scared of his possible reaction if he learns the truth.”

But she hopes a day will come when she will not have to agonise over breaking the news to a potential lover without him hitting the roof.
“I couldn’t be happier,” says Lindsay 10 months after she began transitioning.

But she needs a sex reassignment surgery (SRS) to complete her transition. SRS, also known as gender reassignment surgery (GRS) involves surgical alteration of the genitalia. Lindsay says she has not been able to undergo the operation because of the cost — between Sh600,000 and 800,000 — and local doctors’ reluctance to do it.

“A friend once tried to have it done locally but no doctor would do it, although it had been recommended by a psychiatrist, approved by her family and she could afford it.”

Lindsay, once an active church member who even sang in the choir, says she has not been there since she started living as a woman.

Although she misses their company and fellowship, she believes most will condemn her, hence her decision to stay away.

She hopes to join another church, where the members do not know about her past.
Despite such inconveniences, Lindsay is ecstatic. “It feels great to live as a woman.

It is not something people understand easily, but when I compare my life now with what it was like before I began transitioning, I must say I’m living a happy and fulfilling life,” she enthuses.

Any plans to have children?
“I love children, but since I cannot have any of my own, I would be very happy to adopt.”

LINDSAY SAYS HER mother, though still of coming to terms with her transition, remains her closest companion.
“For 21 years my mother was called ‘Mama Leo’, but this now has to change to ‘Mama Lindsay’.

It is not easy for her and I understand. I’m just grateful that she supports me, giving me some of her clothes and offering me fashion tips.

She attends educative seminars and related functions with me.

She is a great mum but I have to give her time and space to fully deal with the situation.”
Reactions from her extended family have been mixed. “Some have accepted my decision, some are trying to deal with it, yet others have rejected me outright. I’ve realised that even those who seem to be understanding feel uneasy when I’m around them.

Others are angry and disappointed, saying I made the wrong move, that I’m too young, that I rushed into it, that this could have been somehow avoided, that I spat in God’s face.

Some have suggested that I be taken to a certain evangelist because I’m possessed by demons and need to be exorcised”.
Lindsay says she avoids friends who knew her as Leo for fear that they migh not accept her.

“We live in a society that does not easily embrace new ideas, especially those that have to do with sexuality, and this is something I have to deal with. I fear that Leo’s friends will not accept me and my decision to transition.”

I sure hope this makes some form of difference in the Kenyan Society.

*XOXO*

20th July: Three Months Later...

(In the usual way...)
Its been three months since I got my surgery and began taking female hormones. Gosh this will be short!

I guess nothing much has change in terms of the body. Am more or less the same. Maybe a slight increase in hip size but that could be just me. I am expecting more of that though hehe...I sure can't wait for that.

What's been bugging me? Dilemma. I know I said it before but with all honesty its still bugging me. I feel kinda bad when am hanging out with a friend, and more so a male friend, who happens to like me a lot and think I'm hot and what not, and even probably wants to date me, and not tell him about my past. Why?

Fear of the unknown. I am scared of how they'd react. Fine, I might have had it smooth with other friends and family but I need to remind myself that that will not be the trend always. Not everyone has embraced the new me. Even some of my relatives who are okay with me being around them still feel kind of uneasy when am with them and worse still, some can't stand the fact that I did this. They feel that I took the wrong turn, that I was too young, I rushed into it, this could have been averted in one way or another, that I spat in God's face etc. So you can see how it can really weigh down on me! Thus, I get somewhat worried about it... wondering "what if...". The unknown.

But...............I do hope that things get better. I do hope that I shall be able to tell the ones that seem to be understanding and are close to me and also try to be more at ease. I know for a fact that this was THE BEST decision I could have made under the circumstances. Do I wish there was an easier way? Who doesn't?

Three months later and I am even more at peace with life than before. Three months later and within two months I shall celebrate a years worth of transitioning! Three months later and...oh gosh...I just can't wait for a year to pass!

Wish me luck!

*XOXO*

The Forseeable.....or not!

Everyone thinks about the future. Even if its tomorrow, or just today in the afternoon. We always wonder, “what next?” or “what will I do later?”. So I often ask myself this question. How will my life be like in the near future? Will I still be with A? Will my aunt and grandparents finally acknowledge me? Will I be able to visit my grandparents in our rural home? Will I be able to sustain myself financially? Will I ever get a job in ordinary companies rather than NGOs? Will I ever have my SRS done? Will it be here in Kenya? So many many questions and its always not an easy thing to do to think about them. A always accuses me of thinking too much. I know its sort of a weakness but I always justify it by saying its the only way I will feel sane; by thinking and re-thinking all my steps. So if I look at some of the questions in my head what shall I be thinking about? Isn't that just another question?

I remember when I started thinking critically about my life and who I was way back in primary school when I was just about 12 yrs old, I remember praying to God telling him to choose a path for me; either boy or girl. Because I felt like I was trapped somewhere in the middle. It wasn't a good feeling at all. I am so glad I am past that. As I read in a friend's blog, making this decision ain't easy. One has to think and re-think it all through, consider all the consequences, both the foreseeable and the not so foreseeable. Honestly, I still have moments where I question the legitimacy of my decicion and its relevance or practicability in my life now and in the time to come. I find I ask myself whether I will be able to handle it all. Then I go back and say that id rather this struggle than the previous misery. Life isn't smooth anyways.

The other day A told me that it would be nice if we would stay together for long. In his words, it would be nice to “grow old together”. Is it just me or do we (when in relationships) sometimes get to that point where we feel like this is it, this is the life I want and nothing else? Yes we do, or so I think. But I (being open-minded and often thinking stuff out on both sides of the coin) also tend to have this thought cross my mind. Don't we also wonder whether this is what we really want and sometimes look over the shoulder while our hands are safely in the other's hands and ask ourselves, “hmm...i wonder whether the grass is greener over there...”. Don't we do that? I do! But (I think) I tend to be different. I tend to stick to the person I am with. I tend to be very faithful and its often just the way I am. I have tried to cheat before and its never something that works. For example, I tried cheating recently but I ended up hating it and not even doing anything at all. All the time my mind was focused on A and how he would hate me if he found out and also how I wish it were him with me and not this other person. Yeah. Life's a bitch like that!

I don't like talking about sex, but when I want to address the SRS topic, it just must be mentioned. I wish I knew how a vajayjay looks like, feels like, smells like, (even tastes like!). Now, don't get me wrong! My inclination didn't change overnight,no. I just am curious. Period. I get tempted to ask one of my gg friends if they can allow me to examnine it properly and see whether this is really what I want. Why? Because sometimes I look down there and wish to myself that it just never was ther. That the only thing that was there was a tiny hole for the urethra. Period. Nothing but. I am not alone. I have a friend (trans) who also feels the same. Probably even trans men feel the same. Other times (most of the times) I wish id have the SRS NOW! Just so id have a reality over my fantasies about it all. Then it still goes back to the question: is intimacy all about penetration? I'm sure I get a slightly sound 'no'. And I know people might beg to differ. Something else I don't say out lound (simply because I feel it ain't none of anyone's biz) is the fact that I don't engage in anal sex. I just find it uncomfortable. There I said it. Maybe someone can nicely describe a vajayjay to me and maybe I will have a clue (if any!).

Hope I can get to write more on stuff that is bugging me about the foreseeable (not) future!

*Looove!*

LIFE GOES ON(2)

Yes, nothing major has happened in my life. Its like I faded into normalcy of girlhood. Still getting the hang of it-being a girl in Nairobi. I love my life. Its easy, manageable and yes, no more pretence. I am so happy. Reminds me of the movie Transamerica where the trans lady, Bree tells the guy from the American Psychiatric (something) whether he finds it interesting that a surgery can cure someone of a mental condition! Well, okay, for me it ain't anything surgical but the fact that I live as me (finally!) is very exciting.

Life as a girl is interesting. Its different from what I had imagined but I cannot rule out the fact that it still is me living. Nothing much has changed. If anything, I am still the same, only dress and look differently. Something I have to keep reminding A about since he was very much concerned about this whole transition thing changing me into “those women” that he doesn't like.

There is some good news though, I finally got a house! Yes! I'm moving by the end of the week and I am ecstatic! Its larger than what I had before and better. But with most things, not everything is spic and span, there are small flaws here and there and some stuff I will have to change up. But all in all I am glad and happy. Things are going better. When me and my mom went to pay for the house, I remember her telling me that she ensured she had gotten all the pronouns and names correctly when talking to the owner so that she doesn't make any mistakes! I really love my mom! She makes things easier :). Can't thank her enough.

And with all this, I pen off. Until another day people. Thanks for being there for me; couldn't have done it without you.

*Hugs!*

LIFE GOES ON...

When I sat down to write this post, I couldn't help but ask myself how come I haven't posted anything since last Monday. Its been a week. One thing that I remember telling myself during the week was that I really didn't have anything much to say. Last week was smooth and simple. Nothing much happened. But I will say one or two things that happened here and there.

My doctor had asked me to have an ultrasound to see if I have internal ovaries and I went and did it. Turns out I don't have any. Everything is intact, “just as a man's anatomy should be”, said the examiner. (I have paraphrased). Of course this wasn't something id want to hear. A had made a joke that if I was indeed with internal ovaries, he'd make me pregnant and marry me ASAP! That was funny. He's rationale was that it would be easy to convince people that I was indeed female with them than the way it is now. So too bad. At least I never put it into my head that the chance was high; I knew it wasn't possible. But I couldn't help but wonder how it would have been to have such. Could I have had babies at last? My! Its something I always dream about-having babies. Something I wonder whether I will be able to handle-motherhood. I tell my friends id want/wish to be able to get pregnant and experience the joys(and pains) of child-bearing; motherhood. But I am still young. Lets see what happens.

I had stopped taking anti-androgens since I was planning to have my Orchidectomy but I am now back on them. This is because I decided to post pone the surgery to a date that I would be comfortable with. January was too demanding both physically and financially. So in a few days I will also be starting my estrogen. I have booked an appointment with the doctor and I just simply cant wait for them :).

In general, life has been easy. At home there has been no qualms, I still haven't moved houses though I still think I should move (I think I'm just lazy!). Work is going on well. My relationship with A is fine; maybe even better than before since its growing more and more each day. My family is okay, I still wish I could join them for special occasions. Which reminds me, this past weekend I was invited to my two young cousins' birthday party and I simply couldn't attend. My older cousins invited me and kept asking me why I wasn't showing up but I reminded them that they are older and they know who I am now while the younger ones still have no clue. This also happened again last year when one of my relatives invited me for Christmas lunch and I couldn't go since her husband didn't know that I began a new leaf plus the same young kids also don't know. Which makes me wonder, how do I come out to these young ones? How do I explain to them what happened to me. How do I tell them that I really was a girl but I was dressing as a boy or some story like that. This is such a dilemma for me because it leaves me very little to chose from. Of course when I started my transition I knew that one of the repercussions of doing this was that id lose some of my family and relatives. Simply because they'd find it hard to accept the new me or just to lose the 'boy' they had once known.

This post, like the last one, may sound boring but on a lighter note, I did do something nice last Sunday. I went out!and one thing happened that I never expected. I was hit on by a chic... and i liked it! Kinda reminded me of that song by Katey Perry-I kissed a girl and I liked It. It was a gay party on a Sunday and turn out was really low. My spontaneity got the best of me and so I put on my stilettos and went there to celebrate with my queer friends. She was a butch lesbian and she liked me. She saw me in the ladies room area and told me how hot I was. Then later at the bar counter she came to me with her butch lesbian friend and told me “you're really hot. are you gay?” i reply, “well, i date men, but you never know about women!” Haha! I was laughing inside. It was really nice! Mama mia! gosh the stilettos hurt my feet! I told myself I'm wasn't going to wear any high shoes again that week!

**Great week Y'all!!!**

REPERCUSSIONS

When I began my transition about 5 months ago, (wow! Its already been five months!!) I knew what I was getting into. And just to be safe and prepared, I braced myself for the worst. I knew that with my mom being on my side, things would be easier but I still had to put it in my head that things won't be easy as pie. I had many fears about many aspects of my would-be new life. For instance, I knew I'd be forced to move from my house since it would look funny to neighbors seeing this androgynously looking person passing by. I love my house and I didn't wanna move. So I stayed on and braved it up; thinking I will move soon. Now, things are different. Ive never been confronted or anything but I still feel funny each time I leave my house or alight the bus to go to my house. I remember telling myself that I should move and that it wasn't wise, but each time I thought of house hunting I felt bad. House hunting in Nairobi can be a horrible nightmare. I didn't want to go through it. But definitely every time I am out and in the neighborhood I get that funny feeling. I hear people commenting behind my back but I ignore it. Like today, I was in heels and I was passing by one of the garages when after passing I heard one guy ask the other 'is that a woman or a man?'. I never look back. I often get a slight shiver when I hear such comments only seconds after ive passed by but I always just try to ignore them. As of this moment, I am still there. Five months down the line. I keep telling myself “surely they must have gotten used to me?”. I know that may sound foolish, but to be honest, I want to move, not because of the surroundings but to a better house.

It pains me a lot knowing that my aunt, who I considered a very good mentor and role model, was not as open minded as I thought. She is the one I blogged about here. I think she didn't like the fact that I even put her word here. But I said to myself, if people don't see what we go through, how else are they gonna know why we do what we do? Even when reading articles like this one, its so true that its hard for people to fully understand what we go through if they are not going through it themselves. Its even harder, very hard, for those who still have a challenge in accepting your newly revealed existing reality. I love my aunt. The other day I tried to call her and when she picked up the phone I said “its your new niece” and she answered (rather flatly)”i don't have a new niece”. It hurt me. It hurt me real bad. I don't know if she feels bad me writing about her in my blog, (she knows I blog) but I just have to share this so people get to see the real picture. Transition isn't a bed of roses. For my elder relatives, they insist that I have a demon and I need exorcism. They even asked one of my cousins to take me to a revered pastor known for casting out demons on tv. It pains me, but I understand them. It took me a real while to come to terms with this and it wasn't before years of prayer and fasting.

Yes. I did pray and fast about this and I did it for years. I don't know if even my mother knows about this but its true. During my late years in primary school, right after I got saved/born again, I prayed feverently for God to choose a clear path for me. I asked Him several times to tell me which side I belong to. Most of my prayers were instigated by the fact that I was constantly teased for being different. A girly-boy. A sissy as the Americans say. 'Kasupuu' was my nick name back then. It means 'sweet one' in sheng, a kind of slang in Kenya. Even then, I still had admirers. Boys who would take any chance they got to fondle me. Not my pps, but any other place. Even then I still flirted a lot with the ones I liked. And played games with girls mostly and not boys. Only when I was older and saved did I try to change. I tried playing football, didn't work. I tried sagging, failed miserably. I ensured I was around 'macho boys' to see if some of it could rub off on me, they called me even more names. Eventually, coupled with the fact that I was being raped by another boy in my dorm, I got ulcers and sunk into deep stress. Doctors could not fathom the idea of a 12 year old boy being stressed! And of course I couldn't possibly tell them of my 'split personality'.

As the years went by I tried to come to terms with it. Puberty hit and voices started to break. It was devastating. I remember telling my mom I had started growing hips and she didn't get it. I was hinting to her what I had known about me. She still didn't get it. Then I told her of my crush in high school(i schooled in an all boys school). She down played it saying that the crush was due to the fact that I never had a father around. I reminded her that I had been in boarding school almost all through my young life but she would hear non of it. I went ahead to find out what was wrong with me. Still I was praying, now even fasting. It still weighed heavily on me. I blamed my drop in grades to it (in primary I was very good-top 5). Then that last year of form four a story came out that I was having relationships with boys in school. They were true but they were blown out of proportion. It was a harrowing 9 months of schooling. But I made it through. I thank God for that and even for now. I thank Him for the protection He has been giving me and continues to freely give me up to now.

I miss my old life; about 20% of it. Now, life is so much easier. Granted its a bit harder, seeing that I have to 'pass' as a girl and not cause a stir when I'm out in public but yet still, its better than before. I look forward to better things to come. I am almost beginning my estrogens and my Orchiectomy is also in the offing. I am kinda scared but excited at the same time. One, because its a scary thing to do surgery. Two, because I shall finally be rid of all male hormones! Three, because I shall begin feminizing my body. These make me happy. As you all know, transsexuals don't feel okay with the way their bodies developed (I don't like saying they hate their bodies because for me, I love my body-it only needs a bit of work!) and therefore anything that alters their bodies for good is a mighty leap into happiness and contentment. If you are one of those people who still have their reservations about someone changing their bodies or stuff like that, think of it this way. This is a person who knows for sure, without a doubt, that they will not function properly as human beings the way they are. Since it is known for a fact that other methods have failed, and that the only successful one is transition(same link), then you try and put yourself in my shoes. Most people will tell you “if it were me, I would continue living and deal with it. I would let God handle it”. Fine, I agree, but I, being one to question, will ask the simple question. “What next?”. I never said I wouldn't do it, I'm just saying that I would continue being tormented inside. Again, I consider myself straight. The idea of being gay just wouldn't swallow properly. God has shown me that I can live a full life and still be His child. Granted, my views on Christianity is that most of it its full of fundamentalism that tends to forget God!

I never intended for this post to be long so I hope I am forgiven. Taking it easy will be something I will have to embrace.

Love U all!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Wow! Happy new year y'all! New year, new look! It took me about an hour and a half to choose this new look and here we are now! Yippee!

Its been a whole year and yeah its been great. Major ups and downs, and minor one too. So I wanna thank you all for the support you have given me all through the last year and I indeed look forward to a better time this 2010!

Like always, I have so many stuff going on in my head and several debates rage on about what to type and what not to! Ha ha! Still, I have to write, or at least, I want to write. Gives me joy and mostly peace. I do this, as it says on my “About Me”, to try and give my fellow Kenyans and the rest of the world a view of the life of a Kenyan Transgender. My life. I am glad that some of my relatives read my blog. Maybe the ones who don't understand what is going on with me or better put, what the hell I am doing, will someday understand and maybe, just maybe, accept or at the very least, tolerate more.

I have many hopes for the new year. I am, as you all know, continuing with my transition and it really takes a toll on you. So without a doubt, most of my focus will be on this. For one, I am looking forward to getting my prescription for estrogen since I have never began those. I am also looking forward to having my small surgery hopefully next week. I don't want to waste any time because the more I wait the more the testosterone in my body continues to work against me. It is unfortunate that this “work in progress” costs so much but then again, people have problems. Most of them cost money do solve don't they?

I apologize to all for what I am about to mention. I just felt its something people wonder and I wanna give my part of it. Since I am a girl, the thought of having 'something' sticking out of you instead of having a 'hole' is very disturbing; and thats just me using pretty words! I usually don't use the word “hate”, mainly because I am thankful for everything, but to be honest to everything and most importantly to myself, I just don't like that “thing”. I'm sure everyone whose read a thing or two about transsexualism and what it means to be a transsexual, know that virtually all of them wish to undergo sexual reassignment surgery. Like me and my FTM (Female to Male) friend, we don't like what we see when we look at ourselves and in simple terms, we wish desperately that we could swap and be happy. Echoing the words of my aunt, many wonder why someone who has very well developed 'organs' would want to 'destroy' them in any way. I always say that I also wish it wasn't like so, that I wasn't going through what I'm going through now, that somehow, it would have been solved in a different way. But the reality is that this is my life, this is whats happening and this is who I am. Just like no baby wishes to be born, no person asks for the tribulations they go through. Yes, some do, but I'm talking about issues such as what I have. I however, now more than ever, are a happier, joyous, peaceful person than I was before and I now do not have as much thoughts and worries as I had before. Life has much more meaning now, even though I know the many trials and tribulations that I will have to undergo because of my status. The many dreams that I have will be much easier achieved now but will be harder to begin. This is because of the environment that I live in here in Kenya. Until people know that we exist and that there is nothing wrong with being different, we will always have troubles and struggles to go through.

My Christmas was good. It wasn't much because I didn't spend it with family as I would have wanted to but still, it was lovely. There really isn't much to write about on that period.

My New Year however was really great. I got the chance to go out again (I say that because I really don't go out that much) and I absolutely enjoyed it. Some would say it wasn't much because I left the club at around 2pm but for me that was a milestone. I ushered in the new year in style and I wasn't alone. Some guy (who happened to be straight!) I met there made it worthwhile. I had my nice high heel shoes and my favorite skirt on and a bare-back top! Thats a look that you'll rarely see me in! Oh and by the way, girls in Nairobi will only wear a skirt if its tight and if it was way above the knee, especially when going out! Mine was neither nor! Ha ha!

In essence, I had a great time this holiday, considering the fact that I was at home, a break away from work, and most of my days were spent in the house relaxing. I also had time to spend with my guy here and there. Unfortunately, his line of work meant that he was busier than ever during the season and now that it has ended, our tables are turned. My work begins while his dies down. Either way, I am glad and thankful.

I could say more, but let me save that for future posts.

**Hugs!**

SECURITY!!!

My neighborhood seems to have become unsafe. I now really need to move. Why? Well its like this.

I started my transition just over three months ago. I never moved from where I I lived. That means that my neighbors and people who live or work in my neighborhood have seen me before; when I lived as a guy. Fine, they don't know me, they don't know who I am, but surely they know that this person lives around here. I have lived there for over a year now. Granted, when I began my transition I knew that for me not to have any squabbles with neighbors I should have moved. But getting a house in Nairobi sure is a lot of work and I couldn't jeopardize my work in my new job. So I braved up and continued living. For the first month and a half I looked kinda like my old self. Very little had changed. I only had my ears pierced and thats it. I still had short relaxed hair, I still wore androgynously, but I had breast enhancers on. I was extremely scared every time I went out. I hadn't changed much but now I expected myself to be female and not male and try as much as possible to be convincing enough to everyone and anyone. Definitely this look led to my being confronted by that hotel guard I blogged about here.

The second month saw me change my hairstyle and put on dreadlocks. The ones made with black thread. Again, I was extremely bold in doing this and going out every single day in public and still trying to maintain my femininity amid increasingly confused stares coming my way. I could see the neighbors getting uneasy everytime I passed by. They also would mumble words to themselves whenever id pass by. This still gave me shivers but I braved on. Still not moving. I really love this house. Seeing that I was not confronted by anyone, I felt that it probably was 'kinda' safe to live here and I should continue with my life bravely and not care as to who's who. I got encouraged to continue by some of my friends and one of them told me that I should be ready to face my fears. Again, probably where I would move to could be far worse.

In the third month I again changed my hairstyle. This time I put on a very feminine hairstyle; braids! The braids I have on are very feminine. They are curly, long and black. They give me such a nice look and I really love them. So of course this was going to shake some more ground in my home surroundings. That same week, I put on a skirt for the very first time. I had been wearing jeans and trousers all along. The second week came and I put on a skirt again. Third week, the same. The following day after this third time my friend and neighbor alerted me of something he'd heard being discussed by some neighbors around. It was about this guy who lives around and has started wearing skirts and like a girl! That was me! This was the first time I had heard that I was being discussed. And he told me he had heard it before. Chills ran down my spine. I was petrified beyond comprehension. That night I didn't sleep well. Neither did my mother because immediately after my friend gave me the exposé, I told her about it.

So this means that I need to move. And I need to do this fast! Fine, I still haven't been confronted, but I do not want to continue provoking them in any kind of way because one of the things that my friend heard one guy say was that the guy would make advances to me so as to try and find out if I really am a girl or something. I am now looking for a house and will probably move by the end of the year or early next year. I hope to find a good house in a good neighborhood where people mind their own lives and there are no nosy neighbors!

Pray for me my dear friends. Pray that I get a good house that I can call home. Where I can live as myself without fear of being ostracized or anything!


**HUGZ**

YOUNG , LEARNING AND KEEPING STRONG

As the days go by, into my last three months of my job, I am now changing tact. Indeed the words of my superiors made me think a lot about where I am headed and what I should do with my life and with my many talents. It came out clearly that I am immensely resourceful and have lots of potential to do great things and go many places. This made me think about myself and what I am to do with me. I know all the things they said about me, but to be honest, this transition has made my confidence levels drop! I have to be honest with myself. Something else I was told was not to blame my laxity on my transition. This is also true. Somehow I have blamed even my lack of sociality on the fact that I am a transgender and in Kenya. Truth be told, life as a trans girl in Kenya ain't easy. I know Ive said this before. It sure ain't. But once you get over yourself and start living, it can get easier. (My boss' tha best!). She told me that I knew that life would become more complicated once I began my transition and its a decision I made knowing full well the consequences. In all honesty, I have asked myself these questions time and again: am I on the right path? Is it all worth it? Will I trip, fall and turn back? Which life is better? This one or the old one? Am I happier? Will I make it? These questions all get answered somehow in the next few minutes after asking myself. I ensure I end up with positive energy and that I feel fine. I am beautiful and I thank God for that. Definitely, walking around the streets of Nairobi make m nervous, I am less nervous now than before. I feel more confident because of my new hairstyle. It gives me the femme look that I always yearned for. I had small dreadlocks before but even those still made me a bit uncomfy. Either way, just being a tranny in Nairobi is hard work and very brave!

So the day I was alighting from a bus and just as I stood up to alight, I noticed something. My 'friend downstairs' was peeping out! Somehow it had slid out of where I had carefully tucked it away. To make matters worse, I was wearing a tight short skirt! OMG! I was so scared! It was a good thing that I was headed for work so I walked as fast as I could in my high heels trying as hard as I can to make sure its not visible! That experience was terrible. Its happened before but only when I'm wearing trousers or jeans (I wear these most of the times) and so its usually not much of a scare. But that day's incident really freaked me out!

I began wearing skirts immediately I got my new hairdo. It somehow gave me the confidence to strut out into Nairobi looking glamorous in a skirt; something I had never done and had been looking forward to for such a long time. This was my third time out in a skirt and it always gave me the jitters. Mostly it did because I'm usually uncomfortable with my slightly broad shoulders and smaller hips and wider waistline. I have to admit, I was blessed with a naturally curvy body so I've always wanted to flaunt that. But seeing how broad my shoulders were made me a little scared. So I always make sure I'm wearing a jacket or jumper on top. I am yet to get the courage to walk in Nairobi with a tight top and bottom on, showing all my curves without being scared.

Something else that I still am very conscious about is my neck. I have an AA. Of course I don't like it but its there. So when I'm out in public I'm usually wearing a scarf, no matter how hot it may be because I'm scared of people noticing my AA. Again, because of facial hair and years of constant and frequent shaving, my skin below the chin is very rough and shadowy. Its easy to tell that I have been shaving and I have those razor bumps and the dark shades below my neck. On the face I hide those with foundation but having an oily face only makes my face look plump and shiny; something I definitely don't want to see. I keep telling myself that I ain't the only girl in Nairobi let alone the whole of Kenya who has skin issues and I should just be okay with myself and try to be thankful for what I already have. I also keep reminding myself that there are plenty of girls out there that don't have a curvy body and still have wide-looking shoulders and that I should be thankful that I have one!

Either way, I am doing my best and I am thankful to God for giving me the strength to carry on. I know life will be difficult but I am able to make it through and make it big.

No matter the circumstances I will survive. I will make the best out of my life!

THE LOW DAYS (Dated October 24th)

Well, as the title says, I am, or was, going through one of the lowest moments I've had since I began my journey. There are so many issues that have cropped up that have left me so confused if not stressed and now more than ever I clearly see why I was recently diagnosed with ulcers. The biggest cause of ulcers is stress!!! As of today, I was to meet a special friend of mine but he wasn't able to make it and funny enough it was at this very low moment and I needed him the most. Secondly, I went to town today to meet a friend of mine who I hadn't seen I a long while and the plan was for him to come see my place/house. Somehow I ended up staying in town with him at a pub and having a soda. A friend of his came over and said he was meeting someone else. In the process of waiting for that friend he asked for a phone so he could call him since his had a battery fault and kept going off. I offered him mine (inside my head I thought “well, he's a friend to my friend, and besides, he asked for my friend's phone and he had returned it so...”) and he went out with it since the pub was noisy. A few minutes later I realized that he wasn't coming back so I asked my friend to go look for him. I smelled a rat because my phone didn't have much airtime so there was no way he would have been talking on phone for that long. I got worried and dashed out, pulling my friend out and asking him what sort of nonsense he was trying to pull. He insisted that he never knew why his friend disappeared. I figured in my head that since this was a long time friend I could trust him to get my phone back. So I left. Later that evening I called up my friend using another phone and he said he had tried reaching that guy but wasn't going through. I felt cheated, embarrassed and angry all at the same time. I just couldn't fathom that my friend, someone I had known for over ten years would do such a thing to me!! And even more crazy was that the next day my friends phone wouldn't get through. I just cannot believe it!

Back to my special friend, its been a while since I've seen him and I'm feeling very lonely. I know people may be wondering why I don't call him a boyfriend or my guy. Its simply because I consider him just as that. A special friend. He is more than just a friend. Its just that I don't think I have reached that point where I can comfortably call him my boyfriend or my guy. Until I am okay with that, it will remain as is. And on the same note, until I see him, I will remain miserable.

Still on being low, I recently mentioned that my mom (brave as she is!) went to my grandparents and broke the news (of my situation and subsequent journey into transitioning) to them. It wasn't easy. I'm not sure whether I want to divulge more info on the matter but what I can tell y'all is that one of them wasn't too happy about it at all. They said that I was being deviant, that I was possessed by a demon spirit from the pits of Hell, that I was in dire need of prayers! They even went to the extent of calling up my supportive cousins and telling them not to support what I am doing, that its ungodly that they should instead take me to a renowned local pastor that is known for his (and God's, I presume) ability to perform 'exorcism' on demon possessed persons in the society. It is unbelievable yes, but its the reality. I am still recollecting myself from that massive blow and trying to keep my shoulders held high and my spirituality and faith in God, yes, the same God she believes in.

in as much as I write about being down, I still try to remind myself that its normal to have ups and downs, that we all go through those. And I hope for the best.

The best is yet to come.

TWO WEEKS LATER...

Of late I have not been able to update my blog on the ongoings in my life and its largely because I have been having a lot of work lately thus denying me the luxury of sitting down to come up with comprehensive words describing my near-boring life!

Apart from dissing myself there, life hasn't been met without the usual ups and downs. It sometimes worries me to be writing about me and my life seeing that I personally tend to be very private. It also sometimes saddens me that I don't get to follow my fellow bloggers' blogs properly (as I would like to) because of the lack of time. (I say this despite the fact that we all have 24hrs in a day!!).

Now to update you on what's been happening; what I've been up to, lemme start by telling you that I was diagnosed with Ulcers! Now now, lets not jump into conclusions by saying, “Oh no! Its a case of stress! Oh you poor thing!”. Well, quite frankly, it was! But not entirely though. I also haven't been eating well. You see, I used to work for a catering company (I must've mentioned this somewhere else) and thereby used to eat nice, well cooked, healthy, FREE meals!! Expectedly, I never cooked at home, unless I had visitors over or was on leave. But now, now cooking is something I have to 'reinvent', remind myself. My mom keeps telling me, “If you ever get married, you will be one disappointing wife!”. Funny as it may sound, its not, in reality. In our culture, a young woman should know her way around the kitchen EXTREMELY well. As someone said in a radio recently, a good woman/wife should be a chef in the kitchen, a friend in the living room, a partner in public and a slut in the bedroom!

So, yes. I did have an ulcer scare. It lasted about three weeks and during this time I didnt have any hormones. I felt bad for that but I couldn't help stopping knowing very well that one of the side effects of the drugs is nausea and stuff!

I am now back on meds and I am relatively happy. I say relatively because there are still so many other issues that have been cropping up and its weighing heavily on me. I hope that I will be able to create time so that I can share these issues with y'all. Otherwise for now, I will stop there.


But I will leave you with a question. For those in transition and or completed transitioning, how much did it cost, roughly? Could you break it down simply into total cost, cost of meds, cost of srs(if any) and also into yearly, monthly, weekly and daily costs especially for the hrt(meds).

Thanks y'all. Happy blogging!!

CHOICE OR REALITY?

I came to the office today and saw an email from a relative who isn't too accepting of what I am doing. In her words, “I don't agree with what you're about to do to yourself and I keep praying that something happens to stop you. I wish you could wait until you're older. I can understand that a person can feel more inclined to the opposite gender than their own and thats why we hear girls being called tomboys coz they behave like boys or boys being called sissies coz they behave like gals. what I cant understand is going to the extreme of actually changing your body by taking drugs through out your life and even doing surgery to change your organs - organs which have already been created and formed perfectly and are not deformed in any way.”

So I felt inclined to reply and pour my heart out. Eventually I thought it would be nice to share this with you. My thoughts:-

Its not gonna be smooth sailing.

Here was the reply.

Hey.

I have said this before and i will say it again since i totally understand how or why it is very hard for you to understand, let alone accept who i am. You have no idea how tormenting this issue has been on me all my life however short its been. No one ever wants to be unhappy or feel tormented or sad or confused or depressed or stressed or have ulcers as a result of such. I never chose this for myself. I have prayed feverently that i go one way. I have stressed myself when i was younger trying to fit into this masculinity that i supposedly belonged to. I even had my Christian friends pray for me, 'kuniwekelea mikono'(laying hands on me) and stuff like that. I have been suffering in silence and the only thing that kept me going was my faith in God. He is the only reason i kept on living. Believe it or not, I have considered suicide several times in my life. I still wish this wasnt happening and that i was just a normal young handsome man who would one day marry a beautiful girl and live a normal life. Its not the case. Its not my fault. I cannot blame God. I cannot say its Satan. Actually I don't know. Maybe it is. I don't know. All I know right now is that, even if currently i look like those tomboys coz I'm a girl, I'm happy. I now live as Linsay. A girl. One that has always existed since January 2nd 1988 usiku. She never knew what was going on. She never knew why it was happening. Why she loved dressing up in her moms clothes yet everyone told her 'stop doing that! you are a boy!'. She was so confused when it was so easy doing girl stuff like playing 'kalongo' and 'kati' and 'bladder' and 'hapo' and playing with dolls, yet when it came to interacting with 'fellow boys', it was difficult; an uphill task. She would get so worried and confused and have mixed feelings when she would get nick names such as 'kasuppuu' in primary and when boys her age would treat her differently from her 'fellow boy-mates'. She kept wondering why it was so easy relating with girls than it was relating with boys in that primary school. She got even more confused when puberty hit and all her feelings were feminine. Her gait, mannerisms and even thought process. She wondered why she couldn't be like her 'fellow boy-mates'. It was hard for her. To make matters more confusing, since puberty was also there for her friends, the ones in the same dorm as she would like to tease her, telling her how pretty she was and some even went to the extent of touching her in 'suggestive' ways. She stressed over why boys did that to her asking herself 'si we are all boys?'. Her stressed shot up even more when one boy blackmailed her into having 'relations' with her because she lost something of his. This was emotional rape. It was horrendous. Doing something unwillingly. She wondered, 'aren't there girls in this school that he could go for? why me?'. Thats a question that would repeat itself in her mind all through her young life "Why Me??". Her spiritual life fell apart. The confusion grew rapidly. Her stress levels skyrocketed. She was diagnosed with stress induced ulcers. She contemplated suicide. It wasnt easy. She couldn't do it. She still believed there was a reason why she was going through what she was. She sought for answers in the Internet. She saw 'gay' and thought, 'no this isn't me. I'm not a man, but then this body...'. She saw transsexual/transgender. Then had the 'aha!' moment....

I could go on, but i hope you get my drift. It was not a choice I made to be who I am, it was the choice to embrace my reality and be happy that i made. I seriously do wish it was different; 'in tandem with the norm'. Its not. Someone described this as "Having the brain of a girl and the body parts of a boy". Thats me. Crazy, yes. Delinquent? Maybe. Human? Yes. Very. I am happy. Happier than i have ever felt in my entire life. I now see my future happening. I now see myself fulfilling properly all the dreams i have and had. I now can be myself and not worry about whether I am 'convincing enough'.

In any case, I thank you for being there for me, when you were there and even now when you cant stand what I'm doing.

May God Bless you and help you understand, somehow.



Yours,

Lindsay.

KEEP YOUR HEAD UP!!!

Its approximately one month since I started Transitioning and my new job. I have lots of stuff to be thankful for. First of all, its been a month and I am coping well. I am learning to ignore the stares and to keep my head up. I am learning to be myself and not to worry too much. Somehow, the first few weeks were stressful. I kept shivering whenever I had to walk in town and probably interact with people. Somehow, slowly all this fear is shedding off slowly. I am learning to tell myself that we are all unique, weird and self conscious. We fear what we don't understand, most people do actually, and thus, let go of the fear as you embrace understanding.
My hair is growing slowly, I am planning to make it look better, somewhat weirder! But thats me. I want to see how I look and I pretty much don't care what people think about it.
I still am slightly worried about where I live since I haven't moved out of the place and so most people there knew me or have seen me before in say suits and ties! So I think its quite weird for them. (see, I don't want to be just about me me me, but also those around me.).
Work is going on well, we just finished a huge project that involved meeting people from the LGBTI community in East and South Africa together with their Donors. It was a real learning experience and I got to meet other transgender persons, most of them being FTM's. It was very informative and I wouldn't have missed it for the world.
I went out for a Bash, basically involving the Q-Community!! It was a blast! I strutted out in my best outfit (The only one I had! Lol!) and made sure I had the most fun ever. It was my first time out in the public in such 'body-hugging' clothes and I looked hot! (and that's not my comments!). It was also the first time out in public wearing high heels(very high indeed) and make-up! My feet still hurt! Lol! Ultimately, enjoyed myself. One incident that happened was that, since it was full of the queer group and most Kenyans don't know well that Trans girls exist, most people at the party thought I was a Lesbian! (forgive me for tutting my own horn!!). Plus there was this guy who claimed to be bisexual who followed me all over and I couldn't help but think of the way regular girls would get thoroughly hit on by guys in clubs! I was one of them! Finally! That night, I felt things I had never felt before! Things that only existed in my head, my dreams, fantasies. I saw things happen to me, as I do them, that I only saw happening to other girls when I used to go out. I felt on top of the world. The Christian in me kept reminding me to be careful so I was, but I ensured that I enjoyed myself to the max!!!

Somehow, I just narrated my two weeks of existence since the last blog post and well, a lot of other stuff happened but that was, and must have been the most exhilarating week I had ever had!!

I cant wait for another opportunity like that one; but then again, its no longer in the closet! Its all out there. I didn't have a wig, I was myself, completely! Fine, there is still a lot of work to be done on me, but surely I must be thankful! I must give credit where it is due. This luscious body was created by God. And honestly, I AM THANKFUL!!!!!!!

Be Yourselves Y'all!!

Ciao. Mwah!

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT...

I just realized that I posted a blog on September 11th and I never gave my condolence and prayer to those who suffered during the US Twin Tower's bombing incident (I don't know how many years ago).

It is with deepest sorrow and remorse that I share my condolence to all who lost loved ones in the US Twin Towers bombing and do hope that they feel better. I sincerely pray for you all and also for those who got hurt in anyway that you recover sooner rather than later. My words may not be enough but what I feel for you only God can testify. May The Living God surely Be your guide and Protector now and forever more, AMEN!!

Now that that part is done, the question 'why' registers in my head. I don't know why (see what I mean!) it is but its there. I am coping well with the transition and I just wanted to let you all know what transpired this weekend. (someone told me I'm making my life public but then again, how would people know about the Transgender Issues if I don't share my experiences, and again, I'm in Kenya, I probably am the 1st – and feel free to prove me wrong- girl to share my experience.)

On Saturday I met this lady from UK who was a trangender and it was really amazing. She is like 60-something plus she used to be a guy! Now she is a lady, old lady to be precise and loving her life. She isn't like me, she started her transition about 5 years ago when she had already married and had kinds and even grandkids! So she definitely wasn't as lucky/blessed as I am. She shared her experiences with us, me and other transgender girls in Nairobi and how its been for her those 5 years transitioning. It was such an amazing experience for me and I am so thankful I went there and saw her. She also gave us some well deserved advice. The one that I really took in was 'don't rush it, take it one day at a time'. She attributed this to an anecdote of how some ladies (trans) from the UK, who were older (not my age), when beginning their transition went all out, dressing and stuff and eventually were either molested, beaten up,criticized, ridiculed, etc. it was a bad idea to jump into it rather than taking it slow and being who you are while allowing others time to internalize, understand and probably accept the reality which is your transition. There were other stuff that she mentioned, I may not remember everything to the last detail but something else that came into my mind is that, for me and for all that wish to do what I'm doing or just are happy to see people being happy, just as the hormone replacement therapy takes time, so is your transition, especially in the public world and more so, to your loved ones. It is imperative that while you transition you don't forget that your loved ones are also transitioning; from knowing that boy to trying to know this new girl they never knew existed! Am I right?

Things to think about.

Ciao!