I was rummaging through my old stuff and I came across a journal I wrote when I was having one of 'them days'. I had lots of those. And one way that helped me get through them was through writing down my thoughts, feelings and emotions. Kinda like what I'm doing here. So here it is.
This day was difficult. Something happened and suddenly my peace of mind went blah! I just don't know whats wrong with me. I'm so moody!!! Just now, I smsed my drama director that I will be quitting drama! Just imagine! He has just replied telling me to persevere for a while but I'm telling you the way I feel isn't normal! I don't know whats wrong. I just feel so bad. Everytime I try to be happy I am reminded of my reality; that for me to be true to myself and be happy I have to be myself, and thats not possible right now. Its so saddening. Its so sickening. Makes me feel like cursing the day I was born and altogether giving up on life! Aargh!! I'm saddened sometimes to think that maybe this is what I put on myself. I let this happen to me. Ive always felt pretty and beautiful and today its not like that. Today I'm sad. I'm down. I'm deeply confused, heartbroken, angry, all those mixed feelings! Nowadays I feel like I've lost my glow, the one I had back in high school when I was being hit on my guys knowing perfectly well that it was a boy school! I feel like the manly look is improving by the day. I'm no longer noticeable and even that photo I took of myself looks weird now! Huh! I keep telling myself everyday that I am beautiful both inside and out. I guess it will wade off. These feelings shall go and I will continue with life. But how will it be? I know too well what I am capable of. But I cannot achieve much because I keep holding back. I keep looking over the shoulder. Trying so hard to hide my true self. Trying so hard not to be affected by what people say about me when they see me doing something 'awkward'. I keep reminding myself of my acting skills. I can act like a boy. It will be okay. Even if I'm not one, I can act like one. Maybe it will sink in. The manliness. The masculinity that I so lack. Maybe I will find a way to live this way. Maybe, just maybe. Despite the saying about wishes, I only wish I was on one side. Male or female. Like I would wake up one day and it will be well. That my faith in God somehow makes it happen or someone somewhere gets a sort of vision and makes a prayer and voila! I'm free!! I wish... oh I wish!
It ended that way. Most of it is edited. Some things I couldn't put here. But its what I felt then. About four years ago, when I had just cleared from high school.