Isn't It Amazing?

Today when I woke up in the morning I was feeling rather perky about the day. Its Monday and lots have happened. But thats not why I decided to post this.

I am amazed. I really am. The way things are going now in my life, I simply cannot not be amazed. Life is good. Really. There is no reason for me to complain. Sure, I am a trans and there are troubles that comes with it but, on a more general term, life is quite nice.

I went out on Friday night just after work. Its something I don't do. I went out to meet a friend. Pater Nostra. He was a a bar and had just also come from work. He's such a gentleman. Bought me a drink. I had a good time. I never thought I could do that. I was always the kind to quickly say “pass” when invited to go out just because I didn't like how confused I'd get around people and how sad I felt. Now, thats a different case. I am more confident of myself, more myself than ever before, I feel rejuvenated, like a butterfly out of a cocoon, spreading its wings for the first time... I'm sure some of y'all get me, no?

There is this feeling I craved before. A feeling of belonging. Its that connection you feel within and without. I had always wanted people to see what I saw. I had always felt like I wasn't there. Like I was invisible. Like I was not worth anything. Funny, women want to be noticed. They want to have some approval. I craved for that attention. That noticing. That approval. When it did come, it was not wrapped in the color I wanted. It did not feel the way I wanted it to feel. It wasn't it. It was something else. Something I didn't like. Something I felt seemed wrong. Like a stab in the back. I didn't like that feeling. I never did. Because it was nice words, but nice words that pained me. I took every chance I had to avoid such.

But now things are different. Now I go out and I get the attention. I don't look for it, but I get it. I don't over do anything. I am simple. Yet, I still get it. Some of it. The one I craved for. It nowadays comes. Makes me so happy, no?

Today, some guy in crutches actually stopped to say hi to me. He said, “Sasa Mresh.” i.e. “Hi Beautiful.” ('mresh' is sheng for 'beautiful'). The point here isn't that he's in crutches, (I don't discriminate) but that he noticed. He actually told the guy he was with that he'd say hi. I heard that because he was near the atm I went to withdraw cash from. I went on with my stuff feeling quite nice. Granted this is not the first time I've been told this considering this earlier post, but it still makes me smile. Gives me a nice feeling inside.

On Saturday I went out with my pals and we had fun. I usually don't go out, but its like I've started doing it more often. I like it. And the fact that guys would come up to me and tell me how hot I am makes me cringe sometimes. Not because I don't like them, but just because its amazing how its so much different now compared to before.

I am alive. I am happy. Thats what matters. Someday, somehow, things will get better. People will understand. People will know why. The reason why I don't write much about the going out and stuff, is because I don't want some people to get the wrong idea. Transsexuals don't transition to go out. They don't do it to 'be accepted'. They do it because. Period. Get it? They do it because its who they are. They wish to be themselves. Being accepted is part of it. But the root of it is to be themselves. The person theyve always known they were. Thats how I feel. And I hope, everyday, that our community understands us. Somehow.

Do have a great week y'all!

p.s. I don't know if I said this, but was recently featured in a newspaper article. The article also featured the first ever trans and intersex convening in Kenya.

Tribute to Our Beloved Kenyans

I decided to put this video here that depicts the unity we Kenyans want to see in our country. Its been three years since the PEV (Post Election Violence) and I just love this song for how it makes one think of Peace Love and Unity-the Kenyan Philosophy in the National Anthem and Loyalty Pledge.

Long Live Kenya!


Wakenya Pamoja by Kenyan Artistes United for Peace (right after PEV)

REPERCUSSIONS

When I began my transition about 5 months ago, (wow! Its already been five months!!) I knew what I was getting into. And just to be safe and prepared, I braced myself for the worst. I knew that with my mom being on my side, things would be easier but I still had to put it in my head that things won't be easy as pie. I had many fears about many aspects of my would-be new life. For instance, I knew I'd be forced to move from my house since it would look funny to neighbors seeing this androgynously looking person passing by. I love my house and I didn't wanna move. So I stayed on and braved it up; thinking I will move soon. Now, things are different. Ive never been confronted or anything but I still feel funny each time I leave my house or alight the bus to go to my house. I remember telling myself that I should move and that it wasn't wise, but each time I thought of house hunting I felt bad. House hunting in Nairobi can be a horrible nightmare. I didn't want to go through it. But definitely every time I am out and in the neighborhood I get that funny feeling. I hear people commenting behind my back but I ignore it. Like today, I was in heels and I was passing by one of the garages when after passing I heard one guy ask the other 'is that a woman or a man?'. I never look back. I often get a slight shiver when I hear such comments only seconds after ive passed by but I always just try to ignore them. As of this moment, I am still there. Five months down the line. I keep telling myself “surely they must have gotten used to me?”. I know that may sound foolish, but to be honest, I want to move, not because of the surroundings but to a better house.

It pains me a lot knowing that my aunt, who I considered a very good mentor and role model, was not as open minded as I thought. She is the one I blogged about here. I think she didn't like the fact that I even put her word here. But I said to myself, if people don't see what we go through, how else are they gonna know why we do what we do? Even when reading articles like this one, its so true that its hard for people to fully understand what we go through if they are not going through it themselves. Its even harder, very hard, for those who still have a challenge in accepting your newly revealed existing reality. I love my aunt. The other day I tried to call her and when she picked up the phone I said “its your new niece” and she answered (rather flatly)”i don't have a new niece”. It hurt me. It hurt me real bad. I don't know if she feels bad me writing about her in my blog, (she knows I blog) but I just have to share this so people get to see the real picture. Transition isn't a bed of roses. For my elder relatives, they insist that I have a demon and I need exorcism. They even asked one of my cousins to take me to a revered pastor known for casting out demons on tv. It pains me, but I understand them. It took me a real while to come to terms with this and it wasn't before years of prayer and fasting.

Yes. I did pray and fast about this and I did it for years. I don't know if even my mother knows about this but its true. During my late years in primary school, right after I got saved/born again, I prayed feverently for God to choose a clear path for me. I asked Him several times to tell me which side I belong to. Most of my prayers were instigated by the fact that I was constantly teased for being different. A girly-boy. A sissy as the Americans say. 'Kasupuu' was my nick name back then. It means 'sweet one' in sheng, a kind of slang in Kenya. Even then, I still had admirers. Boys who would take any chance they got to fondle me. Not my pps, but any other place. Even then I still flirted a lot with the ones I liked. And played games with girls mostly and not boys. Only when I was older and saved did I try to change. I tried playing football, didn't work. I tried sagging, failed miserably. I ensured I was around 'macho boys' to see if some of it could rub off on me, they called me even more names. Eventually, coupled with the fact that I was being raped by another boy in my dorm, I got ulcers and sunk into deep stress. Doctors could not fathom the idea of a 12 year old boy being stressed! And of course I couldn't possibly tell them of my 'split personality'.

As the years went by I tried to come to terms with it. Puberty hit and voices started to break. It was devastating. I remember telling my mom I had started growing hips and she didn't get it. I was hinting to her what I had known about me. She still didn't get it. Then I told her of my crush in high school(i schooled in an all boys school). She down played it saying that the crush was due to the fact that I never had a father around. I reminded her that I had been in boarding school almost all through my young life but she would hear non of it. I went ahead to find out what was wrong with me. Still I was praying, now even fasting. It still weighed heavily on me. I blamed my drop in grades to it (in primary I was very good-top 5). Then that last year of form four a story came out that I was having relationships with boys in school. They were true but they were blown out of proportion. It was a harrowing 9 months of schooling. But I made it through. I thank God for that and even for now. I thank Him for the protection He has been giving me and continues to freely give me up to now.

I miss my old life; about 20% of it. Now, life is so much easier. Granted its a bit harder, seeing that I have to 'pass' as a girl and not cause a stir when I'm out in public but yet still, its better than before. I look forward to better things to come. I am almost beginning my estrogens and my Orchiectomy is also in the offing. I am kinda scared but excited at the same time. One, because its a scary thing to do surgery. Two, because I shall finally be rid of all male hormones! Three, because I shall begin feminizing my body. These make me happy. As you all know, transsexuals don't feel okay with the way their bodies developed (I don't like saying they hate their bodies because for me, I love my body-it only needs a bit of work!) and therefore anything that alters their bodies for good is a mighty leap into happiness and contentment. If you are one of those people who still have their reservations about someone changing their bodies or stuff like that, think of it this way. This is a person who knows for sure, without a doubt, that they will not function properly as human beings the way they are. Since it is known for a fact that other methods have failed, and that the only successful one is transition(same link), then you try and put yourself in my shoes. Most people will tell you “if it were me, I would continue living and deal with it. I would let God handle it”. Fine, I agree, but I, being one to question, will ask the simple question. “What next?”. I never said I wouldn't do it, I'm just saying that I would continue being tormented inside. Again, I consider myself straight. The idea of being gay just wouldn't swallow properly. God has shown me that I can live a full life and still be His child. Granted, my views on Christianity is that most of it its full of fundamentalism that tends to forget God!

I never intended for this post to be long so I hope I am forgiven. Taking it easy will be something I will have to embrace.

Love U all!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Wow! Happy new year y'all! New year, new look! It took me about an hour and a half to choose this new look and here we are now! Yippee!

Its been a whole year and yeah its been great. Major ups and downs, and minor one too. So I wanna thank you all for the support you have given me all through the last year and I indeed look forward to a better time this 2010!

Like always, I have so many stuff going on in my head and several debates rage on about what to type and what not to! Ha ha! Still, I have to write, or at least, I want to write. Gives me joy and mostly peace. I do this, as it says on my “About Me”, to try and give my fellow Kenyans and the rest of the world a view of the life of a Kenyan Transgender. My life. I am glad that some of my relatives read my blog. Maybe the ones who don't understand what is going on with me or better put, what the hell I am doing, will someday understand and maybe, just maybe, accept or at the very least, tolerate more.

I have many hopes for the new year. I am, as you all know, continuing with my transition and it really takes a toll on you. So without a doubt, most of my focus will be on this. For one, I am looking forward to getting my prescription for estrogen since I have never began those. I am also looking forward to having my small surgery hopefully next week. I don't want to waste any time because the more I wait the more the testosterone in my body continues to work against me. It is unfortunate that this “work in progress” costs so much but then again, people have problems. Most of them cost money do solve don't they?

I apologize to all for what I am about to mention. I just felt its something people wonder and I wanna give my part of it. Since I am a girl, the thought of having 'something' sticking out of you instead of having a 'hole' is very disturbing; and thats just me using pretty words! I usually don't use the word “hate”, mainly because I am thankful for everything, but to be honest to everything and most importantly to myself, I just don't like that “thing”. I'm sure everyone whose read a thing or two about transsexualism and what it means to be a transsexual, know that virtually all of them wish to undergo sexual reassignment surgery. Like me and my FTM (Female to Male) friend, we don't like what we see when we look at ourselves and in simple terms, we wish desperately that we could swap and be happy. Echoing the words of my aunt, many wonder why someone who has very well developed 'organs' would want to 'destroy' them in any way. I always say that I also wish it wasn't like so, that I wasn't going through what I'm going through now, that somehow, it would have been solved in a different way. But the reality is that this is my life, this is whats happening and this is who I am. Just like no baby wishes to be born, no person asks for the tribulations they go through. Yes, some do, but I'm talking about issues such as what I have. I however, now more than ever, are a happier, joyous, peaceful person than I was before and I now do not have as much thoughts and worries as I had before. Life has much more meaning now, even though I know the many trials and tribulations that I will have to undergo because of my status. The many dreams that I have will be much easier achieved now but will be harder to begin. This is because of the environment that I live in here in Kenya. Until people know that we exist and that there is nothing wrong with being different, we will always have troubles and struggles to go through.

My Christmas was good. It wasn't much because I didn't spend it with family as I would have wanted to but still, it was lovely. There really isn't much to write about on that period.

My New Year however was really great. I got the chance to go out again (I say that because I really don't go out that much) and I absolutely enjoyed it. Some would say it wasn't much because I left the club at around 2pm but for me that was a milestone. I ushered in the new year in style and I wasn't alone. Some guy (who happened to be straight!) I met there made it worthwhile. I had my nice high heel shoes and my favorite skirt on and a bare-back top! Thats a look that you'll rarely see me in! Oh and by the way, girls in Nairobi will only wear a skirt if its tight and if it was way above the knee, especially when going out! Mine was neither nor! Ha ha!

In essence, I had a great time this holiday, considering the fact that I was at home, a break away from work, and most of my days were spent in the house relaxing. I also had time to spend with my guy here and there. Unfortunately, his line of work meant that he was busier than ever during the season and now that it has ended, our tables are turned. My work begins while his dies down. Either way, I am glad and thankful.

I could say more, but let me save that for future posts.

**Hugs!**

CHOICE OR REALITY?

I came to the office today and saw an email from a relative who isn't too accepting of what I am doing. In her words, “I don't agree with what you're about to do to yourself and I keep praying that something happens to stop you. I wish you could wait until you're older. I can understand that a person can feel more inclined to the opposite gender than their own and thats why we hear girls being called tomboys coz they behave like boys or boys being called sissies coz they behave like gals. what I cant understand is going to the extreme of actually changing your body by taking drugs through out your life and even doing surgery to change your organs - organs which have already been created and formed perfectly and are not deformed in any way.”

So I felt inclined to reply and pour my heart out. Eventually I thought it would be nice to share this with you. My thoughts:-

Its not gonna be smooth sailing.

Here was the reply.

Hey.

I have said this before and i will say it again since i totally understand how or why it is very hard for you to understand, let alone accept who i am. You have no idea how tormenting this issue has been on me all my life however short its been. No one ever wants to be unhappy or feel tormented or sad or confused or depressed or stressed or have ulcers as a result of such. I never chose this for myself. I have prayed feverently that i go one way. I have stressed myself when i was younger trying to fit into this masculinity that i supposedly belonged to. I even had my Christian friends pray for me, 'kuniwekelea mikono'(laying hands on me) and stuff like that. I have been suffering in silence and the only thing that kept me going was my faith in God. He is the only reason i kept on living. Believe it or not, I have considered suicide several times in my life. I still wish this wasnt happening and that i was just a normal young handsome man who would one day marry a beautiful girl and live a normal life. Its not the case. Its not my fault. I cannot blame God. I cannot say its Satan. Actually I don't know. Maybe it is. I don't know. All I know right now is that, even if currently i look like those tomboys coz I'm a girl, I'm happy. I now live as Linsay. A girl. One that has always existed since January 2nd 1988 usiku. She never knew what was going on. She never knew why it was happening. Why she loved dressing up in her moms clothes yet everyone told her 'stop doing that! you are a boy!'. She was so confused when it was so easy doing girl stuff like playing 'kalongo' and 'kati' and 'bladder' and 'hapo' and playing with dolls, yet when it came to interacting with 'fellow boys', it was difficult; an uphill task. She would get so worried and confused and have mixed feelings when she would get nick names such as 'kasuppuu' in primary and when boys her age would treat her differently from her 'fellow boy-mates'. She kept wondering why it was so easy relating with girls than it was relating with boys in that primary school. She got even more confused when puberty hit and all her feelings were feminine. Her gait, mannerisms and even thought process. She wondered why she couldn't be like her 'fellow boy-mates'. It was hard for her. To make matters more confusing, since puberty was also there for her friends, the ones in the same dorm as she would like to tease her, telling her how pretty she was and some even went to the extent of touching her in 'suggestive' ways. She stressed over why boys did that to her asking herself 'si we are all boys?'. Her stressed shot up even more when one boy blackmailed her into having 'relations' with her because she lost something of his. This was emotional rape. It was horrendous. Doing something unwillingly. She wondered, 'aren't there girls in this school that he could go for? why me?'. Thats a question that would repeat itself in her mind all through her young life "Why Me??". Her spiritual life fell apart. The confusion grew rapidly. Her stress levels skyrocketed. She was diagnosed with stress induced ulcers. She contemplated suicide. It wasnt easy. She couldn't do it. She still believed there was a reason why she was going through what she was. She sought for answers in the Internet. She saw 'gay' and thought, 'no this isn't me. I'm not a man, but then this body...'. She saw transsexual/transgender. Then had the 'aha!' moment....

I could go on, but i hope you get my drift. It was not a choice I made to be who I am, it was the choice to embrace my reality and be happy that i made. I seriously do wish it was different; 'in tandem with the norm'. Its not. Someone described this as "Having the brain of a girl and the body parts of a boy". Thats me. Crazy, yes. Delinquent? Maybe. Human? Yes. Very. I am happy. Happier than i have ever felt in my entire life. I now see my future happening. I now see myself fulfilling properly all the dreams i have and had. I now can be myself and not worry about whether I am 'convincing enough'.

In any case, I thank you for being there for me, when you were there and even now when you cant stand what I'm doing.

May God Bless you and help you understand, somehow.



Yours,

Lindsay.