Monday, October 19, 2009

CHOICE OR REALITY?

I came to the office today and saw an email from a relative who isn't too accepting of what I am doing. In her words, “I don't agree with what you're about to do to yourself and I keep praying that something happens to stop you. I wish you could wait until you're older. I can understand that a person can feel more inclined to the opposite gender than their own and thats why we hear girls being called tomboys coz they behave like boys or boys being called sissies coz they behave like gals. what I cant understand is going to the extreme of actually changing your body by taking drugs through out your life and even doing surgery to change your organs - organs which have already been created and formed perfectly and are not deformed in any way.

So I felt inclined to reply and pour my heart out. Eventually I thought it would be nice to share this with you. My thoughts:-
Its not gonna be smooth sailing.


Here was the reply.

Hey.

I have said this before and i will say it again since i totally understand how or why it is very hard for you to understand, let alone accept who i am. You have no idea how tormenting this issue has been on me all my life however short its been. No one ever wants to be unhappy or feel tormented or sad or confused or depressed or stressed or have ulcers as a result of such. I never chose this for myself. I have prayed feverently that i go one way. I have stressed myself when i was younger trying to fit into this masculinity that i supposedly belonged to. I even had my Christian friends pray for me, 'kuniwekelea mikono'(laying hands on me) and stuff like that. I have been suffering in silence and the only thing that kept me going was my faith in God. He is the only reason i kept on living. Believe it or not, I have considered suicide several times in my life. I still wish this wasnt happening and that i was just a normal young handsome man who would one day marry a beautiful girl and live a normal life. Its not the case. Its not my fault. I cannot blame God. I cannot say its Satan. Actually I don't know. Maybe it is. I don't know. All I know right now is that, even if currently i look like those tomboys coz I'm a girl, I'm happy. I now live as Linsay. A girl. One that has always existed since January 2nd 1988 usiku. She never knew what was going on. She never knew why it was happening. Why she loved dressing up in her moms clothes yet everyone told her 'stop doing that! you are a boy!'. She was so confused when it was so easy doing girl stuff like playing 'kalongo' and 'kati' and 'bladder' and 'hapo' and playing with dolls, yet when it came to interacting with 'fellow boys', it was difficult; an uphill task. She would get so worried and confused and have mixed feelings when she would get nick names such as 'kasuppuu' in primary and when boys her age would treat her differently from her 'fellow boy-mates'. She kept wondering why it was so easy relating with girls than it was relating with boys in that primary school. She got even more confused when puberty hit and all her feelings were feminine. Her gait, mannerisms and even thought process. She wondered why she couldn't be like her 'fellow boy-mates'. It was hard for her. To make matters more confusing, since puberty was also there for her friends, the ones in the same dorm as she would like to tease her, telling her how pretty she was and some even went to the extent of touching her in 'suggestive' ways. She stressed over why boys did that to her asking herself 'si we are all boys?'. Her stressed shot up even more when one boy blackmailed her into having 'relations' with her because she lost something of his. This was emotional rape. It was horrendous. Doing something unwillingly. She wondered, 'aren't there girls in this school that he could go for? why me?'. Thats a question that would repeat itself in her mind all through her young life "Why Me??". Her spiritual life fell apart. The confusion grew rapidly. Her stress levels skyrocketed. She was diagnosed with stress induced ulcers. She contemplated suicide. It wasnt easy. She couldn't do it. She still believed there was a reason why she was going through what she was. She sought for answers in the Internet. She saw 'gay' and thought, 'no this isn't me. I'm not a man, but then this body...'. She saw transsexual/transgender. Then had the 'aha!' moment....

I could go on, but i hope you get my drift. It was not a choice I made to be who I am, it was the choice to embrace my reality and be happy that i made. I seriously do wish it was different; 'in tandem with the norm'. Its not. Someone described this as "Having the brain of a girl and the body parts of a boy". Thats me. Crazy, yes. Delinquent? Maybe. Human? Yes. Very. I am happy. Happier than i have ever felt in my entire life. I now see my future happening. I now see myself fulfilling properly all the dreams i have and had. I now can be myself and not worry about whether I am 'convincing enough'.

In any case, I thank you for being there for me, when you were there and even now when you cant stand what I'm doing.

May God Bless you and help you understand, somehow.



Yours,

Lindsay.

6 comments:

Amy K. said...

I love when people say, "I don't agree." Agreement is optional and should not affect our lives. Life is too short to live your life for others.

"...Praying that something happens to stop you." This sounds a bit forboding. What would they like to happen to you? Poverty? Fear? Catatonia? It probably wasn't meant that way, but what else could stop you from trying to be who you are?

"...Organs which have already been created and formed perfectly, etc etc yadda yadda yadda." How can anyone besides an intimate partner describe someone's genitals in such a manner? It seems pretty presumptuous to me, even if you discount the very true notion that they are not supposed to be there, and never have been.

I read what happened to you, that you wrote about in your response. I am so, so sorry, Lindsay. Your inner strength runs deep and your conviction is true. I admire that. Excellent reply, by the way. Thank you for sharing that.

Haute Haiku said...

Hey! Lindsay
Maybe you didn't know but I read your blog and I love it.
I believe that the time is now, you want your cake the way you want your cake. It beats me the way who call themselves righteous know what's right and what's wrong, they all happen in the nature of things. unacceptable, what's that? stuffs happen beyond your reach and sometimes you don't know what to do about them except for that, you just can't help it. They are just caught up in themselves wrapped up in their views forgetting that you've got a better chance of being happy if you are honest. They need to take you the way you are wholly if not they are lying and that's their loss.

Enchanted One said...

I am at loss of words. Love you all, Thanks a million!

alejandro said...

you have been too amicable with thatrelative of yours...im no TG..but telling u that is pure bullshit!! I would not have sent her such a lengthy email. Id have told her that no one has asked her to interfere with her own organs.....I would have told her "kwenda ujitombe!!! "..(go fuck yourself for those who do not dpeak french)

peace

blackbird said...

Lindsay,

That was a wonderful letter you wrote. It certainly showed that you are a woman of deep compassion. People who haven't sturggled with gender issues will never fully understand the depth of our feelings of being out of place in our birth genders.

I'm glad to read your blog because i never hear about trans-folk in Africa. Your example is so powerful. Thank you for sharing your life with us.

Nobody You Know said...

I know you posted this a while ago, but I'm new to your blog (found it today), and this post is so moving... The e-mail you wrote is beautiful. I was going to say that I'm sorry you've had such a hard life, but in all honesty I'm not, because I think it's part of what shaped your personality and what made you such a beautiful creation - both inside and out. You are who you are. No one (not God, or the devil, or anyone) is to 'blame' because you are not a mistake.

xx

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