My Family Reunion

Our family had a reunion of sorts recently and I was invited. Yes I was! Here's what happened.

10.00 am – Too scared...

I was extremely nervous. I didn't know what to do, whether to show up or not. I was freaking out so much! EVERYONE was going to be there! And guess where it would be taking place.... my relative's place. Yea, her. Later on you'll see that she's getting there. My grandparents were there too. Yes, one of them who wanted to tear up this article when it was shown to them.

2.00 pm – Sh!t am gonna be late!

I was supposed to be there by then! I'm still so so far, stuck in traffic and to make matters worse, our roads ministry decides to do repairs on our road! Bummer!!

4.00 pm – Sh!t am so so late!

Damn! I'm 2 hrs late. Even the food's finished and some people are already getting tipsy! Oh! I walk in and I see one of my smaller relatives. She's like 4 or 5 and this was the first time she sees me. “You look like Leo with make-up on” she remarks.. this would go on the whole time I'm there. I couldn't help not feeling sorry for her. I just wished it was easier breaking it down for her.

Soon am in and my mum sees me and her face lights up. She's overly excited to see me. I later learn that she was very anxious and worried that I wouldn't make it, that Id develop cold feet. She introduces me to everyone. Gosh! There's like 20 people here! Oh how am I gonna handle this? Such thoughts cross my mind. Some of them couldnt stop staring at me. Some of them embrace me, the ones who've met me before and are supportive. I am such a blessed girl. So so blessed. No one was offensive. Not even my grandparent! What more could I ask for?

The boys...

I meet the boys. They're seated outside since the women and children are inside. Quite a very African type setting where women sit over some tea and biscuits inside and watch tv as they exchange life stories while the men sit outside over beer and spirit bottles talking about who scored and what game is next...such stuff.

So I go outside to the boys. They stare. The good thing is that a quarter of them don't know me and another quarter don't remember me. The rest are family. They know me. Just hadn't met me. I'm all tense. Ever since I stepped in I've been so tense! I greet them, exchange pleasantries and get to know the newbies. They're family too, I learn. I can see my family finding it hard to introduce me to them but luckily they don't slip on the name thing. They say it so well. I almost shed a tear or two; in my head I'm like “Why me? This is so surreal! Never expected this”.

Back inside we start chatting with the rest of the women. I can see my relative, yea her, she tells me she's happy to see me. I'm surprised. She continues to say that its gonna take her time, a long time to get round to it but she's happy I'm happy. I tell her she can take all the time she needs. She still has an issue with the name. Still difficult letting go and using the new one. I can see she's trying but she's struggling. I understand we're wired differently and people do things the way it feels best and right for them. I can't blame her. I can never do that.

Too Many Questions.....

I meet a long lost friend of a relative; practically family too. This would be the first time he meets me. Hes dumbfounded. The first time he vehemently denies that I am the same person he knew two years ago. (he was out of the country). We sit and talk and I explain to him everything from start to end. I promise to give him more literature to help him understand. I can see he's also quite mesmerised by everything and can't believe his eyes. Its not something easily understood in matter of minutes. But he's okay with it and even compliments me on my beauty. I am thankful, I tell him. Thankful that I am more than blessed. Later on, after some drinks, I talked to my male relative who was also finding it hard to grasp things. And we agreed that more sharing was to be done. Probably another family gathering!


*****

It was a good day. Best of all is that they're supportive. I am overly amazed. More than amazed!! I cannot say just how much I am thankful to the Almighty!!!! I have absolutely no words to describe it.

*XOXO*

Family Woes

I love my Mum. Y'all know that by now. We talk/chat/text etc every day and we're like sisters (very true!). I can't at all say how much she means to me. She's my rock. She means the world to me. And she knows that. Its just that I never know how exactly to express my love/gratitude/happiness/joy/peace/understanding etc to her. I simply have no words. Everytime someone tells me "You're very lucky, you know that?" and I respond "I know..." I feel like its a brag statement. Or an 'I-don't-care' statement. Or like indifferent in a way. No, when I say "I know" I truly mean that. As in, I know, but I'm still amazed.

Not many mothers are like that. I am indeed, truly, blessed to have you mom.

Now, the harder part is getting to be 'okayed' by the rest of the family. I don't have siblings so the only other family I have is my extended family. My cousins, uncles, aunts and grandparents - all from my mother's side of the family. Its taking time to have them understand me and know me (this new me) better and see that I'm no different than the old me....if anything, I'm far far better.

I gotta admit, I miss my aunt. I miss my grandparents. I really, truly, wish they'd understand me & embrace me. I truly wish they'd see that I'm not brainwashed. That I'm a happier, better person now more than ever. Its been a while (like almost a year) since I last saw my grandmum and I feel I will be seeing her soon. I am kinda worried about how she will take me, how she will treat me, how she will relate with me. I'm just worried. But I am strong. I shall remain strong. And take it on as it comes. I shall await and see how it goes. I believe it won't be bad. I know it won't.

She'll be fine.


*XOXO*

To You, Yes YOU!

I recently received this email from a friend and thought it was such a lovely post I just had to share.

I write to you, yes you! You who surround me. You who say are a friend but act a foe. I speak to you today for understanding sake. I speak to you because I can no longer remain mum. I tell you this because if these too were your shoes that I would definitely be more open to who you are. But they are not,these shoes are not yours! I do not accuse you, but still I feel we do not live at peace like we ought to. I know you understand that I am broken by this. I wish I fit your idea of me but that too would be ... would you if it were you?

I hear you say that it is a choice that I made and since I am African yet Kenyan too; I hear you say I am deviant. You threaten to leave or for some parents threaten to die and curse the day we were conceived. Surely, all this for loving you who is like me. How different am I because I choose to love my own? Is it not the same love? The one that leaves you at peace, the kind that brings forth butterflies at the sight of your beloved, and the one you constantly think of and live for.Is it really not just the same love? So why not just let me be? Why do you wish to change me, or even wish that I were different? I do not wish that of you. Aren't we asked to treat each other as we expect to be treated? Surely how does that say about the way you want me to treat you ... considering how you have

been around me?

I nod my head to a beautiful song but the words cut deep. I wish that this too were not a reality, and that you understood. You keep me silent ... you keep me mum. You know how you do that or do I have to tell you? I could quote the song and see if you understand. The singer is one of us. We love the same, we cry for the same cause and we advocate for the right to just love. That's really all we ask for ... is it that much? Her cry ... deep ... raw .. could never compare to any ... all for just the way we love. Why silence me? I want to freely speak of how I love. I want the right of being human and to be with the one I love ... my kind.. Oh... I am sorry ... I said I was quoting a song and it seems like I just went on and on.

Here is a line or two that get to me :

" You stay ignorant it means you not know

It's 2007 man why you even give a damn

Why concentrating on someone's life they living in

If society say us people ain’t fitting in ignore us

Close your eyes and stop listening "

Surely all this for being me. Me being me. Really what do want me to do? Should I please you and live in misery a life not my own? All these grievances stem deep. They go way back ... years aback. You could tell me that I should have forgotten by now. How do you forget that which changes your life? If my misery would make you happy then maybe I may consider living up to your expectations. That being far-fetched, and you not as willing to compromise; then we live like this. How do I live the rest of my life? With this sickening feeling in my stomach? With these looks that I get from you? With the comments that ever so often break my heart? Lord!!! How do I live with the questions you ask me or do not ask?

I suggest like Melange Lavonne says in her song "Gay bash" ... if you say we are not fitting then ignore us. So what kind of friend, brother, sister, and parent are you that would let your beloved live like this? Think about it. It could be you. Yes! It could be you. But you roll your eyes; You look away. Away from me. As though it would take away from this reality of me being this way. I suggest you try on my shoes. See how they fit. Tell me, would you be happy if I treated you as you do me? This is my letter to you ... you who surround me.

I write this for those who understand. For those who are there, have been there, are on their way there, or are not there yet because society has closeted them. Yes I speak for all of you because this silence is deafening and very heartbreaking. But we have each other ... we understand each other ... and since for now it is all we have then I make the best of it. You who loves my kind ... I want you to know I understand ... I know ... I am there too!

Copyright: EO

The Forseeable.....or not!

Everyone thinks about the future. Even if its tomorrow, or just today in the afternoon. We always wonder, “what next?” or “what will I do later?”. So I often ask myself this question. How will my life be like in the near future? Will I still be with A? Will my aunt and grandparents finally acknowledge me? Will I be able to visit my grandparents in our rural home? Will I be able to sustain myself financially? Will I ever get a job in ordinary companies rather than NGOs? Will I ever have my SRS done? Will it be here in Kenya? So many many questions and its always not an easy thing to do to think about them. A always accuses me of thinking too much. I know its sort of a weakness but I always justify it by saying its the only way I will feel sane; by thinking and re-thinking all my steps. So if I look at some of the questions in my head what shall I be thinking about? Isn't that just another question?

I remember when I started thinking critically about my life and who I was way back in primary school when I was just about 12 yrs old, I remember praying to God telling him to choose a path for me; either boy or girl. Because I felt like I was trapped somewhere in the middle. It wasn't a good feeling at all. I am so glad I am past that. As I read in a friend's blog, making this decision ain't easy. One has to think and re-think it all through, consider all the consequences, both the foreseeable and the not so foreseeable. Honestly, I still have moments where I question the legitimacy of my decicion and its relevance or practicability in my life now and in the time to come. I find I ask myself whether I will be able to handle it all. Then I go back and say that id rather this struggle than the previous misery. Life isn't smooth anyways.

The other day A told me that it would be nice if we would stay together for long. In his words, it would be nice to “grow old together”. Is it just me or do we (when in relationships) sometimes get to that point where we feel like this is it, this is the life I want and nothing else? Yes we do, or so I think. But I (being open-minded and often thinking stuff out on both sides of the coin) also tend to have this thought cross my mind. Don't we also wonder whether this is what we really want and sometimes look over the shoulder while our hands are safely in the other's hands and ask ourselves, “hmm...i wonder whether the grass is greener over there...”. Don't we do that? I do! But (I think) I tend to be different. I tend to stick to the person I am with. I tend to be very faithful and its often just the way I am. I have tried to cheat before and its never something that works. For example, I tried cheating recently but I ended up hating it and not even doing anything at all. All the time my mind was focused on A and how he would hate me if he found out and also how I wish it were him with me and not this other person. Yeah. Life's a bitch like that!

I don't like talking about sex, but when I want to address the SRS topic, it just must be mentioned. I wish I knew how a vajayjay looks like, feels like, smells like, (even tastes like!). Now, don't get me wrong! My inclination didn't change overnight,no. I just am curious. Period. I get tempted to ask one of my gg friends if they can allow me to examnine it properly and see whether this is really what I want. Why? Because sometimes I look down there and wish to myself that it just never was ther. That the only thing that was there was a tiny hole for the urethra. Period. Nothing but. I am not alone. I have a friend (trans) who also feels the same. Probably even trans men feel the same. Other times (most of the times) I wish id have the SRS NOW! Just so id have a reality over my fantasies about it all. Then it still goes back to the question: is intimacy all about penetration? I'm sure I get a slightly sound 'no'. And I know people might beg to differ. Something else I don't say out lound (simply because I feel it ain't none of anyone's biz) is the fact that I don't engage in anal sex. I just find it uncomfortable. There I said it. Maybe someone can nicely describe a vajayjay to me and maybe I will have a clue (if any!).

Hope I can get to write more on stuff that is bugging me about the foreseeable (not) future!

*Looove!*

Happiness Is A Voyage

I have been so busy of late that its been a while since I wrote anything here or updated. But I am happy that I made the last post since not much has changed since then. Right now by body is aching because of the activities I did during a retreat I went to from Monday to Thursday. It was super cool and fun and I learnt a lot apart from increasing my confidence levels. I feel so much better about myself and I cannot thank my Maker enough for this life!

So I saw this pps and I felt I should share it today so that my next post shall go back to my (near-boring) life!!

We convince ourselves that life will be better
once we are married, have a baby, then another.
Then we get frustrated because our
children are not old enough, and that all
will be well when they are older.
Then we are frustrated because they
reach adolescence and we must deal
with them. Surely we’ll be happier
when they grow out of the teen years.

We tell ourselves our life will be better when our spouse gets his/her
act together, when we have a nicer car, when we can take a vacation,
when we finally retire.
The truth is that there is no
better time to be happy than
right now. If not, then when?
Your life will always be full of
challenges. It is better to
admit as much and to decide
to be happy in spite of it all.

For the longest time, it seemed that life was about to start. Real life.
But there was always some obstacle along the way, an ordeal to get
through, some work to be finished, some time to be given, a bill to
be paid. Then life would start.
I finally came to understand that those obstacles were life.
That point of view helped
me see that there isn’t
any road to happiness.
Happiness IS the road.

So, enjoy every moment.
Stop waiting for school to end, for a return to school, to lose ten pounds,
to gain ten pounds, for work to begin, to get married, for Friday evening,
for Sunday morning, waiting for a new car, for your mortgage to be paid
off, for spring, for summer, for fall, for winter, for the first or the fifteenth
of the month, for your song to be played on the radio, to die, to be
reborn… before deciding to be happy.

Happiness is a VOYAGE, not a DESTINATION.
There is no better time to be happy than…
NOW!
Live and enjoy the moment.
-Author unknown

Now, think and try to answer these questions:
1 – Name the 5 richest people in the world.
2 – Name the last 5 Miss Universe winners.
3 – Name the last 10 Nobel Prize winners.
4 – Name the last 10 winners of the Best Actor Oscar.
Can’
Can’t do it? Rather difficult, isn ’t it?
Don’t worry, nobody remembers that.
Applause dies away!
Trophies gather dust!
Winners are soon forgotten.

Now answer these questions:
1 – Name 3 teachers who contributed to your education.
2 – Name 3 friends who helped you in your hour of need.
3 – Think of a few people who made you feel special.
4 – Name 5 people that you like to spend time with.

More manageable? It ’s easier,
isn’t it?
The people who mean
something to your life are not
rated “the best”, don’t have the
most money, haven’t won the
greatest prizes…
They are the ones who care
about you, take care of you,
those who, no matter what,
stay close by.

Think about it for a moment. Life is very short!
And you, in which list are you? Don’t know?

Let me give you a hand.
You are not among the most
to whom I remember to
tell this message…

Some time ago, at the Seattle
Olympics, nine athletes, all
mentally or physically
challenged, were standing on
the start line for the 100 m race.
The gun fired and the race
began. Not everyone was
running, but everyone wanted
to participate and win.

They ran in threes, a boy tripped
and fell, did a few somersaults
and started crying. The other
eight heard him crying.
They slowed down and looked
behind them. They stopped and
came back… All of them...

A girl with Down’s
Syndrome sat down next to
him, hugged him & asked,
“Feeling better now?”
Then, all nine walked
shoulder to shoulder to the
finish line.

The whole crowd stood up and applauded.
And the applause lasted a very long time …

People who witnessed this still talk about it.
Why?

Because deep down inside
us, we all know that the
most important thing in
life is much more than
winning for ourselves.

The most important thing in this life is to help others to win.
Even if that means slowing down and changing our own race.

“A candle loses
nothing if it is
used to light
another one.”

CHOICE OR REALITY?

I came to the office today and saw an email from a relative who isn't too accepting of what I am doing. In her words, “I don't agree with what you're about to do to yourself and I keep praying that something happens to stop you. I wish you could wait until you're older. I can understand that a person can feel more inclined to the opposite gender than their own and thats why we hear girls being called tomboys coz they behave like boys or boys being called sissies coz they behave like gals. what I cant understand is going to the extreme of actually changing your body by taking drugs through out your life and even doing surgery to change your organs - organs which have already been created and formed perfectly and are not deformed in any way.”

So I felt inclined to reply and pour my heart out. Eventually I thought it would be nice to share this with you. My thoughts:-

Its not gonna be smooth sailing.

Here was the reply.

Hey.

I have said this before and i will say it again since i totally understand how or why it is very hard for you to understand, let alone accept who i am. You have no idea how tormenting this issue has been on me all my life however short its been. No one ever wants to be unhappy or feel tormented or sad or confused or depressed or stressed or have ulcers as a result of such. I never chose this for myself. I have prayed feverently that i go one way. I have stressed myself when i was younger trying to fit into this masculinity that i supposedly belonged to. I even had my Christian friends pray for me, 'kuniwekelea mikono'(laying hands on me) and stuff like that. I have been suffering in silence and the only thing that kept me going was my faith in God. He is the only reason i kept on living. Believe it or not, I have considered suicide several times in my life. I still wish this wasnt happening and that i was just a normal young handsome man who would one day marry a beautiful girl and live a normal life. Its not the case. Its not my fault. I cannot blame God. I cannot say its Satan. Actually I don't know. Maybe it is. I don't know. All I know right now is that, even if currently i look like those tomboys coz I'm a girl, I'm happy. I now live as Linsay. A girl. One that has always existed since January 2nd 1988 usiku. She never knew what was going on. She never knew why it was happening. Why she loved dressing up in her moms clothes yet everyone told her 'stop doing that! you are a boy!'. She was so confused when it was so easy doing girl stuff like playing 'kalongo' and 'kati' and 'bladder' and 'hapo' and playing with dolls, yet when it came to interacting with 'fellow boys', it was difficult; an uphill task. She would get so worried and confused and have mixed feelings when she would get nick names such as 'kasuppuu' in primary and when boys her age would treat her differently from her 'fellow boy-mates'. She kept wondering why it was so easy relating with girls than it was relating with boys in that primary school. She got even more confused when puberty hit and all her feelings were feminine. Her gait, mannerisms and even thought process. She wondered why she couldn't be like her 'fellow boy-mates'. It was hard for her. To make matters more confusing, since puberty was also there for her friends, the ones in the same dorm as she would like to tease her, telling her how pretty she was and some even went to the extent of touching her in 'suggestive' ways. She stressed over why boys did that to her asking herself 'si we are all boys?'. Her stressed shot up even more when one boy blackmailed her into having 'relations' with her because she lost something of his. This was emotional rape. It was horrendous. Doing something unwillingly. She wondered, 'aren't there girls in this school that he could go for? why me?'. Thats a question that would repeat itself in her mind all through her young life "Why Me??". Her spiritual life fell apart. The confusion grew rapidly. Her stress levels skyrocketed. She was diagnosed with stress induced ulcers. She contemplated suicide. It wasnt easy. She couldn't do it. She still believed there was a reason why she was going through what she was. She sought for answers in the Internet. She saw 'gay' and thought, 'no this isn't me. I'm not a man, but then this body...'. She saw transsexual/transgender. Then had the 'aha!' moment....

I could go on, but i hope you get my drift. It was not a choice I made to be who I am, it was the choice to embrace my reality and be happy that i made. I seriously do wish it was different; 'in tandem with the norm'. Its not. Someone described this as "Having the brain of a girl and the body parts of a boy". Thats me. Crazy, yes. Delinquent? Maybe. Human? Yes. Very. I am happy. Happier than i have ever felt in my entire life. I now see my future happening. I now see myself fulfilling properly all the dreams i have and had. I now can be myself and not worry about whether I am 'convincing enough'.

In any case, I thank you for being there for me, when you were there and even now when you cant stand what I'm doing.

May God Bless you and help you understand, somehow.



Yours,

Lindsay.