I'M BAAAAAACCCKKKK!!!!!

I AM BACK BIACHES!!!

HAHAHA!!!!!

Did y'all miss me?

I've had such a great, difficult, exhausting, confusing and wonderful few years since I last posted.

I am now happily married to a wonderful man and we are planning a future together. We actually didn't think it would be possible to get married but since we are 'unique', we got it done! Yay!

I've also added some considerable weight! *sigh* It is both good and bad. I've been struggling with the weight issue for a while now and while I love that my body is all curvy and sexy and I look like a mamaa, I still battle with weight stuff and self stigma. I feel like I am overweight and that I desperately need to shed a few.

BUTT...

I am hopeful that in the next year or so I will manage to cut down my weight to a manageable and agreeable number. Pale nimefika imekua sasa kidogo too much bana..

ALSO...

We are doing great things in terms of advancing the rights of people like me in Kenya and in the region. I am sure some of you already know me in person but the rest sio lazima mnijue. My life is my life and I like to keep it private. Mnaelewa, sindio?

Keeping my life private has always been of prime importance to me. I've never wanted to be in the public eye. My friends like Audrey have always challenged me to at least do an interview or something...

LAKINI...

I am concerned about my safety. My family, my relatives...friends... and to repeat, my SAFETY! It isn't that I don't want the public to know about our existence, challenges, struggles and lives, but that I need to feel secure.

I mean, I live in a rented apartment! What if I am kicked out of my house? What if the environment I occupy is suddenly hostile and I am targeted, undressed, beaten, humiliated, paraded etc? What if?

What if they go for my mother? What if they fire her for having a daughter like me?

These are the questions that run through my mind whenever I think about doing a TV interview.

But DAAAYYYUUUMMM!!

I'd look HOT in an interview dontchathink? ;-) hehe

That is all for today..

Toodles!

Lind.

While I Am Away...

So....

I have been away...yup. Not news. Been busy. Plus, not much to write about really, I've just submerged into 'normal' Nairobi life, with a few bumps here and there, like the other day my passport being seen and the M being noticed and me grabbing my passport as the security guard hands it to me and tells me that "there is a mistake" and me running away like hell! LOL..

Despite that... I do read a few things here and there.

I read Monica Robert's blog <http://transgriot.blogspot.com>

Susan's Place <https://www.susans.org>

Janet Mock's Blog <http://janetmock.com/blog/>

And this new African blog Our Trans Journey <http://ourtransjourney.com>

:-)

That's just about it!

My Autobio Updated

Hey folks,

I've just added an update to My Autobiography.

Please check it out :-)

Still Sucks....

It still sucks

Still sucks to meet a guy you like

And not be able to be open with them

Because you don't know their reaction

When they find out you have a d**k

It still sucks

Still sucks when he is so wonderful to you

Makes you so happy and free

But still can't say anything

Can't tell him about your genitals

It still sucks

Still sucks when you're so into him

Want to know more of him

But you hold back

Because you have a d**k

It still sucks

Still sucks because you're scared

Scared he will hate you and detest you

Maybe even beat you up, or worse, kill you

Because they found out you're a girl with a d**k

Just Checking In...

Hey guys,

Some of you have emailed me and asked why I don't blog anymore.

Well, its not that I have closed the blog or anything, its just that I don't feel like there is much to say anymore.

I am pretty much happy with life. Just that I want to do that surgery so bad.

That is all.

Love you guys.

XOXO

Should I Give Up On Straight Men?

I am giving up. I am giving up on men. Straight men to be precise.

I am so giving up and walking away altogether. Here's why.

Conversation with "Aleki"

Aleki likes me. He reads this blog. I know there are others too who like me. But here's why I wouldn't bother with them.

They like me because I am trans.

Not for anything else, but because I am trans. Should I be insulted? Should I just say "well at least he knows that I am trans so that part of the conversation is sorted..."?

Conversation with my friend D

D notices I'm mopey and wonders why. I tell him that I like this guy but he doesn't seem to like me as much as I like him, despite him saying he likes me. D goes to confront him. (This conversation has been downgraded to a more PC version)

"You were with my friend and now you're with her friend. That's messed up."
"I like Lind ..... but you know D, ... I like pussy"

D comes and tells me what transpired. I break down. "...I like her.... but I like pussy" rings in my head over and over again.

Conversation with my other friend N

I like transwomen. Is that so bad? Its really not about their being trans, but just their being who they are. Is it wrong for me to have a preference to transwomen?

Analysis

It is indeed clear that I don't want to date a guy who likes me only because I have a odd-looking ladybits.

But it is also clear that most straight men (since I am into men ... mostly) just like pussy.

I can't ignore that. Nor can I avoid it. It is how it is.

I hate my genitals.

Those who like me (and any other transwoman out there who's like me) need to get this clear: I don't like my odd-looking ladybits. I just don't. Yes, I know y'all have told me many times that I should love my bits just the way they are but I think y'all don't get it. I am a woman. Women don't have such bits. They have pussies.

I crave for the day I can just spread my legs wide without feeling uncomfortable.

It isn't sexual. It sounds sexual, but it isn't. I am not having genital surgery so that I can ride someone. No. I am having it for my own peace of mind. It is utterly necessary. Many of you won't get it because you've never felt discomfort with your own bodies. Some of you may. It's like having a tumor on your neck. Once you're able to get rid of it, you become a different person. You're less conscious. Less bothered. Your self esteem goes through the roof.

That's what I want. FREEDOM.

Let me remain single for now. Its a much easier space to be in. Lonely, but easier.

XOXO

Lind

Yeah, I'm The Boring Type Of Transwoman

So on further conversation with Aleki (see previous post), apparently I am boring. Nowadays I bash people about their misogyny, about their lack of understanding and many other things.

Yes I am. Boring that is.

I am trying to educate you guys here. About me. About being a transwoman. About living as a woman who has an unusual genital composition and is terribly uncomfortable about it.

Get it? I doubt it.

A man who wants a transwoman just because she is trans will never understand why she detests, abhors, hates the genitals she has. NEVER.

Why?

Because for him, being with a transgirl is a fantasy.

Chick with dick.

I so fucking hate that!

I am not a chick with a dick. Don't you dare call me that. I will slap the bejesus out of you.

Why you ask?

Because I am a woman. I am dysphoric because I am a woman who was born with a penis. A woman who had to live over 20 years of her life as male. Confused, baffled, and troubled. 

FOR TWENTY FUCKING YEARS.

So yeah, call me boring for not enabling your little "chick with dick" fantasies. Tafuta mwenye atakubali lakini sio mimi. Hell no.

If you can't see me as a woman, whether I have a pussy or dick or large clit or nothing at all, but me as me, as Lindsay, as a human being with feelings, emotions, intelligence, and not a mere oddly-shaped body, then FUCK OFF.

I don't need you in my life.

Let me tell you something, If you come to this blog hoping that you will woo me into going on a date with you so that at some point I will allow you to "fuck me in the ass as you play with my dick", then boy you're in the wrong hood!

GET IT?

XOXO

Lind.

Re: Sasa

lol

sorry aleki. im not looking to have sex with someone who just wants to experience a trans girl. that's insulting and demeaning.

i do understand your curiosity though... if i knew a trans sex worker, i would give you her contacts and you can negotiate a price. then you will get to have your "experience with a trans chic".

nice day.

---

From: Aleki XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
To: "kashwiti@yahoo.com" <kashwiti@yahoo.com>
Sent: Monday, September 9, 2013 6:09 AM
Subject: Sasa

Hi, just been reading ur blog. I am an open-minded

guy and wud really luv to experience a Trans chic...
I like the idea dat ur Big clit turns on! wanna play
with it. am not gay. am straight but curious. I promise
to satisfy you fully, discretely tho. pliz get in touch.

cheers

Maybe I Should Just Cut It Off

As I continue to live this life... this relatively new life... my desire for bottom surgery increases. I am increasingly getting restless over this. Over the lack of money, over having to tuck everyday, over having to explain things to new lovers... IT SUCKS!

My friend Veronica told me she didn't have sex with anyone until she did her surgery. I guess I can't be like her. That means I have to deal with 'coming out' issues all the time.

Men are simple. To them it is all about penetration. "If I am not inside you, then it isn't sex."
I don't do anal sex. I do thigh sex.

"Intercrural sex (from "inter-" and Latin "crura", legs), also known as femoral/interfemoral sex/intercourse, is a type of non-penetrative sex, in which a male places his penis between his partner's thighs (often with lubrication^[1]), and thrusts to create friction."

Non-penetrative. That's what they say. But trust me, I always feel like I'm being penetrated. And, I have been told, they too feel like they're penetrating. So it is all about how you feel rather than what the books say, or what your mind tells you, or what you're used to.

Not!

Many men still believe that sex is not sex if it isn't penetrative. If it isn't inside a vagina or anus, it is NOT sex.

Funny.

But that's the reality. The reality I have to deal with every single time. I just want to give up. But I am human. I have urges. It isn't a secret. Let's not pretend I don't have sex. Let's not pretend transgirls don't have sex. We do. But I have to deal with this man who expects a vag but gets something different. Worse still, he gets a girl with 'some dangling meat down there'. Ugh!

That's why sometimes I think, maybe I should just cut it off. It's called Penectomy.

Well... the other option is to stop having sex.

Life goes on....

Why Are Gay Men So Trans-Misogynistic?

This is very weird. You'd think that since someone is a minority, that they understand what it means to be different, that they'd get you.

No.

I've found out that many gay men are super trans-misogynists!!

They simply refuse to understand/accept that we are FEMALE.

The mere fact that I am pre-op renders me MALE. Period. No questions asked. To them, your gender is determined by what you have between your legs. So penis=male, vagina=female.

Since I began referring to "that thing down there" as my big clit (thank you sir :-)) I've gotten a little - little - tolerant of its presence (nuisance) on my body. I've even gotten a little courageous and let my partner touch it - something I could never do before! But back to 'the gays'.

Even the thought of intersex is a no no no for them. You're either a 'penisman' or a 'vaginawoman'.

It disgusts me.

But then again, what can I do other than continue engaging them, talking to them, trying to make them see the world in a more 'queer' way ...

Gay men, be more queer!

XOXO

Lind