A LOW STREAK? - November 18

It seems lately I have been writing a lot about being low, lots of sad notes. I am not one to remain sad and low all the time but the situation begs to differ. Yes. Times have been sad for me. Indeed I have been low and down, stressed and almost depressed. Just having the blues I guess. :-((.

Somehow, I blame this sadness of sorts on one person, or maybe its the hormones taking a toll on me! :D This one person that I have been referring to as 'my special friend', from today I will call him A.

If there is one thing I dislike is ranting and raving about someone I cherish. Maybe its because I expect nothing but the best from them or something but I just hate being sad especially when its them making me sad.

I haven't seen A for almost two weeks now. We have been talking on phone, yes, almost everyday even, but I just want to see him! I wanna hold him! I want him to hold me! (This must be the very first time I speak candidly about my private life! Hehe!). I want to hear sweet nothings in my ear, someone to listen to my yabber jabber! There is so much on my chest just begging to be off!! The steam is easily let out with my head resting on his chest. Its like a breath of fresh air! I miss him so terribly I'm almost exploding! He has been really busy of late and I'm turning into a worried wife! I don't like this at all! In fact, I must confess, I have been tempted to 'enjoy' myself with one of my admirers but I respect him too much to do that and plus, I really cannot possibly have that in my conscience and keep a straight face. I just cannot be with two men at one time. It just cannot register in my head!

I know this blog is meant to educate people on transgenderism and transsexualism and mostly on a personal view of my life, and I know that today's blog may not necessarily touch on that topic but with all due respect, if I'm gonna tell people about my life in transition ans a Kenyan Transgender girl, then surely the love life of this girl must feature somewhere at one point or the other!

I love what I do, who I am and I'm proud of me. One of the ways I let off steam is through writing. I write on my journal at home and most importantly this blog also is a steam releaser for me. Another way is speaking incoherently, babbling away to myself when I am alone in the office. Self talk. Trust me, it works!! After a 20 minute incoherent babble, I feel much better. Its a sort of therapy for me. One of the ways that I was able to deal with all my issues with me being a transgender.
So now that thats take care of, lets get back to more important issues. My main agenda. I hope I will be posting something else soon because I just gotta share my thoughts soon or I will explode!!!!


Great sharing a bit of my love life with y'all!!!

Interesting Post I Thought I'd Share

Homosexuality and Christianity

This subject will be for a while a very disturbing and troubling topic. That being established, I will share my thoughts.
We need to realise that:-
1. Christianity is one third of the population of the world. I need not say more. Simply, not everyone is a Christian

2. On the Bible issue, look at this letter to a clergy.
 

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from you, and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can.

When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I
simply remind him that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an
abomination. End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the specific
laws and how to best follow them.

a) When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a
pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They
claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

b) I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in
Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair
price for her?

c) I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her
period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev 15:19-24). The problem is, how do
I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

d) Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and
female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend
of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you
clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

e) I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2
clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill
him myself?

f) A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an
Abomination (Lev 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality.
I don't agree. Can you settle this?

g) Lev 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a
defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my
vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

h) Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair
around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev
19:27. How should they die?

i) I know from Lev 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me
unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

j) My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev 19:19 by planting two different
crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of
two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to
curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the
trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev 24:10-16)
Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we
do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you
can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and
unchanging.

 

I believe that, this being an online community, we have the capability of finding out what opinions exist out there and more importantly why they are there.
As a Christian, I find that there is and has always been a whole lot of misunderstanding on what the Bible says and doesnt say. Even Churches differ on stuff, leading them to being different in their own ways, all the same (claiming to) preaching the Word of God.
I go back to one true thing. Jesus came to undo what damage the Old Testament had done. The Bible is and has previously been used to discriminate against people. For example, the Black Revolution in the US was at one point condemned by using the Bible!!! Just do your research.
In plain terms, I am a christian. I do agree that a small part of me will never know truly whether I am doing the right thing, but for now, I leave it as is.
Jesus taught the message of LOVE. Period. He even explicilty gave Two Commandments. I dont have to remind you that.
 
All the same, as a saying goes (and mind my language):

"Opinions are like Arse-holes....everyone has one!!!"

THE LOW DAYS (Dated October 24th)

Well, as the title says, I am, or was, going through one of the lowest moments I've had since I began my journey. There are so many issues that have cropped up that have left me so confused if not stressed and now more than ever I clearly see why I was recently diagnosed with ulcers. The biggest cause of ulcers is stress!!! As of today, I was to meet a special friend of mine but he wasn't able to make it and funny enough it was at this very low moment and I needed him the most. Secondly, I went to town today to meet a friend of mine who I hadn't seen I a long while and the plan was for him to come see my place/house. Somehow I ended up staying in town with him at a pub and having a soda. A friend of his came over and said he was meeting someone else. In the process of waiting for that friend he asked for a phone so he could call him since his had a battery fault and kept going off. I offered him mine (inside my head I thought “well, he's a friend to my friend, and besides, he asked for my friend's phone and he had returned it so...”) and he went out with it since the pub was noisy. A few minutes later I realized that he wasn't coming back so I asked my friend to go look for him. I smelled a rat because my phone didn't have much airtime so there was no way he would have been talking on phone for that long. I got worried and dashed out, pulling my friend out and asking him what sort of nonsense he was trying to pull. He insisted that he never knew why his friend disappeared. I figured in my head that since this was a long time friend I could trust him to get my phone back. So I left. Later that evening I called up my friend using another phone and he said he had tried reaching that guy but wasn't going through. I felt cheated, embarrassed and angry all at the same time. I just couldn't fathom that my friend, someone I had known for over ten years would do such a thing to me!! And even more crazy was that the next day my friends phone wouldn't get through. I just cannot believe it!

Back to my special friend, its been a while since I've seen him and I'm feeling very lonely. I know people may be wondering why I don't call him a boyfriend or my guy. Its simply because I consider him just as that. A special friend. He is more than just a friend. Its just that I don't think I have reached that point where I can comfortably call him my boyfriend or my guy. Until I am okay with that, it will remain as is. And on the same note, until I see him, I will remain miserable.

Still on being low, I recently mentioned that my mom (brave as she is!) went to my grandparents and broke the news (of my situation and subsequent journey into transitioning) to them. It wasn't easy. I'm not sure whether I want to divulge more info on the matter but what I can tell y'all is that one of them wasn't too happy about it at all. They said that I was being deviant, that I was possessed by a demon spirit from the pits of Hell, that I was in dire need of prayers! They even went to the extent of calling up my supportive cousins and telling them not to support what I am doing, that its ungodly that they should instead take me to a renowned local pastor that is known for his (and God's, I presume) ability to perform 'exorcism' on demon possessed persons in the society. It is unbelievable yes, but its the reality. I am still recollecting myself from that massive blow and trying to keep my shoulders held high and my spirituality and faith in God, yes, the same God she believes in.

in as much as I write about being down, I still try to remind myself that its normal to have ups and downs, that we all go through those. And I hope for the best.

The best is yet to come.

A LOVELY POEM...

My Feminine Spirit

There is a young woman inside of me
Lost in a labyrinth within my heart
A butterfly trying to break free from her cocoon
Trying to spread her wings and fly
Longing for acceptance and love
A soul alone trapped in the dark
Many have laughed and criticized her
Others have watched in silence
As this young woman holds her head up high
With courage she absorbs the cruel remarks
On the outside you may see a man
But on the inside she is a lady; a princess
Beautiful and sweet though she may be
Many tears have fallen from her eyes
But still she chooses to hold on
Knowing she will be real one day
As for her truelove
Her Knight in shining armor
He is out there; somewhere
Waiting for her to find her way
Like a bud blossoming into a rose
She blossomed from a man into a woman
This feminine spirit I have inside
A shadow of shame falls onto to her face
As she makes her way through the maze
She prays, prays to Him
In hopes that He will hear her
Forgive me father
All is forgiven
Becoming a Martyr for all to see
Fighting to survive and living to be
For no man or woman
Shall defeat the feminine spirit inside of me

BLAST FROM THE PAST

As I said in a previous blog, I will share with you some of the blasts that I unearthed from my archives.

Here is a letter I had written to God in desperation. I had many of these, I just happened to come across this one. If my prayers were documented, I'm sure they'd fill up a whole library!! Wish I'd remember the day I wrote it though!

Dear God,

Thank you for being there for me. I am in a deep rut and I am afraid I cannot get out. It seems the devil has gotten the better of me. Now I'm too afraid to even face you. I am begging you Lord to purge my spirit. Touch me once more. Touch my mind and remove all these crazy ideologies I may have developed. Please Lord, I'm languishing in torment and the torture is unbearable.

I don't know myself, only God knows me. Only He can do with me what he wants but I have to submit, I cannot be His if I don't change.
Its upto me to become the change I want to see.
Am I truly female? Is there anything such as transgender or gay? Personally I do not understand gayness but the situation I am in really puts me in a total fix!

This question I hate asking; WHY?
Why wasnt I born okay like the rest of the guys?
Why did I become such?
Why is it that my feeling go 'wayside'?
Why oh why?
Is it my fault? Am I to blame?
Did I bring this on myself??

The letter ends there. Its interesting but you tend to see where I was coming from.

I don't want to write much today. Nowadays I seem to read a lot and forget to write about what I'm reading and stuff like that. There are so many issues to deal with, to write about and sometimes, I think that one can never really read everything. So I just tell myself, one day at a time.

Hope to have more juicy stories to write about!

THEM DAYS...

I was rummaging through my old stuff and I came across a journal I wrote when I was having one of 'them days'. I had lots of those. And one way that helped me get through them was through writing down my thoughts, feelings and emotions. Kinda like what I'm doing here. So here it is.

This day was difficult. Something happened and suddenly my peace of mind went blah! I just don't know whats wrong with me. I'm so moody!!! Just now, I smsed my drama director that I will be quitting drama! Just imagine! He has just replied telling me to persevere for a while but I'm telling you the way I feel isn't normal! I don't know whats wrong. I just feel so bad. Everytime I try to be happy I am reminded of my reality; that for me to be true to myself and be happy I have to be myself, and thats not possible right now. Its so saddening. Its so sickening. Makes me feel like cursing the day I was born and altogether giving up on life! Aargh!! I'm saddened sometimes to think that maybe this is what I put on myself. I let this happen to me. Ive always felt pretty and beautiful and today its not like that. Today I'm sad. I'm down. I'm deeply confused, heartbroken, angry, all those mixed feelings! Nowadays I feel like I've lost my glow, the one I had back in high school when I was being hit on my guys knowing perfectly well that it was a boy school! I feel like the manly look is improving by the day. I'm no longer noticeable and even that photo I took of myself looks weird now! Huh! I keep telling myself everyday that I am beautiful both inside and out. I guess it will wade off. These feelings shall go and I will continue with life. But how will it be? I know too well what I am capable of. But I cannot achieve much because I keep holding back. I keep looking over the shoulder. Trying so hard to hide my true self. Trying so hard not to be affected by what people say about me when they see me doing something 'awkward'. I keep reminding myself of my acting skills. I can act like a boy. It will be okay. Even if I'm not one, I can act like one. Maybe it will sink in. The manliness. The masculinity that I so lack. Maybe I will find a way to live this way. Maybe, just maybe. Despite the saying about wishes, I only wish I was on one side. Male or female. Like I would wake up one day and it will be well. That my faith in God somehow makes it happen or someone somewhere gets a sort of vision and makes a prayer and voila! I'm free!! I wish... oh I wish!

It ended that way. Most of it is edited. Some things I couldn't put here. But its what I felt then. About four years ago, when I had just cleared from high school.

TWO WEEKS LATER...

Of late I have not been able to update my blog on the ongoings in my life and its largely because I have been having a lot of work lately thus denying me the luxury of sitting down to come up with comprehensive words describing my near-boring life!

Apart from dissing myself there, life hasn't been met without the usual ups and downs. It sometimes worries me to be writing about me and my life seeing that I personally tend to be very private. It also sometimes saddens me that I don't get to follow my fellow bloggers' blogs properly (as I would like to) because of the lack of time. (I say this despite the fact that we all have 24hrs in a day!!).

Now to update you on what's been happening; what I've been up to, lemme start by telling you that I was diagnosed with Ulcers! Now now, lets not jump into conclusions by saying, “Oh no! Its a case of stress! Oh you poor thing!”. Well, quite frankly, it was! But not entirely though. I also haven't been eating well. You see, I used to work for a catering company (I must've mentioned this somewhere else) and thereby used to eat nice, well cooked, healthy, FREE meals!! Expectedly, I never cooked at home, unless I had visitors over or was on leave. But now, now cooking is something I have to 'reinvent', remind myself. My mom keeps telling me, “If you ever get married, you will be one disappointing wife!”. Funny as it may sound, its not, in reality. In our culture, a young woman should know her way around the kitchen EXTREMELY well. As someone said in a radio recently, a good woman/wife should be a chef in the kitchen, a friend in the living room, a partner in public and a slut in the bedroom!

So, yes. I did have an ulcer scare. It lasted about three weeks and during this time I didnt have any hormones. I felt bad for that but I couldn't help stopping knowing very well that one of the side effects of the drugs is nausea and stuff!

I am now back on meds and I am relatively happy. I say relatively because there are still so many other issues that have been cropping up and its weighing heavily on me. I hope that I will be able to create time so that I can share these issues with y'all. Otherwise for now, I will stop there.


But I will leave you with a question. For those in transition and or completed transitioning, how much did it cost, roughly? Could you break it down simply into total cost, cost of meds, cost of srs(if any) and also into yearly, monthly, weekly and daily costs especially for the hrt(meds).

Thanks y'all. Happy blogging!!

CHOICE OR REALITY?

I came to the office today and saw an email from a relative who isn't too accepting of what I am doing. In her words, “I don't agree with what you're about to do to yourself and I keep praying that something happens to stop you. I wish you could wait until you're older. I can understand that a person can feel more inclined to the opposite gender than their own and thats why we hear girls being called tomboys coz they behave like boys or boys being called sissies coz they behave like gals. what I cant understand is going to the extreme of actually changing your body by taking drugs through out your life and even doing surgery to change your organs - organs which have already been created and formed perfectly and are not deformed in any way.”

So I felt inclined to reply and pour my heart out. Eventually I thought it would be nice to share this with you. My thoughts:-

Its not gonna be smooth sailing.

Here was the reply.

Hey.

I have said this before and i will say it again since i totally understand how or why it is very hard for you to understand, let alone accept who i am. You have no idea how tormenting this issue has been on me all my life however short its been. No one ever wants to be unhappy or feel tormented or sad or confused or depressed or stressed or have ulcers as a result of such. I never chose this for myself. I have prayed feverently that i go one way. I have stressed myself when i was younger trying to fit into this masculinity that i supposedly belonged to. I even had my Christian friends pray for me, 'kuniwekelea mikono'(laying hands on me) and stuff like that. I have been suffering in silence and the only thing that kept me going was my faith in God. He is the only reason i kept on living. Believe it or not, I have considered suicide several times in my life. I still wish this wasnt happening and that i was just a normal young handsome man who would one day marry a beautiful girl and live a normal life. Its not the case. Its not my fault. I cannot blame God. I cannot say its Satan. Actually I don't know. Maybe it is. I don't know. All I know right now is that, even if currently i look like those tomboys coz I'm a girl, I'm happy. I now live as Linsay. A girl. One that has always existed since January 2nd 1988 usiku. She never knew what was going on. She never knew why it was happening. Why she loved dressing up in her moms clothes yet everyone told her 'stop doing that! you are a boy!'. She was so confused when it was so easy doing girl stuff like playing 'kalongo' and 'kati' and 'bladder' and 'hapo' and playing with dolls, yet when it came to interacting with 'fellow boys', it was difficult; an uphill task. She would get so worried and confused and have mixed feelings when she would get nick names such as 'kasuppuu' in primary and when boys her age would treat her differently from her 'fellow boy-mates'. She kept wondering why it was so easy relating with girls than it was relating with boys in that primary school. She got even more confused when puberty hit and all her feelings were feminine. Her gait, mannerisms and even thought process. She wondered why she couldn't be like her 'fellow boy-mates'. It was hard for her. To make matters more confusing, since puberty was also there for her friends, the ones in the same dorm as she would like to tease her, telling her how pretty she was and some even went to the extent of touching her in 'suggestive' ways. She stressed over why boys did that to her asking herself 'si we are all boys?'. Her stressed shot up even more when one boy blackmailed her into having 'relations' with her because she lost something of his. This was emotional rape. It was horrendous. Doing something unwillingly. She wondered, 'aren't there girls in this school that he could go for? why me?'. Thats a question that would repeat itself in her mind all through her young life "Why Me??". Her spiritual life fell apart. The confusion grew rapidly. Her stress levels skyrocketed. She was diagnosed with stress induced ulcers. She contemplated suicide. It wasnt easy. She couldn't do it. She still believed there was a reason why she was going through what she was. She sought for answers in the Internet. She saw 'gay' and thought, 'no this isn't me. I'm not a man, but then this body...'. She saw transsexual/transgender. Then had the 'aha!' moment....

I could go on, but i hope you get my drift. It was not a choice I made to be who I am, it was the choice to embrace my reality and be happy that i made. I seriously do wish it was different; 'in tandem with the norm'. Its not. Someone described this as "Having the brain of a girl and the body parts of a boy". Thats me. Crazy, yes. Delinquent? Maybe. Human? Yes. Very. I am happy. Happier than i have ever felt in my entire life. I now see my future happening. I now see myself fulfilling properly all the dreams i have and had. I now can be myself and not worry about whether I am 'convincing enough'.

In any case, I thank you for being there for me, when you were there and even now when you cant stand what I'm doing.

May God Bless you and help you understand, somehow.



Yours,

Lindsay.

A DAILY STRUGGLE

During the time I have been in this new job, I have had the opportunity to do lots and lots of reading and research on these trans issues and all the hullabaloo about transgender, transsexuals and transvestite persons. Indeed there is much more to read about and learn but most of the information (got mainly from the Internet) is the same and is true.

When I sat down and decided to write something to put into the blog, I couldn't help but think about all I had read about the struggles, pains, joys, sorrows, fights, love, hate, acceptance, rejection, and all that the transgender/ transsexual people have gone through in being who they really are. I draw a lot of my thoughts from the community here in Kenya and specifically from one activist who had dedicated practically her whole life including experiences to educating the general public (here in reference, the Kenyan public) about the transgender community in Kenya, about what they go through, their issues with the law in relation to registration, medical issues such as the lack of policies and so forth.

Im sure most of you who know me, maybe in person or just by guesswork know exactly who I am talking about and for those who don't, its easy to know since if you Google her name or just the words 'Kenya' and 'transgender' together, most of the articles are by her. She is eloquent, intelligent, can be difficult and downright annoying because she may come across as insensitive or arrogant but if you filter that out you are able to know where she is coming from. I like her articles, mostly because it gives the trans community in Kenya a voice and a chance for the willing-to-learn public to know and understand what it is we fight for daily.

In Kenya its very difficult to survive as a trans woman. Maybe its so even for other places in the world. I read somewhere that its easier for a FTM to transition than it is for a MTF. Why? Because basically the foetus in the womb when developing, is firstly female cum androgynous then if its a male, it graduates into its masculine state while if its female it just develops into the female from where it was initially. I have just put this in a very simple way and I am sure there are tons of mistakes and miss-outs. But I hope you get the point.

First of all, there are absolutely no laws that govern such incidences or persons. So we are neither supported by law, nor are we against it. It simply doesn't exist! As the activist I spoke about earlier says in one of her articles, it is important that we try and have some laws put in place to help out our tribulations. One such issue is the one of birth certificates and identity cards. Because most transgender persons grow in their birth gender upto adult age, they end up getting ID cards that indicate the name and gender that they are so against to but have no other choice but to accept. Secondly, even when such persons have discovered that they are indeed transgendered, there are no medical policies and/or guidelines that assist in the correct measures to be undertaken in such a case. For example, many medical practitioners in Kenya do not believe that trans people exist and hence, when encountered with such a case, shun it away saying there is no such thing, “these things only happen in the west”.

I have written a lot on what is going on and I totally forgot to mention what I am experiencing myself since this blog is supposed to be based on what is happening to me. But it would be very selfish of me to write all the time about myself when I am surrounded by bigger things than I can imagine.

As my friend told me once, “These things are bigger than you are. Its not always about you you you.”.
May have sounded harsh but its true. The picture is indeed big. My only hope is that the role I play, however small it may seem, will one day be seen as useful and eventually helpful.

We all have struggles. We just handle them in different ways.

KEEP YOUR HEAD UP!!!

Its approximately one month since I started Transitioning and my new job. I have lots of stuff to be thankful for. First of all, its been a month and I am coping well. I am learning to ignore the stares and to keep my head up. I am learning to be myself and not to worry too much. Somehow, the first few weeks were stressful. I kept shivering whenever I had to walk in town and probably interact with people. Somehow, slowly all this fear is shedding off slowly. I am learning to tell myself that we are all unique, weird and self conscious. We fear what we don't understand, most people do actually, and thus, let go of the fear as you embrace understanding.
My hair is growing slowly, I am planning to make it look better, somewhat weirder! But thats me. I want to see how I look and I pretty much don't care what people think about it.
I still am slightly worried about where I live since I haven't moved out of the place and so most people there knew me or have seen me before in say suits and ties! So I think its quite weird for them. (see, I don't want to be just about me me me, but also those around me.).
Work is going on well, we just finished a huge project that involved meeting people from the LGBTI community in East and South Africa together with their Donors. It was a real learning experience and I got to meet other transgender persons, most of them being FTM's. It was very informative and I wouldn't have missed it for the world.
I went out for a Bash, basically involving the Q-Community!! It was a blast! I strutted out in my best outfit (The only one I had! Lol!) and made sure I had the most fun ever. It was my first time out in the public in such 'body-hugging' clothes and I looked hot! (and that's not my comments!). It was also the first time out in public wearing high heels(very high indeed) and make-up! My feet still hurt! Lol! Ultimately, enjoyed myself. One incident that happened was that, since it was full of the queer group and most Kenyans don't know well that Trans girls exist, most people at the party thought I was a Lesbian! (forgive me for tutting my own horn!!). Plus there was this guy who claimed to be bisexual who followed me all over and I couldn't help but think of the way regular girls would get thoroughly hit on by guys in clubs! I was one of them! Finally! That night, I felt things I had never felt before! Things that only existed in my head, my dreams, fantasies. I saw things happen to me, as I do them, that I only saw happening to other girls when I used to go out. I felt on top of the world. The Christian in me kept reminding me to be careful so I was, but I ensured that I enjoyed myself to the max!!!

Somehow, I just narrated my two weeks of existence since the last blog post and well, a lot of other stuff happened but that was, and must have been the most exhilarating week I had ever had!!

I cant wait for another opportunity like that one; but then again, its no longer in the closet! Its all out there. I didn't have a wig, I was myself, completely! Fine, there is still a lot of work to be done on me, but surely I must be thankful! I must give credit where it is due. This luscious body was created by God. And honestly, I AM THANKFUL!!!!!!!

Be Yourselves Y'all!!

Ciao. Mwah!