WHAT A WEEK!

I must say that it been one hell of a week! And I hope thats just but a phrase! But it somehow shows what it is that I am dealing with. Somehow as I type this, I remember those days that I used to update my journal at home and also some of my previous posts on this blog. I hate being boring and at this point, I hate what I have been doing to myself. This post will be like just one paragraph because I will be jumping from one topic to the other as I let my mind run wild. I tell you guys I am not okay. I am sure that as I type this there will be tons of grammatical errors and phrases that may sound as 'direct translations' from my mother tongue! I feel like a terrible mess. I am better now but as far as I am concerned, there is so much work I need to do that I am now left wondering where to start. I like doing this. Writing down my thoughts, it calms my nerves, helps me think stuff through. Its kinda like a therapy for me apart from talking to myself when I am alone in my house. I tell myself that it is this 'therapy' that has enabled me to be the person I am now. I am very young and yet I am fully aware of myself as a person. Compared to my age mates, I consider myself very mature. My age mates are busy 'enjoying life', drinking and partying, hooking up and breaking up. All that stuff. So as I was saying, I am a mess. I say this because I have just come out of a meeting where I was extensively grilled on my status in the organization I work for. I have been described as lax and lacking in good work ethic. My effort has been extremely low and areas where my input was greatly required was either not forthcoming or was very poor in execution. Basically, most of my work sucked! Most of these words are things that I had noticed for myself and was already mad at me for them. I consider myself a very strong person and very serious with the work that I do. I came from a very strong financial background and now my new work area encompasses very new stuff. It has a lot to deal with activism, report writing, documentation, filing, administration work...so much! Its all very new to me I admit and being here for the last three months has taught me a great deal. Apart from giving me the plat form to become myself fully and not to hide, it has given me the opportunity to discover new talents that I previously didn't know I had. I am so glad I got this internship. I know it wont last long but I will make the best of it. I have met people of all sorts and I have seen how people work in the community. I cannot consider myself an expert of sorts because I am still quite young in age and also in this activism work but I must say that the environment is quite interesting. I am a person who analyzes the way people behave and the way they react to situations so that I can know how best to approach and/or interact with them. These past few months I have seen very many personalities. Definitely the ones that have stuck more are those of the people I work with but I must admit that I would like to engage more, interact more, meet more people, know how to push the transgender and intersex issues across so they can be addressed, and most importantly, see the realization of my dream of returning back to the society.

On matters more personal, I am doing fine. Life is hard people, it is indeed. Being a trans woman in Kenya and specifically in Nairobi is hard. I'm sure most of you will be saying 'so is where I am', but I'm saying this because I want to. I want to let it be known that its hard. I don't mean to say that its not possible, I'm just pointing out the reality that you gotta stick your chin up and brave it up. From what I see, I only get looks here and there, especially when I am dressed quite androgynously. One cant tell what the person looking at you is thinking and so I try not to worry too much. I have not been confronted by anyone regarding my gender ever since that hotel incident. Even at home, the only lady that was giving me worries is now aware, somewhat, of what my problems are. Somehow the fact that I looked so ladylike before when I used to dress in boy clothes(including suits!) helped for her to understand. Personally when I look in the mirror I can point out so many things that are un-feminine and/or very masculine. I am happy that I got a hairdo that accentuates my femininity and gives me a very pretty look. (I hate tooting my own horn!). I however am still very conscious of the fact that I have an adams apple and more discouragingly, my facial hair. The good thing is that I use foundation to hide my blemishes and black spots and the famous 'five-o'clock shadow'. The bad thing is that my face is very oily. So when I have foundation on I look like I have so much oil on and I cannot wipe my face off! It makes me feel very self conscious about it so I look at people to see whether they are looking at me. I have to say that I am more confident nowadays about myself and I am so happy that this girl FINALLY came out and is living her life. My superior told me, "Get over yourself. You have to now focus on other bigger issue now that you're tackling your transition. You cannot let the transition issues determine how far you can push as an individual!" That may have sounded harsh but I took it positively. It was her way of telling me that now that I am no longer battling my issues internally, I can start doing things that will push me further into what I intend to achieve in life. Now that I am facing the world as a tranny, I should embrace the opportunity with open arms and face the world head on. Its time to stop hiding and playing it safe!

Gosh! I do have so many things id like to share. Now unfortunately as my mind bounces back and forth on what to write on, it leaves me black and I am left typing away on what is going on in there. I get afraid that as I post this someone will read this and think 'oh how so boring! Just someone mumbling about their boring life!'. Haha!!

So I went to a lab for some tests that my endocrinologist wanted me to do before she prescribed estadiol for me. I still have a scan to do. I think I mentioned it. She wants me to be checked whether I have internal female parts!! like ovaries and stuff!! goooosh!!!!

Anywho, I did the test and I cant wait for the results. The only thing delaying me is the availability of funds. Transition is very expensive and most of the times we ask ourselves whether its all worth it. I am quite blessed to have a paying job and an extremely supportive mother who has and still is giving me all sorts of support where she can and more importantly financial assistance. Again, here in Kenya the transgender issue is not very well known. So most of the doctors who are aware of the condition are of upmarket level and therefore charge very high rates. From the responses I got from my blogging friends it seems that the costs may be somewhat similar but since I am still beginning I will put in what I myself have gone through and have paid. For example, my initial doses of hormones was antiandrogens. I am taking spironolactone and finasteride. Spironolactone costs about Ksh.6 per 25mg tablet and my daily dose is currently 150gms per day. Therefore its about Ksh.1,080 per month. Thats about US$ 13.50. Then the finasteride costs about Ksh.50 per 10mg tab and I take one tab daily. So thats about Ksh1,500 per month. US$ 19 per month. The test I did cost me Ksh.5,000, and that was after a discount! That was US$ 62.50. I hope it doesn't turn out recurrent! The scan will probably cost me about the same amount. I am yet to know how much the orchiectomy will be but from what I was told, it may be between the ranges of Ksh.10,000 and Ksh.20,000 (US$ 125 to 250).

Lemme leave it at that. I will update more soon. Right now I have to concentrate on making myself more employable! My bosses need to know I be a hard worker!!! LOL!!

Ciao!

--
"Vivre et Laisser Vivre!"

Happiness Is A Voyage

I have been so busy of late that its been a while since I wrote anything here or updated. But I am happy that I made the last post since not much has changed since then. Right now by body is aching because of the activities I did during a retreat I went to from Monday to Thursday. It was super cool and fun and I learnt a lot apart from increasing my confidence levels. I feel so much better about myself and I cannot thank my Maker enough for this life!

So I saw this pps and I felt I should share it today so that my next post shall go back to my (near-boring) life!!

We convince ourselves that life will be better
once we are married, have a baby, then another.
Then we get frustrated because our
children are not old enough, and that all
will be well when they are older.
Then we are frustrated because they
reach adolescence and we must deal
with them. Surely we’ll be happier
when they grow out of the teen years.

We tell ourselves our life will be better when our spouse gets his/her
act together, when we have a nicer car, when we can take a vacation,
when we finally retire.
The truth is that there is no
better time to be happy than
right now. If not, then when?
Your life will always be full of
challenges. It is better to
admit as much and to decide
to be happy in spite of it all.

For the longest time, it seemed that life was about to start. Real life.
But there was always some obstacle along the way, an ordeal to get
through, some work to be finished, some time to be given, a bill to
be paid. Then life would start.
I finally came to understand that those obstacles were life.
That point of view helped
me see that there isn’t
any road to happiness.
Happiness IS the road.

So, enjoy every moment.
Stop waiting for school to end, for a return to school, to lose ten pounds,
to gain ten pounds, for work to begin, to get married, for Friday evening,
for Sunday morning, waiting for a new car, for your mortgage to be paid
off, for spring, for summer, for fall, for winter, for the first or the fifteenth
of the month, for your song to be played on the radio, to die, to be
reborn… before deciding to be happy.

Happiness is a VOYAGE, not a DESTINATION.
There is no better time to be happy than…
NOW!
Live and enjoy the moment.
-Author unknown

Now, think and try to answer these questions:
1 – Name the 5 richest people in the world.
2 – Name the last 5 Miss Universe winners.
3 – Name the last 10 Nobel Prize winners.
4 – Name the last 10 winners of the Best Actor Oscar.
Can’
Can’t do it? Rather difficult, isn ’t it?
Don’t worry, nobody remembers that.
Applause dies away!
Trophies gather dust!
Winners are soon forgotten.

Now answer these questions:
1 – Name 3 teachers who contributed to your education.
2 – Name 3 friends who helped you in your hour of need.
3 – Think of a few people who made you feel special.
4 – Name 5 people that you like to spend time with.

More manageable? It ’s easier,
isn’t it?
The people who mean
something to your life are not
rated “the best”, don’t have the
most money, haven’t won the
greatest prizes…
They are the ones who care
about you, take care of you,
those who, no matter what,
stay close by.

Think about it for a moment. Life is very short!
And you, in which list are you? Don’t know?

Let me give you a hand.
You are not among the most
to whom I remember to
tell this message…

Some time ago, at the Seattle
Olympics, nine athletes, all
mentally or physically
challenged, were standing on
the start line for the 100 m race.
The gun fired and the race
began. Not everyone was
running, but everyone wanted
to participate and win.

They ran in threes, a boy tripped
and fell, did a few somersaults
and started crying. The other
eight heard him crying.
They slowed down and looked
behind them. They stopped and
came back… All of them...

A girl with Down’s
Syndrome sat down next to
him, hugged him & asked,
“Feeling better now?”
Then, all nine walked
shoulder to shoulder to the
finish line.

The whole crowd stood up and applauded.
And the applause lasted a very long time …

People who witnessed this still talk about it.
Why?

Because deep down inside
us, we all know that the
most important thing in
life is much more than
winning for ourselves.

The most important thing in this life is to help others to win.
Even if that means slowing down and changing our own race.

“A candle loses
nothing if it is
used to light
another one.”

WHAT'S ME BEEN UPTO?

Hi there peeps! Now, as you all may have seen, I have been posting entries with an date tag; meaning that I have been writing up posts and failing to upload them that same day. :( bad huh? Anyway, its been happening.

So since ranting and raving about my love life on the past post, I remembered that apart from that there has been other stuff that have traspired; stuff that may be of importance to the one wanting to learn more about what it means to be a transgender girl in Kenya. Notice how I refer to myself as 'girl'? Its because I believe I am still young enough to refer to myself as girl and not as woman; just a thought :D!

So for all of you who have been following my love life story, we did meet with A eventually and it was okay. I guess I was just being paranoid or something. Things are good between me and my special friend. I cant complain.

I recently visited a few specialists here and there towards my ongoing transition and I want to share where and what I have been upto.

I went to visit an electrologist. Now, the purpose of this electrologist is to see how I can eliminate semi-permanently the presence of facial hair on my face. Yes . As you all know I shave my face every two days because I still grow that dreadful beard hair! The electrologist is supposed to perform an electrolysis on me which will eventually remove all facial hair semi-permanently. I say semipermanently because if I don't take care of the testosterone in my body; that is eliminate it completely or just reduce it, I will have to keep going back to the electrologist for that procedure. Oh and mind you all this costs money! Where I went it costs $25 for consultation and about $50 for the 30minute procedure! Tough on a cookie like me!! I never got to do it due to finances but I got a prescription for the acne on my face. The 'good' doctor told me that I may wish to concentrate on the acne first before going to the facial hair. I disagreed with him but I never let him know.

So I also went to see an endocrinologist. This is a very important physician in my transition because s/he is the one to ensure that my hormonal balance is in check and that I am taking the correct medications and dosages. So I went to see her for the first time. Before that I was unable to reach her but I finally got her. She is a very good lady and really understand my situation. I was referred to her by my friend who is also a trans woman and her patient. I had gone to her specifically to get a prescription for estrogens since I had been looking around for them with no success. She never gave me the prescription but instead asked me to do several checkups before so that she would know exactly what to prescribe. One of the tests, which I found interesting, was to determine whether or not I have internal female organs! Yes people! She said that one of the reasons behind my rare intersexuality would be the presence of internal fallopian tubes, ovaries and other stuff. Personally I don't think I have ever done such an x-ray. I wonder what my reaction would be if I really do have such in me! Anyways, she also asked me to ensure that I take my pills properly so as to avoid side effects occurring badly. We are dealing with hormones people!!

My friend the trans woman recommended something to me that I had never though of before. She recommended I do a Bilateral Orchidectomy. This is in lay terms a castration! Yes. In order for me to be rid of secondary male characteristics I should get rid of my testes! Ok, if you are male youre probably wondering why the hell I would want to 'cut off' my balls! Well, I'm not actually cutting off anything, I will be simply removing the balls; the scrotal skin cover will still remain! This then definitely means that if I go ahead with the operation, I shall be forever sterile. I shall not be able to have babies of my own. Now for me, I have alsways dreamt of giving birth; not siring babies. Its unfortunate or fortunate but its true. Its the way it is. So my stand is that if I cannot give birth then I cant. Period. I will adopt. My organs may be working perfectly but I cannot comprehend the fact that I 'fathered' a child. That would only happen by accident! So in a nutshell, I am going to do the operation very soon because it eliminates about 95% of all the testosterone production in my body. What does that mean? It means that my body no longer undergoes any further masculinization. It also means that there are side effects. I wish I can tell you more on this but its a lot of info and I'd rather give links such as these.

Finally, work. Work has been fine. As I mentioned earlier, my work is not that involving and part of in is about research. I am yet to teach myself on the methodologies of report writing and proposal writing but I am sure I will get to that sooner rather than later. One of the stuff I have been researching a little on is religion. I had earlier put up a post on the famous Leviticus verses but now I am talking of more than just christianity and whether its for or against homosexuality and/or transsexuality. Thought proviking stuff on the Internet I tell you! Need I say more?


Mambo baad!! (Things are bad!!)

A LOW STREAK? - November 18

It seems lately I have been writing a lot about being low, lots of sad notes. I am not one to remain sad and low all the time but the situation begs to differ. Yes. Times have been sad for me. Indeed I have been low and down, stressed and almost depressed. Just having the blues I guess. :-((.

Somehow, I blame this sadness of sorts on one person, or maybe its the hormones taking a toll on me! :D This one person that I have been referring to as 'my special friend', from today I will call him A.

If there is one thing I dislike is ranting and raving about someone I cherish. Maybe its because I expect nothing but the best from them or something but I just hate being sad especially when its them making me sad.

I haven't seen A for almost two weeks now. We have been talking on phone, yes, almost everyday even, but I just want to see him! I wanna hold him! I want him to hold me! (This must be the very first time I speak candidly about my private life! Hehe!). I want to hear sweet nothings in my ear, someone to listen to my yabber jabber! There is so much on my chest just begging to be off!! The steam is easily let out with my head resting on his chest. Its like a breath of fresh air! I miss him so terribly I'm almost exploding! He has been really busy of late and I'm turning into a worried wife! I don't like this at all! In fact, I must confess, I have been tempted to 'enjoy' myself with one of my admirers but I respect him too much to do that and plus, I really cannot possibly have that in my conscience and keep a straight face. I just cannot be with two men at one time. It just cannot register in my head!

I know this blog is meant to educate people on transgenderism and transsexualism and mostly on a personal view of my life, and I know that today's blog may not necessarily touch on that topic but with all due respect, if I'm gonna tell people about my life in transition ans a Kenyan Transgender girl, then surely the love life of this girl must feature somewhere at one point or the other!

I love what I do, who I am and I'm proud of me. One of the ways I let off steam is through writing. I write on my journal at home and most importantly this blog also is a steam releaser for me. Another way is speaking incoherently, babbling away to myself when I am alone in the office. Self talk. Trust me, it works!! After a 20 minute incoherent babble, I feel much better. Its a sort of therapy for me. One of the ways that I was able to deal with all my issues with me being a transgender.
So now that thats take care of, lets get back to more important issues. My main agenda. I hope I will be posting something else soon because I just gotta share my thoughts soon or I will explode!!!!


Great sharing a bit of my love life with y'all!!!

Interesting Post I Thought I'd Share

Homosexuality and Christianity

This subject will be for a while a very disturbing and troubling topic. That being established, I will share my thoughts.
We need to realise that:-
1. Christianity is one third of the population of the world. I need not say more. Simply, not everyone is a Christian

2. On the Bible issue, look at this letter to a clergy.
 

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from you, and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can.

When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I
simply remind him that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an
abomination. End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the specific
laws and how to best follow them.

a) When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a
pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They
claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

b) I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in
Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair
price for her?

c) I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her
period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev 15:19-24). The problem is, how do
I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

d) Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and
female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend
of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you
clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

e) I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2
clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill
him myself?

f) A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an
Abomination (Lev 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality.
I don't agree. Can you settle this?

g) Lev 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a
defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my
vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

h) Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair
around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev
19:27. How should they die?

i) I know from Lev 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me
unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

j) My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev 19:19 by planting two different
crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of
two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to
curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the
trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev 24:10-16)
Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we
do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you
can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and
unchanging.

 

I believe that, this being an online community, we have the capability of finding out what opinions exist out there and more importantly why they are there.
As a Christian, I find that there is and has always been a whole lot of misunderstanding on what the Bible says and doesnt say. Even Churches differ on stuff, leading them to being different in their own ways, all the same (claiming to) preaching the Word of God.
I go back to one true thing. Jesus came to undo what damage the Old Testament had done. The Bible is and has previously been used to discriminate against people. For example, the Black Revolution in the US was at one point condemned by using the Bible!!! Just do your research.
In plain terms, I am a christian. I do agree that a small part of me will never know truly whether I am doing the right thing, but for now, I leave it as is.
Jesus taught the message of LOVE. Period. He even explicilty gave Two Commandments. I dont have to remind you that.
 
All the same, as a saying goes (and mind my language):

"Opinions are like Arse-holes....everyone has one!!!"

THE LOW DAYS (Dated October 24th)

Well, as the title says, I am, or was, going through one of the lowest moments I've had since I began my journey. There are so many issues that have cropped up that have left me so confused if not stressed and now more than ever I clearly see why I was recently diagnosed with ulcers. The biggest cause of ulcers is stress!!! As of today, I was to meet a special friend of mine but he wasn't able to make it and funny enough it was at this very low moment and I needed him the most. Secondly, I went to town today to meet a friend of mine who I hadn't seen I a long while and the plan was for him to come see my place/house. Somehow I ended up staying in town with him at a pub and having a soda. A friend of his came over and said he was meeting someone else. In the process of waiting for that friend he asked for a phone so he could call him since his had a battery fault and kept going off. I offered him mine (inside my head I thought “well, he's a friend to my friend, and besides, he asked for my friend's phone and he had returned it so...”) and he went out with it since the pub was noisy. A few minutes later I realized that he wasn't coming back so I asked my friend to go look for him. I smelled a rat because my phone didn't have much airtime so there was no way he would have been talking on phone for that long. I got worried and dashed out, pulling my friend out and asking him what sort of nonsense he was trying to pull. He insisted that he never knew why his friend disappeared. I figured in my head that since this was a long time friend I could trust him to get my phone back. So I left. Later that evening I called up my friend using another phone and he said he had tried reaching that guy but wasn't going through. I felt cheated, embarrassed and angry all at the same time. I just couldn't fathom that my friend, someone I had known for over ten years would do such a thing to me!! And even more crazy was that the next day my friends phone wouldn't get through. I just cannot believe it!

Back to my special friend, its been a while since I've seen him and I'm feeling very lonely. I know people may be wondering why I don't call him a boyfriend or my guy. Its simply because I consider him just as that. A special friend. He is more than just a friend. Its just that I don't think I have reached that point where I can comfortably call him my boyfriend or my guy. Until I am okay with that, it will remain as is. And on the same note, until I see him, I will remain miserable.

Still on being low, I recently mentioned that my mom (brave as she is!) went to my grandparents and broke the news (of my situation and subsequent journey into transitioning) to them. It wasn't easy. I'm not sure whether I want to divulge more info on the matter but what I can tell y'all is that one of them wasn't too happy about it at all. They said that I was being deviant, that I was possessed by a demon spirit from the pits of Hell, that I was in dire need of prayers! They even went to the extent of calling up my supportive cousins and telling them not to support what I am doing, that its ungodly that they should instead take me to a renowned local pastor that is known for his (and God's, I presume) ability to perform 'exorcism' on demon possessed persons in the society. It is unbelievable yes, but its the reality. I am still recollecting myself from that massive blow and trying to keep my shoulders held high and my spirituality and faith in God, yes, the same God she believes in.

in as much as I write about being down, I still try to remind myself that its normal to have ups and downs, that we all go through those. And I hope for the best.

The best is yet to come.

A LOVELY POEM...

My Feminine Spirit

There is a young woman inside of me
Lost in a labyrinth within my heart
A butterfly trying to break free from her cocoon
Trying to spread her wings and fly
Longing for acceptance and love
A soul alone trapped in the dark
Many have laughed and criticized her
Others have watched in silence
As this young woman holds her head up high
With courage she absorbs the cruel remarks
On the outside you may see a man
But on the inside she is a lady; a princess
Beautiful and sweet though she may be
Many tears have fallen from her eyes
But still she chooses to hold on
Knowing she will be real one day
As for her truelove
Her Knight in shining armor
He is out there; somewhere
Waiting for her to find her way
Like a bud blossoming into a rose
She blossomed from a man into a woman
This feminine spirit I have inside
A shadow of shame falls onto to her face
As she makes her way through the maze
She prays, prays to Him
In hopes that He will hear her
Forgive me father
All is forgiven
Becoming a Martyr for all to see
Fighting to survive and living to be
For no man or woman
Shall defeat the feminine spirit inside of me

BLAST FROM THE PAST

As I said in a previous blog, I will share with you some of the blasts that I unearthed from my archives.

Here is a letter I had written to God in desperation. I had many of these, I just happened to come across this one. If my prayers were documented, I'm sure they'd fill up a whole library!! Wish I'd remember the day I wrote it though!

Dear God,

Thank you for being there for me. I am in a deep rut and I am afraid I cannot get out. It seems the devil has gotten the better of me. Now I'm too afraid to even face you. I am begging you Lord to purge my spirit. Touch me once more. Touch my mind and remove all these crazy ideologies I may have developed. Please Lord, I'm languishing in torment and the torture is unbearable.

I don't know myself, only God knows me. Only He can do with me what he wants but I have to submit, I cannot be His if I don't change.
Its upto me to become the change I want to see.
Am I truly female? Is there anything such as transgender or gay? Personally I do not understand gayness but the situation I am in really puts me in a total fix!

This question I hate asking; WHY?
Why wasnt I born okay like the rest of the guys?
Why did I become such?
Why is it that my feeling go 'wayside'?
Why oh why?
Is it my fault? Am I to blame?
Did I bring this on myself??

The letter ends there. Its interesting but you tend to see where I was coming from.

I don't want to write much today. Nowadays I seem to read a lot and forget to write about what I'm reading and stuff like that. There are so many issues to deal with, to write about and sometimes, I think that one can never really read everything. So I just tell myself, one day at a time.

Hope to have more juicy stories to write about!

THEM DAYS...

I was rummaging through my old stuff and I came across a journal I wrote when I was having one of 'them days'. I had lots of those. And one way that helped me get through them was through writing down my thoughts, feelings and emotions. Kinda like what I'm doing here. So here it is.

This day was difficult. Something happened and suddenly my peace of mind went blah! I just don't know whats wrong with me. I'm so moody!!! Just now, I smsed my drama director that I will be quitting drama! Just imagine! He has just replied telling me to persevere for a while but I'm telling you the way I feel isn't normal! I don't know whats wrong. I just feel so bad. Everytime I try to be happy I am reminded of my reality; that for me to be true to myself and be happy I have to be myself, and thats not possible right now. Its so saddening. Its so sickening. Makes me feel like cursing the day I was born and altogether giving up on life! Aargh!! I'm saddened sometimes to think that maybe this is what I put on myself. I let this happen to me. Ive always felt pretty and beautiful and today its not like that. Today I'm sad. I'm down. I'm deeply confused, heartbroken, angry, all those mixed feelings! Nowadays I feel like I've lost my glow, the one I had back in high school when I was being hit on my guys knowing perfectly well that it was a boy school! I feel like the manly look is improving by the day. I'm no longer noticeable and even that photo I took of myself looks weird now! Huh! I keep telling myself everyday that I am beautiful both inside and out. I guess it will wade off. These feelings shall go and I will continue with life. But how will it be? I know too well what I am capable of. But I cannot achieve much because I keep holding back. I keep looking over the shoulder. Trying so hard to hide my true self. Trying so hard not to be affected by what people say about me when they see me doing something 'awkward'. I keep reminding myself of my acting skills. I can act like a boy. It will be okay. Even if I'm not one, I can act like one. Maybe it will sink in. The manliness. The masculinity that I so lack. Maybe I will find a way to live this way. Maybe, just maybe. Despite the saying about wishes, I only wish I was on one side. Male or female. Like I would wake up one day and it will be well. That my faith in God somehow makes it happen or someone somewhere gets a sort of vision and makes a prayer and voila! I'm free!! I wish... oh I wish!

It ended that way. Most of it is edited. Some things I couldn't put here. But its what I felt then. About four years ago, when I had just cleared from high school.

TWO WEEKS LATER...

Of late I have not been able to update my blog on the ongoings in my life and its largely because I have been having a lot of work lately thus denying me the luxury of sitting down to come up with comprehensive words describing my near-boring life!

Apart from dissing myself there, life hasn't been met without the usual ups and downs. It sometimes worries me to be writing about me and my life seeing that I personally tend to be very private. It also sometimes saddens me that I don't get to follow my fellow bloggers' blogs properly (as I would like to) because of the lack of time. (I say this despite the fact that we all have 24hrs in a day!!).

Now to update you on what's been happening; what I've been up to, lemme start by telling you that I was diagnosed with Ulcers! Now now, lets not jump into conclusions by saying, “Oh no! Its a case of stress! Oh you poor thing!”. Well, quite frankly, it was! But not entirely though. I also haven't been eating well. You see, I used to work for a catering company (I must've mentioned this somewhere else) and thereby used to eat nice, well cooked, healthy, FREE meals!! Expectedly, I never cooked at home, unless I had visitors over or was on leave. But now, now cooking is something I have to 'reinvent', remind myself. My mom keeps telling me, “If you ever get married, you will be one disappointing wife!”. Funny as it may sound, its not, in reality. In our culture, a young woman should know her way around the kitchen EXTREMELY well. As someone said in a radio recently, a good woman/wife should be a chef in the kitchen, a friend in the living room, a partner in public and a slut in the bedroom!

So, yes. I did have an ulcer scare. It lasted about three weeks and during this time I didnt have any hormones. I felt bad for that but I couldn't help stopping knowing very well that one of the side effects of the drugs is nausea and stuff!

I am now back on meds and I am relatively happy. I say relatively because there are still so many other issues that have been cropping up and its weighing heavily on me. I hope that I will be able to create time so that I can share these issues with y'all. Otherwise for now, I will stop there.


But I will leave you with a question. For those in transition and or completed transitioning, how much did it cost, roughly? Could you break it down simply into total cost, cost of meds, cost of srs(if any) and also into yearly, monthly, weekly and daily costs especially for the hrt(meds).

Thanks y'all. Happy blogging!!