THINGS TO THINK ABOUT...

I just realized that I posted a blog on September 11th and I never gave my condolence and prayer to those who suffered during the US Twin Tower's bombing incident (I don't know how many years ago).

It is with deepest sorrow and remorse that I share my condolence to all who lost loved ones in the US Twin Towers bombing and do hope that they feel better. I sincerely pray for you all and also for those who got hurt in anyway that you recover sooner rather than later. My words may not be enough but what I feel for you only God can testify. May The Living God surely Be your guide and Protector now and forever more, AMEN!!

Now that that part is done, the question 'why' registers in my head. I don't know why (see what I mean!) it is but its there. I am coping well with the transition and I just wanted to let you all know what transpired this weekend. (someone told me I'm making my life public but then again, how would people know about the Transgender Issues if I don't share my experiences, and again, I'm in Kenya, I probably am the 1st – and feel free to prove me wrong- girl to share my experience.)

On Saturday I met this lady from UK who was a trangender and it was really amazing. She is like 60-something plus she used to be a guy! Now she is a lady, old lady to be precise and loving her life. She isn't like me, she started her transition about 5 years ago when she had already married and had kinds and even grandkids! So she definitely wasn't as lucky/blessed as I am. She shared her experiences with us, me and other transgender girls in Nairobi and how its been for her those 5 years transitioning. It was such an amazing experience for me and I am so thankful I went there and saw her. She also gave us some well deserved advice. The one that I really took in was 'don't rush it, take it one day at a time'. She attributed this to an anecdote of how some ladies (trans) from the UK, who were older (not my age), when beginning their transition went all out, dressing and stuff and eventually were either molested, beaten up,criticized, ridiculed, etc. it was a bad idea to jump into it rather than taking it slow and being who you are while allowing others time to internalize, understand and probably accept the reality which is your transition. There were other stuff that she mentioned, I may not remember everything to the last detail but something else that came into my mind is that, for me and for all that wish to do what I'm doing or just are happy to see people being happy, just as the hormone replacement therapy takes time, so is your transition, especially in the public world and more so, to your loved ones. It is imperative that while you transition you don't forget that your loved ones are also transitioning; from knowing that boy to trying to know this new girl they never knew existed! Am I right?

Things to think about.

Ciao!

ORIGINS...

I think of my mother and I suddenly feel a gush of mixed emotions. When I think of my mother, words fail me to describe what I feel at the opportune time. It is really hard for me and probably you reading this bit would immediately assume the worst. When I say that its hard, its because she is EXTREMELY WONDERFULL!!! Even these words cannot remotely express how I feel about her!! She is my mother, a pearl from heaven, a haven of understanding, a …... I'm at loss of the right words! Fine, I'm babbling and loosing my cool!

The biggest scare for me when I realized who I really was and what was going on with me was that my mom would reject me. I'm an only child and don't have a father. So basically my mom was my whole family and the thought of me losing her at the time I really needed her most was dauntingly terrifying! I mastered up the courage to open up to my mom and her sisters but I couldn't face her directly. So I wrote her a two page letter pouring my heart out to her , explaining exactly what was going on with me. I left the letter for her to read one evening when I went to my grandparents so that she could have ample time to read, reflect, internalize and accept (if possible).

That week she called me and told me that she had read the letter and her response was that SHE WILL TAKE ME AS I AM!!! I was extremely happy, excited, thankful, relieved...all at once! The mixed feelings I had were overwhelming and I thanked God for such an amazing mother.


THIS NEW ME...
(This just happened..)
My new job entails meeting people, going out and having discussions, that kind of stuff. Today in particular, I was aware that I was to meet up with some people we were dealing with at the office but at a hotel in town. Now, since we were going for a lunch meeting, it lasted longer than expected and so it reached a point where I had to use the bathroom/loo. I kind of had forgotten that my physical appearance still wasnt that feminine so when I asked a guard to direct me to the ladies he grew pale and gave me a confused look. I didnt get why he looked at me that way and maybe it was because so far most people that I had interacted with were very accepting and understanding so that idea somehow was instilled in me. This guard was an old looking fellow and thus, me, looking the way I did and asking for the ladies, blew him away. I just left him since someone else showed me where they were and went in the ladies. When I came out I found him waiting for me with a look that showed he meant bad business! I immediately got terrified and my heart raced four times as fast! He started questioning me in swahili asking me 'are you a lady? Why are you asking for the ladies and youre a guy? Why did you enter the ladies? Are you a lady?' I tried explaining myself telling him that I was a transgender but then it hit me, this guy, probably at his age and being a guard, may not even have the slightest clue as to what that was. This confrontation went on for like three minutes, me trying to insist that I'm a girl only differently looking and also trying to put across the fact that he wasnt in a position to question my gender but then, since probably his level of understanding didnt allow it, he just couldn't get why a dude would ennter the ladies! Thankfully, a staff member came by and helped me out telling the 'askari' that it wasnt in his place to question my gender.

That incident gave me shivers that are still running through my body even now as I post this! This was the exact kind of reactions that I really am trying to avoid. I keep telling myself that I can do it, I am beautiful and people can see that. My biggest set back is my beard and probably the apple. I am trying my best to get atleast some of it off and invisible but clearly, thats gonna be a mountain to climb. A hurdle that I have to pass, a trial that must be fulfilled. I really want to do this but my environment is semi-hostile. I'm hoping Nairobians are don't care and wont bother me, but I want to be realistic enough to accept the fact that this process isnt gonna be smooth sailing, and that I shall indeed come across such characters that will mess up my confidence and make me feel like nothingness. Its a reality that I have to embrace and I pray to God that, as He has protected me time and again, including today, He shall continue to guide and protect me from all harm and evil. Amen.

Thanks for all your support and prayers. May God truly bless you all!

A NEW BEGINNING!!

Hey guys. In case you haven't noticed, its been a while since I last made a post. Actually its almost a month isn't it? Anyway, I really have missed you peeps and really do hope that y'all have been okay. I just realised recently that I can actually type really fast and without looking at the keyboard. I guess its your average case of 'practice makes perfect. The only problem is that I still haven't learnt how to use all my fingers for typing so I tend to get tired easily and faster.

Okay. Let me not bore you with small stuff!! Its now official! Lindsay has finally come out as herself!! Hip hip, HORRAY!!! I sure hope y'all are happy for me! And its all thanks to the job I got as an assistant at an NGO that accepts my kind!!!! What happened is that I applied and they wanted someone from the LGBTI community and they called me, gave me an interview and finally called back to tell me that I was successful and voila! I'm at the new job! Now the tricky part is that I applied as myself, as in my female self and not as the 'fake' male that people knew. So I knew I had to act fast! That weekend was weird! First of all I had to do the handing over at my old place. They kept asking where the hell I was going but I definitely could not tell them exactly where I was going and especially not that I was now going there as the real me! None of them knew what went about me and I never wanted them to know. So after the handing over and the sorry goodbyes the weekend came and then I remembered, CLOTHES!! I DONT HAVE ANY CLOTHES!! As in I don't have many female clothes! All this time I kept telling myself that I'm ready to come out but I guess I forgot that the first day is very important! Anywho, that weekend I went out and bought a few clothes that I felt were not too feminine but would still show that I was a girl. It was exciting to finally buy girl clothes! I had dreamt of it and even though the first day wasn't as I had pictured it, I'm pretty sure my day will come! Since I didnt have enough cash, I only got a few stuff. I also approached my cousins for assistance but then again, female bodies are different and thus the clothing dilemma!

Monday came and I for the first time ever, I came out of my house as ME! It was the scariest feeling I had ever had! First of all, I was scared of my neighborhood. I knew I wasn't that known by people, but seeing that I had really stayed there for a while, people around must have known my face from here and there. Again, I was afraid of being seen by my building neighbors. They knew me better, probably not by name or anything, but just by knowing that it was I who lived in that house! Thirdly I was afraid of the worst; being discovered and worse still, being embarassed in any way in town. See, I still havent done much with regards to my appearance so basically I still have beard growth marks (I always shave), slightly broadened shoulders, an adams apple (I really hate that thing, but,....) among other things. And again, by that time, I still hadnt pierced my ears so from looking at me, one could tell that there was definitely something going on there! Remember I had mentioned earlier that I always get weird looks from people, wondering whether I was male or female? Now you can imagine how these looks grew more intense, especially when they see a protruding chest (I put on some 'boobs') together with a neck-poking apple and beard marks! I was extremely terrified at what people would do to me.

Somehow, Monday passed on well. In the evening I had my ears pierced, and thankfully I hadnt shaved off my hair so whatever bit I had, I made it up and it looks good enough. Because I'm starting off, I shan't beat myself down. All I'm praying is that I will continue on courageously and fight for my happiness, because to be truly honest, I have never ever felt this happy in my entire life!! The things I used to do in the house, where no one would see me, now I can do them in public, go to work where everyone embraces me for who I am, however weird-looking I might seem to them, going about my things as myself.....it was all but a dream that is now slowly taking shape into reality.

Honestly today I can go on and on and on about the mixed feelings I'm having but I don't want to pour out everything just yet. As it said in my 'about me', I am about to begin hormones. Now I'm editing that part and I'm putting 'I have just began my hormone therapy'! I am experiencing mixed feelings. At one point I'm extremely excited! Then again on the other side I am extremely scared. I am banking on my God given courage and strength that I shall be successful I this thing I'm pursuing. I am happy to know that I have a good number of supporters and it also gives me more greater pleasure to know that where I work they embrace my true self and let me be who I am. The job wont last forever but at least for the time it will be around, I shall utilize it to the fullest.

I will try and dedicate time towards updating this blog frequently because I really want to let people see a true transgender/transsexual's life how it unfolds; from before, during and after hormonal effects and other stuff that might crop up. I also ask my dear ardent readers to please put me in your daily prayers as I pursue this dream of mine and hope that all will be well in this Nairobi for me!

Ciao Amigos! Love ya all!!

DREAMS FROM MY HEART

Hi y’all. Hope you missed me!
I felt that I needed to offload some of the stuff that has been going on in my mind lately. I've got so much to share yet I don’t want it to be like I'm telling the whole world my ‘nakedness’. (I hope you get me).
It’s Friday and I’m at the peak of my scratching! Aargh! The facial hair! I shave every weekends and of course, by Friday, all that is grown and all itchy. Everytime I look at the mirror and see that hair, it breaks my heart. Everytime I look at my facebook profile photo of Isis, I get so emotional and wonder to myself about when all this is going to end. I wonder how I'm gonna begin this really excruciatingly harrowing and difficult journey that I'm beginning! Can anyone feel my pain? I know, I know, people sometimes don’t like listening to other people’s problems. But it is my assumption and hope that by sharing what I'm going through, people can somehow understand exactly what goes on inside a Transgender’s mind or life, before and after. I also hope that when I say ‘after’ it means that I shall be able to continue updating my blog even after I have started doing all that stuff I dream an long for so much.
I have been listening to Tyra’s interview of Isis King, a transgender model who contested in Tyra’s America’s Next Top Model. She is such an inspiration to me. Both of them are. She speaks about her life so easily and frankly and I see a lot of me in her. Because she has gone through much of what I have and I feel she is just like me. Americans have it easier that us Africans, or Kenyans for that matter. I sometimes just wish I would get a visa or green card to the US and I can finally pursue my dreams and aspirations with ease. It would make me the happiest girl in the world.
I dream of so many things. I take myself to be a very intelligent young girl. I have so many ideas in my mind. There are numerous things I want to achieve in life. I have told several of my friends that I made a pact with God that He would not take me before atleast achieving these aspirations and dreams. I know there are people who may thing I'm nuts or something, but believe me, I dreamt it and I desperately wanna achieve it. Again, its mostly to do with helping others and I believe this would come in handy to the rest of the world. In a nutshell, I believe the world needs me!
I dream of one day waking up, dressing for work and not hating it, going to do something I love doing, people appreciating and respecting me for who I am, being able to help the less fortunate in the society, and basically just being the me God intended me to be.

My dreams will come true. I will do everything necessary to achieve this. Amen.

I HAD TO PUT THIS ONE!! VERY INTRIGUING!!

Maya Angelou hit the core with this one

Yesterday I cried watching the Michael Jackson memorial. I cried for a little
black boy who felt the world didn't understand him.
I cried for a little black boy who spent his adulthood chasing his childhood.
And I thought about all the young black boys out there who may feel
that the world doesn’t understand them.
The ones who feel that the world does not understand their baggy jeans,
their swagger, their music, their anger, their struggles, their fears or the
chip on their shoulder.
I worry that my son, may too, one day feel lonely in a wide, wide world.
I cried for young children of all colors who may live their life feeling
like a misfit, feeling like no one understands their perspective, or their
soul. What a burden to carry.
As a mother, I cried for Katherine Jackson because no mother should
ever bury a child. Period. And I think about all the pain, tears and
sleepless nights that she must have endured seeing her baby boy in
inner pain, seeing him struggle with his self- esteem, and his insecurities
and to know that he often felt unloved. Even while the world loved him deeply.
How does it feel to think that the unconditional love we give as mothers
just isn’t enough to make our children feel whole?
I wonder if she still suffers thinking, “What more could I have done?”
Even Moms of music legends aren’t immune to Mommy guilt, I suppose.
When Rev. Al Sharpton (who always delivers one “Awesome” funeral
speech), said to Michael’s children “ Your Daddy was not Strange . . . .
It was strange what your daddy had to deal with” I thought of all of the
strange things of the world that my children would have to deal with.
Better yet, the things I hope they won’t ever have to deal with anymore.
And as a mother raising a young black boy, I feel recommitted and yet a
little confused as to how to make sure my son is sure enough within
himself to take on the world. Especially a “strange” one. To love himself
enough to know that even when the world doesn’t understand you, tries
to force you into it’s mold or treats you unkindly, you are still beautiful,
strong, and Black. How do I do that?
Today, I’m taking back “childhood” as an inalienable right for every brown
little one. In a world that makes children into “booty-Shakin”, mini- adults
long before their time, I’m reclaiming the playful, the innocent, run-around
outside, childhood as the key ingredient in raising confident adults.
Second, I will not rest until my little black boy, My Michael, knows that his
broad nose is beautiful, his chocolately brown skin is beautiful, and his thick
hair is beautiful.
And nothing or no one, can take that away from him.
Now, ain’t we Bad, ain’t we Black, and ain’t we Beautiful!

Maya Angelou
July, 2009

CONFUSION

It’s been quite a while hasn’t it? I know I know…seems like I've just left you guys out and forgotten all about you. Trust me, I haven’t. Maybe that’s the last thing on my mind right now.
I'm going through a lot of moved emotions right now. Its getting quite complicated, my life that is. I have someone new in my life and we’re taking it slow. Things are looking good on that department and I'm very thankful.
Honestly I can’t quite put a finger on what's bothering me all of a sudden but all I know is that the anxiety is getting stronger and more intense as the days go by, or as the d-day draws nearer.
I'm feeling confused about a lot of things and as I said, right now, I don’t exactly know what it is.
The good news is that I applied for a position at an NGO that asked for applications from persons within the LGBTI community and I am so praying that I get it because it means that I might just start my growth earlier than planned!
Also as I said, there is someone new in my life. He is one of a kind; that’s all I can say for now, and frankly, I'm smitten! I think I mentioned a little about him on my blog ‘I'm a Flirt’. He is the guy I flirted with a lot and I guess the flirting paid back handsomely!! (Pun intended, hehe..).
The slightly bad news isn't new at all. I'm still sad that I have to wake up every day and wear a shirt and tie or suit and go to work at a place I like, but cant enjoy because I'm not myself.
These things are hurting me and I guess maybe today they’ve manifested themselves a lot more. I usually don’t like thinking about it but every now and then I shed a few tears and pray hard that my misery shall be put to an end soon.

When I get the time, I will share with you some of the hurdles that my kind of people, especially in Kenya have gone through just to try and be ourselves and be happy.

May peace rest in our souls now and forever more, Amen.

COLLEGE BLUES!!

Hey there guys!
I’m back after a long break. But I don’t get too excited now, it wont be like the olden days. It somehow saddens me to know that my wonderfully cultured ritual will have to be cut short to mere weekends(if available, that is) because I am and will be tied up for most of my time.
Sad story, huh! You see, I enrolled back into college to complete my studies for ACCA. I have been doing it for the last one year and we had an agreement with my darling, super-mom that before I begin my hormone therapy, I must at least complete the major part of my accounting qualification. So I did the first three papers of part two and I'm waiting for the results for that and now I'm pursuing the last three. It’s the major part and it scares me alittle. Mother doesn’t know that (maybe now she will hehe…love you mommy!) it scares me because as I keep saying, I have so many things going on in my mind and now that D-Day is drawing nearer, the anxiety and anxiousness is getting wilder and more overwhelming! The thought of finally strutting out in town in stilettos and a gorgeous flowered dress, with neatly done makeup, well groomed hair bouncing at the pump of my gait, Gucci bag in hand (mtish ofcourse!)…………….. ooooh!!!!!!
Its amazing I tell you! I just really want it to happen so badly!

I have nothing more to say…not! I will try and update you more soon!

Ciao, mi amigos!!

Lindsay, Who?

This is weird (for me at least!), Im finding it hard to believe that I haven’t posted anything for the last, what, ten days? Well I said earlier that it will get some getting used to.

I hide my true identity for one reason only. SECURITY! I wanna survive! I hate it that I have to hide it but hen again…I have too many dreams that I need to protect. I don’t want someone out there trying to make my life miserable!
It’s crazy and unacceptable what some Kenyans can do to you just because you appear different to them! I mean! It’s a sham, is just plain evil! I just wish the world was a better place, but again, who am I kidding? Are we really that doomed?

Is the world ever going to get better? Ever?

I’M A FLIRT!!

Okay, yesterday I got kinda pissed at my boss for snooping around and dissin me for blogging after work! He was like, ‘get a laptop!’. Now what do I do if I cant afford one? And besides, a laptop is the last thing on my to-buy-list right now! I’d rather have HORMONES!!
Anyway, as the title goes, I am a flirt. I flirt a lot. I even flirt when I don’t know it! I started this way back in primary school. I would notice a guy and like him. I then would be-friend the guy. Once we have become somewhat friends, I start throwing vibes-you know, like smiling at him when he is seated next to me. I loved making soft pinches on the cheeks ( I still do that! It’s a thing of mine). And ofcourse, talking like you want him that moment! I don’t know, but its like I enjoyed it, and I still do. Well, I'm not a tramp, don’t get me wrong, I just enjoy making guys feel good about themselves and maybe, just maybe, let them see that I ain't no boy! For some, it was just totally weird for them, for others they enjoyed it and then there were those who flat out didn’t get it.
Apart from flirting, there was your average attraction that happened once every so often. I remember both in high school and primary it happened. It was as simple as you may picture it. I don’t know whether it’s the same with gay persons. I remember guys would approach me and tell me, all the while looking confused and shy, that they had developed feelings for me! At first I would act all shocked and somehow angry, saying that he was crazy, nuts even. Then I’d brush it off and continue like I didn’t care! For some it wasn’t easy doing that as I too had gotten a crush on them but couldn’t say it to them. Then again I would agree on some level with others and just accept to be wooed and told sweet nothings (tell me a girl who doesn't enjoy that!)! since we were young, in a boarding school and ‘boys’ it wasn’t easy having a relationship but they happened. I feel like I was somehow lucky, maybe blessed, (I hate tooting my own horn), but I honeslty couldn’t understand how guys, who by the way were very straight, would come upto me and tell me that they thot I was hot/cute and that they liked me! Ofcourse I can now inderstand it better, maybe it’s the ‘opposites attract thing’ maybe its something else. Like for example, up till now, I cannot get how two guys or two girls fall for one another! But it happens and I both accept and respect that. Infact I have seen some gay men and lesbians. They are cool. They are normal people (some say they are cursed, hence the word). They are so regular. Just like me. I mean! (ok I have to stop babbling!)
I came out to a friend the other day. He had wooed me for long (I use that word too much, right?). and I was just about to tell him off, then I thought to myself that if I keep keeping it to myself, then who is ever going to know the real me? Isn’t it time I start shedding the shell little by little? Don’t I deserve to have friends who know me for me, who understand me for who I am? I do deserve it. And besides, ain't I starting my hormones soon? Surely it wont be a walk in the park? I will need a support system, won’t I?
So I told him. He asked so many questions! I felt so good answering them all. It was such a relief. My heart was racing hard and I felt like I was in a job interview(never been to one!)!! but it felt great. He understand now. He claims he still loves me. I wonder whether that will still be so. But I must keep my hopes up. I mean, there is hope for Kenya, isn’t there? We all will someday understand and tolerate each other, regardless of our gender or sexual inclination. I like the way someone commented on a certain blog. He/she said that we need to stop labeling ourselves through our sexual nature or gender identities and start looking at ourselves as kawaa human beings in love. In love with whomever we are with, and okay with however we are. We need to focus on living a fulfilling life, achieving our dreams and goals. Being the best we could ever be!

Yes we can!!!

ONLINE FAMILY
I have chosen to give a special THANK YOU to all who support me and my goal with this blog.
Pater, thanks for acknowledging me, and also your kind words. They mean a lot to me. Honestly.
Tamaku, you definitely shall be expecting a lot from me! I assure you. We surely shall interact more.
GNM, thank you too. I am grateful for everything.
Marsha dear, you are a sister to me. I love you dearly!!
Cuppatea, honestly, like the others, I hope to meet you someday.

I really have to be grateful. This is a medium that we can all share ourselves and I am especially grateful that I am part of this.

God bless you all.

MORE OF THE YESTER

I felt like going home early today. Yesterday I left at around 9pm (yes, I know!). But then I felt I should at least finish what I started. I wouldn’t want to sound all boring but have to tell you, this writing thing is new to me, albeit the fact that I write nearly everyday!
It never occurred to me that I was a Transgender. In fact, that word, I came to know about it like 4 or 5 years ago, when I was in high school. At least I knew it was a disorder. It wasn’t easy (I don’t know how many times that’s gonna appear in this blog) and everyone knows that by now. I would see girls my age flirting with guys and it would make me sick to my stomach. Some chic somewhere would hit on me and I would squirm as if a spider fell on me! But that was just the bag side of it. Somehow, there existed some nice, laughable and memorable musings in the time.
We were young. We were entering that age; that age where the older folk call ‘raging hormones’. Yes, that one. Funny enough, I somehow garnered some admirers! Weird? No. I came to later understand it all. I simply explained it as ‘opposites attract’. How else would you put it? Besides, (no offence) I ain't gay!
Guys approached me. Told me all sweet nothings. Felt nice, felt weird, felt confusing; all the while trying to figure my life out. To some, I said no. I didn’t feel the same. To some, ofcourse, I couldn’t resist. They wooed me. Just the same as they would woo others when we went for ‘school outings’.
I don’t know how some of you can describe it. For me, once I came to understand me, it would all be clear as crystal. I was a girl. Period. Of course discerning that wouldn’t be easy but it had to be done. I had to understand me if I wanted to live a ‘normal’ life. If I wanted to survive.
Sometimes I feel like I'm not supposed to write about me all the time, sometimes I tell myself, ‘why don’t you ask others what they go through and have it written here?’ but then again…naaah! Maybe someday I will.
Sometimes it feels nice to wander off sometimes and wallow in the masma of wordings! (I also didn’t get that!!)

My boss just dissed me. Aargh! Chat later.

Ciao!