The day I came out to my mom that I was a Transgender, I did it in the most simplest way I could thing of. As a matter of fact I was not able to go to her directly and speak to her. I didn’t have the guts at all! As a matter of fact, I was so scared to a point where I thought she would reject me!! So I only did the most rational thing I could think of. I wrote her a letter. It was a three page foolscap with so many words trying to describe what the hell was going on in my mind at that time but I am so grateful I did it. You know, by the way, for people like me, its never easy revealing some potentially dreadful facts to the people you love and especially to the one who bore you in her womb! You can imagine what was going on in my head. I remember I slept at around two am in the morning as I waited for her to go to sleep, the night before I went back to school. At that time, I still didn’t identify as a ‘transgender’, a term that was still new to me, but I knew I suffered from a condition known as gender identity disorder or GID as may be known by others. So I based my explanations on this.
I went on about how I've always felt like I was born in a different body, how I never fitted in in high school, about how I used to be called ‘kasupuu’ in primary school, so many little anecdotes filled that foolscap because I felt I had to tell it all. Further more, it was just around the time I was clearing my O-levels and I was kind of stressed about it all including the fact that it was my last year in high school. I had so much in my mind (I still do!!) and I just had to let it go somehow.
So I told her. To my surprise, she took it so well! In fact, after I finished, she was so supportive that I could not believe it myself!! I mean! For her to just take it so easily like that, I was flabbergasted.
Today, she always sends me anything she finds about the issue and also she alerts me whenever Tyra brings something about it on her show. Also,(and this is the best part!!) she promised to support me financially once I clear my studies this year!!
I am so waiting for next year with beated breath!! Its gonna be the year of change for me!! I am so excited, I cant wait! All these years I have waited for the day that I will walk in town and in public wearing a silky strapped dress and stilettos! You have no idea how much I have dreamt of that day. Sometimes I think to myself and say, I really don’t care who will judge me, as long as I am myself and im doing fine! This is about my life and I'm not taking any chances!! Would you?
The other day I was browsing through the internet and I stumbled onto this chic who is totally now my hero! Her name? ISIS!! She is the first Transgender Top Model on the ANTM show cycle 11. I mean! She must be the epitome of all of us who strive to have a life she has began living and more! She is now a model, besides the fact that she was born a boy! I'm so excited about her!
Enough words for today..see you all soon!
Thanks for hearing me out! Hope to hear from you soon!
God, Thank you so much!
Be hopeful this week!
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Monday, June 29, 2009
FEAR!! CREEPS US ALL!!
What is fear? According to my pastor, and other people I’ve heard before, fear can be described as follows.
F – False
E – Evidence
A – Appearing
R – Real
So as you can see, fear is not something real. It is meant to deter you from your goals, aspirations etc.
For me, I usually experience a lot of fear being the way I am, and especially now that I haven’t yet began my transition. Its really difficuly to ‘act’ manly when you know very well that it ain't possible! Imagine having to pretend that you are something else for more that 15years! Now I am over 20 so imagine that! Earlier in my life things were kinda easy, that is, when I was about 5years and younger. But when I grew older and I started to get confused, I used to be very much afraid that something would happen to me.
Like when I was in high school, in form one, there was this incident where all the school boys decided to eliminate all the ‘homos’ of the school; including those suspected of being homos. Now, I came to understand that a certain form four who had taken a lot of interest in me and another friend of mine(we were recognized of being girly, hence may have come out as being gay) was one of the ones in target. I was bewildered! I was so scared that the boys would come for me and beat me up like they did the others. Thank God they never came to me. I praise the Lord everyday that He covered my ass every single time!!(I had so many scary incidences in high school).
Nowadays, I’m afraid that when I eventually begin my transition, that the rejection I may face will be too immense for me to handle, but I always keep in mind this verse;
1Co 10:13 No temptation has taken you but what is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted above what you are able, but with the temptation also will make a way to escape, so that you may be able to bear it.
This keeps me hopeful and strong. I know I shall make it!!!
Thank you Jesus!
F – False
E – Evidence
A – Appearing
R – Real
So as you can see, fear is not something real. It is meant to deter you from your goals, aspirations etc.
For me, I usually experience a lot of fear being the way I am, and especially now that I haven’t yet began my transition. Its really difficuly to ‘act’ manly when you know very well that it ain't possible! Imagine having to pretend that you are something else for more that 15years! Now I am over 20 so imagine that! Earlier in my life things were kinda easy, that is, when I was about 5years and younger. But when I grew older and I started to get confused, I used to be very much afraid that something would happen to me.
Like when I was in high school, in form one, there was this incident where all the school boys decided to eliminate all the ‘homos’ of the school; including those suspected of being homos. Now, I came to understand that a certain form four who had taken a lot of interest in me and another friend of mine(we were recognized of being girly, hence may have come out as being gay) was one of the ones in target. I was bewildered! I was so scared that the boys would come for me and beat me up like they did the others. Thank God they never came to me. I praise the Lord everyday that He covered my ass every single time!!(I had so many scary incidences in high school).
Nowadays, I’m afraid that when I eventually begin my transition, that the rejection I may face will be too immense for me to handle, but I always keep in mind this verse;
1Co 10:13 No temptation has taken you but what is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted above what you are able, but with the temptation also will make a way to escape, so that you may be able to bear it.
This keeps me hopeful and strong. I know I shall make it!!!
Thank you Jesus!
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
TITLE-LESS-NESS
Its funny. When I’m at home, I keep thinking and thinking about what the hell on gonna write. It becomes difficult to do this when I know I have tons of work yet this is a form of relaxation for me. When I’m thinking of what to write a lot goes into my head. I tell you I have like a gazillion thoughts spinning through my head. Its true sometimes I think I think too much!! But anyway, let me just say something so that I don’t continue babbling incoherently. Isn’t that what I am doing right now? Or am I just writing things for the sake of it.
This will definitely have some of you thinking I am probably mad but to hell with is because I am writing again and atleast I am doing this out of my free will. Plus I like what I do and it makes me happy to pour out some of my many thoughts into such a medium. Those who like it, good for you. Those who don’t, too bad.
The other night I was watching KTN, that Mexican soap called “Until My Last Breath” and things just started rolling in my head. I could see how we get lied to that life is that easy as it is in the soap and that love also is that easy. Someone once told me that you cant force love and I also discovered on my own that I cannot fall in love in a matter of days. Maybe im being skeptical, but to me, I just don’t see how you can say you love someone just after like two weeks of meeting the. I could say ‘I like you a lot’ but I think that’s just about it…atleast for that time until when it is possible so say those three delicate words.
Anywho, see you all soon!!
This will definitely have some of you thinking I am probably mad but to hell with is because I am writing again and atleast I am doing this out of my free will. Plus I like what I do and it makes me happy to pour out some of my many thoughts into such a medium. Those who like it, good for you. Those who don’t, too bad.
The other night I was watching KTN, that Mexican soap called “Until My Last Breath” and things just started rolling in my head. I could see how we get lied to that life is that easy as it is in the soap and that love also is that easy. Someone once told me that you cant force love and I also discovered on my own that I cannot fall in love in a matter of days. Maybe im being skeptical, but to me, I just don’t see how you can say you love someone just after like two weeks of meeting the. I could say ‘I like you a lot’ but I think that’s just about it…atleast for that time until when it is possible so say those three delicate words.
Anywho, see you all soon!!
Saturday, June 20, 2009
“THOUGHTS THAT CROSS HER MIND” – A Third Person View
She wakes up every morning and puts on the usual; shirt and trouser. Surprised? Don’t be. That’s how its been all through her young life; living as someone else. Its frustrating, she says. Ever imagine if it was you? Ever imagine if you would be forced to put on other clothes other than those you are used to, or better yet, those you just know you are supposed to wear? I guess when you look at that question you go, “Hmm, I wonder how that might be?” Yeah! It really is mind boggling! She looks at the mirror as she prepares herself for work. Inside her head she tells herself, “better not look too much like a girl now, you don’t want trouble now, do you?”
Weekend comes by. Yippie, she gets excited. Its time for her to flaunt some of her goodness around. But wait! That’s gonna be hard don’t you think? Yeah! I mean, she is flat chested isn’t she? So? Oh! Right. We just have to work with this for now. After preparation, im amazed at how stunning she looks! What? No mascara, no makeup, no nothing! Its her, just the way she is, all natural beauty!
Passing through the busy streets of Nairobi, its easy to notice the weird and confused stares that come her way. Maybe some say to themselves, ‘why is that guy dressed like that’ or ‘haiya! Is that a guy or a girl?’ very much confusing right? Must be making her all uncomfortable now I guess. But she says its been like that ever since high school, and primary school; this isn’t the first time.
All she wants is for the stares to be something else. Yes, she doesn’t mind the stares. She wants them to say, ‘oh how beautiful’ or ‘wow! That’s one gorgeous girl’. Nothing much. She only wants to be a normal Nairobi girl!
We pray that Hope and Faith never dies away. Dreams will be fulfilled. Amen.
Weekend comes by. Yippie, she gets excited. Its time for her to flaunt some of her goodness around. But wait! That’s gonna be hard don’t you think? Yeah! I mean, she is flat chested isn’t she? So? Oh! Right. We just have to work with this for now. After preparation, im amazed at how stunning she looks! What? No mascara, no makeup, no nothing! Its her, just the way she is, all natural beauty!
Passing through the busy streets of Nairobi, its easy to notice the weird and confused stares that come her way. Maybe some say to themselves, ‘why is that guy dressed like that’ or ‘haiya! Is that a guy or a girl?’ very much confusing right? Must be making her all uncomfortable now I guess. But she says its been like that ever since high school, and primary school; this isn’t the first time.
All she wants is for the stares to be something else. Yes, she doesn’t mind the stares. She wants them to say, ‘oh how beautiful’ or ‘wow! That’s one gorgeous girl’. Nothing much. She only wants to be a normal Nairobi girl!
We pray that Hope and Faith never dies away. Dreams will be fulfilled. Amen.
Friday, June 19, 2009
A LITTLE UNDERSTANDING GOES A LONG WAY
Today, in keeping my promise to you, I shall go ahead and ask one very normal question beginning with ‘why’.
For example, ‘why am I like this’ you may ask.
Well here is a simple description from Wikipedia
Transgender is a general term applied to a variety of individuals, behaviors, and groups involving tendencies that diverge from the normative gender role (woman or man) commonly, but not always, assigned at birth, as well as the role traditionally held by society.
Transgender is the state of one's "gender identity" (self-identification as woman, man, or neither) not matching one's "assigned sex" (identification by others as male or female based on physical/genetic sex). "Transgender" does not imply any specific form of sexual orientation; transgender people may identify as heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, pansexual, polysexual, or asexual. The precise definition for transgender remains in flux, but includes:
• "Of, relating to, or designating a person whose identity does not conform unambiguously to conventional notions of male or female gender roles, but combines or moves between these."[1]
• "People who were assigned a sex, usually at birth and based on their genitals, but who feel that this is a false or incomplete description of themselves."[2]
• "Non-identification with, or non-presentation as, the sex (and assumed gender) one was assigned at birth."[3]
Transgenderist—
Transgenderists are men and women who prefer to steer away from gender role extremes and perfect an androgynous presentation of gender. They incorporate elements of both masculinity and femininity into their appearance. Some persons may see them as male, and by others as female. They may live part of their life as a man, and part as a woman, or they may live entirely in their new gender role but without plans for genital surgery.
Transsexual—
Men and women whose gender identity more closely matches the other physical sex are termed transsexual. These individuals desire to rid themselves of their primary and secondary sexual characteristics and live as members of the other sex.
Transsexuals are diagnostically divided into the sub-categories of Primary or Secondary. Primary transsexuals display an unrelenting and high degree of gender dysphoria, usually from an early age (four to six years of age). Secondary transsexuals usually come to a full realization of their condition in their twenties and thirties, but may not act on their feelings until they are much older. Typically, secondary transsexuals first go through phases that would be self-assessed as being a "crossdresser or transgenderist."
What is Brain Sex? Brain Sex is the primary hard-wired patterns which dictates how we view and relate to others on a social, interpersonal and sexual level. Although, like Brain Gender, most physical females will have female Brain Sex and physical males, male Brain Sex. But, this is far from absolute, and in the case of transgendered folk, it is the reverse. A physical male transgendered person will have female Brain Sex as well as female Brain Gender.
I have a feeling that with all that, some of you will surely understand a lot. Lets try and fight ignorance in the Kenyan Society. We are human too!
P.S. I changed the name and url of the blog because of personal reasons. Forgive me for any inconveniences.
For example, ‘why am I like this’ you may ask.
Well here is a simple description from Wikipedia
Transgender is a general term applied to a variety of individuals, behaviors, and groups involving tendencies that diverge from the normative gender role (woman or man) commonly, but not always, assigned at birth, as well as the role traditionally held by society.
Transgender is the state of one's "gender identity" (self-identification as woman, man, or neither) not matching one's "assigned sex" (identification by others as male or female based on physical/genetic sex). "Transgender" does not imply any specific form of sexual orientation; transgender people may identify as heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, pansexual, polysexual, or asexual. The precise definition for transgender remains in flux, but includes:
• "Of, relating to, or designating a person whose identity does not conform unambiguously to conventional notions of male or female gender roles, but combines or moves between these."[1]
• "People who were assigned a sex, usually at birth and based on their genitals, but who feel that this is a false or incomplete description of themselves."[2]
• "Non-identification with, or non-presentation as, the sex (and assumed gender) one was assigned at birth."[3]
Transgenderist—
Transgenderists are men and women who prefer to steer away from gender role extremes and perfect an androgynous presentation of gender. They incorporate elements of both masculinity and femininity into their appearance. Some persons may see them as male, and by others as female. They may live part of their life as a man, and part as a woman, or they may live entirely in their new gender role but without plans for genital surgery.
Transsexual—
Men and women whose gender identity more closely matches the other physical sex are termed transsexual. These individuals desire to rid themselves of their primary and secondary sexual characteristics and live as members of the other sex.
Transsexuals are diagnostically divided into the sub-categories of Primary or Secondary. Primary transsexuals display an unrelenting and high degree of gender dysphoria, usually from an early age (four to six years of age). Secondary transsexuals usually come to a full realization of their condition in their twenties and thirties, but may not act on their feelings until they are much older. Typically, secondary transsexuals first go through phases that would be self-assessed as being a "crossdresser or transgenderist."
What is Brain Sex? Brain Sex is the primary hard-wired patterns which dictates how we view and relate to others on a social, interpersonal and sexual level. Although, like Brain Gender, most physical females will have female Brain Sex and physical males, male Brain Sex. But, this is far from absolute, and in the case of transgendered folk, it is the reverse. A physical male transgendered person will have female Brain Sex as well as female Brain Gender.
I have a feeling that with all that, some of you will surely understand a lot. Lets try and fight ignorance in the Kenyan Society. We are human too!
P.S. I changed the name and url of the blog because of personal reasons. Forgive me for any inconveniences.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
GOSH!! IM TIRED!
This is the third or fourth consecutive day that I have continuously written here and now am tired! I guess its because im now back to work from a study leave and im feeling very tired. You know a blog is where we share thoughts and life experiences. But today im really really tired! In fact I have posted this late in the evening and its because all through the day I have been trying to put up a presentation for a budget meeting at work. First of all it just kill me to know that despite my saying that I don’t like wearing suits (men’s suits to be precise) I just had to wear my greyish brown suit because inanitoanga vipoa! That means ‘it makes me look good’. But that’s besides the point. Okay. Im babbling around incoherently without saying much sense.
I said I shall put something uo in regards to the revolutionary FACEBOOK SOCIAL NETWORK that’s the buzz in Nairobi and of course the rest of the world. (my head hurts and my eyes are droosy)
Well, facebook has revolutionalized the society of Nairobi very much. In fact, if you have read many of the magazines around or have watched some TV shows that focus on sociality, it’s the most spoken about website I have ever heard of. At this point in time, anyon who doesn’t have a facebook account is seemed to be a socialy misfit of some sort, some people going as far as labeling you as an ‘ancestor’ or ‘outdated’ just for not having one. Its simple. It’s a very simple website that allows you to network with friends, know what they are upto, chat with them, send messages and basically do almost everything you may wanna do int the real life, only now, it’s a virtual interaction. Even corporate companies have pages, celebrities cant miss there and well, everyone, including your mother and granddad! Really can go on and on and on about this ‘very addictive’ network but please, spare me the anguish and try it yourself!
Facebook aside, I have seen that I have neglected you, my sweet readers, by not giving you the latest scoop about my personal life and realization in regards to my sexual orientation. (wow! I cant believe I just typed those words!). so guys please forgive me, but soon you shall be seeing more of my posts on the subject and I will let you know all you wanna know!! Kapeesh?!
Poke someone today!!
I said I shall put something uo in regards to the revolutionary FACEBOOK SOCIAL NETWORK that’s the buzz in Nairobi and of course the rest of the world. (my head hurts and my eyes are droosy)
Well, facebook has revolutionalized the society of Nairobi very much. In fact, if you have read many of the magazines around or have watched some TV shows that focus on sociality, it’s the most spoken about website I have ever heard of. At this point in time, anyon who doesn’t have a facebook account is seemed to be a socialy misfit of some sort, some people going as far as labeling you as an ‘ancestor’ or ‘outdated’ just for not having one. Its simple. It’s a very simple website that allows you to network with friends, know what they are upto, chat with them, send messages and basically do almost everything you may wanna do int the real life, only now, it’s a virtual interaction. Even corporate companies have pages, celebrities cant miss there and well, everyone, including your mother and granddad! Really can go on and on and on about this ‘very addictive’ network but please, spare me the anguish and try it yourself!
Facebook aside, I have seen that I have neglected you, my sweet readers, by not giving you the latest scoop about my personal life and realization in regards to my sexual orientation. (wow! I cant believe I just typed those words!). so guys please forgive me, but soon you shall be seeing more of my posts on the subject and I will let you know all you wanna know!! Kapeesh?!
Poke someone today!!
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
MEETING NEW FRIENDS
Yesterday I was browsing on my phone, going through my facebook (oh and by the way I must write something about the revolution of facebook in Kenya!) and I was just thinking to myself how lucky I was to have met someone in here who likes me despite my many differences. Imagine this. The guy claims to be in love with me! We haven’t met yet, I haven’t even seen his picture but I already have this feeling that the guy is really nice. Everyday he inboxes me, telling me how he loves me, how he likes me, calling me angel(I really like that!) and oh! Just making me feel all queezy inside.
“it feels like oooooh! You don’t know my name… “ Alicia Keys runs through my mind all over again.
Some people live for a fortune,
Some people live for the fame,
Some people live for the power, yeah,
Some people live just to play the game,
Some people want it all, but I don’t want nothing at all,
If it ain’t you baby, If I ain't got you baby…
I think that’s enough for today.
“just live your life….you're only Human…”
Monday, June 15, 2009
THERE IS HOPE
I woke up this morning and as I started preparing myself for work I realized that time has really gone by and my time to realize my dream is coming fast. It was time to start preparing hard and I was now feeling ready, somehow.
I took this liberty to share my thoughts and aspirations with those interested in my blog. I realize I haven’t been writing much here but I assure you that you will be seeing more of these wordings.
When I started this blog, it had so many names to pick from. I couldn’t keep to one name and I kept changing it depending on my whims of the day. But when I finally stuck to the name (deleted)
To me this is a way of telling the whole world my story. I sometimes wish I had a laptop or a pc at my home because I just know I would write till the end!! I even sometimes think that if, given a chance, I would write columns in the dailies! But rest assured, im one person with a huge, gigantic bag of dreams and aspirations and I believe that soon, I shall be on the road to fulfilling these dreams I have. As God is my savior, I believe that nothing under His watch is unattainable!
Pr. 10:18 The hope of the righteous is gladness; but the hope of the wicked shall perish.
I took this liberty to share my thoughts and aspirations with those interested in my blog. I realize I haven’t been writing much here but I assure you that you will be seeing more of these wordings.
When I started this blog, it had so many names to pick from. I couldn’t keep to one name and I kept changing it depending on my whims of the day. But when I finally stuck to the name (deleted)
To me this is a way of telling the whole world my story. I sometimes wish I had a laptop or a pc at my home because I just know I would write till the end!! I even sometimes think that if, given a chance, I would write columns in the dailies! But rest assured, im one person with a huge, gigantic bag of dreams and aspirations and I believe that soon, I shall be on the road to fulfilling these dreams I have. As God is my savior, I believe that nothing under His watch is unattainable!
Pr. 10:18 The hope of the righteous is gladness; but the hope of the wicked shall perish.
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