DREAMS FROM MY HEART

Hi y’all. Hope you missed me!
I felt that I needed to offload some of the stuff that has been going on in my mind lately. I've got so much to share yet I don’t want it to be like I'm telling the whole world my ‘nakedness’. (I hope you get me).
It’s Friday and I’m at the peak of my scratching! Aargh! The facial hair! I shave every weekends and of course, by Friday, all that is grown and all itchy. Everytime I look at the mirror and see that hair, it breaks my heart. Everytime I look at my facebook profile photo of Isis, I get so emotional and wonder to myself about when all this is going to end. I wonder how I'm gonna begin this really excruciatingly harrowing and difficult journey that I'm beginning! Can anyone feel my pain? I know, I know, people sometimes don’t like listening to other people’s problems. But it is my assumption and hope that by sharing what I'm going through, people can somehow understand exactly what goes on inside a Transgender’s mind or life, before and after. I also hope that when I say ‘after’ it means that I shall be able to continue updating my blog even after I have started doing all that stuff I dream an long for so much.
I have been listening to Tyra’s interview of Isis King, a transgender model who contested in Tyra’s America’s Next Top Model. She is such an inspiration to me. Both of them are. She speaks about her life so easily and frankly and I see a lot of me in her. Because she has gone through much of what I have and I feel she is just like me. Americans have it easier that us Africans, or Kenyans for that matter. I sometimes just wish I would get a visa or green card to the US and I can finally pursue my dreams and aspirations with ease. It would make me the happiest girl in the world.
I dream of so many things. I take myself to be a very intelligent young girl. I have so many ideas in my mind. There are numerous things I want to achieve in life. I have told several of my friends that I made a pact with God that He would not take me before atleast achieving these aspirations and dreams. I know there are people who may thing I'm nuts or something, but believe me, I dreamt it and I desperately wanna achieve it. Again, its mostly to do with helping others and I believe this would come in handy to the rest of the world. In a nutshell, I believe the world needs me!
I dream of one day waking up, dressing for work and not hating it, going to do something I love doing, people appreciating and respecting me for who I am, being able to help the less fortunate in the society, and basically just being the me God intended me to be.

My dreams will come true. I will do everything necessary to achieve this. Amen.

I HAD TO PUT THIS ONE!! VERY INTRIGUING!!

Maya Angelou hit the core with this one

Yesterday I cried watching the Michael Jackson memorial. I cried for a little
black boy who felt the world didn't understand him.
I cried for a little black boy who spent his adulthood chasing his childhood.
And I thought about all the young black boys out there who may feel
that the world doesn’t understand them.
The ones who feel that the world does not understand their baggy jeans,
their swagger, their music, their anger, their struggles, their fears or the
chip on their shoulder.
I worry that my son, may too, one day feel lonely in a wide, wide world.
I cried for young children of all colors who may live their life feeling
like a misfit, feeling like no one understands their perspective, or their
soul. What a burden to carry.
As a mother, I cried for Katherine Jackson because no mother should
ever bury a child. Period. And I think about all the pain, tears and
sleepless nights that she must have endured seeing her baby boy in
inner pain, seeing him struggle with his self- esteem, and his insecurities
and to know that he often felt unloved. Even while the world loved him deeply.
How does it feel to think that the unconditional love we give as mothers
just isn’t enough to make our children feel whole?
I wonder if she still suffers thinking, “What more could I have done?”
Even Moms of music legends aren’t immune to Mommy guilt, I suppose.
When Rev. Al Sharpton (who always delivers one “Awesome” funeral
speech), said to Michael’s children “ Your Daddy was not Strange . . . .
It was strange what your daddy had to deal with” I thought of all of the
strange things of the world that my children would have to deal with.
Better yet, the things I hope they won’t ever have to deal with anymore.
And as a mother raising a young black boy, I feel recommitted and yet a
little confused as to how to make sure my son is sure enough within
himself to take on the world. Especially a “strange” one. To love himself
enough to know that even when the world doesn’t understand you, tries
to force you into it’s mold or treats you unkindly, you are still beautiful,
strong, and Black. How do I do that?
Today, I’m taking back “childhood” as an inalienable right for every brown
little one. In a world that makes children into “booty-Shakin”, mini- adults
long before their time, I’m reclaiming the playful, the innocent, run-around
outside, childhood as the key ingredient in raising confident adults.
Second, I will not rest until my little black boy, My Michael, knows that his
broad nose is beautiful, his chocolately brown skin is beautiful, and his thick
hair is beautiful.
And nothing or no one, can take that away from him.
Now, ain’t we Bad, ain’t we Black, and ain’t we Beautiful!

Maya Angelou
July, 2009

CONFUSION

It’s been quite a while hasn’t it? I know I know…seems like I've just left you guys out and forgotten all about you. Trust me, I haven’t. Maybe that’s the last thing on my mind right now.
I'm going through a lot of moved emotions right now. Its getting quite complicated, my life that is. I have someone new in my life and we’re taking it slow. Things are looking good on that department and I'm very thankful.
Honestly I can’t quite put a finger on what's bothering me all of a sudden but all I know is that the anxiety is getting stronger and more intense as the days go by, or as the d-day draws nearer.
I'm feeling confused about a lot of things and as I said, right now, I don’t exactly know what it is.
The good news is that I applied for a position at an NGO that asked for applications from persons within the LGBTI community and I am so praying that I get it because it means that I might just start my growth earlier than planned!
Also as I said, there is someone new in my life. He is one of a kind; that’s all I can say for now, and frankly, I'm smitten! I think I mentioned a little about him on my blog ‘I'm a Flirt’. He is the guy I flirted with a lot and I guess the flirting paid back handsomely!! (Pun intended, hehe..).
The slightly bad news isn't new at all. I'm still sad that I have to wake up every day and wear a shirt and tie or suit and go to work at a place I like, but cant enjoy because I'm not myself.
These things are hurting me and I guess maybe today they’ve manifested themselves a lot more. I usually don’t like thinking about it but every now and then I shed a few tears and pray hard that my misery shall be put to an end soon.

When I get the time, I will share with you some of the hurdles that my kind of people, especially in Kenya have gone through just to try and be ourselves and be happy.

May peace rest in our souls now and forever more, Amen.