Getting Harder By The Day

nothing much happening. would wanna update y'all, but somehow things are not going as planned.

but not to worry. maybe i will bounce back.

you never know.

for now, this short post will do.

(update) lets just say am gone on sabbatical.

DREAMS FROM MY HEART

Hi y’all. Hope you missed me!
I felt that I needed to offload some of the stuff that has been going on in my mind lately. I've got so much to share yet I don’t want it to be like I'm telling the whole world my ‘nakedness’. (I hope you get me).
It’s Friday and I’m at the peak of my scratching! Aargh! The facial hair! I shave every weekends and of course, by Friday, all that is grown and all itchy. Everytime I look at the mirror and see that hair, it breaks my heart. Everytime I look at my facebook profile photo of Isis, I get so emotional and wonder to myself about when all this is going to end. I wonder how I'm gonna begin this really excruciatingly harrowing and difficult journey that I'm beginning! Can anyone feel my pain? I know, I know, people sometimes don’t like listening to other people’s problems. But it is my assumption and hope that by sharing what I'm going through, people can somehow understand exactly what goes on inside a Transgender’s mind or life, before and after. I also hope that when I say ‘after’ it means that I shall be able to continue updating my blog even after I have started doing all that stuff I dream an long for so much.
I have been listening to Tyra’s interview of Isis King, a transgender model who contested in Tyra’s America’s Next Top Model. She is such an inspiration to me. Both of them are. She speaks about her life so easily and frankly and I see a lot of me in her. Because she has gone through much of what I have and I feel she is just like me. Americans have it easier that us Africans, or Kenyans for that matter. I sometimes just wish I would get a visa or green card to the US and I can finally pursue my dreams and aspirations with ease. It would make me the happiest girl in the world.
I dream of so many things. I take myself to be a very intelligent young girl. I have so many ideas in my mind. There are numerous things I want to achieve in life. I have told several of my friends that I made a pact with God that He would not take me before atleast achieving these aspirations and dreams. I know there are people who may thing I'm nuts or something, but believe me, I dreamt it and I desperately wanna achieve it. Again, its mostly to do with helping others and I believe this would come in handy to the rest of the world. In a nutshell, I believe the world needs me!
I dream of one day waking up, dressing for work and not hating it, going to do something I love doing, people appreciating and respecting me for who I am, being able to help the less fortunate in the society, and basically just being the me God intended me to be.

My dreams will come true. I will do everything necessary to achieve this. Amen.

MYSTERIES OF THE PAST

When I sat down at my computer to write today’s post, I thought to myself, ‘its been long since I shared my past with these lovely people’. So here goes. Hope you like it.

It was in the mid 90’s and I was still in primary school. I had just recently joined a boarding school and it was tough work! I was really young and really small. But at least I wasn’t that shy. Days went by and people got to know each other. I gained a nickname ‘kasupuu’ due to my looking soo much like a girl. I couldn’t help it! (even now it ain't easy, even despite my having some hair on my face!). it wasn’t easy. But I braved through. I fought hard to keep my head up. And my being a hardliner, I also toyed with the situation and got the best out of it.
Time had passed and I had grown older. I had began this process better known as ‘adolescence’, so I started liking guys. It felt weird and nice all at once. I never understood what the h**l was going on! It was so freaking confusing! But I wavered on; pushing on, trying to make sure I keep to myself. It wasn’t easy. I found myself flirting with both gyus and girls! I played with the girls-hop step and jump, kati, bladder, jump rope, you name it! I also went to boy games like foot ball and cheered them on, all the while liking what I see! (oops!!). it was somewhat possible, yet difficult. People bashed me for apparently ‘behaving like a girl’ I tried to ‘remove’ these behaviours but nothing! People laughed at me. I felt stupid; trying to change something that was knitted in me; entrenched in my genes. It was just impossible(so it felt)!
In some words, it was a harrowing experience(I've always wanted to use that word!)! I am so glad and thankful(to God) that I was able to get out of that.

Ofcourse there is more. There is a lot more. I wish sometimes there was a way of encoding the gazillion million thoughts that race, nay zoom through my wild open mind!! But that’s a story for another day.

Do have a lovely time, wont you?!

It makes me sick, what people can do out of ignorance. Someone once said that “Ignorance makes the heart fear.” Lest try and understand each other, try being the operative word.