I Don't Exist

I know I have said this before but........

On my last post, I mentioned that our government is making all Kenyans who own a SIM card to have it registered. They need identification documents to have this done. I am perturbed. Why? Because my current identification documents do not resemble me one bit. Fine, you may say “it sure looks like your brother” but that's as near as you may go. It has my former (male) name, it has an “M” for sex etc etc. So how am I to register? They need a copy of your ID card to register you. That means I can't even go to a friend who does the registration and ask him/her to just register me without the need to produce an ID. It is times like these that I feel like saying “FML!!”.

Still on the same, Kenya is in a voting mood. We are voting either for or against the constitution. Oh, wait, THEY are voting. Oh no, not me. The government doesn't know I exist! Okay, I can do something about it and I am doing it, but if youve been following this, you know that I started it like three months ago! So that means, I cant vote YES. I am rooting for the constitution. It has good things for us. But I cant vote. I have an ID that doesn't look like me! Huh!

Finally, I read something on transgender identities in Kenya. The author kept saying how people need to stop “pigeon-holing” transgender individuals in identities that don't belong to them. I completely agree. And it is indeed true that trans persons keep being pigeon-holed into the binary system of “male” or “female” and where one is found to have the genitalia of either or, then they use that to define you. Who gave them the right? Huh? Who made them judge? Fine, we can agree that “oh no we have never heard of transgender before” fine. But if I tell you I am a transgender then don't start asking me what I have between my legs. Does it matter? Did I say I wanna have sex with you or something? Because basically that's the only reason you'd have to ask me such a question. What am I saying? Basically, it is plain wrong to identify someone by what they have “down there”. I personally am a woman. A female. A girl. I choose that because it feels right. Wait, I am not saying am not transgender, am saying that transgender is not my identity. There is a difference. There is my status and the identity I choose. So if someone wants to be called, not a woman but, a transsexual woman, then so be it. If a transsexual woman wants to simply be called a woman, then so be it. This manenos of putting people in boxes should cease and desist.

Period.


*XOXO*

Life Like Its Golden

i like that song. the one sang by jill scott. practically says all or most of what i feel. just check out the lyrics.

[Intro:]
Heyyy, Ohh, Heyyy, Yeah, Ohh, Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeahhhh

[Verse 1]
I'm taking my freedom,
Pulling it off the shelf,
Putting it on my chain,
Wear it around my neck,
I'm taking my freedom,
Putting it in my car,
Wherever I choose to go,
It will take me far,

[Chorus]
I'm livin' my life like it's golden
Livin' my life like it's golden, [X3]
Livin' my life like it's golden, golden,
Livin' my life like it's golden, [X4]
Livin' my life like it's golden, golden,

[Verse 2]
I'm taking my own freedom
Putting it in my song,
Singing loud and strong,
Grooving all day long,
I'm taking my freedom,
Putting it in my stroll,
I'll be high-steppin' y'all,
Letting the joy unfold,

[Chorus]

I'm holding on to my freedom,
Can't take it from me,
I was born into it,
It comes naturally,
I'm strumming my own freedom,
Playing the god in me,
Representing his glory,
Hope he's proud of me,

[Chorus]

[Bridge]
I'm living my life like its golden, golden, golden, golden, golden, golden, [X2]

[Chorus]

[Jill Scott:]
Livin' my life like it's golden,
It really matters to me, Ohhh

[Bridge X5]

Sim Card Registration? Huh!

Our good Kenyan Government has decided to make life a tad bit harder, or better depending on the way you view it. They have launched a campaign dubbed "Get Your SIM Card Registered". And its mandatory!

It’s now mandatory to register your SIM card

Posted: 21 Jun, 2010

Mobile subscribers in the country have up to July 30 to register all their SIM cards with their respective service providers, the Government directed today. This Directive also applies to those taking up mobile phone services for the first time as well as those buying additional SIM cards. 

What am I gonna do? I don't have an ID.

Huh! Such frustrating times...

20th July: Three Months Later...

(In the usual way...)
Its been three months since I got my surgery and began taking female hormones. Gosh this will be short!

I guess nothing much has change in terms of the body. Am more or less the same. Maybe a slight increase in hip size but that could be just me. I am expecting more of that though hehe...I sure can't wait for that.

What's been bugging me? Dilemma. I know I said it before but with all honesty its still bugging me. I feel kinda bad when am hanging out with a friend, and more so a male friend, who happens to like me a lot and think I'm hot and what not, and even probably wants to date me, and not tell him about my past. Why?

Fear of the unknown. I am scared of how they'd react. Fine, I might have had it smooth with other friends and family but I need to remind myself that that will not be the trend always. Not everyone has embraced the new me. Even some of my relatives who are okay with me being around them still feel kind of uneasy when am with them and worse still, some can't stand the fact that I did this. They feel that I took the wrong turn, that I was too young, I rushed into it, this could have been averted in one way or another, that I spat in God's face etc. So you can see how it can really weigh down on me! Thus, I get somewhat worried about it... wondering "what if...". The unknown.

But...............I do hope that things get better. I do hope that I shall be able to tell the ones that seem to be understanding and are close to me and also try to be more at ease. I know for a fact that this was THE BEST decision I could have made under the circumstances. Do I wish there was an easier way? Who doesn't?

Three months later and I am even more at peace with life than before. Three months later and within two months I shall celebrate a years worth of transitioning! Three months later and...oh gosh...I just can't wait for a year to pass!

Wish me luck!

*XOXO*

And Life Goes On

in my urge to update my readers, i posted something i shouldn't have. so those who are subscribed probably found a link and then it went broken. i apologize for that.

basically things are going on okay. work is excessive. as in there is so much to do. A and i are going on easy. i cannot express how he makes me feel :) my social life is ish ish. not so much. the only thing, as i mentioned in my last post, that bores me is that i always am very cautious and wonder when and if its the right time to tell about my status. or even whether or not its important.

anyhoo...

sometimes i wonder if in 5 years i will look back and smile..

i bet i will!

take care dears, sorry for the reeealy short post!

Dilemma

I am in a dilemma. I'm torn between being me and revealing the truth about me. I have friends who know my trans status, I have those who don't and still I have those who suspect it. I am in a dilemma. My dilemma is them – the ones who don't know or I haven't told – finding out that I am trans. I have no clue how they will take the news. I have no idea if they will be fine with it or not. Its just so confusing.
Life has been smooth and okay of late. My job is going well and my relationship with A is simply great. As in...in a nutshell, step by step, the things I've always dreamed of are taking place. Just a few things I need to sort out.

My identity. As I said earlier, I am an alien. I don't have an ID. The ID that I have looks nothing like me, at all! I have applied for something called a Deed Poll that is to notify the government and the general public that from day so and so I relinquish the use of the name so and so (male name) and begin using name so and so (preferred name. Preferably gender ambiguous). Because we don't know how the authorities will react if I gave them a female name, I've chosen a gender neutral one. My two kikuyu names. That way, its easier to pass. However the process is taking long and am getting impatient. I still don't have a passport and I really need one. I like what Audrey Mbugua and her organisation are doing for us. She is making it known in the public that we, the transgender community in Kenya are being neglected and the current laws don't allow us to change our genders. At least we can change names. If only it were easier. Anyway, I shall have to wait.

On the dilemma issue, I will see how to sort it out. There is always a way out right?

p.s. Sometimes I just wish I could know what my high school colleagues thought about me back then. I wonder...

My Mornings

Every day when I wake up in the morning, I think to myself, “What a great day. Am so thankful to be alive!” Then I begin my routine. But there are things that I always feel bad about.

Shaving.

Just imagine! I shave like after every two or three days. I feel bad about that. Its a constant reminder that I still have some shreds of testosterone in my body and that I need electrolysis. Electrolysis is the best way to get rid of them permanently. Sigh. Its not a nice thing. I shaved today. And it always makes me feel bad. But anyway, the time will come when I wont shave no more! I just need to plan it through. It simply doesn't feel right.

Tucking.

This is actually something I do almost all the time. I know my transgender, transsexual, transvestite, cross-dressers and drag queens know what I'm talking about. Making sure “that birth-defect” down there is properly tucked away into your pantie never ever to be seen or felt or even thought about. I just called it a birth-defect. I don't like it. I also don't hate it. But I don't like it. It makes me feel bad. Always. Huh!

Make-up.

I wear make-up mostly to conceal my heavily blemished and dark-shadowed face. I don't like it. Fine, it makes me look very nice and pretty but I just wish sometimes I could do without it. Granted this is not a regret of just me, many girls (not just trans) have the same predicament. They feel that they're naked without the make-up on. I feel the same. I don't like how my skin looks like without it. And I don't like the fact that I HAVE TO wear it every single day. Sigh.


Yeap. Thats my daily frustrations. But you know what? Things are good. I cant complain. Heck, I should be rejoicing! Honestly! I am so glad things are good. Most of all, I AM THANKFUL!


XOXO