I'M BAAAAAACCCKKKK!!!!!

I AM BACK BIACHES!!!

HAHAHA!!!!!

Did y'all miss me?

I've had such a great, difficult, exhausting, confusing and wonderful few years since I last posted.

I am now happily married to a wonderful man and we are planning a future together. We actually didn't think it would be possible to get married but since we are 'unique', we got it done! Yay!

I've also added some considerable weight! *sigh* It is both good and bad. I've been struggling with the weight issue for a while now and while I love that my body is all curvy and sexy and I look like a mamaa, I still battle with weight stuff and self stigma. I feel like I am overweight and that I desperately need to shed a few.

BUTT...

I am hopeful that in the next year or so I will manage to cut down my weight to a manageable and agreeable number. Pale nimefika imekua sasa kidogo too much bana..

ALSO...

We are doing great things in terms of advancing the rights of people like me in Kenya and in the region. I am sure some of you already know me in person but the rest sio lazima mnijue. My life is my life and I like to keep it private. Mnaelewa, sindio?

Keeping my life private has always been of prime importance to me. I've never wanted to be in the public eye. My friends like Audrey have always challenged me to at least do an interview or something...

LAKINI...

I am concerned about my safety. My family, my relatives...friends... and to repeat, my SAFETY! It isn't that I don't want the public to know about our existence, challenges, struggles and lives, but that I need to feel secure.

I mean, I live in a rented apartment! What if I am kicked out of my house? What if the environment I occupy is suddenly hostile and I am targeted, undressed, beaten, humiliated, paraded etc? What if?

What if they go for my mother? What if they fire her for having a daughter like me?

These are the questions that run through my mind whenever I think about doing a TV interview.

But DAAAYYYUUUMMM!!

I'd look HOT in an interview dontchathink? ;-) hehe

That is all for today..

Toodles!

Lind.

While I Am Away...

So....

I have been away...yup. Not news. Been busy. Plus, not much to write about really, I've just submerged into 'normal' Nairobi life, with a few bumps here and there, like the other day my passport being seen and the M being noticed and me grabbing my passport as the security guard hands it to me and tells me that "there is a mistake" and me running away like hell! LOL..

Despite that... I do read a few things here and there.

I read Monica Robert's blog <http://transgriot.blogspot.com>

Susan's Place <https://www.susans.org>

Janet Mock's Blog <http://janetmock.com/blog/>

And this new African blog Our Trans Journey <http://ourtransjourney.com>

:-)

That's just about it!

My Autobio Updated

Hey folks,

I've just added an update to My Autobiography.

Please check it out :-)

Still Sucks....

It still sucks

Still sucks to meet a guy you like

And not be able to be open with them

Because you don't know their reaction

When they find out you have a d**k

It still sucks

Still sucks when he is so wonderful to you

Makes you so happy and free

But still can't say anything

Can't tell him about your genitals

It still sucks

Still sucks when you're so into him

Want to know more of him

But you hold back

Because you have a d**k

It still sucks

Still sucks because you're scared

Scared he will hate you and detest you

Maybe even beat you up, or worse, kill you

Because they found out you're a girl with a d**k

Just Checking In...

Hey guys,

Some of you have emailed me and asked why I don't blog anymore.

Well, its not that I have closed the blog or anything, its just that I don't feel like there is much to say anymore.

I am pretty much happy with life. Just that I want to do that surgery so bad.

That is all.

Love you guys.

XOXO

Should I Give Up On Straight Men?

I am giving up. I am giving up on men. Straight men to be precise.

I am so giving up and walking away altogether. Here's why.

Conversation with "Aleki"

Aleki likes me. He reads this blog. I know there are others too who like me. But here's why I wouldn't bother with them.

They like me because I am trans.

Not for anything else, but because I am trans. Should I be insulted? Should I just say "well at least he knows that I am trans so that part of the conversation is sorted..."?

Conversation with my friend D

D notices I'm mopey and wonders why. I tell him that I like this guy but he doesn't seem to like me as much as I like him, despite him saying he likes me. D goes to confront him. (This conversation has been downgraded to a more PC version)

"You were with my friend and now you're with her friend. That's messed up."
"I like Lind ..... but you know D, ... I like pussy"

D comes and tells me what transpired. I break down. "...I like her.... but I like pussy" rings in my head over and over again.

Conversation with my other friend N

I like transwomen. Is that so bad? Its really not about their being trans, but just their being who they are. Is it wrong for me to have a preference to transwomen?

Analysis

It is indeed clear that I don't want to date a guy who likes me only because I have a odd-looking ladybits.

But it is also clear that most straight men (since I am into men ... mostly) just like pussy.

I can't ignore that. Nor can I avoid it. It is how it is.

I hate my genitals.

Those who like me (and any other transwoman out there who's like me) need to get this clear: I don't like my odd-looking ladybits. I just don't. Yes, I know y'all have told me many times that I should love my bits just the way they are but I think y'all don't get it. I am a woman. Women don't have such bits. They have pussies.

I crave for the day I can just spread my legs wide without feeling uncomfortable.

It isn't sexual. It sounds sexual, but it isn't. I am not having genital surgery so that I can ride someone. No. I am having it for my own peace of mind. It is utterly necessary. Many of you won't get it because you've never felt discomfort with your own bodies. Some of you may. It's like having a tumor on your neck. Once you're able to get rid of it, you become a different person. You're less conscious. Less bothered. Your self esteem goes through the roof.

That's what I want. FREEDOM.

Let me remain single for now. Its a much easier space to be in. Lonely, but easier.

XOXO

Lind

Yeah, I'm The Boring Type Of Transwoman

So on further conversation with Aleki (see previous post), apparently I am boring. Nowadays I bash people about their misogyny, about their lack of understanding and many other things.

Yes I am. Boring that is.

I am trying to educate you guys here. About me. About being a transwoman. About living as a woman who has an unusual genital composition and is terribly uncomfortable about it.

Get it? I doubt it.

A man who wants a transwoman just because she is trans will never understand why she detests, abhors, hates the genitals she has. NEVER.

Why?

Because for him, being with a transgirl is a fantasy.

Chick with dick.

I so fucking hate that!

I am not a chick with a dick. Don't you dare call me that. I will slap the bejesus out of you.

Why you ask?

Because I am a woman. I am dysphoric because I am a woman who was born with a penis. A woman who had to live over 20 years of her life as male. Confused, baffled, and troubled. 

FOR TWENTY FUCKING YEARS.

So yeah, call me boring for not enabling your little "chick with dick" fantasies. Tafuta mwenye atakubali lakini sio mimi. Hell no.

If you can't see me as a woman, whether I have a pussy or dick or large clit or nothing at all, but me as me, as Lindsay, as a human being with feelings, emotions, intelligence, and not a mere oddly-shaped body, then FUCK OFF.

I don't need you in my life.

Let me tell you something, If you come to this blog hoping that you will woo me into going on a date with you so that at some point I will allow you to "fuck me in the ass as you play with my dick", then boy you're in the wrong hood!

GET IT?

XOXO

Lind.

Re: Sasa

lol

sorry aleki. im not looking to have sex with someone who just wants to experience a trans girl. that's insulting and demeaning.

i do understand your curiosity though... if i knew a trans sex worker, i would give you her contacts and you can negotiate a price. then you will get to have your "experience with a trans chic".

nice day.

---

From: Aleki XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
To: "kashwiti@yahoo.com" <kashwiti@yahoo.com>
Sent: Monday, September 9, 2013 6:09 AM
Subject: Sasa

Hi, just been reading ur blog. I am an open-minded

guy and wud really luv to experience a Trans chic...
I like the idea dat ur Big clit turns on! wanna play
with it. am not gay. am straight but curious. I promise
to satisfy you fully, discretely tho. pliz get in touch.

cheers

Maybe I Should Just Cut It Off

As I continue to live this life... this relatively new life... my desire for bottom surgery increases. I am increasingly getting restless over this. Over the lack of money, over having to tuck everyday, over having to explain things to new lovers... IT SUCKS!

My friend Veronica told me she didn't have sex with anyone until she did her surgery. I guess I can't be like her. That means I have to deal with 'coming out' issues all the time.

Men are simple. To them it is all about penetration. "If I am not inside you, then it isn't sex."
I don't do anal sex. I do thigh sex.

"Intercrural sex (from "inter-" and Latin "crura", legs), also known as femoral/interfemoral sex/intercourse, is a type of non-penetrative sex, in which a male places his penis between his partner's thighs (often with lubrication^[1]), and thrusts to create friction."

Non-penetrative. That's what they say. But trust me, I always feel like I'm being penetrated. And, I have been told, they too feel like they're penetrating. So it is all about how you feel rather than what the books say, or what your mind tells you, or what you're used to.

Not!

Many men still believe that sex is not sex if it isn't penetrative. If it isn't inside a vagina or anus, it is NOT sex.

Funny.

But that's the reality. The reality I have to deal with every single time. I just want to give up. But I am human. I have urges. It isn't a secret. Let's not pretend I don't have sex. Let's not pretend transgirls don't have sex. We do. But I have to deal with this man who expects a vag but gets something different. Worse still, he gets a girl with 'some dangling meat down there'. Ugh!

That's why sometimes I think, maybe I should just cut it off. It's called Penectomy.

Well... the other option is to stop having sex.

Life goes on....

Why Are Gay Men So Trans-Misogynistic?

This is very weird. You'd think that since someone is a minority, that they understand what it means to be different, that they'd get you.

No.

I've found out that many gay men are super trans-misogynists!!

They simply refuse to understand/accept that we are FEMALE.

The mere fact that I am pre-op renders me MALE. Period. No questions asked. To them, your gender is determined by what you have between your legs. So penis=male, vagina=female.

Since I began referring to "that thing down there" as my big clit (thank you sir :-)) I've gotten a little - little - tolerant of its presence (nuisance) on my body. I've even gotten a little courageous and let my partner touch it - something I could never do before! But back to 'the gays'.

Even the thought of intersex is a no no no for them. You're either a 'penisman' or a 'vaginawoman'.

It disgusts me.

But then again, what can I do other than continue engaging them, talking to them, trying to make them see the world in a more 'queer' way ...

Gay men, be more queer!

XOXO

Lind

Coming Out?

Coming out telling someone you REALLY REALLY LIKE about your medical past/status is so HARD!!!

Anyway, life goes on I guess.

**Hopeful**

XOXO

Lind

Thoughts Today

I'm thinking. And I've been thinking. As usual. Mostly about my dysphoria - my discomfort with the look of my genitals and how that constantly shapes how I think, how I interact with people (esp in public), and so forth.

 

 

To be honest, a lot of it has to do with relationships and relating. Yes, I have met many guys (and girls) who have absolutely no issue with my large clit, but I just can't shake away the thought (and maybe you could say reality) that it is a penis. I can create words for it, and say that it is a clit, since it resides on my body - a female body, but it looks like a penis. Thus, it is one. I lived as male for 22 years. I can't run away from that. I don't look male at all - or so people tell me. But I still see shreds of masculinity in my body. Like the tiny bump on my neck, the remnants of "5 O'clock shadow", the large clit ... the lack of a pussy. All these. They somewhat define how I live life.

 

I like how this gorgeous transwoman puts it in this (not so well interviewed) interview. Amiyah Scott.

 

 

She so pretty!

Pretty Ogre ....

I'm also thinking about how quickly I become undesirable once I reveal the reality of 'what's down there' and my past life. So quickly. It's like a switch.

I meet this guy, we talk, we flirt, we like stuff about each other, he really finds me interesting and intriguing. Until he finds out I have a past life as male. All that is interesting about me suddenly becomes moot. Disappears. Gone. I suddenly am reduced to "that girl has no vagina?" person. Nothing more. Maybe even less/worse.

Now I just want to stop telling them altogether. I may as well remain on my own.

 

 

Maybe I feel that time is passing away and the gender affirming surgery seems so far away ... maybe I am craving a little more.

 

Patience. That's what I'm telling myself. Patience. And focus.

 

It shall come.

 

 

XOXO

Lind.

I Wanna Wear A Bikini!!

I was responding to a comment made by one of my readers Brandi Rae on a previous post"I'm Jealous of Cissexual Women" Here's her comment:

Hi,
I'm so sorry for the extra difficulties, discrimination, and drama you must put up with just because you are trans*. But I wanted to tell you, that the people in your life who decide not to be close to you based on your body meeting their expectations...those are not the people you need to share closeness with. The people who will love you for the woman you are, regardless of the package you're wrapped in...those are the people you need to hold close and not let go. And they are out there, I promise!

I am a ciswoman myself, and I am naturally hetero, mostly interested in men, and I do love cismale anatomy... however, if I loved a man and found him sexy and wanted to be close to him, and then found out he happened to have a V instead of a P, it actually wouldn't be a big deal at all for me. ALL bodies are sacred, all intimacy is a gift and privilege to cherish, and EVERYONE should be able to feel sexy and desirable in the body they have.

So if you wish to have surgery, I hope you can do so, but I hope you're not convinced you need it, just to make a potential partner happy. I hope you would be doing it to make yourself happy.

Remember, that with many surgeries, you might not ever enjoy sex as much, or you may never experience orgasm again, due to nerves being cut or scar tissue, etc. So it's not something you should do just in case your future partner would like it better. YOU are the one who will live in your body forever, so make the decision for YOU. Besides, there are lots of people out there who have no trouble finding a body sexy, because they love who is inside it. I hope you do find them. I wish you so much happiness! Sending internet love and hugs! <3 em="">

My reply to her was:

Hi Brandi,

I think my fear mostly with surgery is about that - loss of sensation and sexual appetite and the like. I hope it doesn't go away since I do do want to have the surgery. And no, it is not for the pleasure of anyone but of my self! I abhor the way my genitals look, feel and behave. I want to be able to wear a bikini and walk around Mombasa beaches without a care in the world. Right now that is but a dream. I have won swimming costumes but it is a one piece with a skirt-like cover around the waist area - to hide any bulges that might protrude.

Thanks for the well wishes though! I know I will find love someday :-)

 While I was making the comment, it reminded me of how Isis King had a hard time when doing photo shoots that required her to be in a bikini. She spoke of how she'd 'keep everything intact' using tape and I'd think to myself "Gosh, I can't do that! Maybe use sanitary pads!" Just look at her before she had surgery:

I didn't want to show the pictures where she's spreading her legs (boy do I hate that! Reminds me of a time I was with this guy and he kept wanting me to spread my legs around him and I couldn't and he didn't know why - eventually I had to tell him. Huh! He wasn't interested! :-( )

After the end of ANTM, she had her surgery thanks to help from Tyra Banks and bam! She could do sexy poses such as these:

 We all know where we're looking at right? Yup, the crotch! I WANT THAT! I want to be able to spread my legs comfortably and not worry about a bulge or 'things falling apart'. And I want it so bad! Not for anyone, not for a relationship, but for myself. For me to feel COMPLETE.

I know it will happen one day, I guess I just can't wait anymore!

XOXO

Lind.

I'm NOT a Man, Never "Used to be" a Man

The other day Audrey Mbugua came into the limelight in Kenyan news when she filed a suit against the Kenya National Examinations Council (KNEC) on their refusal to change her documents as per her name change. She wants them to change the documents to reflect her changed name but they kept taking her round and round.

If you want to read more about Audrey Mbugua and her work, see her articles on www.transgenderkenya.com.

I met this guy in a club. I could tell clearly that he wasn't exposed to a lot in life as he claimed to be, considering the club had a lot of queer people in it. As we were dancing, he happened to touch my genital area. Twice. I was freaking out a little. Later while we were talking he asked me

"Are you a man who wants to be a woman?"

I almost threw up on him! I told him I am not a man, heard that? NOT A MAN, NEVER HAVE BEEN, NEVER USED TO BE!

I find that a lot of people while referring to transfolk will say "Oh that guy used to be a girl" or "You know she used to me a man" and stuff like that.

STOP IT! IT IS DEGRADING!

Once I came to the full realization of my self and my person, it was clear that I never used to be a man. I may have lived as a man yes, but I never was one.

So to all who interact with transpeople. The gender they are is the gender they are. It isn't their "new gender". Get it?

Lind
XOXO

I'm Jealous of Cissexual Women

This is deeply personal. I don't like talking about my body and sharing of it. But maybe it will help you understand a bit about being trans and being sexual.

Yea. I admit. I am jealous.

Sometimes I even wonde what the guys who sleep with me see in me. I don't have the V so I can't do certain things. Its hard.

Sex is complicated for me. Very.

I try manouver around it. Have mental images during coitus, but its always a tall order.

Its not the first time I'm talking about sex.

Maybe because I've been having a lot of it lately? Or not? Or overthinking it?

Sharing my body is one of the most hardest things I can do. I only do it with someone who I deeply care for, and I can tell they do so to me too. I've been hurt before. No one wants to be hurt.

But that isn't the point.

I hardly enjoy sex. I don't think I will ever 'fully' enjoy it untill I actually do the surgery. It sounds kinda pathetic. Some of my friends get me but they still look at me with those eyes that say "you need to get a hold of yourself, girl! you're pretty!"

Whenever I'm naked in bed with a guy, I'm thinking "I gotta hide it. Chics don't have 'that thing down there', they have a V. So in order for him to see me as a girl I gotta hide it. Ignore it. Pretend it doesn't exist. He shouldn't even touch it! Darn! Its in the way. I wish I'd just cut it off and be over with it."

Several times I get hit on. And I see those eyes screaming "I wanna do you so bad!" but in my head I'm like, "Yeah. You have no idea what you're dealing with"

Maybe I should relax. Take a break. Slow down. Focus on work. Yeah. I will focus more on work and less on sex and men and all that sh!t.

Have a jolly good time y'all!

XOXO

Lind

Pretty Ogre

 

Its late. I am with this nice guy and we are having fun.
Lots of dancing, kissing, petting...its so nice.
We are enjoying each others company. Even making others around us jealous.
We go home. To his place. Its easier, I figure.
I tell him a little about why I rarely have sex. He is not convinced.
We pet some more. He gets his conviction. His 'friend' dies down.
This is way too complicated for him, he says. He isn't ready any more.
Yet wanted me so bad. He just can't do this.
I pull up my panties. Turn to the other side. Tears in my eyes.
Wishing I was the jealous girl dancing alone.
She would've just done it, easy peezy.
But no, not me.
I gotta keep explaining. Explain why its complicated.
Why I'm messed up...messed up down there.
Why I just cant 'do it that way'.
I know I'm pretty.
But I turn into an ogre when I drop my panties.


It happened again. I met another.
He saw me from across the bar counter. His eyes gleaming.
I could see them drooling over me. Looking at me like I was prey.
I thought he was cute; a little older though.
He came to me. Asked me if I could dance with him.
I agreed. How could I say no to those eyes?
We danced. I liked it. He liked it. Our eyes locking into deep sensation.
Dancing to the tunes of Rihanna. "Man down..."
We left the club. Got into his car. Started making out.
Mmmh.. I moaned. Good kisser. "Less teeth..." I advised him.
Kissed some more. Groped. I went down. I liked it. Tasted good.
He reached for my crotch. I panicked. I jumped. "No, don't go there.."
"Why, what's wrong baby?" He asked. I didn't answer. Turned away.
"Let me love you..." He reached for it again. "Stop. I need to leave"
I wanted him. He wanted me. So bad.
I wouldn't do it. It ain't easy peezy.
I gotta keep explaining. Explain why its complicated.
Why I'm messed up...messed up down there.
I know I'm pretty.
But I turn into an orge when I drop my panties.

Of Tucking and Peeing

Tucking

You all know by now that girls like us who are yet to 'fix' things 'down there' have to deal with awkward situations regarding tucking. Its one of our really disturbing issues we have to deal with on a daily basis.

I've complained before about having an awkward walk from the bus stage to my place of work, in a skirt, and with 'that thing down there' trying to make life difficult for me. Yet again, I deal with it today. *sigh* Just reminds me how badly I really need to do my surgery!

Peeing

I actually prefer peeing standing up! Yeah, I know... not so lady-like! But... I guess I am 'enjoying' this 'priviledge' while I can... surgery's coming up soon!!

XOXO

Lind

Its My Life

Hey guys,

Hope you are all doing well.

I know it’s been a while, a long while, since I posted anything.

Well, it’s just that there's not been much happening to post about.

But this time around, I have a few things I want to get off my chest.

First of all, let me just update y’all on a few things.

I started applying for my new I.D. back in March but its not been forthcoming. They’ve been taking me round and round in circles and now I’m tired. I’m still following up on it.

The hormones are going on well, though I’m still kinda bummed that by boobs aren't growing bigger L

Anyway, the reason for my post today is BOYS.

Yeah, I've written about boys quite a number of times I know… but its always an issue.

First of all let me just say that for trans women, the ultimate goal is to look/feel/be a woman completely and especially to the public eye. Putting it simply, it is a goal of us to look so ourselves that no one can notice anything ‘off’. However, not all of us are lucky enough to get to that point.

I myself am lucky that I do. And with this comes some ‘shortfalls’. I'm talking about being hit on. Yes, not the first time I'm talking about this eh?

So what do I do when I get hit on? What happens when I've found a really nice guy who likes me, thinks I'm hot and everything and even takes me to his room and kisses me. What do I do when he wants to put his leg between mine? What do I tell him when I refuse? What does he think?

Well, that incident happened. And I just had to tell him. I sent him this note:

Hey,

I thought I should just tell you what's bothering me and why I was so uneasy with you.

I am a trans woman. I was born with male genitalia and raised as a boy. But I've always been a girl. I've been living as a girl since 2009. I've had surgery to remove the testes and I've been on female hormones for over 2 years.

Being trans is not like being a homosexual. I have gender dysphoria. It means when I was developing in my mothers womb, my brain developed female but my body developed (mostly) male. Its a genetic/mental condition. I am happy now that I live my life the way I have always wanted.

I had a rough childhood and early adulthood. I am glad I was able to 'fix' things.

I haven't yet had the sex affirming surgery - to give me a vagina. So I still have that thing down there. That's why I was so uncomfortable with spreading my legs.

I don't know how this is going to make you feel or how you are going to take me after this. If you feel offended that I didn't tell you upfront, I am really sorry. Very sorry. Its not easy telling people these things. You never know what may happen.

Hope you understand.

Take care.

 

That was my email to him. He took it well; though I'm not sure exactly how he feels about it.

See, men, your typical straight ones, like pretty ladies with vajayjays. Not with other stuff dangling there. It’s not attractive.

It’s such a downer for us trans girls. A friend of mine is going through the same thing. She had to reveal to this guy she was seeing that she was trans and now he is having a hard time taking it in.

Both of us felt that it would be lovely to just have the gender affirming surgery as soon as possible: just to avoid such scenarios. But the surgery is so expensive it is way out of reach for many of us. One needs like $10,000 to $20,000 for it! Where on earth would one get such amounts!? *sigh*

Oh well. This is our life. We are different. We deal with it.

 

XOXO lovelies!

No Drag Queen Here

I'm not a drag queen. I think people here already know that. I'm not hating on drag queens either.

I just thought to mention a few differences though; just so people don't confuse us trans women with drag queens.

RuPaul - Famous drag queen

• Drag queens like to dress up and "look fabulous" "hot" or something of the sort. We are actually trying to live our lives as who we are; its not something we "dress up" for.
• Drag queens are all about acting feminine and looking the part. We struggle to be seen as our true selves. We don't even want to be overly feminine but we sometimes think the more feminine we are the more accepted we are. Acting is the last thing on our minds.

Of course there is much more info out there about why drag queens are not trans women and the like.

XOXO


Lind

Interview: “Man, I Feel Like a Woman”

I did another interview with UP Nairobi - Nairobi's Urban Perspective. Check it out.

“Man, I Feel Like a Woman”

Who knew putting on a line of lipstick and confidently walking down the street could be an act of liberation? Or that slipping on a pair of kitten heels or feeling the soft fabric of a simple frock on your skin, could be a slice of heaven? This month, Wanjeri Gakuru talks to a transgender on why she is hell-bent on having the world see her as a woman—the person she really is.

Lindsay*, is a striking, cocoa-skinned lady in her midtwenties. She comes across as a bubbly, fun-loving, typical Nairobi girl. But there’s nothing typical about  Lindsay. “I began my transition in late 2009. So far, I’ve been on hormone replacement therapy (HRT) and undergone a bilateral orchidectomy (removal of testes) to eliminate production of testosterone,” says the confident finance assistant at a local NGO.

You see, Lindsay is a transwoman (a male-to-female transsexual or transgender person). In the past three years, she has continued to make greater strides towards womanhood, going so far as changing the name on her identification cards. “The next step is definitely the main surgery, that is, the gende raffirming surgery. I’m not sure when that will happen. It costs quite a tidy amount so I have to keep saving,” Lindsay says. In keeping with this month’s theme on women, we sought Lindsay’s take on the gift of womanhood.

When were you first aware of your feminine feelings?

I usually say that I knew there was something amiss from when I was as young as six or seven years old. But I knew clearly what “it” was called when I discovered the Internet in 2000.

How did your family and friends take it?

I told my mom and aunties about seven years ago. My mom took it well. She assured me that we would go through this together. My aunties didn’t all take it well at the beginning and, in fact, one of them was really against all of it. When I finally began living as my true self, she slowly came to terms with reality and nowadays is more at ease.

As for my friends, well, I had to tell them eventually, but most of them came to learn of it when an interview about me was published in 2010. It was anonymous, but most of my former schoolmates somehow put two and two together.

Has their reaction, good or bad, changed over the years?

At first, most of my schoolmates had very hateful words to say. I remember one of them taking my picture from my Facebook profile and posting it on to his wall, and then tagging most of the schoolmates we had in common. But somewhere along the lines, some good comments started popping up.

A few months later, I met this particular schoolmate and he told me he was sorry for what he did, and he only did it because it was new to him and it took him by surprise. And that was [just] the first reaction that came to him at the time.

What gave you the courage to take the first step towards becoming a woman?

I always tell people that we don’t “become” women (or men in  the case of transmen), but  hey are the gender they are, only that the outside shows something different. I just felt that I couldn’t continue living a lie anymore, and I was done with it. Life as a male was miserable and I couldn’t consider a fruitful life.

Why is it important for the world to see you as a woman?

Because I am. I am myself and that’s what I want the world to see, to see me. The real me. When I lived as male, I put on a “mask” every morning. I told myself, “Time to be a man, time to man up”  every morning. It wasn’t easy, despite having acting capabilities. I still failed severely, often revealing my hidden identity and creating confusion in those around me. I hated it. That’s why it is important for me to be me.

As you stand now, nearly at the end of your transition, how has your understanding of femininity evolved?

Initially, femininity to me was very laden with patriarchal ways of thinking: Women had certain roles and responsibilities in society, and men had the same. But now that I am myself, I am able to define what femininity means to me. It doesn’t mean that to be feminine I have to wear dresses, or put on make up, or be naive or anything. Heck, I don’t need to prove my femininity to anyone. Femininity is a whole lot of things, but it is mostly understanding yourself as you are and embracing it fully as a woman, or just as feminine.

Do you ever worry that people can notice that you are transgender?

Yes, all the time! It is a constant mental battle I have daily, telling myself that I am okay, that even if they know, so what? But I worry about it all the time, despite being told constantly that people can’t notice at all.

What’s the best thing about being a woman?

Ha ha ha! I’m not sure how to answer that, but I can tell you that the best thing about being myself is that I can actually be myself! It is a thrilling feeling I have every day, being able to walk out of the house and people treat me as a woman and not a man, as I used to be treated. That’s a feeling I doubt I will ever get used to.

Are you dating? How’s that experience been for you?

Yes, I am. In the beginning it was difficult. I used to have boyfriends even before I began transitioning, but it never felt right. I’ve never identified as gay, and so the thought that someone would see me as such wasn’t something I liked. I was so scared that I ruined several relationships by saying things I didn’t mean to the people I was in a relationship with. Two good relationships were broken like that. But I met someone special, and he’s been good to me ever since. It was difficult at first, seeing that he was straight and I was still living as male. But we took it real slow and we are still going strong. One of the things I find interesting nowadays is that when I go out and meet guys and they happen to learn about my history, most of them are accepting and say, “I still like you the way you are.”

Who do you see when you look into a mirror?

I see me. The me I always wanted to see all those years. The me I deserve to be.

*Not her real name.

Hope you liked it. I did!

XOXO

Lindsay.