HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Wow! Happy new year y'all! New year, new look! It took me about an hour and a half to choose this new look and here we are now! Yippee!

Its been a whole year and yeah its been great. Major ups and downs, and minor one too. So I wanna thank you all for the support you have given me all through the last year and I indeed look forward to a better time this 2010!

Like always, I have so many stuff going on in my head and several debates rage on about what to type and what not to! Ha ha! Still, I have to write, or at least, I want to write. Gives me joy and mostly peace. I do this, as it says on my “About Me”, to try and give my fellow Kenyans and the rest of the world a view of the life of a Kenyan Transgender. My life. I am glad that some of my relatives read my blog. Maybe the ones who don't understand what is going on with me or better put, what the hell I am doing, will someday understand and maybe, just maybe, accept or at the very least, tolerate more.

I have many hopes for the new year. I am, as you all know, continuing with my transition and it really takes a toll on you. So without a doubt, most of my focus will be on this. For one, I am looking forward to getting my prescription for estrogen since I have never began those. I am also looking forward to having my small surgery hopefully next week. I don't want to waste any time because the more I wait the more the testosterone in my body continues to work against me. It is unfortunate that this “work in progress” costs so much but then again, people have problems. Most of them cost money do solve don't they?

I apologize to all for what I am about to mention. I just felt its something people wonder and I wanna give my part of it. Since I am a girl, the thought of having 'something' sticking out of you instead of having a 'hole' is very disturbing; and thats just me using pretty words! I usually don't use the word “hate”, mainly because I am thankful for everything, but to be honest to everything and most importantly to myself, I just don't like that “thing”. I'm sure everyone whose read a thing or two about transsexualism and what it means to be a transsexual, know that virtually all of them wish to undergo sexual reassignment surgery. Like me and my FTM (Female to Male) friend, we don't like what we see when we look at ourselves and in simple terms, we wish desperately that we could swap and be happy. Echoing the words of my aunt, many wonder why someone who has very well developed 'organs' would want to 'destroy' them in any way. I always say that I also wish it wasn't like so, that I wasn't going through what I'm going through now, that somehow, it would have been solved in a different way. But the reality is that this is my life, this is whats happening and this is who I am. Just like no baby wishes to be born, no person asks for the tribulations they go through. Yes, some do, but I'm talking about issues such as what I have. I however, now more than ever, are a happier, joyous, peaceful person than I was before and I now do not have as much thoughts and worries as I had before. Life has much more meaning now, even though I know the many trials and tribulations that I will have to undergo because of my status. The many dreams that I have will be much easier achieved now but will be harder to begin. This is because of the environment that I live in here in Kenya. Until people know that we exist and that there is nothing wrong with being different, we will always have troubles and struggles to go through.

My Christmas was good. It wasn't much because I didn't spend it with family as I would have wanted to but still, it was lovely. There really isn't much to write about on that period.

My New Year however was really great. I got the chance to go out again (I say that because I really don't go out that much) and I absolutely enjoyed it. Some would say it wasn't much because I left the club at around 2pm but for me that was a milestone. I ushered in the new year in style and I wasn't alone. Some guy (who happened to be straight!) I met there made it worthwhile. I had my nice high heel shoes and my favorite skirt on and a bare-back top! Thats a look that you'll rarely see me in! Oh and by the way, girls in Nairobi will only wear a skirt if its tight and if it was way above the knee, especially when going out! Mine was neither nor! Ha ha!

In essence, I had a great time this holiday, considering the fact that I was at home, a break away from work, and most of my days were spent in the house relaxing. I also had time to spend with my guy here and there. Unfortunately, his line of work meant that he was busier than ever during the season and now that it has ended, our tables are turned. My work begins while his dies down. Either way, I am glad and thankful.

I could say more, but let me save that for future posts.

**Hugs!**

KEEP YOUR HEAD UP!!!

Its approximately one month since I started Transitioning and my new job. I have lots of stuff to be thankful for. First of all, its been a month and I am coping well. I am learning to ignore the stares and to keep my head up. I am learning to be myself and not to worry too much. Somehow, the first few weeks were stressful. I kept shivering whenever I had to walk in town and probably interact with people. Somehow, slowly all this fear is shedding off slowly. I am learning to tell myself that we are all unique, weird and self conscious. We fear what we don't understand, most people do actually, and thus, let go of the fear as you embrace understanding.
My hair is growing slowly, I am planning to make it look better, somewhat weirder! But thats me. I want to see how I look and I pretty much don't care what people think about it.
I still am slightly worried about where I live since I haven't moved out of the place and so most people there knew me or have seen me before in say suits and ties! So I think its quite weird for them. (see, I don't want to be just about me me me, but also those around me.).
Work is going on well, we just finished a huge project that involved meeting people from the LGBTI community in East and South Africa together with their Donors. It was a real learning experience and I got to meet other transgender persons, most of them being FTM's. It was very informative and I wouldn't have missed it for the world.
I went out for a Bash, basically involving the Q-Community!! It was a blast! I strutted out in my best outfit (The only one I had! Lol!) and made sure I had the most fun ever. It was my first time out in the public in such 'body-hugging' clothes and I looked hot! (and that's not my comments!). It was also the first time out in public wearing high heels(very high indeed) and make-up! My feet still hurt! Lol! Ultimately, enjoyed myself. One incident that happened was that, since it was full of the queer group and most Kenyans don't know well that Trans girls exist, most people at the party thought I was a Lesbian! (forgive me for tutting my own horn!!). Plus there was this guy who claimed to be bisexual who followed me all over and I couldn't help but think of the way regular girls would get thoroughly hit on by guys in clubs! I was one of them! Finally! That night, I felt things I had never felt before! Things that only existed in my head, my dreams, fantasies. I saw things happen to me, as I do them, that I only saw happening to other girls when I used to go out. I felt on top of the world. The Christian in me kept reminding me to be careful so I was, but I ensured that I enjoyed myself to the max!!!

Somehow, I just narrated my two weeks of existence since the last blog post and well, a lot of other stuff happened but that was, and must have been the most exhilarating week I had ever had!!

I cant wait for another opportunity like that one; but then again, its no longer in the closet! Its all out there. I didn't have a wig, I was myself, completely! Fine, there is still a lot of work to be done on me, but surely I must be thankful! I must give credit where it is due. This luscious body was created by God. And honestly, I AM THANKFUL!!!!!!!

Be Yourselves Y'all!!

Ciao. Mwah!