HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Wow! Happy new year y'all! New year, new look! It took me about an hour and a half to choose this new look and here we are now! Yippee!

Its been a whole year and yeah its been great. Major ups and downs, and minor one too. So I wanna thank you all for the support you have given me all through the last year and I indeed look forward to a better time this 2010!

Like always, I have so many stuff going on in my head and several debates rage on about what to type and what not to! Ha ha! Still, I have to write, or at least, I want to write. Gives me joy and mostly peace. I do this, as it says on my “About Me”, to try and give my fellow Kenyans and the rest of the world a view of the life of a Kenyan Transgender. My life. I am glad that some of my relatives read my blog. Maybe the ones who don't understand what is going on with me or better put, what the hell I am doing, will someday understand and maybe, just maybe, accept or at the very least, tolerate more.

I have many hopes for the new year. I am, as you all know, continuing with my transition and it really takes a toll on you. So without a doubt, most of my focus will be on this. For one, I am looking forward to getting my prescription for estrogen since I have never began those. I am also looking forward to having my small surgery hopefully next week. I don't want to waste any time because the more I wait the more the testosterone in my body continues to work against me. It is unfortunate that this “work in progress” costs so much but then again, people have problems. Most of them cost money do solve don't they?

I apologize to all for what I am about to mention. I just felt its something people wonder and I wanna give my part of it. Since I am a girl, the thought of having 'something' sticking out of you instead of having a 'hole' is very disturbing; and thats just me using pretty words! I usually don't use the word “hate”, mainly because I am thankful for everything, but to be honest to everything and most importantly to myself, I just don't like that “thing”. I'm sure everyone whose read a thing or two about transsexualism and what it means to be a transsexual, know that virtually all of them wish to undergo sexual reassignment surgery. Like me and my FTM (Female to Male) friend, we don't like what we see when we look at ourselves and in simple terms, we wish desperately that we could swap and be happy. Echoing the words of my aunt, many wonder why someone who has very well developed 'organs' would want to 'destroy' them in any way. I always say that I also wish it wasn't like so, that I wasn't going through what I'm going through now, that somehow, it would have been solved in a different way. But the reality is that this is my life, this is whats happening and this is who I am. Just like no baby wishes to be born, no person asks for the tribulations they go through. Yes, some do, but I'm talking about issues such as what I have. I however, now more than ever, are a happier, joyous, peaceful person than I was before and I now do not have as much thoughts and worries as I had before. Life has much more meaning now, even though I know the many trials and tribulations that I will have to undergo because of my status. The many dreams that I have will be much easier achieved now but will be harder to begin. This is because of the environment that I live in here in Kenya. Until people know that we exist and that there is nothing wrong with being different, we will always have troubles and struggles to go through.

My Christmas was good. It wasn't much because I didn't spend it with family as I would have wanted to but still, it was lovely. There really isn't much to write about on that period.

My New Year however was really great. I got the chance to go out again (I say that because I really don't go out that much) and I absolutely enjoyed it. Some would say it wasn't much because I left the club at around 2pm but for me that was a milestone. I ushered in the new year in style and I wasn't alone. Some guy (who happened to be straight!) I met there made it worthwhile. I had my nice high heel shoes and my favorite skirt on and a bare-back top! Thats a look that you'll rarely see me in! Oh and by the way, girls in Nairobi will only wear a skirt if its tight and if it was way above the knee, especially when going out! Mine was neither nor! Ha ha!

In essence, I had a great time this holiday, considering the fact that I was at home, a break away from work, and most of my days were spent in the house relaxing. I also had time to spend with my guy here and there. Unfortunately, his line of work meant that he was busier than ever during the season and now that it has ended, our tables are turned. My work begins while his dies down. Either way, I am glad and thankful.

I could say more, but let me save that for future posts.

**Hugs!**

YOUNG , LEARNING AND KEEPING STRONG

As the days go by, into my last three months of my job, I am now changing tact. Indeed the words of my superiors made me think a lot about where I am headed and what I should do with my life and with my many talents. It came out clearly that I am immensely resourceful and have lots of potential to do great things and go many places. This made me think about myself and what I am to do with me. I know all the things they said about me, but to be honest, this transition has made my confidence levels drop! I have to be honest with myself. Something else I was told was not to blame my laxity on my transition. This is also true. Somehow I have blamed even my lack of sociality on the fact that I am a transgender and in Kenya. Truth be told, life as a trans girl in Kenya ain't easy. I know Ive said this before. It sure ain't. But once you get over yourself and start living, it can get easier. (My boss' tha best!). She told me that I knew that life would become more complicated once I began my transition and its a decision I made knowing full well the consequences. In all honesty, I have asked myself these questions time and again: am I on the right path? Is it all worth it? Will I trip, fall and turn back? Which life is better? This one or the old one? Am I happier? Will I make it? These questions all get answered somehow in the next few minutes after asking myself. I ensure I end up with positive energy and that I feel fine. I am beautiful and I thank God for that. Definitely, walking around the streets of Nairobi make m nervous, I am less nervous now than before. I feel more confident because of my new hairstyle. It gives me the femme look that I always yearned for. I had small dreadlocks before but even those still made me a bit uncomfy. Either way, just being a tranny in Nairobi is hard work and very brave!

So the day I was alighting from a bus and just as I stood up to alight, I noticed something. My 'friend downstairs' was peeping out! Somehow it had slid out of where I had carefully tucked it away. To make matters worse, I was wearing a tight short skirt! OMG! I was so scared! It was a good thing that I was headed for work so I walked as fast as I could in my high heels trying as hard as I can to make sure its not visible! That experience was terrible. Its happened before but only when I'm wearing trousers or jeans (I wear these most of the times) and so its usually not much of a scare. But that day's incident really freaked me out!

I began wearing skirts immediately I got my new hairdo. It somehow gave me the confidence to strut out into Nairobi looking glamorous in a skirt; something I had never done and had been looking forward to for such a long time. This was my third time out in a skirt and it always gave me the jitters. Mostly it did because I'm usually uncomfortable with my slightly broad shoulders and smaller hips and wider waistline. I have to admit, I was blessed with a naturally curvy body so I've always wanted to flaunt that. But seeing how broad my shoulders were made me a little scared. So I always make sure I'm wearing a jacket or jumper on top. I am yet to get the courage to walk in Nairobi with a tight top and bottom on, showing all my curves without being scared.

Something else that I still am very conscious about is my neck. I have an AA. Of course I don't like it but its there. So when I'm out in public I'm usually wearing a scarf, no matter how hot it may be because I'm scared of people noticing my AA. Again, because of facial hair and years of constant and frequent shaving, my skin below the chin is very rough and shadowy. Its easy to tell that I have been shaving and I have those razor bumps and the dark shades below my neck. On the face I hide those with foundation but having an oily face only makes my face look plump and shiny; something I definitely don't want to see. I keep telling myself that I ain't the only girl in Nairobi let alone the whole of Kenya who has skin issues and I should just be okay with myself and try to be thankful for what I already have. I also keep reminding myself that there are plenty of girls out there that don't have a curvy body and still have wide-looking shoulders and that I should be thankful that I have one!

Either way, I am doing my best and I am thankful to God for giving me the strength to carry on. I know life will be difficult but I am able to make it through and make it big.

No matter the circumstances I will survive. I will make the best out of my life!