HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Wow! Happy new year y'all! New year, new look! It took me about an hour and a half to choose this new look and here we are now! Yippee!

Its been a whole year and yeah its been great. Major ups and downs, and minor one too. So I wanna thank you all for the support you have given me all through the last year and I indeed look forward to a better time this 2010!

Like always, I have so many stuff going on in my head and several debates rage on about what to type and what not to! Ha ha! Still, I have to write, or at least, I want to write. Gives me joy and mostly peace. I do this, as it says on my “About Me”, to try and give my fellow Kenyans and the rest of the world a view of the life of a Kenyan Transgender. My life. I am glad that some of my relatives read my blog. Maybe the ones who don't understand what is going on with me or better put, what the hell I am doing, will someday understand and maybe, just maybe, accept or at the very least, tolerate more.

I have many hopes for the new year. I am, as you all know, continuing with my transition and it really takes a toll on you. So without a doubt, most of my focus will be on this. For one, I am looking forward to getting my prescription for estrogen since I have never began those. I am also looking forward to having my small surgery hopefully next week. I don't want to waste any time because the more I wait the more the testosterone in my body continues to work against me. It is unfortunate that this “work in progress” costs so much but then again, people have problems. Most of them cost money do solve don't they?

I apologize to all for what I am about to mention. I just felt its something people wonder and I wanna give my part of it. Since I am a girl, the thought of having 'something' sticking out of you instead of having a 'hole' is very disturbing; and thats just me using pretty words! I usually don't use the word “hate”, mainly because I am thankful for everything, but to be honest to everything and most importantly to myself, I just don't like that “thing”. I'm sure everyone whose read a thing or two about transsexualism and what it means to be a transsexual, know that virtually all of them wish to undergo sexual reassignment surgery. Like me and my FTM (Female to Male) friend, we don't like what we see when we look at ourselves and in simple terms, we wish desperately that we could swap and be happy. Echoing the words of my aunt, many wonder why someone who has very well developed 'organs' would want to 'destroy' them in any way. I always say that I also wish it wasn't like so, that I wasn't going through what I'm going through now, that somehow, it would have been solved in a different way. But the reality is that this is my life, this is whats happening and this is who I am. Just like no baby wishes to be born, no person asks for the tribulations they go through. Yes, some do, but I'm talking about issues such as what I have. I however, now more than ever, are a happier, joyous, peaceful person than I was before and I now do not have as much thoughts and worries as I had before. Life has much more meaning now, even though I know the many trials and tribulations that I will have to undergo because of my status. The many dreams that I have will be much easier achieved now but will be harder to begin. This is because of the environment that I live in here in Kenya. Until people know that we exist and that there is nothing wrong with being different, we will always have troubles and struggles to go through.

My Christmas was good. It wasn't much because I didn't spend it with family as I would have wanted to but still, it was lovely. There really isn't much to write about on that period.

My New Year however was really great. I got the chance to go out again (I say that because I really don't go out that much) and I absolutely enjoyed it. Some would say it wasn't much because I left the club at around 2pm but for me that was a milestone. I ushered in the new year in style and I wasn't alone. Some guy (who happened to be straight!) I met there made it worthwhile. I had my nice high heel shoes and my favorite skirt on and a bare-back top! Thats a look that you'll rarely see me in! Oh and by the way, girls in Nairobi will only wear a skirt if its tight and if it was way above the knee, especially when going out! Mine was neither nor! Ha ha!

In essence, I had a great time this holiday, considering the fact that I was at home, a break away from work, and most of my days were spent in the house relaxing. I also had time to spend with my guy here and there. Unfortunately, his line of work meant that he was busier than ever during the season and now that it has ended, our tables are turned. My work begins while his dies down. Either way, I am glad and thankful.

I could say more, but let me save that for future posts.

**Hugs!**

SECURITY!!!

My neighborhood seems to have become unsafe. I now really need to move. Why? Well its like this.

I started my transition just over three months ago. I never moved from where I I lived. That means that my neighbors and people who live or work in my neighborhood have seen me before; when I lived as a guy. Fine, they don't know me, they don't know who I am, but surely they know that this person lives around here. I have lived there for over a year now. Granted, when I began my transition I knew that for me not to have any squabbles with neighbors I should have moved. But getting a house in Nairobi sure is a lot of work and I couldn't jeopardize my work in my new job. So I braved up and continued living. For the first month and a half I looked kinda like my old self. Very little had changed. I only had my ears pierced and thats it. I still had short relaxed hair, I still wore androgynously, but I had breast enhancers on. I was extremely scared every time I went out. I hadn't changed much but now I expected myself to be female and not male and try as much as possible to be convincing enough to everyone and anyone. Definitely this look led to my being confronted by that hotel guard I blogged about here.

The second month saw me change my hairstyle and put on dreadlocks. The ones made with black thread. Again, I was extremely bold in doing this and going out every single day in public and still trying to maintain my femininity amid increasingly confused stares coming my way. I could see the neighbors getting uneasy everytime I passed by. They also would mumble words to themselves whenever id pass by. This still gave me shivers but I braved on. Still not moving. I really love this house. Seeing that I was not confronted by anyone, I felt that it probably was 'kinda' safe to live here and I should continue with my life bravely and not care as to who's who. I got encouraged to continue by some of my friends and one of them told me that I should be ready to face my fears. Again, probably where I would move to could be far worse.

In the third month I again changed my hairstyle. This time I put on a very feminine hairstyle; braids! The braids I have on are very feminine. They are curly, long and black. They give me such a nice look and I really love them. So of course this was going to shake some more ground in my home surroundings. That same week, I put on a skirt for the very first time. I had been wearing jeans and trousers all along. The second week came and I put on a skirt again. Third week, the same. The following day after this third time my friend and neighbor alerted me of something he'd heard being discussed by some neighbors around. It was about this guy who lives around and has started wearing skirts and like a girl! That was me! This was the first time I had heard that I was being discussed. And he told me he had heard it before. Chills ran down my spine. I was petrified beyond comprehension. That night I didn't sleep well. Neither did my mother because immediately after my friend gave me the exposé, I told her about it.

So this means that I need to move. And I need to do this fast! Fine, I still haven't been confronted, but I do not want to continue provoking them in any kind of way because one of the things that my friend heard one guy say was that the guy would make advances to me so as to try and find out if I really am a girl or something. I am now looking for a house and will probably move by the end of the year or early next year. I hope to find a good house in a good neighborhood where people mind their own lives and there are no nosy neighbors!

Pray for me my dear friends. Pray that I get a good house that I can call home. Where I can live as myself without fear of being ostracized or anything!


**HUGZ**