Tribute to Our Beloved Kenyans

I decided to put this video here that depicts the unity we Kenyans want to see in our country. Its been three years since the PEV (Post Election Violence) and I just love this song for how it makes one think of Peace Love and Unity-the Kenyan Philosophy in the National Anthem and Loyalty Pledge.

Long Live Kenya!


Wakenya Pamoja by Kenyan Artistes United for Peace (right after PEV)

LIFE GOES ON...

When I sat down to write this post, I couldn't help but ask myself how come I haven't posted anything since last Monday. Its been a week. One thing that I remember telling myself during the week was that I really didn't have anything much to say. Last week was smooth and simple. Nothing much happened. But I will say one or two things that happened here and there.

My doctor had asked me to have an ultrasound to see if I have internal ovaries and I went and did it. Turns out I don't have any. Everything is intact, “just as a man's anatomy should be”, said the examiner. (I have paraphrased). Of course this wasn't something id want to hear. A had made a joke that if I was indeed with internal ovaries, he'd make me pregnant and marry me ASAP! That was funny. He's rationale was that it would be easy to convince people that I was indeed female with them than the way it is now. So too bad. At least I never put it into my head that the chance was high; I knew it wasn't possible. But I couldn't help but wonder how it would have been to have such. Could I have had babies at last? My! Its something I always dream about-having babies. Something I wonder whether I will be able to handle-motherhood. I tell my friends id want/wish to be able to get pregnant and experience the joys(and pains) of child-bearing; motherhood. But I am still young. Lets see what happens.

I had stopped taking anti-androgens since I was planning to have my Orchidectomy but I am now back on them. This is because I decided to post pone the surgery to a date that I would be comfortable with. January was too demanding both physically and financially. So in a few days I will also be starting my estrogen. I have booked an appointment with the doctor and I just simply cant wait for them :).

In general, life has been easy. At home there has been no qualms, I still haven't moved houses though I still think I should move (I think I'm just lazy!). Work is going on well. My relationship with A is fine; maybe even better than before since its growing more and more each day. My family is okay, I still wish I could join them for special occasions. Which reminds me, this past weekend I was invited to my two young cousins' birthday party and I simply couldn't attend. My older cousins invited me and kept asking me why I wasn't showing up but I reminded them that they are older and they know who I am now while the younger ones still have no clue. This also happened again last year when one of my relatives invited me for Christmas lunch and I couldn't go since her husband didn't know that I began a new leaf plus the same young kids also don't know. Which makes me wonder, how do I come out to these young ones? How do I explain to them what happened to me. How do I tell them that I really was a girl but I was dressing as a boy or some story like that. This is such a dilemma for me because it leaves me very little to chose from. Of course when I started my transition I knew that one of the repercussions of doing this was that id lose some of my family and relatives. Simply because they'd find it hard to accept the new me or just to lose the 'boy' they had once known.

This post, like the last one, may sound boring but on a lighter note, I did do something nice last Sunday. I went out!and one thing happened that I never expected. I was hit on by a chic... and i liked it! Kinda reminded me of that song by Katey Perry-I kissed a girl and I liked It. It was a gay party on a Sunday and turn out was really low. My spontaneity got the best of me and so I put on my stilettos and went there to celebrate with my queer friends. She was a butch lesbian and she liked me. She saw me in the ladies room area and told me how hot I was. Then later at the bar counter she came to me with her butch lesbian friend and told me “you're really hot. are you gay?” i reply, “well, i date men, but you never know about women!” Haha! I was laughing inside. It was really nice! Mama mia! gosh the stilettos hurt my feet! I told myself I'm wasn't going to wear any high shoes again that week!

**Great week Y'all!!!**

MONDAY MUSINGS

I lack words to say. I lack things to write about. Why? Most of them are very personal. Would I want to put them here? Oh yes, why definitely! Then why am I not putting it here? Well, because they are personal! Didn't you just say you would? Yes I did. And I cant put them here because they are personal. Yes, I said that twice. And yes, I know its conflicting. I want to say things to the world through this blog but I also want to keep part of me private. Most of my close friends and family know this is my blog and sometimes I may mention something that might be related to them in one way or another and they feel offended. I refused to name any names for security reasons but sometimes I wonder whether I am as anonymous as I wanted to be.

This post is a rant and rave of sorts. My mind just going wild. Its a Monday and I cant help think about all the stuff I have to do. This year is as busy as it can ever be. My job is closely coming to an end(it was for a period) and I need a strategy. That strategy is a work in progress.

Life on the other hand is not bad. Is it really great? Well I cant say that for now. Why? Because there are times it feels that way and there are times you wish it was better; easier even. Everyday I wonder whether I'm passing enough. Whether I will bump into someone I know from facebook, whether I will bump into someone I knew from work. Whether someone will notice that I'm not a genuine girl (or GG if you like). Sometimes I go through the streets of Nairobi and I haven't the slightest care in the world about who's looking at me or who's staring or something of the sort. Truthfully, most of the times I am slightly self conscious. Granted this has reduced significantly and especially when I got my new hairstyle but its still there. Its something I fight off everyday. I have to brace myself up every morning to be able to go through the day with ease. At work I am comfortable. More relaxed. People know me and they'd seen me from the beginning. Some colleagues still get the pronouns wrong but its easier nowadays.

I look at pictures of me when I began transitioning and I cant help but be astonished. The pictures I see are of a boy. I look in the mirror to find traces of him and, for me, I see them. Loud and clear. For most, especially those who had never met me before, cannot believe that its the same person. I almost shed a tear every time I see the pictures. Partly because I am sad about my past life. My lie of a life. My stage act. It was all acting for me. A play in the real world. One that was cruel on the inside but seemed hunky dory on the outside. I'm thinking some of my relatives who may stumble upon this post may wonder what I mean when I say it was a lie. Well for me it looked like one. Id put on a face every morning and remove it in the comfort of my home and where people knew the real me. Does that mean then that I've changed? no. not really. I have just improved. And a lot at that too.

The other reason I feel like shedding a tear is because I still see how much work is in progress. That its not a toss of a coin. A one day stint. Like a wave of a wand and Voila! Its all gone. Its a process. A journey. It will take me a while. But I have began. And I cant wait for the future. Its bright and its wonderful. Something I've always looked forward to.

Kenya needs lots of work. There are so many things we need to do, the transgender community in Kenya. We fight a slightly different battle from our LGB counterparts. While they seek recognition and acceptance, we seek for not only that but also medical and legal policies to enable us be and become who we are. There are no guidelines for the treatment of transsexuals, nor are there any for treating intersex individuals. People have no idea what it means to be transgendered. They often misunderstood us for gay men. Even when it comes to the fight against HIV/AIDS, we are most of the time referred to as MSM. They don't know at all. Thats why its up to us to educate them. My fellow trans activists are doing this and even thought the pace is slow, we are headed somewhere.

I sure hope that in the course of time, I shall be telling you all about how I finally got the prescription for estrogens and how excited I am about them. I cant wait!
May you all have a fruitful week ahead!

**Hugs**

REPERCUSSIONS

When I began my transition about 5 months ago, (wow! Its already been five months!!) I knew what I was getting into. And just to be safe and prepared, I braced myself for the worst. I knew that with my mom being on my side, things would be easier but I still had to put it in my head that things won't be easy as pie. I had many fears about many aspects of my would-be new life. For instance, I knew I'd be forced to move from my house since it would look funny to neighbors seeing this androgynously looking person passing by. I love my house and I didn't wanna move. So I stayed on and braved it up; thinking I will move soon. Now, things are different. Ive never been confronted or anything but I still feel funny each time I leave my house or alight the bus to go to my house. I remember telling myself that I should move and that it wasn't wise, but each time I thought of house hunting I felt bad. House hunting in Nairobi can be a horrible nightmare. I didn't want to go through it. But definitely every time I am out and in the neighborhood I get that funny feeling. I hear people commenting behind my back but I ignore it. Like today, I was in heels and I was passing by one of the garages when after passing I heard one guy ask the other 'is that a woman or a man?'. I never look back. I often get a slight shiver when I hear such comments only seconds after ive passed by but I always just try to ignore them. As of this moment, I am still there. Five months down the line. I keep telling myself “surely they must have gotten used to me?”. I know that may sound foolish, but to be honest, I want to move, not because of the surroundings but to a better house.

It pains me a lot knowing that my aunt, who I considered a very good mentor and role model, was not as open minded as I thought. She is the one I blogged about here. I think she didn't like the fact that I even put her word here. But I said to myself, if people don't see what we go through, how else are they gonna know why we do what we do? Even when reading articles like this one, its so true that its hard for people to fully understand what we go through if they are not going through it themselves. Its even harder, very hard, for those who still have a challenge in accepting your newly revealed existing reality. I love my aunt. The other day I tried to call her and when she picked up the phone I said “its your new niece” and she answered (rather flatly)”i don't have a new niece”. It hurt me. It hurt me real bad. I don't know if she feels bad me writing about her in my blog, (she knows I blog) but I just have to share this so people get to see the real picture. Transition isn't a bed of roses. For my elder relatives, they insist that I have a demon and I need exorcism. They even asked one of my cousins to take me to a revered pastor known for casting out demons on tv. It pains me, but I understand them. It took me a real while to come to terms with this and it wasn't before years of prayer and fasting.

Yes. I did pray and fast about this and I did it for years. I don't know if even my mother knows about this but its true. During my late years in primary school, right after I got saved/born again, I prayed feverently for God to choose a clear path for me. I asked Him several times to tell me which side I belong to. Most of my prayers were instigated by the fact that I was constantly teased for being different. A girly-boy. A sissy as the Americans say. 'Kasupuu' was my nick name back then. It means 'sweet one' in sheng, a kind of slang in Kenya. Even then, I still had admirers. Boys who would take any chance they got to fondle me. Not my pps, but any other place. Even then I still flirted a lot with the ones I liked. And played games with girls mostly and not boys. Only when I was older and saved did I try to change. I tried playing football, didn't work. I tried sagging, failed miserably. I ensured I was around 'macho boys' to see if some of it could rub off on me, they called me even more names. Eventually, coupled with the fact that I was being raped by another boy in my dorm, I got ulcers and sunk into deep stress. Doctors could not fathom the idea of a 12 year old boy being stressed! And of course I couldn't possibly tell them of my 'split personality'.

As the years went by I tried to come to terms with it. Puberty hit and voices started to break. It was devastating. I remember telling my mom I had started growing hips and she didn't get it. I was hinting to her what I had known about me. She still didn't get it. Then I told her of my crush in high school(i schooled in an all boys school). She down played it saying that the crush was due to the fact that I never had a father around. I reminded her that I had been in boarding school almost all through my young life but she would hear non of it. I went ahead to find out what was wrong with me. Still I was praying, now even fasting. It still weighed heavily on me. I blamed my drop in grades to it (in primary I was very good-top 5). Then that last year of form four a story came out that I was having relationships with boys in school. They were true but they were blown out of proportion. It was a harrowing 9 months of schooling. But I made it through. I thank God for that and even for now. I thank Him for the protection He has been giving me and continues to freely give me up to now.

I miss my old life; about 20% of it. Now, life is so much easier. Granted its a bit harder, seeing that I have to 'pass' as a girl and not cause a stir when I'm out in public but yet still, its better than before. I look forward to better things to come. I am almost beginning my estrogens and my Orchiectomy is also in the offing. I am kinda scared but excited at the same time. One, because its a scary thing to do surgery. Two, because I shall finally be rid of all male hormones! Three, because I shall begin feminizing my body. These make me happy. As you all know, transsexuals don't feel okay with the way their bodies developed (I don't like saying they hate their bodies because for me, I love my body-it only needs a bit of work!) and therefore anything that alters their bodies for good is a mighty leap into happiness and contentment. If you are one of those people who still have their reservations about someone changing their bodies or stuff like that, think of it this way. This is a person who knows for sure, without a doubt, that they will not function properly as human beings the way they are. Since it is known for a fact that other methods have failed, and that the only successful one is transition(same link), then you try and put yourself in my shoes. Most people will tell you “if it were me, I would continue living and deal with it. I would let God handle it”. Fine, I agree, but I, being one to question, will ask the simple question. “What next?”. I never said I wouldn't do it, I'm just saying that I would continue being tormented inside. Again, I consider myself straight. The idea of being gay just wouldn't swallow properly. God has shown me that I can live a full life and still be His child. Granted, my views on Christianity is that most of it its full of fundamentalism that tends to forget God!

I never intended for this post to be long so I hope I am forgiven. Taking it easy will be something I will have to embrace.

Love U all!

NEW LOOK?

Hi Peeps!

Just a small note to ask you all what you think of my blog's new look. As I said in the previous post, I took some time to go through it and I just wanted a simple look, loaded with my favourite colors, and those believed to be trans (thus the much emphasis on 'purple')

I'm just curious. What do you think of the colors? What about the layout? Are the fonts big enough? e.t.c.

Thanks my friends.

**Vivre Et Laisser Vivre**

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Wow! Happy new year y'all! New year, new look! It took me about an hour and a half to choose this new look and here we are now! Yippee!

Its been a whole year and yeah its been great. Major ups and downs, and minor one too. So I wanna thank you all for the support you have given me all through the last year and I indeed look forward to a better time this 2010!

Like always, I have so many stuff going on in my head and several debates rage on about what to type and what not to! Ha ha! Still, I have to write, or at least, I want to write. Gives me joy and mostly peace. I do this, as it says on my “About Me”, to try and give my fellow Kenyans and the rest of the world a view of the life of a Kenyan Transgender. My life. I am glad that some of my relatives read my blog. Maybe the ones who don't understand what is going on with me or better put, what the hell I am doing, will someday understand and maybe, just maybe, accept or at the very least, tolerate more.

I have many hopes for the new year. I am, as you all know, continuing with my transition and it really takes a toll on you. So without a doubt, most of my focus will be on this. For one, I am looking forward to getting my prescription for estrogen since I have never began those. I am also looking forward to having my small surgery hopefully next week. I don't want to waste any time because the more I wait the more the testosterone in my body continues to work against me. It is unfortunate that this “work in progress” costs so much but then again, people have problems. Most of them cost money do solve don't they?

I apologize to all for what I am about to mention. I just felt its something people wonder and I wanna give my part of it. Since I am a girl, the thought of having 'something' sticking out of you instead of having a 'hole' is very disturbing; and thats just me using pretty words! I usually don't use the word “hate”, mainly because I am thankful for everything, but to be honest to everything and most importantly to myself, I just don't like that “thing”. I'm sure everyone whose read a thing or two about transsexualism and what it means to be a transsexual, know that virtually all of them wish to undergo sexual reassignment surgery. Like me and my FTM (Female to Male) friend, we don't like what we see when we look at ourselves and in simple terms, we wish desperately that we could swap and be happy. Echoing the words of my aunt, many wonder why someone who has very well developed 'organs' would want to 'destroy' them in any way. I always say that I also wish it wasn't like so, that I wasn't going through what I'm going through now, that somehow, it would have been solved in a different way. But the reality is that this is my life, this is whats happening and this is who I am. Just like no baby wishes to be born, no person asks for the tribulations they go through. Yes, some do, but I'm talking about issues such as what I have. I however, now more than ever, are a happier, joyous, peaceful person than I was before and I now do not have as much thoughts and worries as I had before. Life has much more meaning now, even though I know the many trials and tribulations that I will have to undergo because of my status. The many dreams that I have will be much easier achieved now but will be harder to begin. This is because of the environment that I live in here in Kenya. Until people know that we exist and that there is nothing wrong with being different, we will always have troubles and struggles to go through.

My Christmas was good. It wasn't much because I didn't spend it with family as I would have wanted to but still, it was lovely. There really isn't much to write about on that period.

My New Year however was really great. I got the chance to go out again (I say that because I really don't go out that much) and I absolutely enjoyed it. Some would say it wasn't much because I left the club at around 2pm but for me that was a milestone. I ushered in the new year in style and I wasn't alone. Some guy (who happened to be straight!) I met there made it worthwhile. I had my nice high heel shoes and my favorite skirt on and a bare-back top! Thats a look that you'll rarely see me in! Oh and by the way, girls in Nairobi will only wear a skirt if its tight and if it was way above the knee, especially when going out! Mine was neither nor! Ha ha!

In essence, I had a great time this holiday, considering the fact that I was at home, a break away from work, and most of my days were spent in the house relaxing. I also had time to spend with my guy here and there. Unfortunately, his line of work meant that he was busier than ever during the season and now that it has ended, our tables are turned. My work begins while his dies down. Either way, I am glad and thankful.

I could say more, but let me save that for future posts.

**Hugs!**

SECURITY!!!

My neighborhood seems to have become unsafe. I now really need to move. Why? Well its like this.

I started my transition just over three months ago. I never moved from where I I lived. That means that my neighbors and people who live or work in my neighborhood have seen me before; when I lived as a guy. Fine, they don't know me, they don't know who I am, but surely they know that this person lives around here. I have lived there for over a year now. Granted, when I began my transition I knew that for me not to have any squabbles with neighbors I should have moved. But getting a house in Nairobi sure is a lot of work and I couldn't jeopardize my work in my new job. So I braved up and continued living. For the first month and a half I looked kinda like my old self. Very little had changed. I only had my ears pierced and thats it. I still had short relaxed hair, I still wore androgynously, but I had breast enhancers on. I was extremely scared every time I went out. I hadn't changed much but now I expected myself to be female and not male and try as much as possible to be convincing enough to everyone and anyone. Definitely this look led to my being confronted by that hotel guard I blogged about here.

The second month saw me change my hairstyle and put on dreadlocks. The ones made with black thread. Again, I was extremely bold in doing this and going out every single day in public and still trying to maintain my femininity amid increasingly confused stares coming my way. I could see the neighbors getting uneasy everytime I passed by. They also would mumble words to themselves whenever id pass by. This still gave me shivers but I braved on. Still not moving. I really love this house. Seeing that I was not confronted by anyone, I felt that it probably was 'kinda' safe to live here and I should continue with my life bravely and not care as to who's who. I got encouraged to continue by some of my friends and one of them told me that I should be ready to face my fears. Again, probably where I would move to could be far worse.

In the third month I again changed my hairstyle. This time I put on a very feminine hairstyle; braids! The braids I have on are very feminine. They are curly, long and black. They give me such a nice look and I really love them. So of course this was going to shake some more ground in my home surroundings. That same week, I put on a skirt for the very first time. I had been wearing jeans and trousers all along. The second week came and I put on a skirt again. Third week, the same. The following day after this third time my friend and neighbor alerted me of something he'd heard being discussed by some neighbors around. It was about this guy who lives around and has started wearing skirts and like a girl! That was me! This was the first time I had heard that I was being discussed. And he told me he had heard it before. Chills ran down my spine. I was petrified beyond comprehension. That night I didn't sleep well. Neither did my mother because immediately after my friend gave me the exposé, I told her about it.

So this means that I need to move. And I need to do this fast! Fine, I still haven't been confronted, but I do not want to continue provoking them in any kind of way because one of the things that my friend heard one guy say was that the guy would make advances to me so as to try and find out if I really am a girl or something. I am now looking for a house and will probably move by the end of the year or early next year. I hope to find a good house in a good neighborhood where people mind their own lives and there are no nosy neighbors!

Pray for me my dear friends. Pray that I get a good house that I can call home. Where I can live as myself without fear of being ostracized or anything!


**HUGZ**

TRANSGENDER BASICS

I recently got a comment from a frequent reader who told me that he would want to know more about Transgender, Transsexuals, Transvestite, Gender Queer-all those terms that may be confusing. So here goes.

Transgender
This is an umbrella term for:

1. Transsexuals
2. Transvestites
3. Cross dressers
4. Gender Queers
5. Gender Benders, Gender Non-conforming

The main problem with most of humanity is that culture has taught us that there are only two traditional gender models; also known as binary roles.

1. Sex (body has) Male (penis) Female (vagina)
2. Gender Role (behaves stereotypically) Masculine Feminine
3. Gender Identity (identify as) Man Woman
4. Sexual Orientation (gets attracted to) Woman Man

Definitely, a huge number of people do not fit into these models. We must recognize gender complexities; that its vast, explosive and non-rigid.
Before talking about transgender, we need to begin by breaking down 'gender'. Its the critical piece in the word. I will use the above to break down.

1. Sex – Its the physical, biological or anatomical sexual markers. Strongly related to genitalia.
2. Gender Role – Its the social understanding of how we are in a gendered sense in the world. Its the public, social and perceived expectations of gendered acts or expressions. Something we do or something other people see in us.
3. Gender Identity – Simply the self conception/perception of one's gender.

So back to the terms.

1. Transgender – A person who doesn't conform or identify with the gender expectations associated with the sex they were assigned at birth.
2. Transsexual - A transgender person who has changed or is in the process of changing their physical sex/characteristics by undergoing medical/hormonal treatment such as hormone replacement therapy (HRT) and/or sex reassignment surgery (SRS).
3. Transvestite – A person who sometimes wears clothes traditionally worn by and associated with the opposite sex. Confused sometimes for Drag Queens/Kings.
4. Gender queer, gender non-conforming – A person who does not identify as a man or a woman. (Eg. There was this person on a documentary who was born female but felt that they identified more as a gay man)

Others:
Trans Man or transgender man – a person who was assigned female at birth but who lives and/or identifies as a man.
Trans Woman or transgender woman – a person who was assigned male at birth but who lives and/or identifies as a woman.

Stereotypically, most transgender people consider themselves as straight. That means, if its a trans man, then he is attracted to women and considers himself as a straight man. If its a trans woman, then she is attracted to men and considers herself as a straight woman.
Most of the time, transgender people are confused for being either gay men who dress as women full time or lesbians who dress as men full time. This is not so as gender identity ans sexual orientation are two very different things. In a nutshell, trans people can be gay, straight, bisexual, asexual, pansexual...you name it. It begins with them describing themselves as whatever gender they feel best then goes to identifying what sexual orientation they fit in.
Almost all transgendered people 'suffer' from gender identity disorder (GID) or gender dysphoria. This is a psychological 'disease' that describes what these people go through. Some people in the world are beginning to push for transgender people not to be categorized as 'psychologically challenged' persons. Others, especially in places where the Transgender movement is still very young, feel that that would make it far more difficult for them to gain rights and access to medical processes.

I could go on, but indeed this (in my view) covers much of the basics. In Kenya, the Trans Movement is very young. There are few trans people out there fighting for rights but it is growing. One of the founders of the only trans organization has made tremendous leaps in fighting for hers and her fellows rights through engaging with the media (Being interviewed my media houses about being transgendered and in Kenya), being actively involved with mainstream human rights organizations such as the KHRC, writing and publishing articles in mainstream news networks such as Pambazuka News, engaging with the medical fraternity like the societies dealing with psychology in Kenya, the Kenyan medical board, the big heads in the largest Kenyan hospital, enganement with legal professionals who could assist in providing frameworks for legal aid to trans and intersex persons regarding name change in legal identification documents and much much more.
She is a person that makes me want to do more for the Kenyan community in terms of advocacy and sensitization.

I really hope that this long long post has and will continue to be of great help to all that come across it and I also hope that people learn from it.

“Vivre et Laisser Vivre”

YOUNG , LEARNING AND KEEPING STRONG

As the days go by, into my last three months of my job, I am now changing tact. Indeed the words of my superiors made me think a lot about where I am headed and what I should do with my life and with my many talents. It came out clearly that I am immensely resourceful and have lots of potential to do great things and go many places. This made me think about myself and what I am to do with me. I know all the things they said about me, but to be honest, this transition has made my confidence levels drop! I have to be honest with myself. Something else I was told was not to blame my laxity on my transition. This is also true. Somehow I have blamed even my lack of sociality on the fact that I am a transgender and in Kenya. Truth be told, life as a trans girl in Kenya ain't easy. I know Ive said this before. It sure ain't. But once you get over yourself and start living, it can get easier. (My boss' tha best!). She told me that I knew that life would become more complicated once I began my transition and its a decision I made knowing full well the consequences. In all honesty, I have asked myself these questions time and again: am I on the right path? Is it all worth it? Will I trip, fall and turn back? Which life is better? This one or the old one? Am I happier? Will I make it? These questions all get answered somehow in the next few minutes after asking myself. I ensure I end up with positive energy and that I feel fine. I am beautiful and I thank God for that. Definitely, walking around the streets of Nairobi make m nervous, I am less nervous now than before. I feel more confident because of my new hairstyle. It gives me the femme look that I always yearned for. I had small dreadlocks before but even those still made me a bit uncomfy. Either way, just being a tranny in Nairobi is hard work and very brave!

So the day I was alighting from a bus and just as I stood up to alight, I noticed something. My 'friend downstairs' was peeping out! Somehow it had slid out of where I had carefully tucked it away. To make matters worse, I was wearing a tight short skirt! OMG! I was so scared! It was a good thing that I was headed for work so I walked as fast as I could in my high heels trying as hard as I can to make sure its not visible! That experience was terrible. Its happened before but only when I'm wearing trousers or jeans (I wear these most of the times) and so its usually not much of a scare. But that day's incident really freaked me out!

I began wearing skirts immediately I got my new hairdo. It somehow gave me the confidence to strut out into Nairobi looking glamorous in a skirt; something I had never done and had been looking forward to for such a long time. This was my third time out in a skirt and it always gave me the jitters. Mostly it did because I'm usually uncomfortable with my slightly broad shoulders and smaller hips and wider waistline. I have to admit, I was blessed with a naturally curvy body so I've always wanted to flaunt that. But seeing how broad my shoulders were made me a little scared. So I always make sure I'm wearing a jacket or jumper on top. I am yet to get the courage to walk in Nairobi with a tight top and bottom on, showing all my curves without being scared.

Something else that I still am very conscious about is my neck. I have an AA. Of course I don't like it but its there. So when I'm out in public I'm usually wearing a scarf, no matter how hot it may be because I'm scared of people noticing my AA. Again, because of facial hair and years of constant and frequent shaving, my skin below the chin is very rough and shadowy. Its easy to tell that I have been shaving and I have those razor bumps and the dark shades below my neck. On the face I hide those with foundation but having an oily face only makes my face look plump and shiny; something I definitely don't want to see. I keep telling myself that I ain't the only girl in Nairobi let alone the whole of Kenya who has skin issues and I should just be okay with myself and try to be thankful for what I already have. I also keep reminding myself that there are plenty of girls out there that don't have a curvy body and still have wide-looking shoulders and that I should be thankful that I have one!

Either way, I am doing my best and I am thankful to God for giving me the strength to carry on. I know life will be difficult but I am able to make it through and make it big.

No matter the circumstances I will survive. I will make the best out of my life!

Gender Sensitivity-by Lo(Enigmaress)

I liked this post I saw somewhere and I thought I'd share.

Gender Sensitivity

Written by Lo Nyambok

Monday, 04 August 2008

MIRIAM RIVERA- MODEL Well, about a month ago someone had written a NOTE on facebook to explain how complicated it is to try pleasing everyone when it comes to GENDER ISSUES (especially in the US/UK etc). The thing is, everyone wants to be identified based on whatever gender they are- it might not necessarily be the gender they were when they were born. Trust me, it gets so complicated to attempt to get everyone happy and stay POLITICALLY CORRECT etc etc The main talk was about what should be incorporated in documents, as in: PLEASE CIRCLE ONE GENDER THAT PERTAINS TO YOU: 1. Male 2. Female. 3. Both. 4. Mixed. 5. None etc Anyway, as a person who is in the healthcare industry, I know how tricky it gets with people who may have had a sex change or prefer to be referred to as one gender (Say a WOMAN) when physically they are percieved as the opposite gender (Say a MAN) HERE IS MY RESPONSE TO THAT NOTE: Wednesday, June 25, 2008 at 2:48pm I took this multi-cultural class last semester and I thought I knew everything about everything. Until a student explained something on TRANS-SEXUAL (NOT TRANSGENDER, there is a big difference.) TRANS- GENDER being that its what the person perceives in their mind as to whether they are MALE or FEMALE regardless of what their physical body is perceived by the rest of us (feeling like a female- when physical body is male vice versa). They then like to be referred to as THE THIRD GENDER, BI- GENDER. (I am not an expert in that field but thats how I understood the explanation- I am hoping I have that accurate.) A TRANS- SEXUAL is then a person who is TRANS- GENDER and undergoes a series of surgical changes (I think-lol!!) Known as SEX RE- ASSIGNMENT THERAPY. They are usually asked to live life as the gender they FEEL/THINK they are (Male as a woman or woman as a man for 1 year) first, then if they can handle it, thats when the surgery is done. Lord have mercy on their troubled souls, I cant even begin to imagine what they go through. (As a WOMAN- I feel like a damn raging retarded alien sometimes KEYWORD: SOMETIMES), all the changing hormonal balances- makes me UN-HUMAN sometimes- but am sure its nothing close to what a TRANS- GENDER person goes through on a daily.) I respect everyone though, there is always a collective ignorant thinking where most people instantly perceives themselves to be the RIGHTEOUS people- who understand 'what GOD wants.' So people treat other human- beings like Trans- sexuals or Trans- gender as though they are Sub- human. People use the BIBLE and GOD to condemn other people talking about about its UNNATURAL to be a Trans- person. My opinion to such blatant IGNORANCE is that- if you think youre perfect, that youre the full definition of what humans should be, that you should be accepted the way you are because youre nothing but PERFECT... then what are you doing on EARTH with us mere Mortals? You should be in HEAVEN with GOD based on that PERFECT mindset. I always believe that if a person doesn't like what they see or hear, then they are not obligated to deal with or put up with a circumstance that does not suit them. People are so quick to judge each other based on trivial excuses justifying violence and insults using the LORD'S NAME and THE BIBLE. ASK MIRIAM RIVERA who was in that reality show; THERE IS SOMETHING ABOUT MIRIAM (MIRIAM is 100% MAN & THE ONLY SURGERY SHE HAS GONE THROUGH HAPPEN TO BE THE BREAST IMPLANTS, EVERYTHING ELSE IS INTACT- ESPECIALLY THE ONE BY HER FINGER TIPS.) I didnt watch the show, but saw something about it one time on VH1- The Men were in complete shock @ the end of the show... I always stick to one main principle in my life- GOD IS LOVE- period!!!! Meaning the same GOD who took his time to create YOU (As special as you are) is actually the same GOD who also took his time to create Trans- persons, and we are all different as different can be but we are also unified by one CREATOR. Its like someone telling me that its UNNATURAL to be AFRICAN or its UNNATURAL to be A WOMAN (Wouldnt that be the most ridiculous absolute stupidity that anyone could possible ever say??? lol!) I try and imagine my reaction to that and its quite hilarious. I know that I used a super simple analogy, but its really that simple. They are who they are and choose to live their lives based on whatever suits and makes them happy, so why should I care or lose sleep over people who have nothing to do with me. Actually that was not even my POINT- my point as you can read from my 1st sentence is that I thought I knew but I didnt. This student explained to us that TRANS- GENDER/TRANS- SEXUAL people are considered STRAIGHT. (Now at this point my entire jaw hit the floor- I was too confused.) Meaning if a person perceived themselves as a FEMALE and believe it in their mind their minds that are truly FEMALE even though they have a "WRONG" body of a man- then they actually get attracted to a MALE. So if I a person feels like a woman inside then they will be attracted to MEN right?? (Even though all you will see is a MAN'S body-) So in that case it makes a person STRAIGHT, the TRANS- GENDERED person who has a male body will be attracted to your male body- because they - FEEL FEMALE. If you call then GAY then they get extremely offended!!! THIS CLASS really opened my eyes to something that I never even thought could turn out to be so complicated in a way. So as a health care provider we have to take all of the whole GENDER SENSITIVITY into consideration. Meaning, if a person walks into the hospital and my eye sight percieves a MAN but this person tells that "HE" is a "SHE" WOMAN, then how can I decide what room to admit them in? We always have females and males paired in rooms by the same sex- to provide privacy and psychological comfort. As a woman, you don't wanna be bending @ the hospital to wash you face in the morning, and imagine a dude scanning and zooming in upon your very bare behind through the open ended hospital gowns- RIGHT?? So who will you pair a patient who physically is a MALE but believes themselves to be FEMALE?? You CANNOT force them to sleep in the same room as a dude, because they will be traumatized!!! They need a FEMALE companion & FEMALE-ISH room to place their powder, perfume, make- up brush, make- up set, Toner, Cleanser, Bras, panties, thongs, nail polish, Chocolate, face massage, lipstick, wig, eye-brow tweezer etc. I still cannot figure out how Id handle that particular situation. How confusing is that? CONCLUSION; People should understand that GENDER DIFFERENCE is NOT the same as SEXUAL ORIENTATION- My other super principle in life RESPECT! RESPECT! RESPECT! I might not necessarily agree with a person's point of view, opinion, thought process- but I never DISRESPECT people for what they stand for and believe in- thats what makes LIFE- LIFE! THERE IS SOMETHING ABOUT MIRIAM PT #2 On February 27 MIRIAM WAS HOSPITALIZED with multiple broken bones and internal bleeding after she was attacked and thrown from the 4th floor window of her New York apartment. STORY ON MIRIAM'S ATTACK SERIOUSLY????- How sad are we as HUMANS?- Attacking another person & gaining nothing from it? If someone does not like something about other people-people they do not know, people who are not causing anyone any harm or affecting other people's life (Your life)-Please, just let them be- SAD, SAD STUFF. By Lo (Enigmaress)