Oh Well

its been a while. and i am posting this directly into the posting area so the writing is not ‘done properly’ but atleast the words are here.

and the reason why i insist on doing this is not to limit myself to copy pasting stuff. yea...thats basically it.

so basically i am bored. bored because i cant seem to get myself to write something comprehensible. a friend of mine says she has the same problem so it seems am not alone…

being trans is hard. make up in the morning to conceal that famous 5 oclock shadow…boob enhancers….tight undies…all that crap in dressing…and every time being carefull to look around wondering if someone knows youre trans…puh!

i sometimes wonder how easy it would have been had i been born okay.

huh!

How Could I Forget?

OMG!!

I am crazy! How could I forget that ON THIS DAY, May 8th 2008, I started this lovely blog?

Well, it passed. And guess what, I am happy. Am a happy girl!

Its been a great journey all these months, years. Things have changed, things have happened. I have been blessed.

I started transitioning. That was nice.

Had a few mishaps. Wasn't too exciting.

And some sad/angry moments. Time heals all wounds.

Had my surgery. Great too.

Celebrated one month on hormones. Marvelous.

I couldn't ask for more.

Thank you all for the support y'all gave me :)

Much appreciated :)


XOXO!

All Dolled Up!

Last weekend there was a party. A queer party. I haven't partyd in a while and this was my chance. My friend Kat ensured I looked fab for the day. I had on a micro-mini jeans skirt, a strapped top and high heels. I felt lovely. This wasn't the first time I had worn a mini. But just the feeling I get makes me shiver in glee!

I have nice legs. Thats what people tell me. And I agree. Remember I mentioned here a while ago that I couldn't wear short shorts in high school? Yea, the boys thought I had very sexy legs too. Do you know how it feels like when people tell you how “hot and sexy” you look? Some of you have an idea. Its an amazing feeling. I am left blushing from here to Timbuktu! Such an amazing feeling! Especially when you yourself take time to believe it!

Then there is the attention. I never anticipated that! Never! Everytime I was out, before transitioning that is, I would sit back and watch as my “fellow girls” get all the attention and be wooed by every guy possible. Including the one's I thought were hot. Now its happening to me. Its weird and exciting at the same time. My activist friend tells me “stop being such a woman! You're a transsexual”. I don't know how to respond to her. All I know is that I am hiding no more. All those things I used to only dream about are now coming to reality. Its amazing. Amazing is the word I have been using.

Amazing! All I can say is, I AM GRATEFUL!!!

p.s. Now, because it was out in the open, and at night, I am now nursing a very bad cold :(

XOXO!

20th May: One Month Later...

Its been a month! Yes! A month since I had my surgery and started on hormones (properly). I am elated. On May 20th, I celebrated a month of being testosterone-free and of using estrogen. What are the results? They are listed below.

1. Breasts – Don't ask me why this is the first thing I mentioned but honestly, this was indeed one of the major changes I was waiting for! My boobs are popping out! Much like how the tits of young girls who have just entered puberty start growing. The nipples are extra-sensitive (forgive me if some things are graphic/disturbing) and a large stone-thing has developed making the area swell out. The whole place is sensitive making me feel itchy and uncomfortable all the time! Otherwise, I am elated! Very very much! I like them kabisa and can't wait for them to continue growing!
2. Face & Skin – Interestingly, my face and skin have become waay smoother than ever. My face in particular is much much better than ever before. The “five-o'clock shadow” is less visible, nearly not there. Though I still grow facal hair, it now grows less faster than before. Actually half less (takes two days longer to be visible).
3. Body shape – I may be exaggerating on this but I think my body shape is shifting. I tend to see more hips (Ive always had hips) and smaller waist. But this is rather speculative at the moment and I still have to be patient. The only thing noticeable is the fact that I am eating slightly more now than before!
4. Calmness, Tranquility – Yes, this is true. Apparently, testosterone makes men very rough, easily agitated and all. So now indeed, I am calmer, more at peace and easier to deal with. I heard rumours that I will be moody and emotional but I am yet to feel that so lets wait and see. Either way, I am enjoying all the tranquility!
5. Hot Flashes – I remember a colleague of mine telling me about her having a hot flash and I wondered how it would feel. Now I felt it! I did. Several times! They aren't the nicest thing to have but...having them somehow reassures my womanness now...something that I am happy about!
6. Loss/Decreased Libido – Well, I am young so I can work up some sort of “in-the-mood” for myself but I have to say I have felt the decrease.

I can't remember other stuff for now, but generally, its going well. Something else exciting is how its now so much easier to tuck that thing down there! Hidden away nicely! I even got a chance to wear a micro mini the other night! Cool!


XOXO!

p.s.

I am lost. I have no idea what to write about. Fine this blog is about my life but, due to security concerns, I am not sure exactly what to say and what not to say. So my question is, do you have anything you'd like me to talk about?

Ask me anything!

Happy IDAHO!

Wishing everyone a Happy International Day Against Homophobia and Transphobia! Somehow, transphobia is usually left out. I wonder why...


Kenya's marking of the event is being covered by KHRC and GALCK.


In other news, I just thought I should give y'all an update.

Things are okay. Though in recent past I have been under the weather. Nairobi has been raining a lot lately and with that comes a serious bout of cold! I have a bad cold that is persistent and refuses to go away :( However, I am trying all means necessary to fight it away!

The hormones are working! I have developed small lumps around my nipples and they are slightly painful when squished! Hehe! Ain't I excited about that. The area where the surgical cut was done has completely healed and the color is back to normal. One thing I am very very happy about is the fact that concealment is much much easier now that I don't have to be scared of squishing or smashing anything! LOL!

There has been much more media coverage on transgender/transsexual matters in Kenya lately. There was a story in The Star, today there is one in The Standard and just two days ago Citizen TV covered a story about Cuba reinstating the government sponsored gender reassignment surgery.

Good stuff, no?

Isn't It Amazing?

Today when I woke up in the morning I was feeling rather perky about the day. Its Monday and lots have happened. But thats not why I decided to post this.

I am amazed. I really am. The way things are going now in my life, I simply cannot not be amazed. Life is good. Really. There is no reason for me to complain. Sure, I am a trans and there are troubles that comes with it but, on a more general term, life is quite nice.

I went out on Friday night just after work. Its something I don't do. I went out to meet a friend. Pater Nostra. He was a a bar and had just also come from work. He's such a gentleman. Bought me a drink. I had a good time. I never thought I could do that. I was always the kind to quickly say “pass” when invited to go out just because I didn't like how confused I'd get around people and how sad I felt. Now, thats a different case. I am more confident of myself, more myself than ever before, I feel rejuvenated, like a butterfly out of a cocoon, spreading its wings for the first time... I'm sure some of y'all get me, no?

There is this feeling I craved before. A feeling of belonging. Its that connection you feel within and without. I had always wanted people to see what I saw. I had always felt like I wasn't there. Like I was invisible. Like I was not worth anything. Funny, women want to be noticed. They want to have some approval. I craved for that attention. That noticing. That approval. When it did come, it was not wrapped in the color I wanted. It did not feel the way I wanted it to feel. It wasn't it. It was something else. Something I didn't like. Something I felt seemed wrong. Like a stab in the back. I didn't like that feeling. I never did. Because it was nice words, but nice words that pained me. I took every chance I had to avoid such.

But now things are different. Now I go out and I get the attention. I don't look for it, but I get it. I don't over do anything. I am simple. Yet, I still get it. Some of it. The one I craved for. It nowadays comes. Makes me so happy, no?

Today, some guy in crutches actually stopped to say hi to me. He said, “Sasa Mresh.” i.e. “Hi Beautiful.” ('mresh' is sheng for 'beautiful'). The point here isn't that he's in crutches, (I don't discriminate) but that he noticed. He actually told the guy he was with that he'd say hi. I heard that because he was near the atm I went to withdraw cash from. I went on with my stuff feeling quite nice. Granted this is not the first time I've been told this considering this earlier post, but it still makes me smile. Gives me a nice feeling inside.

On Saturday I went out with my pals and we had fun. I usually don't go out, but its like I've started doing it more often. I like it. And the fact that guys would come up to me and tell me how hot I am makes me cringe sometimes. Not because I don't like them, but just because its amazing how its so much different now compared to before.

I am alive. I am happy. Thats what matters. Someday, somehow, things will get better. People will understand. People will know why. The reason why I don't write much about the going out and stuff, is because I don't want some people to get the wrong idea. Transsexuals don't transition to go out. They don't do it to 'be accepted'. They do it because. Period. Get it? They do it because its who they are. They wish to be themselves. Being accepted is part of it. But the root of it is to be themselves. The person theyve always known they were. Thats how I feel. And I hope, everyday, that our community understands us. Somehow.

Do have a great week y'all!

p.s. I don't know if I said this, but was recently featured in a newspaper article. The article also featured the first ever trans and intersex convening in Kenya.

And She's Back

Am back to work. I am very happy about it. Two weeks is no joke! I am so glad that everything worked out for good. I feel calmer and easier and happier...I mean, I have no words! Basically, its a calm happy serene mood I have been having of late. I simply wanted to make an update post before I seriously delved deep into workaholic-ism again!

So, my wound has healed, though there is still a little bit of swelling. The area is kinda itchy and thats annoying. The biggest physical relief definitely would be the lack of a bulge! Boy am I glad about that!! And now I have to make sure I eat well, drink lots of water and ensure I don't miss my estrogen pills. FYI, I am taking Estradiol Valerate 4mgs pd.

I am so glad that I did this and basically anyone who asks me why I did it I say its for two somewhat conjoined reasons. One, because of all the money I will be saving, and considering I don't see my SRS happening anytime soon, and Two, because of the immense relief I am and will forever (hopefully) continue enjoying due to lack of testosterone in my body. Here is a link about it through someone who went through it herself and one account which I think best describes the effects of Orchiectomy and here is another account by another lady.

Thank you all for the support you have showed me. Really, much of the strength I have I draw from y'all!

XOXO!

YIPPIE! I MADE IT!

I finally did it! I finally crossed the hurdle! I made it through! Yippie! I cant hide my happiness. My joys. Oh the feeling! Its so great!

I finally had my operation done. The Orchidectomy. My two balls are gone! I could never be happier. Yea? That sounds surreal right? Someone talking about losing their balls (no pun intended) and they say they're happy. Well if youve been reading this blog then you do know that I have been saying I will or intend to do it for quite a while now. It was like an obsession. I took time because it had to sink in. I had to know the ins and outs about what the hell I was doing. I had to be sure about exactly what I was getting myself into.

How did it go? Well, I got to the hospital and changed. I filled out the necessary forms and all and then headed to the operating room. OMG! That room was huge! And I wasn't alone. It felt weird being naked even though I had the overalls on. It felt weird being without my breast enhancers and infront of strangers. I didn't know how they'd react. Good thing was that they were really nice about everything and even the assistant made a joke about it saying “now I see why you didn't want to remove your bra...” and he was smiling when saying this.

I was immediately dosed with general anasthesia and fell asleep right there and then. Everything went well and after about an hour and a half I woke up still feeling groggy and having some pains around my groin area. Its still there even now (5 days later) but its far less painful. The doctor made a small vertical inscision down my scrotal tissue and pulled out the balls and cut them off. The cause of the groin pain is because of the pulled ends of the 'lines' that held the balls. They receded into my body and formed a 'ball-like' thing around there and thats what is causing the pain.

So thats how it went. Why did I do it? I did it primarily because I wanted to save myself some cash! See, with my testes still in place, my body is laden with lots of testosterone and we all know that the primary source of that is the testes. So get rid of the testes and you get rid of the testosterone! Had I not done the op, I would be still taking anti-androgens and a lot higher doses of estrogen pills. Now that I have done it, and oh by the way, remember I kept complaining how I still haven't found those estrogen pills? I finally found them! So now that I have the Progynova (estradiol valerate) and I have done the op, I only need a small dose of the estrogen! About half or even less than what I would have required to take before! In essence, looking at an average span of two years, the no-Orchie method whould have cost me about Ksh.200,000 ($2,600) while now, just paying for the orchie (which cost me about Ksh.90,000 or $1,200) and the significantly reduced estrogen pills, the whole thing in two years will be roughly Ksh.103,000 or $1,375 !!! Imagine that! I shall be saving about Ksh.100,000 in the process! Of course thats not the sole reason, but it is one of the primary ones.

There are a whole spectrum of pros and cons about this op I did bur I will not go ahead and tell you in detail, I shall only list a few.

Bilateral Orchiectomy (also know as “an Orchi”)
- this is an out-patient surgical procedure for the removal of the testicals.

Benefits for Trans Women:

• Removes the main production center of Testosterone in the body
• Anti-Androgens can be significantly reduced or stopped entirely after the procedure. This reduces stress on the liver, and eliminates the side effects of long term Anti-Androgen use.
• Because of the lack of testosterone, a break in hormones will not cause back tracking, or de-transitioning.
• Can halt and/or reverse recent hair loss.
• Possible lessening of dysphoria, and increased body image.
• Increased ease in tucking and hiding genitalia under tight clothing.
• Possible reduction of testosterone dependant body hair
• Possible increase of feminizing effects from HRT
• Cost of surgery is between $1,300 –$ 2,000 USD in most states. (updated 2008) this is a significantly easier amount to save than the $10,000 – $30,000 for SRS.

Negatives for Trans Women

• Permanent Sterility
• Possible loss of libido
• Possible hot flashes or other hormonal side effects.
• If SRS is not completed shortly after, the scrotal tissue may shrink and atrophy, resulting in a possible need for a skin graft during SRS.
• Scar tissue may complicate SRS if the incision is done improperly.
• After having an Orchi one will require hormone treatments to maintain levels.
• Surgery always has its risks, including blood clots, infections, or other unforeseen complications.
• The $1,300 could have been used instead to save for SRS.

Its now about 6 days after the surgery and I am still kinda sore. Am healing well (hopefully) and I must say, I do feel so much happier! So much better and I just cannot wait foe the new results to show! I simply cannot wait. I am still shaving my face after every two days and thats one of the things I sincerely hope reduces or better still, vanishes completely!

Wish me the best my friends! Thanks for being there for me and for all the support. I couldn't be this good without you!


XOXO!

I'm an alien...Am a little alien!

I dont exist. I am an alien. An outcast. A nobody. I have nothing to my name. Well, legally that is. See, here in Kenya, we transsexuals have absolutely no laws for or against us specifically, here I say specifically because we are humans yes, but its practically stops there.
All my identification documents, my school documents and basically anything that bears my legal name, I cannot just simply claim. For me to claim them, I have to launch an extended explanation about oh this and that and begin long and unwinding conversations about how demonic I am and oh that cwap! Cant handle it.

Luckily, there is a way to change something in my ID card: my name! I want to begin that process ASAP and see what gives. Hoping for the best! :)

p.s. I went to my doctor and boy oh girl that price meeen! I wonder how I shall handle it. Well, lets see how it will go. I really have to go through with that orchi. I know that it will save me tons of money in the long run seeing that I want to reduce my medicine intake as much as possible and hey!, the orchi way is more than half cheaper in the long run!

Whoohoo! Cant wait. Will tell you about the surgery and all. Keep checking!

Wuv U all <3!!

Habari Madam!

Nowadays I hear that phrase quite often. I am getting used to it and more so the pronouns. I had mentioned about this before but, just so stress my point, here is a whole blog post dedicated to it.

I go to the supermarket and there the attendees are nice to me “Madam nikusaidie aje?” How can I help you madam? Its so nice! Some of you may think I am getting in over my head or making a big deal over nothing but, I mean, for me, knowing all too well my past and of knowing that I never used to be referred to as such, it gives me such exhilarated feeling whenever someone refers me as such. Simply, feels good! Makes you know inside that its happening. I am actually living the life I have been dreaming about.

When the people close to me, mostly my family and friends who stuck around me, refer to me as 'she' or 'her' it feels really nice. This means that they are internalizing the idea and that its getting easier for them to refer to me as such. I simply love it! You cant help but appreciate it.

I guess this is what most people call 'passing' since I seem to do that very well. Imagine, on about three or four occasions, a former colleague of mine has passed right infront of me, even glancing towards me or rather looking at me and has (seemingly) not recognised me at all! I find that astounding considering that I myself still see me as the same, albeit the hair and make-up! All in all, that must mean something. It must mean that I am making lots of progress. I am happy.

p.s. I cant wait to see an article on a daily paper that is coming out soon. I am told it will be a feature story about Intersexuality and Transsexualism in Kenya and based on a recent workshop that was held here in Nairobi. I am also told that it has stories of intersex and transsexual persons in kenya. It will be a first of its kind. I simply cant wait to see it!

The title reads “Hello Madam”